UC-NI 


ML 
2870 
W57 
1905 
MAIN 


COPYRIGHTED  1899 

BY   M.    \YlTMARK   &   vSONS. 

All  Rights  Reserved 
ENTERED  AT  STATIONERS 
London,  Eng. 


svised  and  Copyrighted  MCMV  by  M.  Witmark  &  Sons* 


COPYRIGHTED  1899 

BY   M.    WlTMARK   &   vSONS. 

All  Rights  Reserved 
ENTERED  AT  STATIONERS 
London,  Eng. 


Revised  and  Copyrighted  MCMV  by  M.  Witmarfc  &  Sons* 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. — Directory. 


THE  TOM  ARK  MALE  QD  ARTETTE  FOLIOS 


CONTENTS  No.  1 

My  Gal's  a  High  Born  Lady. 

Hush  Yo'  Business,  Oh  Go  On. 

All  Coons  Look  Alike  to  Me. 

Mr.   Johnson,   Turn    Me   Loose. 

Honey,  Does  Yer  Love  Yer  Man? 

Leader  of  Company  B. 

Hojiey,  Yause  Ma  Lady  Love. 

Lucky  Jim.  I  ing. 

Come  Back    My  Honey,   I'se   Been  Wait- 

You're  So  Good,  Daddy. 

Only  Me. 

I  Love  You  in  the   Same  Old  Way. 

Sweet  Claribelle. 

Sadie,  My  Lady. 

WITMARK  GIRL  MEDLEY.  —  Intro. 
Genevieve — My  Girl  Is  a  Winner — 
Girl  from  Paris  —  And  They  Ali 
Joined  In — Isabella. 

CONTENTS  No.  2 

Just  One  Girl. 

My  Wild  Irish  Rose. 

Because. 

Just  as  the   Sun  Went  Down. 

Place  a  Light  to  Guide  Me  Home. 

Olcott's  Lullaby. 

Mammy's    Little    Pumpkin    Colored    Coon. 

Xizzy  Ze  Zum  Zum. 

Leader  of  Company  B. 

Honey  Dat  I  Love  So  Well. 

We'll  Drown  It  in  the  Bowl. 

Sleep.    My   Little   Pickaninny,   Sleep. 

Honev.  You'se  Ma  Lady  Love. 

WITMARK  COOX  MEDLEY.  —  Intro. 
Bve-Bye,  Belinda  —  We  All  Have 
Troubles  of  Our  Own  —  I  Didn't 
Marry  All  Yer  Kin  —  When  You 
Ain't  Got  No  Money,  Well,  You 
Needn't  Come  'Round — Honey  Dat 
I  Love  So  Well— Lazy  Bill— Lindy— 
Bom-Ba-Shay. 

CONTENTS  No.  3 

Always. 

When  You  Were  Sweet  Sixteen. 
Love  Me  Babe,  My  Honey,  Do. 
You'se  Honey  to  Yer  Mammy  Just  the 

Sane. 

The  Girl  I  Left  in  Dixie  Waits  for  Me. 
Forevermorc. 

My   Little   'Lasses  Candy  Coon. 
Ma  Tiger  Lily. 
Dreams. 
Ruth. 

If  I  Thought  You  Loved  Another. 
Always  Keep  Your  Promise,  Lad. 
You  Ain't  Changed  a  Bit  from  What  You 

Used   to    Be. 
Say  You  Love  Me,   Sue. 


Arranged   by   Chas.   F.    Shattuck 
PRICE,  50  CENTS  EACH 

CONTENTS  No.  4 

My  Elinore. 

Just  Cuddle  in  My  Arms. 

Side  By  Side. 

Queen  of  Bohemia. 

Absence  Makes  the  Heart  Grow  Fonder. 

A  Private  in  the  Ranks. 

O  Wah  Hoo. 

Kiss  Me,  Honey,  Do — Dinah. 

Too  Old  to  Lead  the   Choir. 


My  Home  Girl 
Ma 


Blushin'  Rosie— My  Posie  Sweet. 

Sing  Me  a  Song  of  the  South. 

Deep,  Down,   Deep. 

Come,   My   Sweet   Queen. 

WITMARK  STAR  MEDLEY.  —  Intro. 
A  Private  in  the  Ranks — Ma  Rain- 
bow Coon  —  Sweet  Sixteen  —  Florida 
Flo — and  The  Love  Lorn  Lily. 

CONTENTS  No.  5 

You    Needn't   Say  the  Kisses   Came    from 

Me. 

The  Great   Beyond — Semi-Sacred. 
We're  All   Good  Fellows. 
Dear  Old  Pipe. 

Stay  in   Your   Own   Back   Yard. 
While  Old  Glory  Waves. 
Nobody  Ever  Brings  Presents  to  Me. 
Just  My  Little  Yaller  Boy  and  Me. 
Sadie,  Say  You  Won't   Say  Nay. 
'Tis  Better  to  Have  Loved,  and  Lost,  Than 

Never  to  Have   Loved  at  All. 
The   Passion   Flower. 
Dear  Old  College  Days. 
Sweet  Maggie  May. 
COON  MEDLEY  No.  2— Intro.— Tildy— 

Come   Back,  My  Honey  Boy  to  Me — 

You   Am   de   One — Lou   Lou   and   Ma 

Blushin'  Rosie. 

CONTZNTS  No.  6 

'Tis  the  .Sweetest  Song  of  All. 

Soldiers. 

Little  Sallie  Brown. 

The  German  Maennerchor. 

Tom,  the  Ne'er-Do-Well. 

Your  Own. 

Good-Night,   Beloved,   Good-Night. 

Ma  Starlight  Sue. 

Come  Out  in  the  Garden  with  Me. 

A    Splinter    from    My    Father's    Wooden 

Leg. 
Pearly. 
I    Never   Knew    'Till    Now    How    Much   1 

Loved  You. 

Faint  Heart  Never  Won  Fair  Lady. 
Just  a  Line  from  Jennie. 
It's  for  Her,  Her,  Her. 
Pretty  Mollie  Shannon. 


The  Crest  Trading   Company 


WITMARK  MiNSTREl,  GUIDE.—  Directory 


KEEP   YOUR    LIBRARY   STRAIGHT    AND    CLEAN 

BY  BINDING  YOUR  MUSIC  WITH 

"THE  "CREST" 

MANDOLIN,    GUITAR,    ORCHESTRA  AND    BAND  COVERS. 


Quickstep  size,  (5x7) .    .  per  doz.  $1.00 

Single  Covers,  15  cents. 

Octavo  size,  (7KxU) 2.00 

Single  Coveis,  25  cents. 

Theatre  and  Concert  size  (9^x12^) 2.50 

Single  Covers.  30  cents. 

Sheet  size,  (U#xJ4#),  Piano  or  Mandolin  size  .    .    .  3.00 

^  Single  Covers,  35  cents. 

-*•  STRONG,  DARK  CLOTH  BINDING.      SEND  FOR  ONE;  AMD,  IF  YOU  LIKE  IT.  SEND  FOR  MORE. 
ABOVE  PRICES   DO   NOT  INCLUDE  POST,  OR  EXPRESS  CHARGES.^ 

THE  CREST  TRADING  COMPANY,  144-146  West  37th  Street,  NewaYork 


/A 


} 


Contents* 


SECTION  I. 

PAOB 

'•Gentlemen,  Be  Seated" ' 1 

Frank  Dumont 3 

Eleventh  Street  Opera   House 5 

SKCTIOX  II. 

Important  Instructions  for   the  Middle  Man  and  Stage  Manager 8 

Selecting  the  Talent  and  Arranging  the  Rehearsals 11 

How  to  Black  Up 14 

How  to  Relate  Jokes,  or  Tell  a    "Gag" 17 

SECTION  III. 

A  Valuable  Dictionary  of  Stage  Terms  Used  by  Professionals 19 

How  to  Produce  Stage   Effects 23 

Colored  Fires 23 

Rain  Effect 23 

Wind  Effect 23 

Thunder  Effect 24 

lightning   Effect 24 

Glass  Cra«h 25 

Wood  Crash 25 

Railroad  Effect 25 

Horse  Effect 25 

A  L,ist  of  Stage  Don'ts 26 

SECTION  IV. 

Novel  Innovations   in   Fir  t  Parts 27 

"Our  Navy:> 28 

Sample  Program 29 

"The  I<awn  Party" 30 

Sample  Program 31 

"Our  Boys  in  Camp" 32 

Sample  Progam 33 

"Our  Girl  Graduates"  ... 34 

Sample  Program 35 

"Uncle  Tom's  Cabin" 36 

Sample  Program 37 

"Congress  of  all  Nations" 38 

Sample   Program 39 

"Shakesperian  Carnival" 40 

Sample  Program 41 

SECTION  V. 

For  the  ladies 42 


M55486O 


vi  CONTENTS. 


SECTION  VI. 
END  GAGS,  CROSS-FIRES,  STORIES,  ETC. 

PAGE 

The  Two  Black  Boot-Blacks 44 

Peculiar  Wants 44 

About  Our  Firemen 45 

All  About  Dogs 45 

Bicycle  Riders'  Alphabet 46 

About  Umbrellas 47 

Girlsl  Girls!  Girls! 47 

Reciting  at  the  Party 48 

The  Gambler's  Life 48 

The  War  Cries  of  Our  Soldiers .'_^' "..".  .  48 

Planting  Flowers ".„..'...  49 

Piano  Playing ./..'.'.....  50 

All  About  Cards , 51 

The  Rival  Safe  Agents 51 

A  Ship  is  Like  a  Woman 52 

How  to  Pronounce  Tomatoes 52 

Where  They  Ought  to  Go 53 

Eating  and  Drinking 54 

All  About  Cats .   .  54 

Letters  in  the  Post-Office 55 

Literary  Curiosities 55 

How  I  Love  Her .    .  5(i 

Synonymous 57 

Musical  Instruments 57 

Remarkable  Bravery 58 

Stupidity  and  Soldiers • 59 

Counterfeit  Money 63 

A  Cyclone  Story 60 

All  About  Law .•'•'•• .  61 

Gladiator 62 

Automobile .:-....  62 

A  Thrilling  Story 03 

Newspaper  Reporter 61 

He  Spoke  to  Me  at  the  Grave 04 

The  Sailor's  Letter 64 

He  Died  Lying 6T» 

The  Restaurant  and  the  Custard  Pie 65 

Animals  Going  to  the  Circus ....  65 

Fixing  the  Pants .  65 

Yachting  Terms 

The  Rival  Poets 

Crying  Gag t . 

Modern  Definitions  of  Commercial  Terms 70 

The  Boy  Stood  on  the  Burning  Deck 71 

A  Vegetable  Story 72 

Hold  Your  Head  Up -  ...  72 

The  Segar  Trick 7-2 

Coincidences  of  Married  Life 7:? 

Courting  and  the  New  Method  of  Weighing 74 

Musical  Instruments 74 

Things  are  Very  Mixed 75 

What  Love  Will  Do '  .".              76 

Two  Noble  Heroes  , 7fi 

The  New  Hotel 

A  Difficult  Problem 78 

Bon  Voyage 78 


CONTENTS.  vii 


SECTION  VII. 

MONOLOGUES,  CONUNDRUMS,  STUMP  SPEECHES,  SQUIBS,  POEMS, 

ETC. 

PAGE 

Are  Women  More  Beautiful  than  Men  ? 80 

Goats 80 

Flirtation  and  its  Consequences 82 

What  is  a  Kiss  ? 82 

Woman's  Tongue 80 

The  Mouse 84 

Mark  Anthony's  Oration  .    .    . 85 

How  Adam  and  Eve  Turned  White 86 

Conundrums 87 

Squibs 93 

A  Little  Girl's  Composition  011  Eggs 93 

Poems 94 

Maud  Miller  at  the  Matinee 95 

Hamlet  on  the  Hash  House 95 

"Mary's  I<amb"  in  Boston 96 

SECTION    VIII. 

FIRST  PARTS,  FINALES,  CAKE-WALKS,  MUSICAL  ACTS,  ETC. 

A  Reporter's  Description  of  a  Society  Cake-Walk 97 

"The  Darktown  Society  Cake- Walk  " 99 

"The  Wonderful  Telephone" 108 

"Our  Girls  at  School" 112 

A  Novel  Musical  Act.     "Musical  Convicts" 116 

SECTION    IX. 

TRAVESTIES,  SKETCHES,  AFTER-PIECES,  ETC. 

A  Very  Pleasant  Evening 120 

The  War  Correspondent 128 

Ill-Treated  Trovatore 133 

SECTION  X. 

SHADOW  PANTOMIMES,  ETC. 

How  to  Put  on  Shadow  Pantomimes 140 

"The  Lobsterscope" 141 

"Frolics  in  the  Moon" 146 


DIRECTORY    .  150 


"GENTLEMEN,  BE  SEATED " 

AND  PAY  ATTENTION  TO  A  FEW  WORDS  BY  THE  AUTHOR. 

A  MINSTREL,  entertainment  gives  the  young  amateur  rare  opportu- 
nities to  display  talent  in  the  vocal,  comedy  and  dancing  lines.  No 
form  of  entertainment  is  so  replete  with  comedy,  nor  gives  such 
universal  satisfaction  when  well  represented.  It  affords  vocalists  a 
chance  locome  out  in  solo  or  concerted  work,  and  the  young  comedians  or 
dancers  excellent  opportunities  to  shine  forth  and  give  full  vent  to  their 
humor  and  wit.  Minstrelsy  is  the  one  American  form  of  amusement, } 
purely  our  own,  and  it  has  lived  and  thrived  even  though  the  plantation 
darkey,  who  first  gave  it  a  character,  has  departed.  The  dandy  negro 
has  supplanted  him,  but  the  laughable  blunders  are  still  incorporated  in 
the  negro  of  the  present  time.  The  ballads  of  Stephen  C.  Foster, 
breathing  of  slave  life  and  the  cotton-fields,  have  been  laid  aside  for 
the  modern  love  song  with  a  dramatic  story  or  descriptive  ballad, — 
yet  the  minstrels  sing  them  and  the  change  from  ante-bellum  days  to 
the  darkey  of  the  present  time,  has  been  accomplished  without  percep- 
tion. Minstrelsy  is  the  most  popular  form  of  amusement  and  is  always 
selected  as  a  vehicle  to  present  the  talent  of  a  club,  college,  school  or 
association.  With  this  in  view,  the  present  book  is  compiled  and 


THE  WITH  ARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


arranged  to  instruct,  suggest  and  prepare  a  minstrel  entertainment, 
perfect  in  all  its  details — from  the  "  blacking  up  "  of  the  artists  to  the 
faU  of  the  curtain  upon  the  concluding  burlesque.  Everything  is 
arranged  in  the  most  simple  manner  to  assist  the  aspirants  in  their 
preliminary  efforts,  detail  being  the  watchword.  The  ladies  have  not 
been  forgotten,  for  be  it  recorded  that  it  is  quite  the  fad  for  ladies  to 
' '  black  up  ' '  and  give  a  minstrel  show.  Valuable  suggestions  are 
offered  to  the  ladies  in  their  minstrel  efforts,  such  as  how  to  prepare 
themselves  for  the  performances  and  the  providing  of  suitable  sketches, 
monologues  and  burlesques  wherein  ladies  appear.  There  are  also 
entertainments  for  both  sexes,  outlined  in  a  comprehensive  manner, 
giving  full  directions  for  a  complete  performance  ;  especially  the  cake 
walk  and  shadow  pantomime .  A  collection  of  up-to-date  jokes,  conun- 
drums, gags,  monologues  and  bits  of  reparte  will  prove  valuable  to  pro- 
fessionals and  amateurs  alike,  for  all  may  refresh  their  stock  of  ''Chat- 
ter ' '  from  these  pages  and  select  from  the  abundance  of  funnyisms 
and  humorous  material  enough  to  equip  them  for  a  long  time. 

It  has  been  the  aim  of  the  writer  to  provide  for  the  young  amateur 
a  gold  mine  in  which  to  delve  and  draw  forth  '  'chunks' '  of  fun,  to  spring 
upon  his  audience,  and  he  has  also  endeavored  to  make  this  book  a 
veritable  encyclopedia  of  everything  appertaining  to  minstrels  ;  at 
the  same  time  he  has  not  forgotten  to  build  a  work  to  which  the  reader 
can  turn  and  peruse,  when  seeking  funny  literature,  or  a  remedy  for 
that  tired  feeling  called  ennui  or  the  blues. 

It  is  with  feelings  of  pleasure  that  the  author  acknowledges  the 
many  valuable  suggestions  advanced  by  Isidore  Witmark,  Esq.  The 
hours  of  collaboration  and  exchange  of  ' '  ideas  ' '  to  benefit  and  place 
this  work  beyond  anything  ever  attempted  in  its  line  will  ever  be 
pleasantly  remembered  by  him. 

In  conclusion,  he  sincerely  hopes  that  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL 
GUIDE  AND  BURNT  CORK  ENCYCLOPEDIA  will  do  some  good  some- 
where, assuring  those  interested  that  all  the  material  contained  in  the 
book  has  been  given  before  very  refined  audiences,  and  thoroughly  tested 
by  DUMONT'S  MINSTRELS  and  other  first  class  troupes  of  America. 

Sincerely, 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


FRANK   DUMONT. 


PANK  DUMONT  has  devoted  a  lifetime  to  minstrelsy,  and  in 
writing  for  it,  in  all  its  phases.  He  entered  the  profession  as  a 
mere  lad,  and  has  been  connected  with  all  the  famous  troupes 
during  his  career.  With  Birch,  Wambold,  Bernard  &  Backus'  San 
Francisco  Minstrels,  in  New  York  City,  he  produced  many  burlesques 
on  current  events.  His  burlesque  on  "Patience"  ran  for  one  hundred 
and  fifty  nights  at  the  San  Francisco  Opera  House.  While  with 
Duprez  and  Benedict's  Minstrels  (then  in  the  zenith  of  their  popularity) 
he  wrote  many  sketches  and  burlesques,  which  achieved  great  popu- 
larity, notably,  "My  Wife's  Visitors,"  "The  Polar  Bear/'  "Red  Riding 
Hood,"  "Black  Robinson  Crusoe,"  " II Trova tore  Done  Over,"  and  a 
score  of  musical  burlesques  on  popular  comic  operas  of  that  era. 

For  the  ELEVENTH  STREET  OPERA  HOUSE  he  wrote  ' '  Helen's 
Babies,"  which  ran  nearly  an  entire  season.  Then  his  burlesque  on 
"  The  Mikado"  ran  for  fifty  nights.  This  is  still  a  favorite  piece  with 
amateurs,  for  which  Mr.  Dumont  has  arranged  many  comic  plays. 
He  was  connected  with  the  first  complete  minstrel  company  that 
crossed  the  Plains  directly  after  the  railway  to  San  Francisco  was  fin- 
ished, and  was  in  the  Indian  attack  upon  the  troupe,  the  news  of 
which  created  quite  a  sensation  when  it  reached  the  East,  where  the 
members  were  so  well  known.  Hughey  Dougherty,  then  its  come- 
dian, was  reported  killed  and  scalped.  Mr.  Dumont 's  writings  for 
the  minstrel  stage  cover  a  wide  range — from  end  songs,  monologues 
and  sketches  to  elaborate  burlesques — original  or  on  current  fads 
or  follies.  The  best  known  are  ' '  Scenes  at  Wanamaker's, "  ' '  Broad 
Street  Station,"  "  International  Yacht  Race,"  "Camille,"  "TheSteal- 
the-Alarm  (burlesque  on  Still  Alarm), '  "Fedora,"  "  Heart  of  Mary- 
land," "Secret  Serve-us,"  "The  Blizzard  Hotel,"  "Atlantic  City 


THE   WlTMARK   MlNSTREl,    GUIDE. 


Storms,"  "  The  Trolley-Car  Party,"  and  hundreds  of  minor  sketches 
upon  passing  events,  as  the  ELEVENTH  STREET  OPERA  HOUSE  presents 
burlesques  on  everything  that  is  "  talked  about." 

Mr.  Dumont  has  been  the  purveyor  of  amusements  at  this  noted 
home  of  minstrels  for  many  years.  He  thoroughly  understands  his 
audience,  and  knowing  that  people  come  to  the  minstrels  to  laugh,  he 
furnishes  food  for  merriment  in  abundance.  His  comic  work  is 
noticeable  in  productions  of  greater  pretensions,  such  as  ' '  The  Book 
Agent,"  from  which  "The  Parlor  Match,  '  for  Evans  &  Hoey,  was 
elaborated;  "The  Rain-makers,"  for  Donnelly  and  Girard;  "McFad- 
den's  Elopement,''  for  John  and  Harry  Kernel!;  '  The  Cuban  Spy,"  for 
Maude  Hillman,  and  a  dozen  dramas  which  achieved  popularity  at  the 
time  of  their  production.  He  has  collected  the  latest  and  best  effusions 
of  mirth  for  this  book,  and  there  is  no  doubt  of  its  triumphant  success. 
Every  amateur,  college  student  and  professional  comedian  will  find  it  of 
the  greatest  value  as  a  book  of  reference  to  ' '  think  up  "  and  construct 
monologues  or  gags  at  remarkably  short  notice. 


THE   WlTMARK   MINSTREL   GUIDE;. 


ELEVENTH  STREET  OPERA  HOUSE, 

PHILADELPHIA,    PA. 

WHERE  DUMONT'S  MINSTREL  COMPANY  IS  PERMANENTLY 

LOCATED. 

IT'S    HISTORY   AND   SUCCESSFUL   MISSION. 

SEVERAL  generations  have  come  and  gone  since  the  ELEVENTH 
STREET  OPERA  HOUSE  first  opened  it's  doors  for  laughing  purpo- 
ses only.  Its  mission  from  the  start  was  to  amuse,  and  no  other 
place  of  entertainment  in  the  world  has  more  successfully  accomplished 
its  purpose,  nor  can  point  with  pride  to  its  banner  upon  which  is  em- 
blazoned :  Vent,  Vidi,  Vici.  It  came,  it  saw,  and  it  conquered 
melancholia  and  gave  merriment  in  abundance.  The  ELEVENTH 
STREET  OPERA  HOUSE  was  the  3ist  place  of  amusement  in  Philadelphia. 
It  was  opened  by  Sam  Cartee,  Dec.  4th,  1854.  He  made  alterations 
in  the  building  and  called  it  Cartee' s  Lyceum.  The  Company  was 
called  the  "  Julien  Serenaders,"  or  Minstrels.  In  this  company  were 
E.  F.  Dixey,  Ben  Cotton  and  others  who  became  popular  ;  but  Cartee 
soon  gave  way  to  S.  S.  Sanford,  who  began  April  23d,  1855,  with 
Sanford's  Minstrels.  The  opening  bill  contained  the  names  of  Cool 
White,  Sanford,  Kavanagh,  Lynch,  Dixey,  Von  Bonhurst  and  others. 
For  a  long  time  Sanford  occupied  this  house  of  burlesque,  and  to  a 
past  generation  catered  successfully  in  every  respect.  In  1862  Carn- 
cross  and  Dixey  assumed  the  reins  of  management,  and  under  their 
guidance  it  continued  to  amuse,  delight  and  interest  Philadelphians. 
Upon  its  stage  came  a  rapid  succession  of  local  burlesques,  which  has 
made  this  opera  house  famous  the  world  over.  After  over  a  quarter 
of  a  century  of  successful  permanency  at  the  ELEVENTH  STREET 
OPERA  HOUSE,  Carncross  retired  and  was  succeeded  by  Dumont's  Min- 
strels, which  constitutes  the  best  minstrel  talent  in  the  country,  and 
distances  all  its  predecessors  in  the  elegance  of  its  vocalists,  the  humor 
of  its  burlesques,  the  attention  to  details,  mise-en-scene  and  general 
appointments,  to  such  an  extent  as  to  make  it  one  of  the  front  rank 
amusement  attractions  in  Philadelphia  to-day.  Upon  the  stage  of  this 
familiar  resort  famous  comedy  and  singing  stars  have  received  their  first 
instructions  and  graduated.  Among  them  may  be  mentioned  :  S.  C. 
Campbell,  Wm.  Castle,  Chauncey  Olcott,  Lew  Dockstader,  Weber  and 
Fields,  John  C.  Rice,  Edwin  Foy,  Press  Eldridge,  Gordon  Thomas, 
the  basso,  and  a  host  of  former  favorites  now  gathered  to  the  silent 
majority. 

All  these  received  a  finished  education  in  stage  craft,  which  is  ab- 
solutely needed  in  the  work  of  presenting  and  portraying  characters  in 
the  great  burlesques  written  for  this  opera  house,  which  is  truly 
styled  the  "  Fountain  Head  of  Minstrelsy,"  where  originated  almost 
everything  humorous  which  one  sees  transplanted  into  the  many  pro- 


THE  WlTMARK   MlNSTRKly  GUIDE. 


THE  WlTMARK  MlNSTREl,  GUIDE. 


ductions  that  visit  our  city  or  that  are  given  elsewhere.  The  great 
burlesque  hits  of  this  house  of  minstrelsy,  still  remembered  with 
pleasure  by  its  patrons,  include  the  popular  travesties,  "Pinafore," 
"Mr.  Mikado,"  "  Peck  s  Bad  Boy ,"  "Helen's  Babies/'  "Wanamaker's 
Restaurant,"  "  Broad  Street  Station,"  "Yellow  Kid,"  "The  Girl  from 
Paris  (Green),"  "High  Lung  Chang,"  "Dukeof  Marlboro's  Wedding," 
"Mrs.  Bradley  Martin's  Ball"  and  hundreds  of  local  sketches,  which  cre- 
ated their  share  of  laughter,  and  were  then  laid  aside,  as  the  "mill"  is 
constantly  grinding  out  merriment  here,  its  prolific  promoters  believ- 
ing in  onward  evolutions.  Rehearsals  are  in  progress  every  morning, 
but  no  labor  of  any  kind  is  permitted  in  the  Opera  House  upon  the 
Sabbath.  The  history  of  minstrelsy  is  closely  interwoven  with  this 
famous  place  of  amusement,  which  is  known  throughout  the  world. 
The  present  lessee,  Mr.  Geo.  W.  Barber,  has  been  connected  with  the 
Opera  House  since  1876.  The  business  manager,  George  S.  Hetzell, 
has  been  here  the  same  length  of  time.  Both  are  indefatigable  in 
their  work  for  the  comfort  of  patrons,  the  excellence  of  the  entertain- 
ment and  all  its  details.  Frank  Dumont  has  been  here  for  years,  and 
his  work  as  an  author  and  producer  is  well  known  to  Philadelphians. 
THE  ELEVENTH  STREET  OPERA  HOUSE  is  noted  for  the  character  of  its 
entertainments,  is  patronized  by  clergymen,  and  is  a  household  word 
among  local  and  visiting  pleasure-seekers. 


Section  TL 


IMPORTANT  INSTRUCTIONS 

FOR     THE     MIDDLE     MAN     AND     STAGE     MANAGER. 

IN  rehearsing  the  gags  with  the  end  men,  be  careful  to  impress  upon 
them  the  necessity  of  selecting  those  of  a  varied  nature  in  order  to 
avoid  similarity  of  subjects.  One  end  man  may  represent  the  en- 
lightened, sarcastic  darkey ;  another,  the  dense  fellow — jolly,  but 
ignorant.  Still  another,  the  imitative  or  declamatory  darkey,  whose 
forte  seems  to  be  poetry  or  recitations  ;  then,  again,  you  can  have  a 
sleepy,  blundering  fellow,  mispronouncing  words  and  totally  at  sea 
concerning  etiquette  or  history,  there  being  material  enough  in  this 
book  to  suit  all.  Do  not  use  dialect,  nor  allow  it  to  be  used,  as  it 
spoils  the  stories  and  is  often  unintelligible  to  the  audience.  It  is  for 
this  reason  that  the  gags,  etc. ,  have  not  been  written  in  dialect  form. 

A  mannerism  of  speech  can  be  assumed  without  using  the  thick 
dialect  of  the  Southern  darkey,  which  is  seldom  heard  among  the 
latter-day  children  of  Ham.  Have  the  entire  company  participating 
in  the  opening  chorus,  on  the  stage  five  minutes  before,  prepared  to 
be  discovered  standing  before  their  chairs  when  the  curtain  rises.  See 
that  every  member  is  correctly  attired,  and,  above  all,  that  collars, 
cuffs,  shirt  fronts  and  white  vests  (if  used)  of  the  gentlemen  are 
spotless.  Often  the  members  of  orchestras  will  not  "black  up," 
which  naturally  would  prevent  them  from  sitting  behind  the  circle.  It 
is  much  better  to  have  them  seated  in  front,  if  it  can  be  arranged,  as  the 
leader  can  then  observe  the  singers,  and  the  vocalists  in  turn  can  watch 
the  leader.  The  musical  conductor  should  always  be  seated  in  front 
to  direct  both  singers  and  the  orchestra,  should  the  musicians  even  be 
seated  on  the  stage.  Every  eye  should  be  upon  the  director  through- 
out the  musical  numbers  of  the  first  part.  The  middle  man  should 
have  a  list  or  routine  of  the  gags  and  songs  written  upon  his  fan  for 
his  own  safety  and  so  that  he  can  refresh  his  memory.  He  may 
arrange  same  something  after  this  manner  : 

1.  Overture.  6.    Change  of  end  men. 

2.  Squibs  and  Cross-fires,  by  7.    Song  by  Robbins. 

Kane  &  Chase.  8.  Ballad  by  Triller. 

3.  Comic  Song  by  Platz.  9.  Gag  by  Howard. 

4.  Ballad  by  Singem.  10.  Comic  Song  by  Rufus. 

5.  Gag  by  Williams.  11.  Finale. 

of  course  using  the  matter  of  his  own  programme.  This  list  will 
enable  him  to  know  exactly  the  routine  of  every  song  and  gag  in  the 
first  part,  and  by  whom  it  is  rendered,  thus  avoiding  serious  mistakes 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


which  are  apt  to  spoil  an  entire  performance.  It  is  also  a  good  idea 
for  the  middle  man  to  jot  down  the  first  few  words  of  each  gag  as 
a  cue  in  the  order  they  are  told. 

Instruct  the  leader  of  orchestra  to  lay  out  all  his  music  in  the 
rotation  in  which  the  songs  will  be  rendered,  and  also  mark  the  "en- 
cores" in  each  orchestral  part  from  where  such  encore  is  to  be  taken. 
This  saves  delay  and  dangerous  mistakes.  Be  sure  to  rehearse  each 
"encore"  as  you  would  your  solos  and  other  musical  numbers,  and 
thereby  insure  a  smooth  and  perfect  performance.  Where  the  Wit- 
mark  Minstrel  Overture  is  used,  the  middle  man's  cues  are  already 
marked  and  opening  speeches  incorporated.  Such  as :  The  chorus 
before  rise  of  curtain — Introduction  of  end  men — "Gentlemen  be 
seated,"  etc.  All  these  features  are  arranged  in  this  overture,  which  is 
replete  with  novel  features,  chorus  selections,  and  innovations,  making 
it  one  of  the  big  successes  of  the  famous  minstrel  companies  of  America. 
Now,  where  this  overture  is  not  used,  the  interlocutor  will 'exclaim, 
"Gentlemen.be  seated,"  and  when  seated  announce  '•  Overture." 
After  overture,  and  to  give  the  musicians  time  to  change  instruments, 
or  turn  pages  of  music,  the  end  men  and  middle  man  indulge  in  a  few 
squibs.  These  will  be  found  in  Section  VI.  A  few  conundrums  may 
also  be  added  after  the  overture.  Then  the  middle  man  announces  the 
first  ballad  somewhat  after  this  style:  "The  popular  tenor,  Mr. 
Blank,  will  renaer  Ford  and  Bratton  s  ballad  success,  'Don't  Ask  Me 
to  Forget.'  "  (Future  ballad  announcements  are  delivered  in  about  the 
same  manner,  changing  the  style  of  language  to  avoid  monotony). 
Then  may  follow  a  gag  from  one  of  the  inside  end  men.  (The  out- 
side end  men  have,  as  a  rule,  the  last  gags  and  songs).  By  a  careful 
perusal  of  Sections  V.  and  VI. ,  the  comedians  may  each  be  able  to  select 
a  line  of  good  gags  which  they  can  easily  dove-tail  by  introducing  ?. 
little  original  ' '  patter  ' '  relative  to  the  gags.  It  is  advisable  to  have 
only  a  little  patter — a  very  little. 

After  this,  interlocutor  announces  :  '  'Mr  Dash  will  sing  the  latest 
coon  ditty,  by  A.  B.  Sloane.  'You've  got  to  Play  Rag-time.'  '  (Simi- 
lar announcements  for  other  coon  or  end  songs).  If  you  have  a 
change  of  end  men,  which  is  a  prevailing  novelty,  rise  and  announce 
in  this  manner  :  "  /  now  take  great  pleasure  in  introducing  the  Kings 
of  Momus  and  Jesters,  par  excellence,  Messrs.  'Ha-Ha '  and  'He- 
He.'  ''  As  soon  as  this  announcement  is  made,  the  outside  end  men 
leave  the  stage  quickly  to  make  room  for  end  men  just  announced, 
who  enter  from  opposite  sides  and  cross  to  their  seats,  bow  and  sit  down. 
(NOTE. — End  men  who  have  just  retired,  can,  in  the  meantime,  be 
dressing  for  parts  in  the  finale).  The  new-comers  begin  with  a  gag  or 
a  song  which  will  be  announced  by  the  middle  man.  So  the  first  part  is 
kept  running — song  and  gag — until  all  have  had  their  innings.-  Then 
the  finale  is  presented.  Selection  can  be  made  from  material  in 
Sections  VII.  and  VIII.  It  is  very  often  necessary  to  drop  a  scene  in  first 
grooves  in  order  to  set  the  stage  for  the  finale.  In  that  case  the  inter- 


lo  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


locutor  announces  a  quartette  or  a  sextette  or  some  specialty  that  can 
be  done  in  one  to  consume  enough  time  for  the  change  of  scene.  As 
soon  as  announced,  the  singers  step  to  the  front  and  the  drop  is 
lowered.  It  is  advisable  not  to  place  two  tenor  ballads  one  after  the 
other  in  arranging  your  programme.  Have  a  baritone  or  bass  solo 
between  ;  it  will  be  more  effective.  One  of  the  most  essential 
points  is  the  proper  selecting  of  varied  songs.  The  publishers  of  this 
book  will  be  pleased  at  any  time  to  give  advice  on  such  matters  upon 
application. 

Each  comedian  should  have  a  guide  of  his  own  to  study  or  make 
selections  from  for  his  individual  work.  This  will  expedite  matters.  The 
stage  manager  will  arrange  and  prepare  the  programme  for  the  printer 
and  correct  the  proof,  time  each  act,  song  and  gag  at  rehearsal  and  will 
thus  estimate  the  length  of  the  performance.  Avoid  too  much  pomp- 
osity and  the  constant  repetition  of  the  word,  "Sir."  Be  natural. 
Talk  distinctly  and  loud  so  as  to  be  heard  by  your  audience,  especially 
where  a  point  is  to  be  gained  by  the  comedians. 

REMEMBER — "Brevity  is  the  soul  of  wit,"  so  do  not  have 
your  show  too  long,  as  it  may  become  tedious. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL,  GUIDE. 


SELECTING  THE  TALENT  AND   ARRANGING 
THE  REHEARSALS. 

AN  EXHAUSTIVE   TREATMENT. 

THK  most  important  item  in  the  beginning  of  your  minstrel  pre- 
parations will  be  the  appointment  of  a  competent  and  strict 
stage  manager.  The  old  saying,  that  '  '  too  many  cooks  spoil 
the  broth,"  is  true  in  this  case,  as  it  would  be  in  the  culinary  depart- 
ment of  a  hotel.  One  must  conduct  and  direct  the  rehearsals,  and  it 
is  better  to  have  that  one  conversant  with  music,  as  it  will  aid  in  the 
rehearsals  of  the  overture  and  other  musical  numbers,  especially  the 
playing  of  the  Tambourines  and  Bones,  which,  while  seemingly  simple, 
require  a  vast  amount  of  practise,  (if  more  than  two  "end  men" 
participate)  to  get  the  movements  and  taps  alike,  where  to  rest  and  fill 
in  the  time  with  graceful  movements,  or  rising  from  chairs,  going  to 
centre  of  stage,  and  with  graceful  evolutions  return  again  to  work  up 
a  spirited  climax  for  an  emphatic  ending.  All  this  must  be  rehearsed 
carefully  under  the  direction  of  the  stage  manager.  A  very  clever  and 
original  idea  in  Descriptive  Overtures  has  been  prepared  expressly  for 
this  part  of  minstrelsy.  It  is  entitled,  "The  Witmark  Minstrel  Over- 
ture and  Opening  Chorus,  '  '  composed  and  arranged  by  Isidore  Witmark. 
No  detail  is  lacking  in  this  overture.  Instructions  for  every  tap  and 
every  move  are  distinctly  and  comprehensively  given.  It  has  been  a 
grand  success  with  the  professional  troupes,  and  is  within  the  ability 
of  every  amateur,  both  in  its  vocal  and  musical  arrangement. 

In  selecting  your  Middleman,  it  would  be  best  to  have  one  with 
good  delivery,  deep  voice,  good  memory,  and  if  he  can  be..zV»- 
promptu  in  his  replies,  it  will  greatly  aid  the  Comedian.  He  can 
have  the  "cues"  for  titles  of  songs  or  jokes  pinned  or  secured  upon 
his  fan,  where  he  can  glance  at  them  unseen  by  the  audience  There 
should  be  frequent  rehearsals  for  the  End  Men  and  the  Middleman, 
whereby  the  jokes  and  dialogues  can  be  thoroughly  gone  over  and 
memorized.  Call  special  rehearsals  for  the  principals  only,  and  an- 
nounce your  date  for  all  rehearsals  two  or  four  weeks  in  advance  of  the 
time  of  your  performance.  There  will  be  no  excuse  for  your  members 
to  make  other  engagements  when  dates  are  thus  arranged.  Demand 
full  attendance  at  rehearsals,  and,  more  than  any  thing  else,  strict 
attention.  Stop  all  talking  in  the  entrances,  idle  gossip  and  side  re- 
marks that  may  annoy  the  stage  manager  and  those  intent  upon  their 
work.  It  is  essential  to  secure  a  good  pianist  to  teach  the  music  to 
ladies  and  gentlemen  of  the  "chorus,"  and  to  assist  the  stage  manager, 
who  will  be  directing  the  "business." 

It  will  now  be  necessary  to  select  the  talent  in  all  departments  to 
form  a  complete  minstrel  company.  First,  choose  the  singers  compris- 
ing the  vocal  corps.  An  ordinary  male  quartette  is  composed  of  a 
First  and  Second  Tenor,  Baritone  and  Basso,  (for  female  quartette, 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


First  and  Second  Soprano,  First  and  Second  Contralto),  but  for 
minstrel  part  singing  the  '  *  iMale  Alto' '  is  a  valuable  acquisition  for 
solo  work,  as  his  voice  "stands  out"  well  in  ensemble.  Having 
selected  a  number  of  voices,  you  will  next  turn  your  attention  to  the 
Comedians.  This  is  a  very  important  matter,  as  nine  out  of  ten  be- 
ginners imagine  they  are  "funny,"  without  having  the  least  reason 
for  thus  guessing.  This  can  best  be  determined  by  the  manner  in 
which  they  sing  comic  songs  at  rehearsal,  or  the  manner  in  which 
they  render  a  humorous  recitation.  A  few  tests  will  soon  show  the 
ability  of  the  aspirant,  who  should  abide  by  the  decision  of  the  stage 
director.  The  pages  of  this  book  will  supply  him  with  comic  anecdotes 
and  jokes,  also  the  lines  and  suggestions  for  enacting  the  characters 
in  Burlesques,  etc. 

Having  secured  your  opening  chorus,   the   selecting  of  popular 
ballads  and  funny  coon  songs  is  in  order.     These  can  always  be  found 


END  MEN 


AUDIENCE 

DIAGRAM  OF  STAGE. 

in  the  extensive  stock  of  M.  Witrnark  &  Sons,  who  are  continually 
keeping  strictly  "up-to-date."  A  special  catalogue  of  catalogues, 
entitled  "Are  You  Interested  In  Amateur  Affairs?"  embracing  in- 
teresting suggestions  of  the  latest  vocal  and  instrumental  hits  of  all 
kinds,  will  be  sent  on  application.  With  }rour  rehearsals  of  ballads  and 
comic  songs,  you  will  have  taken  the  first  important  steps  in  your 
minstrel  rehearsal.  You  must  next  determine  the  styles  and  settings 
of  your  ' '  first  part. ' '  You  will  find  in  section  IV. ,  several  suggestions. 
These  are  described  and  a  sample  program  is  given  to  each  as  a 
guide.  The  Finales,  Olios,  Specialties  and  Burlesques  suitable  for 
them  will  be  found  in  sections  VI.,  VII.,  VIII. ,  IX. 

Be  sure  to  rehearse  with  "props"  and  on   the  night  have  them 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  13 


in  their  proper  places.  A  special  man  should  look  after  them  and  see 
that  every  character  requiring  "  props"  is  taken  care  of. 

The  position  r»f  the  gentlemen  in  the  circle  is  outlined  in  the 
diagram  on  preceding  page,  but  changes  can  be  made  to  suit  the  con- 
ditions 

In  arranging  the  first  part  select  a  handsome  palace,  conservatory 
or  columned  interior  for  the  set  of  the  above  "  First  Part."  You  place 
the  musicians  behind  the  circle  of  singers  and  comedians,  upon  an  ele- 
vation or  staging,  high  enough  to  be  over  the  heads  of  the  front  circle, 
when  seated,  also  second  circle,  if  you  care  to  have  one.  The  "  set  " 
above  described  is  for  a  handsome  interior  "  First  Part,"  in  which  the 
costumes  may  be  of  regulation  evening  dress  suit,  court  dresses,  or  any 
costuming  suitable  for  interior  pictures. 

From  the  ideas  thus  advanced  the  amateur  will  be  enabled  to  frame 
a  "  first  part ' '  of  his  own  liking  and  costume  it  from  the  resources  at 
his  command. 


14  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


HOW  TO    BLACK    UP. 

AN   INSTRUCTIVE   INTERVIEW. 

A  REPORTER  of  the  Evening  Star  called  upon  Mr.  Dumont  last 
evening  in  his  dressing  room  of  the  pretty  Eleventh  Street  Opera 
House,  wherein  Dumont' s  minstrels  nightly  hold  forth.  The 
members  of  the  company  were  preparing  their  "  faces,"  to  appear  as 
darkies  in  the  first  part,  and  were  applying  the  burnt  cork.  All  this 
was  a  revelation  to  the  reporter  and  a  peep  behind  the  scenes,  a  privi- 
lege granted  but  to  a  few.  ' '  What  is  that  you  are  putting  on  your 
face,  is  it  black  paint?  "  "  No  indeed,"  replied  Dumont,  "  it  is  burnt 
cork,  a  very  simple  preparation,  but  nothing  has  ever  been  invented  to 
take  its  place.  First,  \ve  get  a  lot  of  champagne  corks,  or  remnants  or 
cork  from  a  cork  stopper  factory.  These  are  placed  in  an  o"d  tin  pail 
—which  serves  as  a  furnace — and  then  ignited.  A  few  holes  in  the 
pail  which  furnish  draught  for  the  blazing  corks.  When  they  have 
been  thoroughly  burned,  they  are  crushed  and  reduced  to  a  powder  by 
hand.  Then  this  powder  is  moistened  with  water,  and  we  run  it 


BLACKING  UP  AND   ADJUSTING  WIG. 
4 

through  a  small  paint  mill  to  grind  it  fine.  Then  we  place  the  paste 
thus  made  into  tin  boxes  and  it  is  ready  for  use.  You  moisten  with  a 
little  water  the  quantity  you  need  as  you  are  applying  it  to  the  face. 
We  do  not  mix  any  thing  else  with  it,  although  I  have  seen  various 
recipes  calling  for  vaseline  and  other  ingredients."  "How  is 
it  applied?"  "Take  some  into  the  palm  of  your  left  hand,  rub  it 
over  the  palms  as  if  about  to  wash  your  face;  then  smear  it  over  the 
features  as  if  applying  a  cosmetic.  Carefully  apply  it  around  the  eyes 
and  about  the  lips."  "  Do  you  paint  the  lips  red?  "  "  No,  sir;  when 
yon  have  applied  the  cork  and  left  the  lips  in  the  natural  conditio  i 
they  will  appear  red  to  the  audience.  Comedians  leave  a  wider^white 
margin  all  around  the  lips.  This  will  give  it  the  appearance  of  a  large 
mouth,  and  will  look  red  to  the  spectator.  Having  blackened  my  fea 
tures,  I  now  take  my  sponge  and  with  it  wipe  the  palms  of  both  hands. 
Thi.i  i  i  for  a  double  reason.  It  represents  the  real  color  of  the  colored 


THE  \VITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


man's  hand;  at  the  same  time  cleans  that  portion  of  the  hands  for::the 
remainder  of  the  make  up  for  the  stage.  Thus  you :  cart  handle  the 
white  vest,  bosom  of  shirt,  collars  ard  ties  without  soiling  them. 

"  You  will  notice  that  in  '  blacking  up'  I  use  an  old  under  gai^ 
ment  commonly  called  an  '  undershirt.'  This  is  used  to  keep  spotless 
white,  the  bosom  of  the  article  in  which  1  appear  before  an  audience. 
Now,  you  will  observe  that  I  am  all  'blacked  up.'  "  <4  Yes,"  said 
the  reporter,  "but  what  has  often  puzzled  me  is  how  do  you  fix,  or 
paste  on  your  face,  the  white  hair  to  represent  old  darkies  ?  "  "  That 
is  quite  easy  to  represent,  after  blacking  up,  we  use  chalk.  Drop 
chalk  we  call  it,  and  it  is  obtained  at  the  wig  man's  or  your  drug  store. 
You  just  outline  eyebrows  with  it,  chin  whiskers  or  a  grey  beard.  It's 
all  done  with  this  chalk.  A  *  bald  '  wig  with  just  a  fringe  of  grey  wool 
is  placed  on  the  head,  and  large  brass  rimmed  spectacles  on  your  nose, 
and  you've  got  an  old  '  Uncle  Tom,'  and  the  picture  of  an  aged  colored 
individual."  "  Then  it's  all  in  the  wig  and  a  bit  of  chalk  ?  "  "  Yes, 


ADJUSTING   OLD  MAN'S  WIG,    BEARD  AND  EYEBROWS. 

sir;  excepting  you  desire  to  adjust  a  bare  gray  beard  which  can  be  had 
of  the  wigmaker  or  costumer.*  Now  you  see  I  am  blacked  up  and  I  take 
a  small  soft  brush,  which  also  get  at  wigmaker 's,  to  rub  off  the  particles 
of  cork  from  my  features  to  prevent  them  from  falling  on  my  white  shirt 
front  and  white  vest. "  "I  see,  I  see!"  "Now,  sir;  I  put  on  my  creamy 
white  shirt,  after  I  am  thoroughly  blacked  up;  then  a  paper  or  celluloid 
collar,  a  small  black  tie — some  use  a  white  tie — then  my  cuffs,  either  of 
paper  or  celluloid.  Now  I  put  on  my  white  vest.  Here  my  clean 
hands  do  not  soil  the  vest  as  I  button  it."  "  Now  I  see  why  you  used 
your  sponge  upon  the  palms  of  them."  "  Certainly;  now  I  put  on  my 
swallow- tailed  coat,  with  a  flashy  flower  or  '  boutonierre  '  in  its  lapel, 
and  I  resemble  a  perfect  Beau  Brummel,  do  I  not?"  "You  do," 
said  the  reporter,  "  and  those  satin  knickerbockers?  "  "  They  are  s 
compromise  between  the  old  and  new  style  of  dress.  I  do  not  use  the 
silk  and  plush  costumes  here,  so  we  wear  black  satin  knee  pants,  black 
stockings  and  low  cut  patent  leather  shoes..  This  is  very  genteel, 
dressy  and  in  keeping  with  minstrelsy.  It  is  also  full  evening  dress  as 
adopted  by  the  'Four  Hundred,'  so  you  see  we  are  'in  it'  so  to 
speak."  "  I  understand  that  it  is  quite  the  fad  for  ladies  to  give  a 

*  See  directory  back  of  book. 


16  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


minstrel  entertainment."  '•  Yes,  indeed;  it  is  more  popular  than  ever. 
Why  this  season  I  have  furnished  material  for  several  entertainments, 
given  by  ladies  only. '  *  ' '  How  do  they  blacken  up  ?  "  "  Pretty  much 
as  we  do.  It  would' nt  do  for  them  to  put  on  their  complete  costumes 
first.  That  would  surely  spoil  them.  No,  they  commence  as  we  do, 
then  attire  themselves  in  their  stage  costumes.  Where  they  wear  short 
sleeves  they  do  not  blacken  the  arms,  but  wear  long  black  silk  or  ordi- 
nary gloves,  and,  by  the  way,  we  sometimes  do  not  blacken  the  hands, 
but  wear  black  gloves  or  white  ones.  I  have  my  minstrel  company 
blacken  the  hands,  especially  musicians,  who  cannot  wear  gloves  for 
such  instruments  as  violins,  flutes,  clarinets,  double  basso,  etc. 
Therefore  to  '  look  alike  '  we  blacken  our  hands.  The  ladies,  how- 
ever, all  wear  black  gloves  except  the  '  end  men.'  You  see  I  call  them 
'  end  men  '  even  if  they  are  ladies."  "  One  thing  more,"  said  the  re- 
porter. '  Now  the  cork  is  on,  how  do  you  get  it  off  ?  Scrape-  it  off 
with  a  knife?"  Mr.  Dumont  laughed  of  course  at  the  scraping  part 
of  the  make-up.  '  I  just  remove  all  my  finery,'  said  he,  'also  the 
make-up  shirt,  and  with  a  sponge  and  a  cake  of  soap  I  go  at  it.1  I 
make  a  good  lather  and  smear  it  over  my  face — then  with  the  sponge 
well  soaped,  I  go  over  the  face  and  neck,  and  presto,  the  cork  has 
almost  vanished.  No  hard  rubbing  is  necessary.  Plenty  of  lather 

I  and  a  sponge.  Then  go  over  the  face  once  more  and  then  rinse  your 
' '  features' '  in  a  bucket  of  fresh  water — if  you  can  get  it — and  once  more 

'  you  are  a  Caucasian  ready  to  take  up  the  '  white  man's  burden,'  in- 
stead of  the  coon's.  You  can  catch  the  idea  from  my  explanation,  but 
you  wait  until  after  the  show,  I  will  be  pleased  to  give  you  a  practical 
demonstration, — how  simple  it  is.  It's  easy  to  take  off  if  you  do  so 
properly.  After  you  are  washed  and  features  are  dried  with  a  towel,  use 
a  little  powdered  magnesia  upon  the  face. ' '  By  this  time  Mr.  Dumont 
and  his  troupe  were  ready  and  they  descended  to  the  stage.  I  heard  the 
bell  ring  and  the  curtain  arose  upon  the  handsome  circle  of  minstrels. 
The  Interlocutor  said,  "be  seated,  gentlemen."  They  bowed,  sat 
down,  and  then  began  their  "  First  Part." 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  17 

HOW  TO  RELATE  JOKES,  OR  TO  TELL  A  "GAG." 

THE   NEWSPAPER  MAN    "AT   IT"    AGAIN. 

"Pardon  me,  Mr.  Dumont,"  said  the  reporter,  "but  here  I  am 
again  to  bother  you."  "  No  trouble,  sir.  What  is  it?"  "I  want  to 
know  if  you  have  a  system  or  a  method  for  telling  gags,  relating  jokes 
such  as  you  and  your  end  men  do  nightly  in  your  Opera  House?" 
11  Well,  that  is  rather  a  peculiar  question,  but  one  that  has  often  been 
asked,"  said  the  minstrel  manager.  "  There  is  certainly  a  style  and  a 
jolly  manner  to  be  assumed  in  relating  a  story,  especially  while  seated 
as  *  Bones'  or  '  Tambourine' .  Imagine  a  blank-faced  fellow  telling  a 
very  funny  story  with  features  immovable,  looking  sad,  expressionless 
and  as  if  he  didn't  have  a  friend  in  the  world.  How  can  he  expect 
his  audience  to  show  signs  of  mirth  with  his  funereal  countenance  and 
slow  delivery,  especially  in  this  age  of  rapid  transit  ?  "  4<  '1  hat's  very 
true,  Mr.  Dumont."  "  Now,  Hughey  Dougherty  and  myself  begin  our 
fusilade  of  chatter  as  if  we  enjoyed  it,  and  I  confess  that  we  do.  Once 
or  twice  your  newspapers  remarked  that  the  middle  man  had  to  laugh 
at  the  jokes,  consequently  they  were  fresh  and  funny  to  him.  That 
was  a  compliment  and  a  truth.  Dougherty  is  one  of  the  cleverest,  fun- 
niest and  most  witty  of  comedians.  He  is  spontaneous,  and  most  of  our 
gagging  is  impromptu.  I  start  in  speaking  of  some  local  fad  or  hap- 
pening and  Hughey  turns  it  into  ridicule.  Before  several  nights  we 
have  a  roaring  joke  or  gag  constructed.  But  all  jokes  or  gags  are  not 
evolved  in  this  manner.  The  comedian  writes  them  out  and  studies 
the  points,  delivery,  inflection  of  voice,  and  the  words  leading  up  to  the 
finish  or  climax;  as  on  that  he  depends  for  his  big  laugh  to  terminate 
his  story  or  gag."  "Then,"  said  the  reporter,  "it's  very  much  like 
studying  elocution  ?  "  "  It  is  harder;  you  can't  learn  to  be  a  poet,  nor 
can  you  learn  to  be  a  comedian.  You  must  have  some  natural  talent 
and  a  sense  of  humor.  Some  men  in  a  circle  of  friends  will  relate  an 
anecdote  which  in  its  brevity  and  mimicry  or  tone  of  voice  will  be  funny 
to  all  listeners.  Then  others  will  begin  a  story,  a  long,  tedious  preface, 
useless  words,  a  story  long  spun  out,  and  when  the  climax  is  reached, 
you  yawn  and  laugh,  a  hollow  laugh,  just  to  be  polite;  but  you're 
mighty  glad  the  bore  or  drowsy  story-teller  has  finished.  He  can't  tell 
a  story,  and  yet  he  inflicts  it  upon  you,  if  he  gets  a  chance."  "I  have 
met  the  man  you  describe,"  said  the  reporter. 

"  Well,  sir,  the  comedian  telling  his  gag,  studies  to  avoid  that  and 
must  avoid  it.  Everything  depends  upon  his  jolly  manner  (unless  he 
assumes  a  sorrowful  or  sarcastic  manner,  which  is  necessary  in  telling 
some  gags),  the  quick  reply  of  the  middle  man,  and  the  emphasis  here 
and  there  upon  certain  words,  especially  when  he  plays  upon  words. 
Don't  rattle  off  your  story  like  a  poll  parrot,  nor  smother  your  voice 
when  coming  to  a  point.  Keep  the  voice  up.  Don't  let  it  drop  in  con- 
cluding your  words,  wherein  lies  the  point  of  your  joke  or  story.  That 
is  natural  elocution.  We  do  not  need  the  ultra  dramatic  idea  of  speak- 


1 8  THE  WITH  ARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 

ing  for  minstrel  business;  not  a  bit  of  it!  Speak  naturally,  without 
dialect,  as  it  is  not  used  by  the  end  men.  Keep  the  dialect  for  your 
imitations  of  colored  preachers  or  old  darkies.  Dialect  spoils  the  story 
and  detracts  from  it."  "  I  wish  you  could  give  me  an  idea  of  how  to 
tell  a  gag  or  joke,"  said  the  reporter.  "  I  do  not  know  that  I  can  give 
you  a  lesson  or  rather  a  kindergarten  idea  of  how  to  relate  a  gag;  but, 
if  you  will  listen,  I'll  run  through  a  short  story  and  you  can  gain  an  idea 
of  how  to  deliver  a  few  lines  in  the  joke  department.  For  instance,  the 
end  man  will  commence  laughing  as  if  he  had  just  thought  of  some- 
thing. I  say  to  him :'  What  seems  to  amuse  you  ?  Tell  me;  let  me  enjoy 
it  also.'  He  says:  '  Something  funny  happened  to  me.  I  was  standing 
on  the  corner  and  along  came  a  policeman,  and  he  says:  '  Do  you  play 
checkers'* '  I  say  'Yes.'  '  Well,'  says  the  cop,  '\Vsyour  move!'  I  moved 
or  he  would  have/ww/te^me  right  there!'  Now,  that's  simple,  isn't  it? 
But  do  you  see  where  I  raised  my  voice  or  made  certain  words  prom- 
inent or  emphatic  ?  Relate  the  above  without  punctuation  or  emphasis 
and  it  would  be  very  flat  indeed."  "It  would,"  assented  the  re- 
porter. "And  now  for  a  bit  of  mimicry,"  said  Dumoiit.  "  Two  cross- 
eyed men  on  bicycles  ran  into  each  other.  Oh!  what  a  collision!  They 
sprawled  all  over  the  street;  one  cross-eyed  man  said  to  the  other  (im- 
itating his  voice) :  '  Why  don't  you  look  where  you're  going  ?  *  The 
other  cross-eyed  man  said  (imitating  angry  man) :  '  If  you'd  gone  the 
way  you  were  looking  this  wouldn't  have  happened. '  Do  you  note  that 
I  kept  the  tone  of  voice  up  as  I  neared  the  conclusion  of  this  short  joke? 
I  imitated  the  tone  of  voice  of  the  two  angry  cross-eyed  men  also." 
"You  certainly  did,"  said  the  reporter.  "  And  now  to  relate  a  sen- 
sational story,  thus:  I  heard  the  cry  of  fire  and  saw  a  woman  at  the 
third  story  of  the  burning  house.  I  rushed  upstairs;  it  was  your  mother- 
in-law.  I  took  her  in  my  arms  and  carried  her  all  the  way  down  stairs 
and  landed  her  safe  on  the  side  walk."  The  middle  man  says:  "  What 
nonsense!  My  mother-in-law  weighs  nearly  three  hundred  pounds. 
You  couldn't  lift  her  off  the  floor,  and  you  certainly  couldn't  carry  her 
down  from  the  third  floor  in  your  arms!  "  The  end  man  sees  that  he 
blundered,  but  is  going  to  stick  to  his  lie  and  bluff  it  out,  so  he  says: 
"I  knew  what  I  did,  I  saved  your  mother-in-law.  I  carried  her  down. 
I  was  there  when  I  did  it. ' '  Middleman  says  to  him:  ' '  You  did  nothing 
of  the  kind;  you  couldn't  lift  her  on  account  of  her  three  hundred 
pounds  in  weight.  So  how  could  you  carry  her  down  f  "  A  gleam  of 
satisfaction  shoots  over  the  end  man's  face,  as  if  he  had  just  thought  of 
a  brilliant  lie  or  excuse.  He  turns  and  says  to  me,  '  I  made  two  trips 
of  it;  I  went  up  twice  after  her!  '  He  says  this  distinctly  and  in  a  tri- 
umphant, laughing  manner,  pointing  his  finger  at  me  and  in  slang  par- 
lance '  giving  me  the  laugh.'  That,  sir,  is  how  to  successfully  relate  a 
joke. '  * 


Section  TIL 


A  VALUABLE  DICTIONARY  OF  STAGE  TERMS 
USED  BY  PROFESSIONALS. 


RUE,  t 


D.RC.        C.D.         D.L.C. 
SCENE. 


KlE< 

RC.  C.  L.C, 


AUDIENCE. 

DIAGRAM  OF  THE  STAGE. 

L.  i.  E.     Means  left  first  entrance. 
R.  i.  E.     Means  right  first  entrance. 
R.  U.  E.     Right  upper  entrance. 
L.  U.  E.     Left  upper  entrance. 
C.     Means  centre  of  stage. 
R.  C.     Right  centre  of  stage. 
L.  C.     Left  centre  of  stage. 

C.  D.     Centre  door. 

D.  R.  C.     Door  right  centre. 
D.  L.  C.     Door  left  centre. 
Door  F.     Means  door  in  flat. 

Flat.     Is  a  scene  of  any  kind,  where  canvas  is  stretched  on  frames. 
Drop.     A  scene  that  can  be  rolled  up  or  let  down  like  a  curtain. 
Tormentors.     The  first  set  of  wings  (or  drapery  painted  wings)  down 

front — acting  a  "  picture  frame  "  for  balance  of  scenery. 
Grooves.     The  upper  slots  wherein  the  flats  or  scenes  are  fitted  when 

pushed  out  upon  the  stage  or  drawn  into  entrances. 


20  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


Borders.     The  drapery  above  such  as  "  sky,"  '  wood,"  "  foliage  "  or 

"  interior"  borders,  etc. 

Backing.  Is  used  behind  op2n  doors  ;  sometimes  it  is  a  garden  scene 
which  is  seen  through  open  do<>rs,  or  a  chamber  or  any  in-door 
or  out-door  scene,  placed  beyond  an  open  door  arch,  or  other 

scenic  opening. 
Mask  in.     Means  to  conceal  the  article  or  screen  from  view  by   other 

bits   of   scenery,    such  as  using   a  wing,  or   a   door,    curtains, 

tree,  or  screen,  to  hide  the  principal  object  until  it   is   revealed 
in  the  course  of  the  play. 
Closed  in.     Means  that  the  scene  is  closed  by  lowering  a  "drop," 

or  moving  on  ' '  flats  ' '  to  thus  end  the  farce  or  burlesque. 
Set  in  One.     Means  scenes  in  the  first  grooves,  down  near  foot -lights. 

These  "  Scenes  in  One  "  are  generally  used  when  the  stage  is 

being  set  for  another  scene. 
Set  Cottage.      Means  a  practical  house,    cottage   or   other   habitation 

placed  at  an  entrance  and  braced  to  keep  it  in  position. 
Set  Waters.     These  a  e  pointed  waves  or  "  water  ''  scenes  which   rest 

on   the    stage   and   are   used   in   sea -shore    or    marine    farces. 

Sometimes  one  or  more  rows  are  used,  when  boats  are  drawn  on 

or  between  them. 
Set  Fire-Place.     An  opening  in  the  scene  or  set  piece   to   represent  a 

chimney-place  or  a  grate  fire. 
Brace.     Is  a  long  or  short  pole  with  a  twisted  iron  at  one  end  to  hook 

into  rings  or  screw-eyes,  and  an  iron  at  the  other  end  to  enable 

it  to  be  secured  to  the  stage.     They  are  used  to  hold  up  scenes 

and  set  pieces,  to  "  brace  "  a  cottage,  a  wall,  a  fence,  "waters," 

trees  or  any  stage  objects. 
Battens.     Narrow  strips  of  wood  to  which  drops  are  tacked  either  top 

or  bottom.     This  enables  them  to  be  pulled  up  by  ropes,  or  se- 
cured to  the  stage  by  screw-eyes. 
Props.     Means  all  articles  used  in   the   farce,    burlesque   or   comedy, 

such  as  :     Bread,  knives   pistols,  clubs,  clock,  table,  chairs,  etc. 
Stage  Screw-Eyes.     Iron  screws  with  rings.     These  are  screwed  into 

the  stage  by  hand  to  hold  objects  or  braces. 
Grass  Mats.     These  mats  are  simply  ordinary  cocoa  mats  dyed  green. 

to  imitate  grass  or  shrubbery.    They  are  invaluable  to  the  stage 

manager  to  place  about  tubs  of  plants  or  for  "Lawn"  effects  in 

out-door  scenes. 

Foot  Lights.     Lights  at  the  edge  of  the  stage. 
Border  Lights.     Lights  swung  above  ;  across  the   stage   to   illuminate 

the  top  of  scene. 

Up  Lights.     Means  to  raise  the  lights. 
Lights  Half  Down.     Means  to  lower  them  to   have   a   half   darkened 

scene. 
Business.     Anything  done  upon  the  stage  while  speaking  or  acting. 

"  To  remove  a  coat,"  "  move  a  table,"  "shoot  a  pistol,"  * 'seize 


THE  WITH  ARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  21 


and  pummel  any  one,"  "  hiding  behind  a  screen  and  peeping 
over,''  "  showing  fright,  joy,  surprise,  anger,"  all  corne  under 
the  head  of  "  business  '  This  is  one  of  the  things  hardest  to 
explain  properly,  illustrate  or  teach  the  young  beginner.  He 
or  she  must  closely  follow  the  directions  of  the  stage  manager 
during  his  arduous  labor  to  convev  his  meaning,  etc.,  to  his 
company.  In  holding  a  play  book  to  rehearse,  remember  that 
you  are  always  facing  the  audience. 

Bus.     Abbreviation  for  "business." 

Straight  Business.  This  is  a  part  wherein  the  genteel  character 
"  feeds  "  the  comedy,  and  it  is  generally  the  educated  man  en- 
lightening the  ignorant  intruder  or  companion  in  the  sketch  or 
farce.  The  genteel  character  is  also  known  as  the  "Walking 
Gentleman  "  of  the  dramatic  siage. 

Ginger.     To  perform  in  a  lively  manner. 

Patter.  The  "  talk  "  or  "  chatter  '  used  in  a  monologue,  or  between 
verses  of  songs  The  '*  patter  "  is  generally  applied  to  all  des- 
criptive dialogue  used  by  Raconteurs  (story-tellers). 

Feeding.  This  is  where  a  character  talks  with  the  express  purpose  oi 
having  the  comedian  reply  in  a  humorous  manner,  or  to  lead  up 
in  dialogue  to  the  "  points  '  in  his  speeches. 

Points.  The  emphatic  part  of  a  speech,  pun  or  retort  wherein  the 
laugh  is  expected  from  the  force  of  the  remark,  or  its  explana- 
tion. This  is  also  frequently  the  ending  of  a  joke  or  recitation 
where  the  full  force  of  the  story  culminates. 

Cross-fire.  A  running  ' '  Talk  ' '  between  the  two  End  Men  or  Special- 
ists, in  which  they  indulge  in  repartee — questions,  short  squibs, 
satire,  sarcasm  and  jokes — at  each  other's  or  the  middleman's 
expense. 

Climax.  The  grand  ending  or  conclusion  of  a  speech  or  piece  of  busi- 
ness. It  is  frequently  applied  to  a  forcible  situation  in  a 
drama  comedy,  or  burlesque. 

Ad.  lib.     Abbreviation  for  ad  libitum.     At  discretion. 

Exit.     Means  to  leave  the  stage.     An  outlet  from  the  stage. 

Exeunt.     All  exit. 

Enter.  Means  to  come  on  the  stage  from  some  entrance  described  in 
the  play-book,  Right  or  Left. 

Omnes.     Means  everybody — all  the  characters. 

Cross.  Means  to  cross  the  stage,  but  be  careful  not  to  do  so  in  front 
of  any  one  unless  the  * '  business  ' '  is  arranged  by  the  stage 
manager,  as  it  is  considered  one  of  the  worst  breaches  of 
stage  etiquette. 

Aside.  In  dialogue,  means  that  portion  not  to  be  overheard  by  the 
performer  who  is  being  addressed,  or,  rather,  a  bit  of  dialogue 
intended  for  the  audience,  such  as:  "  Now  for  the  borrowing 
of  the  money,"  or,  "  He  doesn't  recognize  me,"  "  Well,  I'll 
get  out  of  this." 


THE   WlTMARK   MlNSTREL   GUIDE. 


Aloud.  Resuming  dialogue  in  the  natural  voice  and  addressing  those 
on  the  stage. 

sCue.  Is  the  important  ending  of  a  speech  where  the  next  person  to 
whom  this  "  cue  "  is  given — will  speak  his  or  her  lines.  It  gen- 
erally consists  of  a  few  words  written  thusly: shall  go 

home,  and  this  is  a  "  cue  '  to  the  one  having  the  words  in  the 
part  or  book.  Cues  for  "  busim-fs  or ''music"  are  given  in 
a  similar  manner.  Everything  is  do::e  upon  the  stage  by  cues, 
and  particular  attention  must  be  raid  to  them. 

discovered.  Means  that  a  person  or  article  is  on  the  stage  when  the 
curtain  is  raised  or  when  flats  are  drawn. 

Tag.  The  closing  words  uttered  by  a  character  or  characters  in  any 
musical  or  dramatic  performance. 

Encore.  To  repeat  by  demand  of  an  audience  the  song,  speech,  or 
recitation  just  given. 

Under  dress.  Means  to  have  a  costume  for  male  or  female  beneath  the 
one  in  view.  This  is  done  to  save  time  and  to  hurriedly  change 
costume  when  the  part  calls  for  it.  Often  several  "under 
dresses"  are  necessary. 

First  Part.  Is  the  initial  portion  of  a  minstrel  entertainment  where 
the  circle  is  formed  with  singers,  comedians,  orchestra  and 
middleman.  It  generally  concludes  with  a  musical  comedy  or 
burlesque  called  a  "  Finale." 

Finale.  Means  the  ending  number  of  the  First  Part  of  a  minstrel  per- 
formance. Under  this  caption  local  or  musical  burlesques  are 
introduced. 

Olio.  This  is  the  portion  following  the  first  part  or  minstrel  circle. 
Under  the  title  of  "  Olio,"  all  the  specialties,  sketches,  dances, 
monologues,  solos,  etc. ,  are  grouped,  and  it  marks  the  division 
of  the  entertainment  in  a  vaudeville  or  minstrel  performance. 

After-Piece.  The  concluding  numbers  of  a  programme  and  generally 
a  pretentious  burlesque  introducing  nearly  all  the  company. 
(See  Sec.  VIII.) 

Jnterlocutor.     Another  name  for  the  middle  man. 


THE  WITM  \.RK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


HOW  TO  PRODUCE  STAGE  EFFECTS. 

•i 

COLORED   FIRES,    THUNDER,    LIGHTNING,    CRASHES,    HORSE,  WIND 

AND   RAIN. 

ALL  the  above  effects  may  be  used  in  a  minstrel  performance,  as 
the  Burlesques  frequently  call  fqr  them.     Therefore,  the  young 
amateur  and  stage  manager  should  become  familiar  with  each 
and   every    "effect"    needed.     Colored  fires  are  used  for  Tableaux. 
Battle  Scenes,  "  House  on  Fire"  and  Patriotic  or  Allegorical  Illumi- 
nations.    They   are   made  of  the  following  ingredients,  and  can  be 
manufactured  by  the  young  amateur  or  purchased  from  "Fire  Works'* 
stores.*    The  materials  needed  can  also  be  had  and  compounded  at  any 
drug  store. 

RED  FIRE. 

Strontia, 8  ounces 

Potash, .  *     4  ounces 

Shellac 2  ounces 

Lycopodium t %  ounce- 

BLUE  FIRE. 

Nitre, .8  ounces 

Sulphur, 3  ounces . 

Charcoal, •         •         }4  ounce 

Antimony, I  ounce 

GREEN  FIRE. 

Nitrate  of  Barytes, 62^  parts 

Sulphur "..  .       io)4  parts 

Potash .      23^  parts 

Orpiment,          .         .         ....         .         .         .         .  '    ...  .         i}4  parts 

Charcoal,           ...         .                 .         .                 ...  i}4  parts 

These  fires  are  burned  on  an  ordinary  coal  shovel  or  pan,  and  can 
be  ignited  by  a  quick  match,  or  cotton  cord  soaked  in  oil,  if  a  quick 
match  cannot  be  obtained.  Hold  the  pan  over  the  head  as  the  fire  is 
burning;  this  will  illumine  the  surroundings  much  better. 

RAIN. 

To  imitate  rain,  place  a  lot  of  dried  peas  or  almond  shells  in  a  long- 
box,  so  you  can  tip  it  up  and  down  like  a  see-saw.  In  the  bottom  of 
the  box  nail  bits  of  wood  as  obstructions.  The  peas  or  shells  falling 
over  these  produce  the  sound  of  rain.  You  can  place  this  box  in  a 
hanging  position  and  work  it  up  and  down  with  ropes.  Dried  peas 
shaken  on  the  head  of  a  bass  drum  will  also  give  the  desired  effect. 

WIND. 

Bits  of  old  silk  drawn  over  the  edges  of  the  bass  drum,  or  a  board, 
will  make  a  whistling  sound.  This  effect  is  not  used  very  much  in, 
minstrels)*. 

*  See  directory  at  back  of  cover.  >.' 


THE  WlTMAKK  MlNSTRKL  GUIDE. 


THUNDER. 


Suspend 
iron    from 


long   piece 


flies 


in 


of   sheet 
first  en- 


trance, and  shake  it  vigorously. 
This  will  make  a  good  substitute 
for  thunder.  Pounding  on  a  bass 
drum  will  also  give  the  booming 
sound  of  thunder  or  firing  of 
cannon. 

LIGHTNING. 

Lightning  is  furnished  by  ly- 
copodium.    It  can  be  purchased 

at  any  drug  store.  Put  the  lyco- 
podium into  a  small  box,  in  the 

top  of  which    many  small  holes 

have  been    made  like  that  of  a 

pepper  box.   In  the  centre  of  this 

box   is  soldered  a  small   cup  or 

receptable,    into     which    cotton 

soaked   with   alcohol   is   placed. 

This  is  secured  by  a  bit  of  wire 

to  keep  it  from  falling  out  when 

this  box  is  moved  to  and  fro.   At 

the  bottom  of  this  tin  box  is 
another  tin  sock- 
et, into  which  is 

placed  a  piece  of  wood  or  part  of  broom  stick  to  serve 
as  a  handle  A  small  opening  can  be  made  in  the  side 
of  the  box  to  pour  in  the  lycopodium,  and  then  cork 
it  up.  Here  is  the  illustration  of  what  is  called  a 
"flash  "  torch  with  which  lightning  is  made  : 


THUNDER     F.FFKCT. 


-D 


LIOHTNINO  TORCH. 


A. — Perforated  top  and  socket  holding   the 
alcohol- soaked  cotton. 

B. — Bowl  or  box  to  hold  lycopcdinm. 
C. — Socket  to  hold  the  wooden  handle. 
D.—  Handle. 
E. — Tube  to  pour  in  the  lycopodium. 

Strike  forward  with  this  torch  and  "lightning" 
will  follow. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


GLASS  CRASH. 

Get  a  pail  filled  with  broken  bottles,  glass,  old  crockery,  etc. 
Empty  this  into  another  pail  by  elevating  the  pail  of  crockery  quite 
high  and  spilling  it  into  the  empty  one,  and  vice  versa,  as  length  of 
crash  is  required. 


WOOD  CRASH. 


WOOD  CRASH. 

Numerous  bits  of  old  lumber  thrown 
violently  down  will  produce  a  ' '  wood 
crash."  Sometimes  it  is  constructed  like  a 
large  "rattle"  and  turned  by  a  crank. 
This  is  arranged  on  an  upright  or  a  frame, 
and  is  very  effective  in  imitating  a  terrific 
crashing  or  the  fall  of  some  one.  See  cut. 


RAILROAD  EFFECT. 


Take  a  piece  of  sheet-iron  and  place  it  upon  a  small  table  or  box, 
then  beat  upon  it  with  two  ''whips"  of  wires  fashioned  like  egg-beaters. 
Beat  a  tattoo  upon  the  sheet-iron  and  by  a  little  practice  you  can  easily 
imitate  a  train  at  full  speed  or  slowing  up.  The  ' '  whistle  ' '  can  be 
made  by  an  ' '  organ  pipe  "  or  by  the  voice. 


HORSE   EFFECTS. 

The  clattering  of  hoofs,  announcing  the 
rapid  approach  of  a  horse,  is  a  very  effective 
trick,  and  by  a  little  practice  can  be  done  in  a 
manner  to  imitate  a  horse  galloping  in  the  dis- 
tance and  drawing  nearer  and  nearer,  or  vice  versa. 

A  small  oaken  or  maple  board  about  a  foot 
and  a  half  long  and  a  toot  wide,  suspended  in 
front  of  the  person  by  a  strap,  will  serve  as  the 
11  table."  Upon  this  you  beat  with  two  round  or 
oblong  pieces  of  maple,  to  which  are  attached 
little  straps,  for  the  purpose  of  giving  the  hands 
a  secure  hold  upon  them.  With  little  practice 
this  effect  can  be  readily  accomplished. 


HORSE  EFFECTS. 


26  j  THE    WlTMARK.    MINSTREL    GUIDE. 


A  LIST  OF  STAGE  DON'TS. 

A    GOOD  IDEA    FOR  THE  STAGE   MANAGER    IS   TO    HAVE   THIS   READ  TO 

THE   COMPANY   OCCASIONALLY  ;    MORE    FREQUENTLY   WHEN 

NEARING  THE    PERFORMANCE. 

Don't  cross  your  legs  in  the  "  first  part." 

Don't  make  visible  efforts  to  recognize  your  friends  out  front.  Re- 
member that  it  spoils  the  picture. 

Don 7  fail  to  watch  the  musical  director  in  all  chorus  work. 

Don't  speak  to  your  neighbor  while  sitting  in  the  first  part  unless  it  is 
absolutely  necessary. 

Don't  keep  the  stage  waiting  ;    rather   be  at  the    theatre   or   hall   an 

hour  earlier  than  a  minute  late. 
Don't  sit  forlorn  looking  or  with  a  bored  expression  upon  your  face. 

Look   pleasant  and  enjoy  what  is  being  said  and  done  without 

being  too  demonstrative. 
Don't  be   eager   to   suggest   or   try   to    teach    the   stage   manager  his 

business. 
Don't  think  you  are  the  whole  show.     There  may  be  twenty  others  in 

the  same  circle. 
Don't  grumble,  because  you  haven't  the  best  parts.     Remember  that 

while  everybody  cannot  play   "first  violin"    in  the  orchestra, 

everybody  is  important  in  a  minstrel  show. 

Don't  look  slovenly  or  careless  in  your  attire.     Very  Important. 
Don't  pull  out  your  watch  (if  you  have  one)   to  note  the  length  of 

time.     That  will  be  regulated  by  the  stage  manager. 
Don't  interfere  in  any  way   with  the  rehearsals,  if  a  bright  thought 

strikes  you;  wait  and  suggest  it  later  on. 
Don' t  turn  around  and  giggle  if  anybody  makes  a  mistake  or  a  string 

breaks  on  an  instrument.     You  wouldn't  like  to  be  laughed  at 

in  public,  would  you  ? 
Don't  have  any  friends   or  outsiders   present   at    a   rehearsal.     This 

should  be  strictly  enforced. 
Don't  pass  remarks  about  any  thing  in  the  course  of  rehearsals  or 

when  a  person  is  striving  to  learn  a  part.     Remember,  we  can't 

all  be  as  smart  as  you  are  ? 

Don' t  smoke,  Gentlemen,  on   any  part  of  the  stage. 
Don't  leave  the  stage  unless  it  is  your  duty  or  necessary  to  do  so. 
Don't  expectorate  upon  the  stage,  -Gentlemen.     During  performance 

>      carry  'kerchiefs  for  that  purpose,  and  lastly  ; 
Don't  monopolize  all  the  hooks,  nails  and  space  in  the  dressing  rooms. 


Section  TU* 


NOVEL  INNOVATIONS  IN  FIRST 
PARTS. 

THERE  are  a  number  of  ideas  advanced  in  this 
book  that  have  never  been  published  nor  pro- 
duced elsewhere.  At  considerable  expense, 
thought  and  many  months  of  labor,  these  brilliant 
first  parts  are  arranged  in  this  work  and  given  to 
the  amateur  minstrel  for  the  first  time  in  the  his- 
tory of  stnge  publications.  In  connection  with 
these  first  parts  we  present  illustrations  that  will 
aid  those  desiring  to  take  advantage  of  these  nov- 
elties in  arranging  their  pictures,  costumes  scen- 
ery and  general  grouping  of  each  innovation, 
remembering,  however,  that  these  are  only  sug- 
gestions and  need  not  be  strictly  adhered  to,  as 
there  are  unlimited  possibilities  to  elaborate  upon. 
Another  very  important  item  is  the  sample  pro- 
gramme which  accompanies  each  First  Part  of  this 
book,  suggesting  the  songs,  (which  can  be  had  of 
the  publishers) ,  olio  specialties  and  after-pieces  of 
the  evening's  entertainment.  The  first  we  offer 
is  entitled  "  Our  Navy." 


THE  WITH  ARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  29 

PICTORIAL  FIRST  PARTS. 

"OUR  NAVY."— FIRST  PART. 

(See  Illustration.) 

Scene  represents  the  deck  of  one  of  Uncle  Sam's  Cruisers  or  Battle-ships.  Horizon  at  back. 
The  wings  are  painted  to  represent  the  rigging  leading  up  to  a  mast  and  a  part  of  the  bulwarks  of 
the  vessel.  Th-<  officers,  gunners  and  crew  form  the  circle  of  the  "  First  Part,"  which  can  be 
seated  upon  platforms  as  used  for  interior  scenes.  The  middleman  is  the  "Admiral,"  the 
singers  are  the  officers,  the  endmen  are  "  rapid-fire  "  gunners.  All  are  dressed  according  to  uni- 
forms worn  in  the  United  States  Navy. 

NOTE.— This  first  effective  in  either  white  or  black  face. 


PIvAN   OF   FIRST  PART. 

oooooooo 

Orchestra  o  Leader. 

Men  Behind  the  Guns. 

000000000 

Admiral. 

Bass.        Baritone.  (  Mr.  Dewey^Shootwell.)    2d  Tenor.        1st  Tenor. 
Officers,    o  o  o  o    Officers. 

Extra  Singers.        ooo  ooo        Extra  Singers. 

"  Rapid-Fire "  Gunners.    O    o  o    o     "  Rapid- Fire "  Gunners. 

OPENING  CHORUS— " The  Witmark  Minstrel  Overture,"  ....  "OUR  NAVY"  MINSTRELS 

SYNOPSIS. — 1.  Curtain  Raiser.  2.  Introductory,  Bones  and  Tambos.  3.  Opening 
Ensemble.  4.  "Anvil  Chorus"  (Trovatore).  5.  Waltz  Song,  "Mary."  6.  Drink- 
ing Song.  7.  "My  Dainty  Cigarette."  8.  Sleighing  Chorus.  9.  Whistling  and 
Humming  Interlude.  10.  Coon  Refrain.  11.  Finale. 

Sea  Song— "Bounding," Mr.  R.  U.  Warbling 

Neat  End  Specialty— '  Willie  off  the  Yacht, " Gunner  Smith 

Bass  Song — "Deep,  Down  Deep," Mr.  Campanari  Roberts 

Coon  Song — "  Mandy  from  Mandalay," Ragtime  Gumper 

Waltz  Song— "Sweet,  Sweet  Love," Mr.  Vocal  Chords 

Comic  Novelty — "  She  Knew  a  Lobster  When  She  Saw  One," Gunner  Rigging 

Ballad — "  In  Fancy  You  Are  Ever  By  My  Side," Mr.  Retrospect 

Drinking  Song— "We'll  Drown  It  in  the  Bowl," Rear-Admiral  Ofomnies 

Song  and  Refrain— "  Where  is  My  Boy  To-Night  ?" Mr.  Bowsprit 

Negro  Shout — "Ram-a-Jam," Gunner  Boozy 

The  Intensely  Amusing  Finale,   "THE  WONDERFUL  TELEPHONE,"  or  a  Long  Distance 
Experiment,  by  Admiral  Shootwell,  Gunner  Jenkins  and  Gunner  Smokeless. 

PART  IL 

OLLA  PODRIDA  OF  NOVELTIES.— The  Celebrated  Musical  Experts, 

PLINK  and  PLUNK, 

In  their  laughable  interlude,  called  "The  Musical  Convicts,"   playing  on  many   known    and 
unknown  instruments,  depicting  the  pleasant  life  of  jail  birds,  if  "  Harmony  prevails." 

DECK  ORATION.— BOATSWAIN  WINDY  GUFF, 

Reviewing  the  exploits  of  heroes,  past  and  present  (Section  VII.),  also  the  fads  and  follies  of 

the  times. 

"THE  MEN  BEHIND  THE  GUNS."— MESSRS.  SHELL  and  DYNAMITE. 

In  a  laughable  melange  of  up-to-date  happenings,  wise  and  otherwise.     (Can  be  made  up  of 
matter  contained  in  Sections  VI.  and  VII. ). 

PICTURE  SONGS. 

Beautiful  Views  Illustrating  the  Popular  Ballads,  "A  Letter  from  Ohio,"  "Gold  Cannot  Buy  a 

Love  Like  Mine,"  etc.,  sung  and  introduced  by  MR.  R.  U.  WARBLING. 

(For  list  of  Illustrated  Songs  and  particulars,  see  Directory.) 

Concluding  with  the  Laughable  Burlesque, 

"A  PLEASANT  EVENING." 

(See  Section  IX.) 

Another  good  terminating  burlesque  would  be  "  THE  LOBSTERSCOPE."      (See  Section  X.) 


WlTMARK    MlNSTREX   GUIDE. 


3° 


THE   WlTMARK   MlNSTREl,    GUIDE.  31 

"THE    LAWN   PARTY." 


Scene  represents  a  garden  brilliantly  illuminated.  (.See  illustration.)  Part  of  a  mansion  I,. 
U.  E.  can  be  shown.  Place  a  number  of  shrubs,  plants,  etc.,  in  tubs  about  the  stage,  and  here 
and  there  some  grass  mats.  Use  camp  chairs  for  vocalists,  rustic  chair  for  middle  man,  wooden 
chairs  for  the  endmen,  who  are  supposed  to  be  the  waiters  or  household  servants.  In  this  circle 
can  be  placed  several  ladies  in  order  to  get  the  chorus  effect  of  mixed  voices.  The  costumes  can 
be  handsome  golf  or  bicycle  dresses,  with  here  and  there  an  outdoor  costume  of  colors.  The 
endmen  can  dress  in  the  regulation  evening  dress  suits  The  Telephone  Finale  or  the  Shadow 
Pantomime  can  be  introduced  to  bring  the  First  Part  to  a  climax.  If  you  select  the  Shadow  Pan- 
tomime, use  a  front  scene  in  order  to  get  your  "  sheet ''  and  lights  ready.  Here  the  vocal  corps 
will  render  selections  in  the  front  scene  in  order  to  prepare  the  pantomime. 

Extra  Singers  on  the 
The  Guests.  o  Porch  or  Veranda. 

o  The  Host.  o 

00  O  O 

Singers.  Middleman.  The  Guests.  o 

o  o  o  o 

00  O 

Singers. 
o 

Bones.— Attendants.  o     Waiters.— Tambos. 

o  o 

o  o 

o  o 


PROGRAMME.— PART  L 


OPENING  CHORUS— "The  Witmark  Minstrel  Overture," LAWN  PARTY  MINSTRELS 

SYNOPSIS.— 1.  Curtain  Raiser.  2.  Introductory,  Bones  and  Tambos.  3.  Opening 
Ensemble.  4.  "Anvil  Chorus,"  (Trovatore).  5.  Waltz  Song,  "Mary."  6.  Drinking 
Song.  7.  "My  Dainty  Cigarette."  8.  Sleighing  Chorus.  9.  Whistling  and  Humming 
Interlude.  10.  Coon  Refrain.  11.  Finale. 

Soprano  Solo—"  Don't  Ask  Me  to  Forget." Miss  High  C 

N  Coon  Song— "I'm  the  Warmest  Member  in  the  Land," Waiter  Rufus 

Song  and^Chorus— "  When  you  were  Sweet  Sixteen," Mr.  Uppertone 

End  Song— "Tell  It  to  Me," Attendant  Gam 

N   Harmonized  Ensemble,  with  half  darkened  stage—"  My  Little,  'Lasses  Candy  Coon," 

Solo  by  Miss  So  and  So 

><  Dialect  Shout— "I  Love  Ma  Little  Honey," Waiter  Ephraim 

Dashing  March  Song— "Miss  Divinity," '   •   ' Miss  Flighty 

Baritone  Solo— "Because," Mr.  Voche 

Ethiopian  Novelty— "  You  Got  to  Play  Rag  Time." Attendant  Jim 

Ballad— "Just  as  the  Daylight  was  Breaking," Mr.  Great  Solo 

(  Misses  High  C  and  Round  Tone 
Mixed  Quartette— "  Some  Day  You  Shall  Know" |  Messrs.  Velvety  and  Smooth. 

NOTE.— Drop  sheet  after  Quartette  are  announced  and  introduced  or  when  "chord"  is  played 

by  musicians. 

Finale— "THE   WONDERFUI,   TELEPHONE." 


PART   II.—"  Mixed  Pickles/' 


Select  from  our  Monologues,  Sketches,  etc.,  for  this  Olio. 

To  terminate  the  bill  "  THE  CAKE-WALK,"  "A  PLEASANT  EVENING,"  or  "ILL  TREATED 
TROVATORE,"  will  be  found  very  effective,  as  they  can  be  played  by  ladies  or  gentlemen.  (See 
Sections  VIII.,  IX.  and  X.) 


THE    WlTMARK    MlNSTRKL   GUIDE. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTRHI*  GUIDE.  f  a 

"OUR   BOYS    IN   CAMR" 

A  MILITARY  FIRST  PART. 


Scene  represents  an  encampment  on  the  banks  of  a  river,  or  use  a  bright 
landscape.  An  effect  can  be  gained  by  not  using  the  raise'1  platforms,  thus 
showing  a  number  of  tents  painted  on  the  scene  ;  plenty  of  guns  stacked,  drums, 
campfire,  etc.,  to  give  it  a  realistic  effect.  (See  page  illustration.)  The 
Middleman  is  the  Colonel  commanding  ;  the  Staff  Officers  are  represented  by  the 
vocalists  ;  the  End  Men  are  the  Rough  Riders.  The  entire  First  Part  can  be  in 
white  face,  except  the  End  Men,  and  all  should  be  in  military  uniform. 

Orchestra. 
ooooooooooooo 


Guns  Stacked. 

Extras. 

Middleman. 

Extras.             Guns  Stackeu. 

XXX  X 

000 

0 

000                                X  X  X  X 

Officers. 

Major. 

Colonel. 

Major.                  Officers. 

00000 

o 

o 

O                            0  0  O  0  0 

Rough  Riders.  —  Bones. 

Rough  Riders.—  Tambos. 

o    o 

0     0 

PROGRAMME.— PART  L 


OVERTURE  AND  OPENING  CHORUS— "Off  to  Camp," OUR  BOYS 

N.  B. — Baton  juggling  can  be  introduced  here,  if  one  of  the  Company  is  proficient 
in  that  direction. 

^ Coon  War  Song— "  Lazy  Bill," Rastus  Hash 

\  Ballad— "  Sing  Me  a  Song  of  the  South,"   . George  Cartridge 

End  Song— "Hats  off  to  the  Boys  Who  Made  Good,"   Soup  Ferguson 

Bass  Solo— "At  the  Sound  of  the  Sunset  Gun," Spencer  Griflat 

Mock  Ballad — "A  Large  Front  Room  on  Broadway," Hava  Shot 

Descriptive  Song — "Just  as  the  Sun  Went  Down," Fast  Retreat 

Ethiopian  Medley— ' iWitmarl^Cpon_Sonrs, ' ' Pepper  and  Salt 

vSong  Novelty—"  The  Little  Tin  Soldier  Army,'' Onthe  March 

"  THE  DARKEY  CAVAI.IERS,"— Military  Finale Entire  Company 

N.  B.— Stage  Manager  can  arrange  an  appropriate  drill  for  this. 

PART  IL— "Picket  Varieties." 


Select  from  our  Monologues,  Musical  Act  or  Individual  Sketches  to  make  up 
this  Olio.     vSections  VII.,  VIII.,  IX. 

To  conclude  with  the  roaring  Military  Burlesque  entitled, 

"THE  WAR  CORRESPONDENT." 
See  cast  and  full  description  Section  IX. 


34 


THP;  WITMARK;  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  35 

'OUR  GIRL  GRADUATES." 


This  First  Part  is  arranged  for  ladies.  You  can  use  the  platforms  and  the 
diagrams  for  stage  setting  as  shown  in  the  previous  First  Parts.  (See  illustra- 
tion for  appropriate  scene. )  All  wear  the  collegian  mortar-board  hats  and  gowns. 
The  ladies  acting  as  the  "  End  Men,"  or  "Terrors"  of  the  school,  and  principal  can 
wear  the  same  in  white,  or  add  large  collars,  white  vests  and  small  dress  coats 
over  their  gowns.  The  musicians  can  wear  the  same  in  another  color;  red  would 
make  a  bright  effect.  A  very  humorous  Finale  will  be  found  in  "Girls  at 
School,"  as  it  is  arranged  for  female  minstrels,  in  this  collection.  The  Shadow 
Pantomime,  to  terminate  the  performance,  will  be  found  easy  for  lady  amateurs, 
and  especially  "funny,"  as  it  keeps  the  audience  guessing  a?  to  the  identity  of 
the  performers  seen  in  silhouette  attitudes.  For  ladies'  minstrels,  would  advise  a 
piano  in  orchestra. 

Orchestra. 


Principal. 


o 

Students.  Students. 

OOOO  OOOO 

Bones. — Terrors.  Terrors. — Tambos. 


PROGRAMME.— PART  L 

OVERTURE— "  THE  Witmark  Minstrel  Overture,"  GIRL  GRADUATE  MINSTRELS 

SYNOPSIS. — i  Curtain  Raiser.  2.  Introductory,  Bones  and  Tambos. 
3.  Opening  Ensemble.  4.  "Anvil  Chorus"  (Trovatore).  5.  Waltz 
Song,  "Mary."  6.  Drinking  Song.  7.  "  My  Dainty  Cigarette."  8. 
Sleighing  Party.  9.  Whistling  and  Humming  Interlude.  10.  Coon 
Refrain,  n.  Finale. 

Ballad — "Always," Miss  Vassar 

\  Southern  Lullaby — "  Honey  Little  Black  Boy  Dan,"      .         .         .          Miss  Wildy 

Song  and  Refrain — "Open  Your  Mouth  and  Shut  Your  Eyes, "     .       Miss  Normal 

->  End  Song—"  I  Won't  Play-Second  Fiddle  to_J^o_Yaller  Gal,"       .         Miss  Noisey 

Waltz  Song— "Only  a  Dream," Miss  Student 

Comic  March  Song'— "Cinderella, "  .  ...       Miss  Shouter 

Contralto  Solo — "Just  as  the  Tide  Went  Out,"       .  .  Miss  Lowvoice 

"*  SweJH^Qiffi^ng,  intro^  Lady." 

Misses  Picture  and  Pose 

Song- "The  Turn  of  the  Road," Miss  Solemnity 

Oriental  Novelty— "Two  Little  Japanese  Dolls,"  .         .         .        Miss  Spouter 

/  a.  Zenda  Waltz  Song,  \     Misses  Tone,  Melody 

~\b.   "Mammy,"  ....         J  and  the  Sisters  Harmony 

:  FINALE  : — 

"GIRLS   AT   SCHOOL."     See  Section  VIII. 

PART  II.—"  Examination  Day." 


Select  from  our  long  list  of  timely  Speeches,  Sketches,  Monologues,  etc.,  to 
make  up  this  Olio,  closing  with  the  Scenes  in  Shadowland,  "  FROLICS  IN  THE 
MOON,"  or  "THE  LOBSTERSCOPE."  Sec  Section  X. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  37- 

"  UNCLE  TOM'S  CABIN." 


SCENE — Represents  a  coitcm_^eld,  landscape  or  river  scene.  Orchestra  is  composed  of 
'  field  hands  "  and  seated  on'platfoi  111.  Directly  in  front  of  them  are  female  cotton  pickers  or 
'shouters."  Then  comes  the  Circle  in  which  Simon  Degree  is  the  Middleman.  The  three 
'  End  Men  "  on  each  side  are  represented  by  Topsy,  Marks  the  lawyer,  and  Aunt  Ophelia. 
To  Degree's  left  are  George  St.  Clair,  Deacon  Parr3',  The  Major  and  Eliza.  To  his  right  are 
Jncle  Tom,  Phineas  Fletcher,  Sajnbn  and  Cassie,  house  servants.  A  little  girl  to  represent 
'Eva  "  can  be  announced  and  sing  a  ballad  during  first  part  to  make  it  effective  and  introduce 
he  character. 

Orchestra. 

00000      O      00000 

Female  Cotton  Pickers. 

00000  0000 

Simon  Degree. 

o 

Uncle  Tom.       o  o      George  St.  Clair. 

Phineas  Fletcher.        o  o        Deacon  Parry. 

Sambo.            o  o            The  Major. 

Cassie.                   o  o               Eliza. 

Ophelia.             o)  (o            Ophelia. 

Marks.             o           >Ends.  Ends.W          o            Marks. 

Topsy.             o                     J  (                    o             Topsy. 

NOTE. — Would  suggest  to  give  the  names  of  the  cast  with  the  names  of  the  participants,  as 
is  done  on  a  regular  programme  of  the  dramatic  production,  viz.: 

CAST. 

(Here  substitute  real  names.) 

Uncle  Tom Ken  Johnson. 

Simon  Degree •    •    • Clias.  Hartway. 

St.  Clair Fred.  Dwight. 

George  Harris John  See. 

Eliza  Harris I. aura  King. 

The  Major Sam  Ughtfoot. 

Deacon  Parry '1  om  Jen  revs. 

Cassie . Saiah  Joyce. 

Sambo Cal.  Tompkins. 

Topsys (Bones)  Sally  Smith,   (Tanibo)  Maud  Glenn. 

Marks (Bones)  Joe  Jones,  (Taml  o)  Jack  Norman. 

Ophelias (Bones)  Clara  Brown,  (Tambo)  Caddie  Booth. 

Little  Eva Baby  Spencer 

PROGRAMME.-?  ART  L 

OPENING  CHORUS— "  The  Witmark  Minstrel  Overture,"  .    .    .  Entire  Company  and  Orchestra 
Synopsis  :  1.  Curtain  Raiser.     2.  Introductory — Bones  and   Tarn  bos     8.  Opening 
Ensemble.    4.  Anvil  Chorus  (Trovatore),     5.  Waltz  Song  ("Mary").    (J.  Drink- 
ing Song.    7.  "  My  Dainty  Cigarette."     8.  Sleighing  Chorus.     9.  Whistling  and 
Humming  Interlude.     10.  Coon  Refrain.     11.  Finale. 

V   End  Song— "Home  was  Never  Like  This," Marks  Jones 

'»  Ballad— "The  Girl  I  Left  in  Dixie  Waits  for  Me," St.  Clair 

Comic  Song— "  Miss  Cadenza  Brown," Ophelia  Booth 

Bass  Solo — "  Laugh  and  the  World  Laughs  With  You," Uncle  Tom 

S  Coon  Song — "Who  Dat  Say  Chicken  in  Dis  Crowd?" Topsy  Smith 

Introduction  of  Little  Eva. 

Song—"  My  Sunday  Dolly," Little  Eva 

Mock  Ballad— "Honest  John  Jones." Marks  Norman 

Waltz  Ballad— "  She  is  so  Good  to  the  Old  Folks," Phineas  Fletcher 

Serio-Comic Song— "Just  Supoose." "  ' Ophelia  Brown 

Song— "Paint  Me  a  Picture  of  the  Old  Fireside," Eliza  Harris 

Humorous  Ditty—"  Best  Dressed  Gal  in  Town," Topsy  Glenn 

Female  Ensemble—"  Honey  Dat  I  Lub  So  Well," Cotton  Pickers 

Finale— "  Cake- Walk  in  the  Sky," Company 

A  short  finale  can  effectively  be  made  of  the  song,  "Cake- Walk  in  the  Sky,"  by  having  the 
Tr»psys~fgit  while_the  Cotton  Pickers  are  singing,  don  paper  crowns,  pin  on  a  large  pair  of 
paper  wings  each  and  re-enter  to  refrain.  Others  can  also  participate  in  a  genera!  cake-walk. 

A  feature  can  be  made  by  the  introduction  of  two  or  four  half-dressed  pickanirameSjjyrio 
are  also  fixed  up  with  wings,  etc.  They  naturally  would  lead  the ~cake~-walk,  the  curtain  drop- 
ping as  the  walkers  exit  singing. 

PART  IL— "  Plantation  Pastimes." 

As  mentioned  in  other  programmes  selections  can  be  made  from  the  various  sections  to 
conclude  with,  either  "  THE  DARKTOWN  CAKE-WALK,"  "  WAR  CORRESPONDENT"  or  "PLEASANT 
EVENING."  ^ 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


Jhfc&s88^&£$S£%£^&^ 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  39 


CONGRESS    OF    ALL    NATIONS." 


SCENE — Handsome  interior  or  conservatory.  Representatives  of  all  nations 
are  seated  right  and  left  of  Uncle  Sam,  who  acts  as  Middleman  or  Interlocutor. 
To  Uncle  Sam's  left  will  be  seen  a  Frenchman,  Spaniard,  German,  Chinaman 
and  Kaffir.  These  are  vocalists.  The  end  men  on  the  left — an  Irishman  and  a 
Scotchman — use  tambourines.  To  Uncle  Sam's  right  are  "John  Bull  "  (English- 
man), Russian,  Turk,  Esquimaux  and  Indian — also  vocalists.  The  end  men 
(Bones)  are  a  negro  and  a  Japanese.  The  orchestra  is  seated  at  back.  Costumes 
are  shown  in  the  engraving,  and  a  huge  flag  with  Dewey's  portrait  hangs  over 
the  assemblage. 

Orchestra. 

Uncle  Sam. 

o 

Englishman,     o  o     Frenchman. 

Russian.        o  o        Spaniard. 

Turk.        o  o  German. 

Esquimaux,  o  o      Chinaman. 

Indian.  o  o        Kaffir. 

Japanese.       o)  r?,.jc  T?«HC    (°        Scotchman. 

Negro         o  Ends'  1         o      Irishman. 


PROGRAMME,— PART  L 

OPENING  ANTHEM— "God  Save  America,"         .         .          ENTIRE  CONGRESS 

Celtic  Humorosity— " The  Jack  Pot," Pat 

Serenade — "Adios  Amor,"  .....  Spanish  Representative 

Scotch  Philosophy — "The  Change  will  Do  You  Good,"          .         .         .         Sandy 
Chinese  Episode — "YungGoWap, "  .         .          .....          Jap 

Stirring  Martial  Song — "  How  a  Man  Can  Die,"      ....  John  Bull 

Bass  Song — "  Gypsy  L/ove  Song, "          ....         Russian  Representative 

Barbaric  Wooing  Ballad—"  A  Cannibal  King,"        .         .         Kaffir  Representative 
A  Parisian  Romance — "Grisette,"        ....          French  Representative 

Negro  Love  Ballad — "  I  Want  My  Hannah, "  .         .         .         .         .         Sambo 

T Any  of  the  finales  can  be  used. 

A  good  finale  to  this  first  part  would  also  be  a  medley  of  popular  and  patriotic 
songs.  (See  Directory.)  At  the  climax  all  rise  and  wave  small  American  flags. 
"Goddess  of  Liberty"  can  enter  from  L.  or  R.  with  large  flag  and  stand  C. 
Colored  fire  will  enhance  this  tableau.  All  nations  salute  as  curtain  descends. 


PART  IL— "International   Fete/' 

Appropriate  numbers  can  be  culled  from  all  the  sections  to  make  up  a  suitable 
programme  for  this  part.  A  number  of  original  tableaux  and  interpolations  can 
also  be  added.  For  a  concluding  number  either  of  the  SHADOWGRAPHS  or  "  1 1,1,' 
TREATED  TROVATORE  "  can  effectively  be  used. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


SHAKESPEARIAN  CARNIVAL." 


All  characters  assume  the  costumes  and  peculiarities  of  Shakespeare's  characters.  The 
middleman  represents  "  Falstaff."  The  singers  are  costumed  as  "Hamlet,"  "Othello,"  "Mac- 
beth," "Henry  the  Fourth,"  "Shylock,"  "Two  Gentlemen  of  Verona,"  "Richard  the  Third,"  etc. 
The  end  men  are  the  "  Dromios"  and  "King's  Jesters."  The  young  amateur  can  gain  correct 
ideas  of  these  costumes  from  the  engravings  in  the  illustrated  editions  of  Shakespeare. 

Scene  represents  the  market-place  of  an  ancient  town. 

Orchestra. 

00000000000 

Middle  man—  Falstaff. 

o 

Othello.      o  o      Richard  the  Third. 

Henry  the  Fourth.        o  o        Hamlet. 

Shylock  o  '          o  Two  Gentlemen 

Macbeth.  o  o  of  Verona. 

°    Ends-Bone,  Ends-Tambo,       ° 


CAST. 

(Here  substitute  real  names.) 
Falstaff  ...................................  Sam  Kirwin 

Othello  .............  .   .....................  Ed.  Kemble 

Shylock  ...................................  Jos.  O'Hare 

Hamlet  ...................................  Fred  Donor 

Henry  the  Fourth  ...........................  Howard  Espey 

Richard  the  Third  ..............................  Billee  Young 

Macbeth  ...................................  Jas.  Warren 

Two  Gentlemen  of  Verona  ......................  Brothers  Putnam 

Jesters—  (Bones)  Eddie  Shayne  .................  (Tambo)  Bobbie  Webb 

Dromios—  (Bones)  Charlie  Case  .................  (Tambo)  Silas  Wright 

PROGRAMME.—  PART  L 

THE  WITMARK  OVERTURE  ..............................  CIRCLE 

SYNOPSIS:  —  1,  Curtain  Raiser;  2,  Introductory  —  Bones  and  Tambos;  3,  Opening  Ensem- 
ble; 4,  Anvil  Chorus  (Trovatore);  5,  Waltz  Song,  "Mary";  6,  Drinking  Song;  7,  "My 
Dainty  Cigarette";  8,  Sleighing  Chorus;  9,  Whistling  and  Humming  Interlude;  10,  Coon 
Refrain;  11,  Finale. 

Ballad—  '  Song  of  the  Helmet,"  ..............................   Macbeth 

Comic  Ditty—  "  In  Dear  Old  London,"  ........................  Jester  Shayne 

Song—  "Since  That  Day,"  .................................  Shylock 

Humorosity  —  "  The  Touch  of  a  Woman's  Hand,"  .................  Dromio  Wright 

Duet—  "Think  Once  Again  before  We  Part,"  .....    .......   Two  Gentlemen  of  Verona 

End  Song—  '-The  Birds  They  Sang  So  Sweetly,"  ...................  Jester  Webb 

Solo  —  "  Forevermore,"  ...................................  Othello 

Ethiopian  Effusion—  "I'm  Dreaming  of  You,  Baby,"  ..................  Dromio  Case 

Finale—  The  Burlesque  Operatic  Scene, 
ILL-TREATED    TROVATORE. 

NOTE.  —  In  order  to  introduce  this  properly,  a  short  front  scene  must  be  introduced  so  as  to  set 
the  stage  after  clearing  away  the  platforms.  Have  the  sextette  of  singers  introduce  aria  from 
"  I,ucia,"  or  "  Ca  Valeria  Rusticana,"  or  a  series  of  vocal  medleys,  then  open  the  scene  to  "Ill- 
Treated  Trovatore." 

Maurice,  the  imprisoned  lover. 

Lenora. 

The  Count. 

The  Sentry. 

Servant. 

Opera-struck  ruffians  by  rest  of  Company. 

PART  IL—  Selected  Novelties. 

To  be  selected  from  the  various  sections,  as  per  previous  programmes,  or,  as  is  often  the  case, 
the  olio  can  be  given  by  outside  entertainers,  either  amateur  or  professional. 

Conclude  with  "THE  WAR  CORRESPONDENTS,"  or  any  other  after-piece,  sketch,  etc.,  that  is 
most  adaptable. 


Section  U« 

FOR  THE  LADIES. 

GREAT  care  has  been  taken  in  compiling  material  suitable  for  the 
lady  amateurs,  also  to  include  suggestions  of  great  importance 
for  them.  The  matter  of  "  blacking  up  "  is  one  of  annoyance  if 
not  properly  undertaken  by  the  novice.  It  would  be  best  for  the 
ladies  to  be  entirely  dressed  with  the  exception  of  the  waists — and 
have  some  one  person  appointed  (professional  preferred;*  to  blacken 
the  features  of  the  entire  circle.  This  will  enable  them  to  have  un- 
soiled  hands  to  complete  their  dressing.  Where  parties  prefer  to 
"  blacken  up  "  themselves,  some  valuable  suggestions  relative  to  this 
can  be  found  in  the  article  called  "  How  to  Black  Up,"  in  Section 
I.  A  very  important  item  is  the  selecting  of  material,  such  as  the 
coon  songs,  ballads,  ensembles,  jokes,  anecdotes  and  recitations.  The 
conundrums  are  especially  adapted  for  lady  amateurs,  as  they  go 
with  a  better  snap  and  vim  than  extended  stories. 

The  speeches,  monologues  and  poems  are  also  an  important  item 
for  the  comic  element  of  a  minstrel  performance,  the  monologues  and 
stump-speeches  being  especially  good  for  the  "olio."  A  choice 
collection  is  arranged  for  ladies,  who  can  use  their  own  judgment  in 
selecting  the  subjects  and  topics,  trving,  of  course,  to  present  a  variety 
that  should  be  somewhat  different  from  the  other  <l  end  men  "  use. 

This  discourse  to  the  ladies  could  be  extended  to  untold  lengths, 
but  in  doing  so  it  would  cause  repetition.  As  space  is  too  valuable  for 
this,  "  Miss  Minstrel"  is  especially  referred  to  Sections  I.,  II.  and  III., 
although  it  will  be  a  minstrel  education  for  her  to  read  every  section 
of  this  work.  Don't  overlook  the  "  Donets!  "  in  Section  III. 

The  following  has  been  carefully  compiled,  and  specially  ar- 
ranged for  the  ladies.  (As  these  gags  are  also  related  by  gentlemen, 
a  number  of  words  and  terms  used  by  them  can  be  modified  by  the 
ladies  at  their  own  discretion,  they  remembering,  however,  that  it  is 
essential  to  preserve  the  point  of  each  story. ) 

SECTION   VI. 

"  Eating  and  Drinking." 
"  War  Cries  of  our  Soldiers." 
"  Piano  Playing." 
4 'Peculiar  Wants." 


*  L,ady  interlocutors  and  stage  managers  will  find  important  instructions  for  the  middle 
man  ami  stage  manager  in  Section  III.  that  are  just  right  for  them;  allowing,  of  co-'.rs«,  for  a  few 
changes  u:id  modifications  which  they  can  readily  make  to  suit  their  own  purposes. 


THE   WlTMARK  MlNSTREl*  GUIDE.  43 

"  Letters  in  Post-office." 

"  Where  they  Ought  to  Go." 

"  Ship  is  Like  a  Woman." 

"Two  Black  Boot-blacks." 

"  How  to  Pronounce  Tomatoes." 

"Gambler's  Wife." 

"  Coincidences  of  Married  Life." 

"  Girls— Girls— Girls. " 

"  All  About  Cards." 

"  Planting  Flowers." 

"  About  Umbrellas  " 

"  Literary  Curiosities." 

"  Reciting  at  a  Party." 

SECTION  VII. 
"The  Mouse." 

"  Little  Girl's  Composition  on  Eggs." 
"  Mary's  Lamb"  (in  Boston.) 
' '  Squibs  and  Poems. ' ' 
"  Conundrums." 
"  Musical  Instruments." 
"  Maud  Muller  at  the  Matinee." 

SECTION   VIII. 

"  THE  DARKTOWN  CAKE  WALK  "  contains  a  number  of  characters 
for  ladies,  and  is  adaptable  where  ladies  and  gentlemen  both  take  part. 

' '  THE  TELEPHONE  "  can  be  performed  by  ladies,  the  two  end  men 
appearing  as  telephone  girls,  and  slight  changes  could  be  made  in  the 
dialogue,  omitting  ' '  segars  '  and  substituting  "  bonnets  "  or  '  'candy" ; 
in  fact,  represent  it  from  a  feminine  point  of  view,  still  retaining  the 
' '  Brother  in  England  ' '  idea. 

"  OUR  GIRLS  AT  SCHOOL"  is  written  expressly  for  ladies,  and  all 
characters  are  assigned  to  females. 

SECTION    IX. 

"  THE  WAR  CORRESPONDENT  "  contains  a  female  character  which 
can  be  played  by  a  lady  in  a  mixed  performance.  "A  Pleasant  Even- 
ing ' '  affords  chances  to  introduce  several  extra  ladies  at  beginning  to 
ask  for  "  rooms  "  and  be  assigned  to  them.  There  is  also  a  good  part 
for  lady  in  a  mixed  performance  of  this  skit  by  ladies  and  gentlemen. 

"  IL  TROVATORE  "  contains  a  female  part,  Lenora,  which  can  be 
played  and  sung  by  a  lady  in  a  mixed  performance. 

SECTION   X. 

"  SHADOW  PANTOMIMES."  Ladies  can  participate  in  a  mixed  per- 
formance of  these  pantomimes,  as  there  are  numerous  female  charac- 
ters in  them. 


Section  UL 


END  GAGS  AND  CROSS-FIRES. 

THE  TWO  BLACK  BOOT-BLACKS. 
(To  be  recited  without  hesitation.) 

One  day  a  black  boot-black  sat  in  the  chair  of  another  black  boot-black,  to 
have  his  boots  blacked  by  the  black  boot-black  The  black  boot-black  started  to 
black  the  black  boots  of  the  black  boot-black,  and  when  he  had  one  boot  blacked 
of  the  black  boot-black,  the  black  boot- black  who  had  his  boot  blacked  by  his 
fellow  black  boot-black  said:  "I  merely  sat  in  your  chair  for  a  joke."  This  en- 
raged the  black  boot-black  who  had  blacked  the  one  boot  of  the  black  boot-black; 
and  a  few  words  passed  between  them.  The  black  boot-black,  who  had  his  black 
boot  blacked  by  the  black  boot-black,  booted  the  black  boot-black,  with  the  very 
boot  the  black  boot-black  had  blacked.  The  other  black  boot-black  then  blacked 
the  black  boot-black's  eye  and  the  black  boot-black,  who  had  his  black  boots 
blacked  by  the  other  black  boot-black,  just  looked  black,  and  this  is  the  blackest 
lie  that  ever  happened. 

PECULIAR  WANTS. 

END— Have  you  seen  our  new  paper?  It's  called  the  "Weekly  Scandalizer. " 
In  politics,  "  we're  on  the  fence. "  You  ought  to  see  the  advertisements  in  the 
want  column.  No  other  city  on  earth  would  want  such  crazy  things. 

M  D  >i,K-  Let  me  hear  some  of  your  wants. 

Ex  i> — (Opens  paper  and  reads.) 

Wanted — 

A  barber  to  shave  iheface  of  the  earth. 

A  bed  for  a  tick  of  a  clock. 

A  timekeeper  for  a  mill  race. 

A  sure  cure  for  &  pig's  stye. 

A  carpenter  to  put  a  roof  on  a  ivater  shed. 

A  charter  for  a  snoiv  bank. 

Agents  to  handle  the  spice  of  life . 

Some  one  to  spin  a  mountain  top. 

A  tonsorial  artist  to  shampoo  the  head  of  a  river. 

A  detective  to  unravel  a  grass  plot. 

A  doctor  to  cure  a  windoiv pain. 

An  audience  to  see  a  horse  fly 

A  nurse  maid  to  rock  the  cradle  of  the  deep. 

A  key  to  afire  lock. 

A  comb  for  a  tow  head. 

A  singer  who  can  reach  the  high  seas. 

A  man  to  find  traces  of  a  lost  harness. 

A  lawyer  to  try  a  watch  case. 

A  tailor  to  take  the  measure  of  a  suit  for  libel. 

A  sign  language  for  a  dumb  waiter. 

Some  use  for  a  dog's  pants 

A  pair  of  handcuffs  for  procrastination,  the  thief  of  time. 

A  hand  to  go  with  an  ami  of  the  sea. 

A  necklace  for  a  neck  of  land. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  45 


Some  buttons  for  a  coat  of  paint. 
A  pump  for  a  well  spring  of  information. 
A  commander  to  take  charge  of  a  courtship. 
A  machine  to  thrash  wild  oats. 

A  harness-maker  to  build  a  harness  for  a  night  mare. 
A  thousand  skippers  to  take  charge  of  a  head  of  cheese. 

And  wanted,  "A  girl  to  cook,"  oh  !  the  cannibals.  But  here's  the  daisy: 
"  Two  old  maids  want  washing."  Turn  the  hose  on  them,  quick  ! 

ABOUT   OUR   FIREMEN. 

END — Our  firemen  are  great  fellows  and  are  not  afraid  of  anything,  are  they? 
They're  not  afraid  of  being  "  roasted." 

MIDDLE — No,  sir  ;  where  danger  is  thickest  you'll  find  the  noble  firemen. 

END— Too  bad  about  Bill  Gluckerson,  wasn't  it?  He  was  a  fireman  and  was 
in  that  boiler  explosion.  He  was  scalded  to  death.  I  wrote  his  epitaph. 

MID— You  did  ?     What  was  it  ? 

END — I  put  on  his  monument,  "  To  our  ''steamed  friend  /"  Then  there  was 
Tom  Ladders;  he  was  a  fireman,  and  when  he  died  I  wrote  an  epitaph  for  his 
monument.  I  put  on  it,  "  Gone  to  his  last  fire."  That  was  quite  a  severe  fire  we 
had  three  weeks  ago,  wasn't  it  ?  A  musician  who  lived  next  door  to  us  lost  his 
violin  in  the  fire. 

MID— Did  he? 

END — Yes  ;  none  of  the  firemen  could  play  on  it J  Girls  love  a  fireman,  don't 
they? 

MID — I  dare  say  they  do,  for  their  bravery. 

END — Yes,  indeed,  they  can  spark  most  any  girl  !  Do  you  remember  Mollie 
Cinders  ? 

MID — Yes. 

END — She's  an  old  flame  of  mine. 

MID — You  don't  say  so. 

END — Yes,  but  her  father  smoked  me  out.  He  actually  turned  the  hose 
on  me.  He  made  it  very  hot  for  me.  He  was  a  great  reader  of  novels.  Are  you 
familiar  with  the  popular  writers,  past  and  present  ? 

MID — Oh,  yes,  I'm  quite  a  reader  myself 

END — What  names  of  writers  would  you  use  to  express  your  opinion  on  seeing 
a  big  fire  ? 

MID — I  really  cannot  mention  them. 

END— Why  !  you'd  exclaim  "Dickens"  "  Howett "  "Burns!"  This  city 
ought  to  be  reprimanded.  Our  firemen  try  to  be  temperance  men  and  to  shun 
strong  drink,  but  this  city  will  eventually  make  drunken  Indians  of  every  fireman. 

MID — And  why  will  it? 

END — Because  the  city  furnishes  them  with  plenty  oijire  water. 

ALL  ABOUT  DOGS. 

MIDDI.K — By  the  way,  what  is  your  brother  doing  at  present  ? 

END — Oh,  he's  doing  a  corking  good  business.  He's  working  in  a  bottling 
establishment  and  he's  corking  bottles.  He  fell  in  love  with  the  crudest  girl  in 
the  city.  When  she  refused  him  and  he  said  he  couldn't  live  without  her,  she 
handed  him  the  card  of  the  undertaker  she  is  engaged  to.  Wasn't  that  mean  ? 

MID — Say,  while  I  remember  it,  you  sold  me  a  bird  dog  You  swindled  me. 
I  went  out  gunning,  took  that  bird  dog  with  me  and  he  wouldn't  touch  a  bird. 

END — I  forgot  to  tell  you,  you've  got  to  cook  the  birds  for  him. 

MID — Now,  speaking  of  dogs — 

END — How's  your  brother? 

MID — Never  mind  my  brother.  I  am  about  to  make  a  present  of  a  dot< '.o  a 
friend  of  mine,  but  don't  know  what  breed  or  style  of  dog  to  give  him. 


46  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDK. 


END — That's  easy  ;  I  can  tell  you  just  the  kind  of  dog  if  I  know  his  business. 
There  are  dogs  to  suit  all  trades.  For  instance,  a  man  who  follows  the  races  and 
gives  you  tips  ought  to  have  a  Pointer.  A  man  who  is  instructing  a  base  ball 
team,  a  '*oach  dog.  See  how  easy  it  is  ! 

MIL,  —What  kind  of  a  dog  would  you  give  a  detective? 

END— Spotted  Dog. 

MID — A  balloonist? 

END — Skye  Terrier. 

MID — A  Prohibitionist? 

END — A  Water  Spaniel. 

MID — Butcher? 

END — A  Bloodhound,  or  any  old  sausage  dog  ! 

MID — A  person  who  is  learning  to  sing  ? 

END — A  Yeller  Dog. 

MID — A  lazy  man  ? 

END — A  Setter. 

MID — Colored  people  ? 

END — Black  and  Tans.  / 

MID — Irishman  making  mistakes  ? 

END— Bull  Dog. 

MID — Young  lady  who  sits  on  her  admirer's  knees? 

END— Lap  dog. 

MID — Dudes  ? 

END — Poodles  and  puppies. 

MID — Old  colored  man  ? 

END — Coon  dog. if 

MID — Tobacco  chewers  ? 

END — Spitz. 

MID — A  dog  for  me  and  to  match  my  nose? 

END — An  ugly  Pug. 

BICYCLE  RIDERS'  ALPHABET. 

END — There's  been  all  kinds  of  alphabets,  but  up  to  the  present  time  ther 
have  ignored  Us  completely. 

MIDDLE — Us?     Whom  do  you  mean? 

END — We  bike  riders  !  I've  composed  a  bike  riders'  alphabet,  and  I'll  just 
throw  it  at  you. 

A  is  the  Amateur  learning  to  ride. 

B  is  the  Bicycle  he  gets  astride. 

C  is  the  Cropper  he  takes  with  a  thud. 

D  is  the  Ditch  where  he  lands  in  the  mud. 

E  is  the  Energy  he  does  display. 

F  is  the  Fall  he  gets  right  away. 

G  is  the  Gearing  he  talks  right  along. 

H  is  the  Help  that  he  needs  to  "get  on." 

I  is  the  Injury  he  will  receive. 

J  is  for  Junkman-  who  laughs  in  his  sleeve. 

K  is  for  Kicking  he  does  with  his  might. 

L  is  the  Lamp  he  forgot  to  light. 

M  is  for  Mash.     Can  I  by  you  ride? 

N  is  for  Nit  that  she  quickly  replied. 

O  is  for  Owe  that  you  owe  on  your  bike. 

P  is  for  Puncture.     Walk  home  on  the  pike. 

Q  is  for  Question.     How  did  you  do  it  ? 

R  is  Remark  of  the  friend  that  "he  knew  it." 

S  is  for  Scorcher  you  thought  to  admire. 

T  is  the  Tack  that  "busted  "  your  tire. 

U  is  for  '''Uncertainty''1  on  all  thoroughfares. 


THE    WlTMARK    MlNSTREX   GUIDE.  4/ 


V  is  the  "  F"  that  you  pay  for  repairs. 

"W  is  the  Wheel  that  you  chop  with  an  axe. 

X  is  the  "Xtra  "  blow  when  dealing  the  whacks. 

Y  is  the  Youth  who  advised  you  to  "bike." 

Z  is  the  Zip  with  which  his  jaw  you  do  strike. 

Then  you  go  to  bed 

And  you  lay  like  one  dead, 

And  for  nearly  six  months 
"You've  got  wheels  in  your  head." 


ABOUT  UMBRELLAS. 

END — I  lost  a  beautiful  silk  umbrella  yesterday. 

MIDDLE — Did  you  leave  it  anywhere  ? 

END — No,  the  man  that  owned  it  came  along  and  took  it  out  of  niv  hand.  I 
hear  that  they  are  going  to  make  square  umbrellas. 

MID — Umbrellas  in  square  shape.    What  is  that  for? 

HND — So  vou  won't  leave  them  round.  Did  you  ever  notice  how  people 
carry  umbrellas?  Of  course,  you've  heard  of  the  handkerchief  flirtation.  Well, 
umbrellas  tell  the  story  of  the  people  who  carry  them. 

MID — Give  me  a  simile. 

END — For  instance,  if  you  see  a  man  with  an  umbrella,  and  he's  very  careful 
of  it,  keeps  his  eye  on  it  all  the  time  ;  that's  a  sign  he's  just  acquired  it  and  is 
afraid  of  losing  it  himself .  If  you  see  a  couple  going  along  the  street,  and  he 
carries  the  umbrella  in  such  a  way  that  she  is  thoroughly  protected  and  he  gets 
all  the  rain  down  his  neck  and  over  his  new  clothes  ;  that's  a  sign  that  they  are 
courting.  They're  in  love  ! 

MID— Yes  ?' 

END — And  if  he  carries  the  umbrella  so  she  gets  soaking  wet,  and  the  um- 
brella covers  him;  why,  they're  married. 

MID — Suppose  it  isn't  his  wife? 

END — Then  I'll  bet  ten  dollars  it's  his  mother-in-law. 


KND — My  brother  has  a  matrimonial  agency  !     Come  around  if  you  want  tc 
married.     He'll  pick  out  a  good  wife  for  you. 


GIRLS  !     GIRLS  !     GIRLS  ! 

KND — My  brother  ha: 
get 

KND — He's  got  all  kinds.  He  can  tell  you  just  what  they  are  and  how  good 
they  are  by  their  names. 

MID— By  their  names  only? 

KND — Yes,  their  characters  and  dispositions.     Kor  instance  : 

A  good  girl  to  have,  Sal  J 'at  ion.  A  disagreeable  girl,  Annie  Mosity.  A 
fighting  girl,  Ifittic  Maginn.  A  sweet  girl,  Carrie  Mel.  A  very  pleasant  girl, 
Jennie  Rosity. 

MID — How  about  a  stylish  girl? 

KND — Why,  JUht  Cant.  A  musical  girl,  Sarah  Nade.  A  lively  girl,  Annie 
Mation.  A  clear  case  of  girl,  /f.  Lucy  Date.  A  seedy  girl,  Cora  Ander.  A 
clinging  girl,  Jessie  Mine.  A  serene  girl,  Mollie  Fy. 

'MID— A  warlike  girl? 

KND—  Millie  Tarv  ! 

MID  -The  best  girl  of  all  ? 

I?ND — Your  own  girl,  of  course. 

MID— I've  got  you  ;   a  great  big  fat  girl? 

KND— ^Laughs. )     Klhi  Phanl. 


THK  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


RECITING  AT  THE  PARTY. 

BONES — Didn't  I  see  you  at  the  party  last  night  ? 

MIDDLE — I  was  very  much  in  evidence .  Did  you  hear  me  recite  and  did  you 
hear  the  applause  ? 

BONES — No  ;  I  heard  them  inquiring  after  some  overcoats  and  umbrellas. 

MID — Ah,  sir  !  I  covered  myself  with  glory. 

BONES — That's  better  than  that  old  bed-quilt  that  you've  been  wearing  so 
long.  What  did  you  recite  anyway  ? 

MID — Oh,  several  choice  morceaux . 

BONES — More  so?  You  looked  how-come  you -so  when  I  saw  you  under 
the  table. 

MID — I  recited  "  Sheridan  s  Ride,1'  and  then  that  poem  so  dear  to  the  heart 
of  the  children,  "  The  Boy  Stood  on  the  Burning  Deck."  (Rises  dramatically  and 
begins.') 

The  boy  stood  on  the  burning  deck 
Whence  all  but  him  had  fled. 

BONES — Sit  down;  you  make  me  sick.  That's  a  back  number.  Next  time  you 
recite  it,  get  up  like  this  (pises  grotesquely)  and  here's  the  up-to-date  version  of  it. 

"  The  boy  stood  in  the  farmer's  field, 

And  ate  with  great  dispatch 
Of  all  the  sturdy  vine  did  yield 

Within  that  melon  patch. 
Yes,  beautiful  and  bright  he  stood, 

With  colic  yet  unknown  ; 
Yet  soon  the  hills  and  dusky  wood 

Did  echo  back  his  groan. 
He  still  ate  on — he  would  not  go 

Without  just  one  more  bite, 
Although  he  felt  queer  pangs  below 

His  waistband  growing  tight. 
Then  came  a  groan  like  thunder  sound — 

The  boy — oh,  where  is  he? 
I/ook  there,  upon  the  torn-up  ground 

His  squirming  form  you  see. 
Into  his  bed  they  laid  him  quick, 

This  howling  colicky  lad, 
And  though  he  suffered  good  and  thick— 

He  was  walloped  by  his  dad. 

THE  GAMBLER'S  LIFE. 

MIDDLE — Do  you  know  John  Euchre  ? 

END — Do  you  mean  John  Euchre,  the  gambler  ? 

MID — Yes  ;  the  poor  fellow  died  yesterday,  and  I  want  you  to  compose  some- 
thing appropriate.  Take  your  time  about  it. 

END — I  can  give  it  to  you  right  now.  I  don't  have  to  study  it  over.  Let's 
see — John  Euchre,  gambler.  Here  you  are  :  A  gambler's  life  is  easily  explained. 
First,  he  tries  i.o  go  it  alone.  He's  a  trump  if  he's  on  the  square.  He  cuts  a  good 
deal  with  a  pack  of  friends  and  often  calls  on  everybody  to  raise  money,  princi- 
pally from  his  ante,  or  sees  his  uncle .  He's  often  at  the  clubs,  wears  diamonds 
and  plays  for  hearts.  Finally  he  lays  do  wn  his  hand  and  allows  a  spade  to  turn 
him  down  in  \hzflush  of  life.  If  he  has  been  straight  he  wins  the  game,  though 
it  may  be  his  last  shuffle.  He's  got  to  cash  in  his  chips,  for  the  bluff  is  over  and 
he's  euchred  at  last. 

THE  WAR  CRIES  OF  OUR  SOLDIERS. 

END— The  war  is  over  and  we  have  proven  that  we  are  a  great  nation.  Our 
soldiers  would  rather  fight  than  eat.  Why,  we  had  gallant  boys  of  all  trades  and 
occupations  in  the  army.  The  bona  and  sinew  of  our  land — carpenters,  bakers, 
shoemakers  and  all  mechanics — dropped  their  tools  and  forsook  their  workshops 
to  go  and  fight  for  Uncle  Sam.  You  ought  to  have  heard  how  the  different  me- 


WlTMARK  MlNSTREL  GUIDE.  49 


chanics  would  shout  a  war-cry  peculiar  to  their  occupations.  The  colonels  would 
say:  "Attention,  carpenters,"  or  "Shoemakers  to  the  front,"  or  "Forward,  bakers, 
to  the  battle. "  Then  you'd  hear  the  war  cries  of  the  different  trades,  what  they'd 
shout  as  they  went  for  the  foe. 

MIDDLE — What  would  the  carpenters  shout  ? 

END — Go  for  them  with  a  cold  chisel,  shave  'em  and  nail  'em  ! 

MID — Tailors  ? 

END — Go  and  baste  'em,  boys,  baste  'em.     Rip  'em  right  and  left. 

MID — Blacksmiths  ? 

BND — Let  them  have  it  red-hot  and  hammer  the  life  out  of  them. 

MID — Barbers? 

END — Barbers  !  Now  for  a  good  brush  and  a  close  shave,  lather  'em,  b&ys, 
lather  'em. 

MID — Lawyers  ? 

END—  Skin  'em,  skin  'em. 

MID— Bakers  ? 

END  -Dough  (Do)  'em  up  quick  and  bake  'em  to  a  crisp.     They  knead  it ! 

MID— Bill  Posters? 

END— Stick  'em  on  a  wall ! 

MID — Doctors  ? 

END — Charge  them,  charge  them\  make  'em  stick  their  tongues  out ! 

MID— ^Shoemakers  ? 

END— Welt  'em,  boys,  peg  away  at  'em.  Wax  the  life  out  of  'em.  Don't  let 
a  sole  escape. 

MID— Suppose  that  old  maids  were  in  the  army,  which  war-cry  would  suit 
them  ? 

END — Let  us  at  them  !     Let  us  at  them  before  they  escape  ! 

PLANTING  FLOWERS. 

IVND — Come  and  see  me  some  day.  I've  got  a  hot-house.  I'm  raising 
flowers,  but  I  don't  use  seed  ;  I  just  plant  any  old  thing  and  up  it  comes  in  the 
shape  of  flowers  or  weeds.  I  plant  anything. 

MIDDLE — I'll  take  you  at  your  worcl.    If  you  plant  a  calf,  what  will  spring  up  ? 

END  -A  cows-lip. 

MID — A  dancer? 

END  -  Columbine. 

MID -A  poetess? 

END— Blue  bell. 

MID — A  watch  ? 

END—  Thyme. 

MID — A  crowd  ? 

END— Why,  rushes. 

MID— A  puppy  ? 

END — Dog  rose . 

MID— Suppose  you  plant  a  bee? 

END— Honeysuckles ;  that's  easy. 

MID— A  churn  ? 

END — Butter  ^cups  A  lover — why,  heart's  ease.  Plant  a  boy,  you  get 
bachelor's  buttons.  A  girl,  ladies'  ribbons! 

MID — A  fox  ? 

END—  Why,  foxglove,  of  course. 

MID — A  baby  ? 

KND — Mignonette.  Your  toes,  capers.  A  copper  cent,  penny  royal.  A  s«a 
fish,  crab-apple. 

MID — Suppose  you  planted  me,  what  would  come  up? 

END — Drunken  sailor,  full  of  blossoms. 

MID — Suppose  you  planted  yourself,  what  would  spring  up? 

END — Daisies  ;   you  bet  I  always  throw  bouquets  at  myseJf. 


50  THE    WlTMARK    MlNSTRKI.    GUIDE. 


PIANO  PLAYING. 

— Passing  your  houee  the  other  night,  I   heard   some   one  playing 
the  piano . 

END — Oh,  yes,  we  all  play  the  piano.  We're  all  fond  of  music  at  our  house. 
I  love  music  I  could  live  on  music.  That  is,  with  a  good  dinner  in  addition. 
I  love  all  the  popular  songs  :  "  She  made  pretzels  in  Pennsyltucky, "  "  Way  down 
on  the  Swanee  For  Ever,"  "Don't  you  remember  the  Locksmith,  Ben  Bolt," 
and  "  Only  One  Girl  Making  Tea."  Oh,  I  love  music  ! 

MID — But  you've  got  the  titles  of  the  songs  badly  mixed.  You  must  be  fond 
of  harmony. 

END — Yes;  hominy  and  molasses. 

MID — Do  you  play  the  piano  well  ? 

END — I'm  just  an  ordinary  player.     A  plunketty  plunk  kind  of  a  pianist. 

MID — I  love  the  piano,  as  I  am  a  great  pianist  myself. 

END — You  don't  tell  me. 

MID — I've  been  complimented  by  the  great  Gottschalk. 

END — Oh,  you've  got  to  use  c/ial'/c  have  you?     So  you  play  billiards? 

MID — No,  no  ;  the  piano.  The  s^reat  Paderewski  came  out  of  his  way  to 
compliment  me. 

END — You  must  be  wonderful. 

MID — I  possess  a  peculiar  gift.  For  instance.  I  may  not  be  able  to  hear  a 
sound  of  the  piano,  yet,  if  I  can  see  the  fingers  of  the  player  running  over  the  key- 
board, I  can  tell  exactly  the  tune  lie  or  she  is  playing. 

END — What's  that  ?  Do  you  mean  to  say  that  if  I  had  a  piano  in  front  of  me 
and  you  couldn't  hear  a  note,  you  could  tell  which  tune  I'm  playing  ? 

MID — Yes;  if  I  can  see  your  fingers,  I.  needn't  hear  the  instrument,  be  it  imagi- 
nary or  real,  to  know  the  exact  tune  you  are  playing. 

"END — I  don't  believe  it.     I'll  wager  you  an  oyster  supper  you  can't  do  it. 

MID — What  kind  of  an  oyster  supper? 

END — Six  large  oysters  for  ten  cents. 

MID — Make  it  oysters  for  everybody. 

END — All  right;  oysters  for  everybody,  one  a  piece.  Now,  then,  you'll  tc'l 
me  what  I'm  playing. 

MID — Where's  your  piano  ? 

END — You  said  an  imaginary  piano  ! 

MID — All  right,  if  I  said  so  ;   go  ahead  and  I'll  tell  you  what  you  are  pi  ay  in  i; 

END — ( Begins  in  pantomine  an  imitation  of  fixing  piano  stool  and  fingers  ii;.- 
aginary  key  board  daintily.)  Watch  this  plunk  hand.  (Works  left  hand  rapidly 
as  if  playing.  I  There,  what  was  that  ? 

MID — That  was  very  simple.  That  is  a  sonata  in  B  flat  by  Giacomo  Botossinni. 
(End  looks  astonished  at  audience  and  circle. ) 

END — Yes,  that's  it.      Now  I'll  give  you  a  hard  one.     (Very  grotesque  move- 
ments under  the  piano,  punching  keys,  then  cross-hand  movements  until  climax. 
There  !     What  was  that  ? 

MID — I'm  so  glad  you  played  that  for  me.  It's  an  old  song  I  haven't  heard 
for  ten  years,  called  ' '  Under  the  Willows  She's  Sleeping."  (End  very  astonished, 
rolls  eyes,  gazes  around,  ad  lib.) 

END — Yes.  (Gasps.)  That's  it.  Now  I'll  give  you  some  opera.  (Very  funny 
movements,  jumping  up  and  down  in  seat.  Both  hands  far  apart  and  wind  up 
exhausted.)  What's  that? 

MID — The  easiest  thing  you've  yet  played.  That's  "  Home,  Sweet  Home," 
with  variations. 

END — (Very  astonished.)  Yes,  that's  it.  Say,  that's  a  trick.  I  can  do  it  myself. 
Bet  you  some  more  oysters.  Go  on  and  play  and  I'll  tell  you  what  you're  playing. 

MID — (Winks  to  group.)  All  right;  you'll  tell  me  what  I'm  playing,  will  you? 
Now  watch  me.  (Makes  a  dash  with  hands  and  humming  sound  with  lips.) 

END — That  piano  wants  tuning.  What  are  you  doing  ?  Twisting  pretzels? 
Got  a  fit  ? 


TI-IS  \VITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  51 


MID — ^Concludes. )     What  was  I  playing  ? 

END — That's  easy.     That's  "Home,  Sweet  Home  on  a  Vacation." 

MID— With  variations  !  (Winks.)  Yes,  that's  it.  Now  watch  me.  (Wild 
movements  and  sound  with  lips  as  of  up  and  down  scale,  cross  hands. )  Now  ! 
What  was  I  playing  ? 

END — I'm  glad  you  played  that  for  me.  It's  an  old  song  I  haven't  heard  for 
twenty  years.  "Under  the  Pillows  They're  Creeping." 

MID — You  mean  "Under  the  Willows  She's  Sleeping."  (Winks.)  You're 
right;  that's  it. 

END — I  can  tell  it  every  time.     Play  some  more. 

MID — Now  comes  the  test.  Watch  me.  (Rises,  plays  wildly  in  the  air. 
Right  and  left  like  a  maniac,  all  alarmed,  shouts  three  times  at  intervals,  and  each 
time  louder.)  What  am  I  playing  now ?  (End  is  laughing.) 

END — (After  third  time. )      You're  playing  the  fool.     Sit  dozvn  ! 

ALL   ABOUT  CARDS. 

END— When  you  are  playing  cards,  you  don't  realize  what  every  card  means, 
do  you  ? 

MIDDLE — I  did  not  know  that  cards  had  any  significance  beyond  their  merit 
in  the  game  or  their  face  value. 

END — Of  course  not ;  because  you  never  think  of  these  things.  Now,  let  me 
tell  you  about  the  cards  :  England's  best  card  is  the  Queen.  Uncle  Sam  has  just 
turned  down  a  King,  a  Spanish  one.  The  Policeman's  best  card  is  a  club.  The 
politician's  best  card  is  a  knave. 

MID — How  about  a  society  actress'  card? 

END — Diamonds  !     Have  them  stolen. 

MID — The  grave-digger's  best  card? 

END — Spades. 

MID — Lover's  best  cards  ? 

END — Hearts  ! 

MID — A  waiter's  best  card? 

END —  The  tray. 

MID— How  about  a  photographer's  best  cards? 

KND — Face  cards  of  course.  Wives  give  bad  husbands  the  deuce.  Fox  hunt- 
ers want  the  ivhole  pack.  Barbers  get  the  edges.  Dancers  get  the  shuffle. 
Rejected  lovers  get  the  cut.  Parents  of  triplets  get  three  of  a  kind.  Merchants 
get  the  deal.  Actors  get  the  play,  but  butchers  always  get  the  s/eaAs. 

MID — I'll  remember  all  that. 

END—  And  if  you  play,  get  a  chimney  sweep  and  a  cornet  player  for  partners. 

MID— Why  ? 

£ND — The  chimney  sweep  will  always  follow  soot,  and  a  cornet  player  will 
trumpet. 

THE  RIVAL  SAFE  AGENTS. 

MIDDLE — I  understand  you  went  to  the  ball  game  yesterday  afternoon.  You 
told  me  you  wanted  to  go  to  your  mother-in-law's  funeral. 

END — I  did  want  to,  but  she  isnTTTead^yet. 

MID— I  would  like  you  to  be  a  canvassing  agent  for  our  firm.  We  need  a 
bright  young  man  to  "talk  up"  our  safes,  the  best  in  the  world. 

END— Are  you  in  the  safe  business  ?  So  am  I.  There  isn't  a  safe  made  that 
can  beat  ours,  so  don't  talk  about  safes  around  here.  c, 

MID— Gentlemen,  (to  circle.)  This  young  man  is  articulating  through  his 
chapeau.  I'll  just  relate  an  incident  of  our  safes,  and  you  can  judge  of  their  merits. 
Last  Saturday  before  we  locked  the  safe  door,  a  small  dog,  unobserved,  strayed 
into  it  and  lying  down,  went  to  sleep.  We  closed  the  safe  door  and  left  the  office. 
During  the  night  a  terrific  fire  broke  out.  The  building,  as  you  remember,  was 
totally  destroyed.  For  twenty  hours  the  fire  raged  and  the  sifc  lay  ri  t':e  midst 


52  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL 


of  the  flames.  We  finally  took  it  out,  battered  and  almost  burned  up,  you  maj 
say,  and  opened  the  door.  And  what  do  you  think  ?  That  poor  little  dog  crawled 
out  of  it  alive,  gave  a  glad  bark  and  wagged  its  tail.  The  dog  was  saved  in  spite 
of  the  terrific  heat  around  and  about  him.  This  proves  that  our  safes  can  stand 
a  red-hot  condition  and  yet  its  cool  interior  will  protect  life  and  valuables.  Now, 
sir,  (to  end  man)  never  talk  about  safes  again.  Go  hide  your  diminished  head. 
(Laughs,  and  all  join  in  his  mirth.) 

END  —  Something  like  that  happened  to  us.  We  left  the  safe  door  open,  and  a 
rooster  coming  along  got  into  it,  and  the  clerk  shut  the  door  and  locked  the  com- 
bination, and  went  home.  That  night  a  tremendous  fire  broke  out.  The  flames 
roared  and  roared  for  twenty-four  hours  around  that  safe.  We  thought  it  was 
melted.  After  the  fire  we  took  it  out  red-hot.  Yes,  sir,  the  safe  was  red-hot  We 
opened  it  with  crow-bars,  and  when  the  door  was  opened,  what  do  you  think  ? 

MID  —  I  know  just  what  you  are  going  to  say  (laughs.  )  The  door  was  opened 
and  the  little  rooster  stepped  out,  flapped  his  wings  and  crowed.  (Laughs,  and 
all  join  in  the  mirth.) 

END  —  No,  sir.  There  lay  the  little  rooster  in  one  corner  of  the  safe,  frozen 
stiff. 

A  SHIP  IS  LIKE  A  WOMAN. 

END  —Did  you  know  that  I  was  one  of  the  very  first  volunteers  that  went  off 
to  Cuba  ? 

MIDDLE  —  Army  or  Navy  ? 

END  -Navy.     I  didn't  want  any  of  that  army  beef. 

MID  —  Were  you  on  a  gun-boat  or  a  man-of-war  ? 

END  —  I  was  on  a  woman  of  war  ! 

MID  —  You  mean  man-of-war. 

END  —  I  mean  woman  of  zvar.  Now,  suppose  you  saw  a  vessel  approaching, 
decorated  with  flags,  how  would  you  express  admiration  ? 

MID—  I  should  say  she  was  a  magnificent  craft. 

END  —  There  you  are.  How  can  a  she  be  a  /ie?  Therefore  it  must  be  a  woman 
of  war.  Now  a  ship  is  just  like  a  woman,  for  she  has  bows  and  a  waist.  It  takes 
a  man  to  manage  her  A  ship  is  like  a  woman,  for  it  brings  news  from  abroad. 
She  always  makes  up  to  a  pier.  She  runs  after  a  smack,  she's  ridiculous 
when  in  company  of  small  buoys.  She's  sometimes  in  company  with  a  man- 
of-zvar.  And  last  of  all,  a  woman  is  like  a  ship  because  the  rigging  costs  more 
than  the  hull. 

HOW  TO  PRONOUNCE  TOMATOES. 

END—  Say,  you're  smart.  You  know  everything,  or  rather  you  think  you  do. 
You've  always  got  your  nose  into  everybody's  affairs.  Now,  let  me  ask  you  a 
question. 

MIDDLE—  Certainly  ;  I'll  reply  if  I  can.     What  is  your  question  ? 

END—  How  do  you  pronounce  T-O-M-A-T-O-E-S  ?    (Spells.  ) 

MID  —  Why  tomatoes,  of  course. 

END  _  You  don't  know  much  about  it.  Now  I  sat  at  a  dinner  table  and  every- 
body asked  for  them  but  pronounced  it  differently.  I'll  relate  it  to  you  in  poetry, 
and  please  pay  attention  to  the  accent  on  the  word  in  dispute.  Here  she  goes  : 

Some  people  pass  you 
Mashed  potatoes, 
And  then  ask  if  you 
Like  to-ma-toes. 

And  who,  when  dining, 
Make  no  barters. 
Say  :     "Are  you  fond  of 
Raw  to-mar-ters  ?" 


THE  WITH  ARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  53 

And  some  who  dine  where 
There  some  hate  is, 
Say  :     "Oh  !  do  take  some 
Stewed  tum-mate-isS* 

And  some  who  dine  where 
There  no  lettuce  is, 
Often  ask  for : 
"More  tu-mett  uce-is  !  " 

And  some  who  no  more 
Than  a  mummy  knows, 
Pass  their  plates  for  : 
"Some  more  tummy-toes." 

Now,  you  see,  you  don't  know  much  about  tomatoes  ;  so   I  can't   expect  you  to 
ketchup.     In  the  Bowery  it's:  "Say  !    Pass  dem  Toe  Mats !  " 

WHERE  THEY  OUGHT  TO  GO. 

END — I'm  in  a  great  business  at  last.  You  know  that  everybody  wants  to  go 
to  a  watering  place,  sea  shore,  resort,  mountains  or  elsewhere,  for  recreation  or  a 
vacation.  So  I'm  the  party  that  sends  them  where  they  want  to  go.  I  pick  out 
places  for  them  according  to  who  they  are,  what  they  are  or  may  be  hereafter. 

MIDDLE — I  don't  quite  catch  your  meaning. 

END — Everybody  according  to  his  trade  or  condition  in  life  must  have  a  place 
suitable  to  it.  Don't  you  catch  on  ?  Now  ask  me  where  certain  people  ought  to 
go  and  I'll  tell  you  without  hesitating,  for  I've  made  it  a  study. 

MID — Very  well.    Where  should  poultry  dealers  spend  their  vacations  ? 

END— Egg  Harbor  !    That's  easy  ! 

MID— Bike  riders  ? 

END —  Wheeling  ! 

MID— Surgeons  ? 

END — Lansing  ! 

MID — Cowards  ? 

END — Cape  Fear !    You're  a  cinch  for  me. 

MID — People  who  bet,  but  never  win  ? 

END— Luzon  !    (Lose  on.) 

MID — Gluttons  ? 

END — Samoa  !     (Some  more.) 

MID — Dudes  ? 

END — Stilly  Islands  ! 

MID— Lovers  who  eat  almonds  on  a  wager? 

END — Philippine  Islands  ! 

MID — Those  fond  of  singing  birds  ? 

END — Canary  Islands  !    Oh  !  you  can't  get  me  off  my  perch. 

MID— Segar  smokers? 

END — Havana  ! 

MID— Thirsty  people  ? 

END— Brandy-wine  River  and  Buttermilk  Falls  ! 

MID — Colored  people? 

END-  Cooney  Island  I 

MID — School  masters? 

END— Long  Branch  I 

MID— Crying  babies? 

END — Lapland  I 

MID — Hungry  people  ? 

END — Sandwich  Islands  ! 

MID— Old  Maids  ? 

END — (Laughs.)    The  Isle  of  Man  !   And  they  can't  get  there  quick  enough  f 


54  THE    WlTMARK    MlNSTRKL    GUIDE. 


EATING  AND  DRINKING. 

END — I  was  eating  my  dinner  to-day  and  a  very  funny  idea  came  to  me.  I 
couldn't  help  but  laugh  at  it.  ( Laughs  heartily).  When  you'hear  it  you'll  laugh  to. 

MIDDLE — Well,  what  is  it? 

END — I  was  wondering  what  it  is  that  separates  the  food  from  the  liquid 
when  a  person  is  eating  and  drinking  at  the  same  time. 

MID— That's  easily  explained.  It's  very  simple,  indeed.  You  must  under- 
stand that  right  here  (pointing  to  throat)  in  the  esophagus. 

END— In  the  what  a  gus  f 

MID — Esophagus,  or  thorax  ;  the  upper  part  of  the  throat  in  which  are  two 
tubes. 

END — Two  wash  tubs  ? 

MID — (Annoyed) — Two  little  tubes  or  pipes. 

END — Oh,  I  see;  two  tubs  in  the  gas  pipes. 

MID— Two  pipes,  and  at  the  apex  of  these  pipes— 

END— Oh,  I  see,  8  pecks,  2  bushels  of  pipes. 

MID — (Earnestly  and  interested — At  the  summit,  just  where  it  enters  the 
eppiglotis,  is  a  little  valve  or  clapper  It's  action  is  automatic  Now,  when  a 
person  is  eating,  the  little  clapper  falls  over  and  closes  the  drinking  tube,  and 
when  a  person  is  drinking  the  little  clapper  falls  over  the  way  and  closes  the 
eating  pipe,  and  vice  versa.  (Shows  action  with  hands  while  describing  a  valve 
closing,  etc.) 


END— That's  simple.  Now  let  me  see  if  I  could  explain  that  to  somebody . 
Right  here  in  the  borax  are  two  gas  pipes,  with  the  apple  dumpling  on  the  eight 
pecks ,  Then  there's  a  little  clapper  full  of  rheumatics  When  the  little  clapper 
falls  over,  it  closes  the  restaurant. 

M  i  D —  ( Explains ) .     The  eating  tube. 

END — And  when  a  person  is  eating,  the  little  clapper  falls  over  and  shuts  up 
the  drinking  saloon  ! 

MID — Closes  the  drinking  pipe 

END— (Laughs,  as  with  hands,  he  imitates  the  little  clapper,  moving  R.  and 
L.  like  a  flapper  ) 

MID— What  are  you  laughing  at? 

END— I'm  laughing  at  that  little  clapper. 

MID— What  about  the  little  clapper  ? 

END — I'm  laughing  to  think  what  a  busy  time  that  little  clapper  will  have 
when  you're  eating  mush  and  milk  !  (Quick  action  of  hand  as  you  reach  climax 
of  speech  and  laughing,  i 

ALL  ABOUT  CATS. 

END — There's  something  that  puzzles  me.     Why  does  a  cat,  falling,  always 

alight  on  its  feet  ? 

MID — Now  a  cat  always  falls  upon  its  feet  because  the  claws — 

END — Now  look  here.      No  claws  in  the  constitution  about  it.     Drop  the  cat. 

How  do  you  know  it's  always  light  on.  its  feet  ? 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  55 


MID— Let  ine  explain .     Now  a  cat — 

END — Well,  whose  cat  are  you  talking  about  and  where  is  it,  in  your  yard  or  on 
the  fence  ? 

MID — I  say  when  a  cat  falls  — 

END— I'm  not  talking  about  cat  falls  or  cat  fish.  So  don't  get  your  back  up 
like  a  cat.  If  you  can't  explain  it,  just  say  so  and  don't  meow  about  it  all  night. 
(Angry)  Shut  up,  don't  talk  back  to  me.  If  you  don't  know  why  a  catwalks  easy 
along  the  fence  and  you  can't  hear  it  coming  along,  why,  say  so.  But  don't  show 
your  ignorance. 

MID— Oh,  that's  your  question,  is  it?  Well,  a  cat  walks  softly  and  unheard 
because  its  paws  are  a"  sort  of  cushion,  soft  as  velvet,  which  contract  as  the  feline 
approaches  cautiously,  and  it  treads  upon  these  cushions  of  the  paw,  especially  if 
approaching  its  prey. 

END— Oh,  bosh!     That  isn't  what  makes  it  walk  soft. 

MID— What  is  it  then  ? 

END— Rats  ! 

LETTERS  IN  THE  POST  OFFICE- 

END — I  thought  I  saw  you  out  at  the  baseball  game.  They've  got  a  new 
pitcher.  His  name  is  Dice  ;  but  they  found  Dice  hard  to  rattle, 

MID — What  is  your  brother  doing  at  present  ? 

END — Getting  rich  by  collecting  hush  money  from  every  family  in  town. 

MID — Hush  money! 

END — Yes;  he  manufactures  soothing  syrup.  All  of  our  family  are  smart. 
If  they  wanted  to  find  out  anything  they'd  come  to  us  If  anything  was  lost 
they'd"  always  come  to  our  house  to  find  "it.  We  know  everything  and  everybody. 
Did  you  know  that  everybody  resembles  a  letter  in  the  post  office?  Everybody — 
men,  women  and  children — are  letters,  especially  the  ladies. 

MID — What  kind  of  a  letter  is  a  married  lady  ? 

END — She's  a  letter  that  has  reached  its  destination. 

MID — What  kind  of  a  letter  is  a  young  lady  ? 

END — She's  a  letter  that  hasn't  been  sent  yet. 

MID — What  kind  of  letters  are  babies  ? 

END — They're  merely  little  postal  cards. 

MID— What  kind  of  a  letter  is  a  fat  lady  ? 

END— She's  overweight  and  collect  postage. 

MID — What  kind  of  a  letter  is  an  undertaker  ? 

END — He  has  charge  of  the  dead  letters  only. 

MID — What  kind  of  letters  are  old  maids  ? 

END — Letters  that  have  been  overlooked  in  the  General  Delivery. 


LITERARY  CURIOSITIES. 

CROSS-FIRE. 

BONES — I  saw  a  thing  to-day  that  proves  how  smart  women  are  when  they 
wish  to  be.  This  woman  ran  to  the  depot  and  was  just  five  minutes  late.  What 
did  she  do  ?  She  turned  around  and  grabbed  her  dress  and  caught  the  train. 

TAMBO— Have  you  heard  the  new  march — The  Baby  Coach  March  ? 

MIDDLE — No;  how  does  it  go? 

TAMBO — On  wheels  /    Say  !     Do  you  believe  in  the  present  war  tax  ? 

MID — Certainly.  The  Government  needs  the  tax.  There's  a  tax  on  every- 
thing. 

TAMBO — You're  right.  When  I  put  on  my  shoes  this  morning  I  had  to  stamp 
my  feet.  » 

BONES — You're  so  smart,  I'm  going  to  let  you  know  how  smart  I  am.  I  can 
tell  you  just  how  much  water  runs  over  Niagara  Falls  to  the  quart. 

MID — You  can  ?     Well,  how  much  water  goes  over  Niagara  Falls  to  the  quart  ? 


THK   'WlTMARK    MllsSTREIv 


BONES — Two  pints  to  the  quart — always. 

TAMBO — Say,  did  you  know  Bill  Blue  ? 

MID — I've  heard  of  him. 

TAMBO — He's  a  poet  and  don't  know  it.  You  know  Bill  Blue  is  an  engineer, 
•ut  West,  on  a  freight  train,  and  his  pet  engine  is  number  two.  One  night  he 
had  an  accident.  One  of  the  flues  in  the  boiler  of  his  pet  engine  blew  out  and  he 
was  stalled,  blocking  the  main  line.  He  reported  the  matter  to  the  division 
superintendent,  unwittingly  as  follows  : 

Engine  Two  blew  out  a  flue, 
What'll  I  do?— Bill  Blue. 

Then  he  sat  down  to  await  instructions.     This  is  what  came  over  the  wires  from 
the  superintendent's  office  twenty  minutes  later  : 

Bill  Blue  :  You  plug  that  flue 

In  Engine  Two,  and  pull  her  through 

In  time  to  get  out  of  the  way  of  twenty-two, 

Or  I'll  send  you  to  Kalamazoo, 

Doo,  Doo  !  my  huckleberry,  Doo. 

MID — That's  nice  for  railroad  poetry,  and  a  curiosity  in  the  way  of  literature. 
BONES — Hold  on  !     If  you  want  curiosities  in  poetry,  let  me  tell  you  what  I 
seen. 

I've  seen  the  rope-walk  down  the  lane, 

The  sheep-run  in  the  vale  ; 
I've  seen  the  dog-watch  on  the  ship, 

The  cow-slip  in  the  dale  ; 
I've  seen  the  sea-foam  at  the  mouth, 

The  horse-fly  in  the  air  ; 
I  know  the  bul-warks  on  the  deck, 

And  the  fire-works  many  a  scare  ; 
I've  seen  a-bun-dance  on  the  plate. 

A  lamp-light  on  the  floor  ; 
I've  seen  the  cat-fish  in  the  sea, 

And  a  hat-stand  by  the  door  ; 
I've  seen  the  mill-race  in  the  glen, 

The  heart-burn  in  the  breast ; 
I've  seen  a  door-step  on  the  street, 

And  a  watch-spring  in  my  vest. 


HOW  I  IvOVB  HER. 

A  SHORT  "  END  "    MONOLOGUE. 

You've  often  heard  the  expression,  ".1  love  you."  That's  aV  very  well,  but 
how  do  you  love  her?  when  do  you  love  her?  and  how  much  do  you  love  her?  I 
admit  that  I'm  crazy,  but  there  are  others  as  foolish  as  I  am.  When  a  young 
man  is  in  love,  his  mind  is  turned  to  poetry.  This  is  a  sure  sign  that  you  are  get- 
ting daffy.  But  I'll  tell  you  when  I  love  her  and  how  much  I  love'her  Now, 
please  don't  laugh  at  me.  If  there  are  any  other  love-struck  people  in  the  audi- 
ence, besides  myself,  I  hope  they'll  go  out  while  I  recite  this  : 

Oh,  I  love  her  when  it's  morning,  and  I  love  her  when  it's  noon, 
I  love  her  in  the  evening,  'neath  the  radiance  of  the  moon; 
I  love  her  when  she's  singing,  and  I  love  her  when  she  sleeps; 
I  love  her  wh^n  she's  laughing,  and  I  love  her  when  she  weeps; 
I  love  her  wli^ ,1  she's  driving  and  I  love  her  when  she  walks, 
I  love  her  when  she's  silent,  and  I  love  her  when  she  talks; 
I  love  her  every  attitude,  I  love  her  lightest  whims, 
I  love  her  when  she's  biking,  and  I  love  her  when  she  swims; 
I  love  her  when  she's  romping  with  her  merry  girlish  mates, 
I  love  her  when  she's  dancing,  and  I  love  her  while  she  skates; 
I  love  her  when  she's  eating,  and  I  love  her  when  she  drinks, 
I  love  her  when  she's  sneezing,  and  I  love  her  when  she  winks; 
1  love  her  after  onions  'round  her  lips  do  linger  yet, 
For  then  her  love  is  stronger  than  any  love  Pve  met. 


THE   WlTMARK    MlNSTREX    GUIDE).  57 


SYNONYMOUS. 
CROSS-FIRE. 

MIDDLE — I  saw  you  engaged  in  a  row  yesterday.  It  was  disgraceful !  Don't 
you  think  so? 

BONES — Yes ;  I  had  a  fuss  with  a  fellow  and  he  threw  an  egg  at  me.  It 
splashed  all  over  my  face  and  clothes,  and,  oh  !  it  wasn't  an  up-to-date  egg  !  It 
was  passe!  It  was  a  disgraceful  egg. 

MID  —It  doesn't  make  any  difference ;  if  he  struck  you,  you  should  return 
good  for  evil. 

BONES — I  did  ;  I  threw  an  egg  at  him. 

MID  —I  mean  return  good  for  evil. 

BONES — So  I  did  ;  the  egg  I  threw  at  him  was  a  good  egg. 

TAMBO — Say  !  You  know  a  great  deal.  Now,  what  is  the  difference  between 
also  and  likewise  ? 

MID — There  is  no  difference;  they  are  synonymous  terms. 

TAMBO — Sell-on-y-mous  tunes  ? 

MID— Webster  defines  synonymous  as  meaning  one  and  the  same  thing. 

BONES— What's  Webster  got  to  do  with  it?  He's  too  fresh  saying  what's 
right  and  what's  wrong  If  I  see  him,  I'll  just  tell  him  what  I  think  of  him. 

MID — Worcester  says  the  same  thing. 

TAMBO — Worcester's  all  right;  he  makes  Worcester  sauce  out  of  sight.  He's 
a  sell-on-a  -nious  sauce  maker ! 

MID — You  don't  understand;  also  means  likewise  and  likewise  means  also. 

TAMBO — Xo,  it  does  not !  Now,  I'll  prove  it.  You  know  Hummel,  the 
lawyer  ? 

MID — Certainly. 

TAMBO— Well,  he's  a  gentleman  and  also  a  lawyer—  likewise  honest. 
,  MID — Yes. 

TAMBO — You  are  also  a  lawyer  ? 

MID— Yes. 

TAMBO — But  you're  not  likewise  ! 

BONES — (Interrupting.) — Sell-on-y-mous  means  one  and  the  same  thing, 
does  it  ? 

MID— Yes. 

BONES— What's  a  one-dollar  bill? 

MID — A  one  dollar  bill,  of  course. 

BONES — What's  another  one-dollar  bill? 

MID — Synonymous  ! 

TAMBO — What's  two  things  alike  ? 

MID — Synonymous. 

BONES— What's  a  pair  of  twins  t 

MID — (Laughs) — Synonymous. 

BONES  AND  TAMBO — What's  one  elephant  and  another  elephant  and  what's 
one  clothes-pin  and  another  clothes-pin  ? 

MID — Silence  !     You  are  a  pair  of  fools. 

BONES  AND  TAMBO — (Pointing  at  MID) — Synonymous  ! 


MUSICAL  INSTRUMENTS. 

CROSS-FIRE. 

MIDDLE — Gentlemen, ^o  you  love  music? 

BONES — I  cmrHr'eaTmusic  T 

TAMBO — ]^ee»ld4iye  onjnusic  ! 

MID — I  am  pleaseulb  note  the  fact,  for  it  shows  an  appreciation  of  harmony. 

BONKS— We  can  tell  you  all  about  musical  instrumer-ts.  Did  you  know  there 
•were  musical  instruments  for  everybody  ?  Men,  womer  and  children  in  all  occu- 
pations? 


WlTMARK   MlNSTREI,   GuiD«. 


MID  -  1  certainly  did  not. 

TAMBO  —  It  shows  you  don't  know  much  about  music. 

MID  —  Then  tell  me  the  suitable  musical  instruments  for  everybody.     Which 
instrument  should  a  fisherman  play  upon? 
BONES  —  The  bass-oon  and  cast-a-net. 
MID  —  An  old  maid  ? 
TAMBO  —  The  man-do-lin. 
MID  —  A  man  with  a  cold  in  his  head  ? 
BONKS—  The  guitar.     (  Catarrh.  ) 
MID  —  An  undertaker? 
BONES—  The  bones. 
MID  —  A  burglar  ? 
BONES—  The  lute.     (Loot.) 
MID  —  Cats  on  a  wall  ? 
TAMBO  —  Tom  Tom. 
MID  —  Keeper  of  a  poor  hotel  ? 
BONES—  That's  easy.     A  vile-inn.     (Violin.) 
MID  —  A  prize  fighter  ? 
TAMBO  -A  music  box. 

MID  —  Which  music  is  appropriate  for  the  President? 
BONES  —  He  likes  a  march  —  &&  fourth  of  March. 
MID—  Which  is  a  good  song  for  a  barber? 
TAMBO  —  Oh,  comb,  oh,  comb  with  me  ! 
MID  —  Niagara  hackman  ? 

BONES—"  With  all  thy  falls,  I  love  thee  still." 
MID—  Which  is  a  good  song  for  a  tramp  caught  in  the  rain? 
TAMBO  —  "  Wet  till  the  clouds  go  by." 
MID  —  Good  song  for  me  at  my  boarding  house  ? 
BOTH  —  "  When  you  ain't  got  no  money,  well,  you  needn^t  come  'round  I  " 


REMARKABLE   BRAVERY. 
CROSS-FIRE. 

MIDDLE — I  understand  you  attended  the  banquet  the  other  night.  Did  you 
enjoy  yourself  ?  Did  you  take  well  ? 

BONES — You  bet  I  did;  I  got  three  spoons,  four  napkin-rings  and  a  sugar- 
bowl.  I  would  have  swiped  more  if  I'd  had  a  chance. 

TAMBO — (Interrupting,  to  Middleman.)— Say  !  Does  your  sister  use  face 
powder  ? 

MID — She  uses  a  little  powder.  I  think. 

TAMBO — A  little  ?  She  puts  it  on  so  thick  that  she  ought  to  join  the  plaster- 
ers' union  Oh  !  what  a  face  she  has— and  wrinkles  !  Ugh  !  They  are  good  for 
the  flies  to  hide  in. 

MID — I  hope  you  will  not  criticise  my  sister's  features. 

BONES— Her  feet !  Oh  !  (Laughs. )  She'd  be  awful  tall  if  there  wasn't  so 
much  of  her  on  the  ground.  Feet !  Oh  !  They  are  like  a  couple  of  trunks. 

TAMBO — I  guess  she  must  leave  her  feet  outside  of  the  room  when  she  retires 
at  night,  doesn't  she? 

MID — You  wouldn't  believe  she  wears  number  twos  ? 

BONES — You  mean  twenty-twos  ! 

TAMBO—  Two  hundred  and  twenty-twos  ! 

MID — Now,  there  is  a  brave  and  noble  girl.  Let  me  relate  an  incident.  The 
other  night  a  burglar  entered  the  house  and  began,  dark  lantern  in  hand,  to 
search — 

BONES — For  her  feet  ?    Why,  he  couldn't  ^^ falling  over  them. 

MID — (Annoyed.)— No!  No!  While  the  burglar  was  searching,  my  sister 
heard  him. 

TAMBO— He  stepped  on  her  feet,  and  next  day  she  felt  it. 


THE  WlTMARK    MlNSTREl,   GUIDE.  59 

MID— Oh,  listen  !     She  heard  the  burglar— what  did  she  do  ? 

BOTH — Stepped  on  him  and  he  died  ! 

MID — No;  she  didn't  scream  nor  betray  timidity,  but  ran  out — 

BOTH—  With  those  feet? 

MID — (Angry.) — Yes,  yes. 

TAMBO — I  don't  see  how  she  could  run. 

BONES — May  be  somebody  carried  her  feet  in  a  wheelbarrow  and  she  followed 
them 

MID — No  !  I  tell  you  !     I  repeat  she  ran — 

BOTH — And  tumbled  over  them. 

MID — No,  sir  !     She  ran  to  the  corner  and  found  a  policeman — 

BONKS— Fast  asleep  on  her  feet  ? 

MID — (Very  angry)— No  ! 

TAMBO — Then  he  was  inside  one  of  her  shoes  ? 

MID — No  !    She  found  the  policeman,  brought  him  back  to  the  house — 

BOTH — And  he  arrested  her  feet ! 

MID — (Rises  in  anger) — Shut  up  ! 

BONES— Shut  up,  yourself  !    They  weren't  your  feet,  were  they? 

TAMBO— Shut  up  your  sister's  Trilby s  ! 

MID — (Excited. ) — The  policeman  came  to  the  house  and  arrested  the  burglar. 
That's  what  I  call  bravery  ! 

TAMBO — Get  out !     Any  girl  in  this  town  could  do  that. 

BONES — Certainly  they  could  if  they  had  the  chance,  but  they  couldn't  .£•<?/  the 
chance. 

TAMBO — No;  she'd  never  get  a  chance. 

MID — Why  not? 

BOTH — She  couldn't  find  a  policeman. 


STUPIDITY  AND  SOLDIERS. 

CROSS-FIRE. 

MIDDLE — What  were  you  doing  to-day  capering  in  the  middle  of  the  street 
like  a  lunatic  ? 

BONES — Trying  to  dodge  a  cross-eyed  girl  who  was  on  a  bike. 

TAMBO — Say  !    How  did  you  like  the  shot  you  got  to-day  ? 

MID — What  do  you  mean  ? 

TAMBO — (Talking  to  Bones. )  He  tried  to  be  fresh  and  he  says  to  a  young  lady 
passing  by:  "Sissy,  does  your  mother  know  you're  out!  "  The  girl  says:  "Oh,  yes  ! 
And  she  gave  me  a  penny  to  buy  a  monkey.  Are  you  for  sale  ?  "  (Laughs. ) 

BONES — Speaking  of  money.  You  know  how  mean  he  is  (Referring  to  Mid). 
Well,  he  swallowed  an  old-fashioned  copper  cent  by  mistake  (laughs),  and  the 
doctor  made  him  cough  up  t  wo  dollars. 

TAMBO — Show  you  how  smart  he  thinks  he  is.  (Meaning  Mid.)  I  met  him 
at  the  depot  and  he  was  chuckling  to  himself.  I  says  :  What  pleases  you  ?  He 
says  :  I've  got  the  best  of  the  railroad  company  this  time.  I've  bought  a  return 
ticket  and  I'm  not  going  to  use  it. 

MID — (Angry.)  Oh,  gentlemen,  I'm  not  so  stupid  as  all  that ! 

BONES — You're  worse  !  He's  so  mean  that  he  never  goes  to  a  barber  to  have 
his  hair  cut.  He  waits  until  winter  time  and  sticks  his  head  into  a  bucket  of 
water  and  lets  his  hair  freeze  stiff  ;  then  he  breaks  it  off. 

TAMBO — Then  he  got  a  job  in  a  dry  goods  store  as  clerk.  A  lady  came  in  and 
made  him  take  down  seventy  bolts  of  silks  and  satins.  Then  she  says  :  I  don't 
think  I'll  purchase  anything;  I  was  merely  looking  for  a  friend.  He  says  :  If  you 
think  your  friend  is  in  the  other  bolts  I'll  take  them  down,  too.  But  he's  a  chump  ! 

BONES — I've  got  to  tell  this  one  on  him.  He  was  eating  his  dinner  at  the 
hotel  and  the  waiter  placed  a  finger-bowl  beside  him.  He  looked  at  it,  picked  it 
up  and  drank  half  of  its  contents.  Then  he  turned  to  me  and  says  :  That's  the 
thinnest  lemonade  I  ever  tasted. 


60  THE  WITH  ARK  MINSTREX  GUIDE. 


MID — (Pleadingly.)  Oh,  gentlemen  !  Please  do  not  hold  me  up  to  ridicule  in 
this  manner. 

TAMBO — Oh  !  You  frozen  piece  of  pie  !  He  went  to  the  butcher's  and  asked 
him  for  ten  cents  worth  of  liver;  and  he  says:  Don't  give  me  any  liver  with 
bones  in  it.  ( Laughs. )  He  ought  to  work  in  a  livery  stable  ! 

BONES — And  he  wanted  to  enlist  in  the  army.  The  officer  says  :  \Vhich 
branch  of  the  service  do  you  prefer?  Army  or  Navy  ?  He  says:  Both.  Officer 
says:  Which  regiment?  He  says  :  Put  me  in  the  Seventh  regiment.  I've  got  a 
brother  in  the  Sixth  regiment  and  /  want  to  be  near  him. 

MID — (Stamping  foot.)  All  this  is  nonsense  !  Now  tell  me  who  makes  the 
best  soldiers  for  Uncle  Sam  ? 

TAMBO — Auburn  haired  soldiers,  for  they  are  always  Reddy. 

BONES — Pawnbrokers  make  the  best  soldiers.  They  can  send  Three  Balls  to 
the  enemy.  No,  sir;  Nigger  soldiers  are  the  best  of  all. 

MID— Why  ?      . 

BONES — They  &refast  colors  and  never  run. 

COUNTERFEIT  MONEY. 

END — I'm  the  most  unfortunate  man  you  ever  saw.  I  get  into  all  kinds  of 
trouble.  I  saw  a  friend  of  mine  fall  off  a  car  and  roll  in  the  mud.  I  went  to  him 
and  got  a  stick  and  commenced  rubbing  the  mud  off  him,  when  along  came  a 
policeman  and  arrested  me. 

MIDDLE— What  for  ? 

END — Merely  scraping  an  acquaintance.  While  I  was  in  court  I  saw  a  re- 
markable case;  a  deaf  and  dumb  man  was  brought  in,  and  the  judge  made  a 
remarkable  cure  right  there. 

MID— What  was  it  ? 

END — He  gave  the  deaf  man  a  hearing.  Then  a  pickpocket  was  brought  in, 
charged  with  picking  pockets  in  a  crowd.  The  judge  fined  him  fifteen  dollars. 
The  pickpocket  said  :  "Judge,  all  the  money  I've  got  with  me  is  a  ten-dollar 
bill."  The  judge  says:  "  All  right !  Give  me  the  ten  dollars."  Then  the  judge 
say  to  the  cop:  "  Officer,  turn  this  man  loose  in  the  crowd  and  let  him  get  me  the 
other  five  dollars."  As  I  was  leaving  court,  I  noticed  a  ten-dollar  bill  lying  on 
the  sidewalk.  I  stooped  to  pick  it  up,  but  it  looked  like  a  counterfeit  bill,  so  I 
passed  on. 

MID — And  the  bill  turned  out  to  be  a  good  one,  of  course  ? 

END — No  ;  but  I  was  arrested  before  I  had  gone  a  dozen  steps  further. 

MID— Arrested  !     What  for? 

END — For  passing  counterfeit  money. 

A  CYCLONE  STORY. 

END — I  went  to  a  party  last  night,  and  we  had  a  great  cake-walk.  Do  you 
remember  when  cake-walks  were  done  for  the  first  time  on  the  stage  ? 

MIDDLE — No,  I  do  not.     Do  you  know  ? 

END — Yes;  cake-walks  were  done  for  the  first  time  on  the  stage  in  "Uncle 
Tom's  Cabin,"  when  Eliza  crossed  the  river  on  the  ice-cakes  of  ice.  I  came  near 
being  a  cake  myself  a  few  weeks  ago.  I  was  caught  in  a  hurry-up-cane. 

MID — A  hurricane — a  cyclone. 

END — You  bet  I  was  a  sick  coon  after  it  struck  me.  It  made  me  see  the  color 
of  the  wind . 

MID — The  color  of  the  wind  ? 

END — Yes;  it  was  blew.  When  the  cyclone  struck  our  town  it  changed  the 
whole  map.  You  remember  the  main  street,  don't  you? 

MID — Yes;  it  ran  north  and  south. 

END — Well,  it's  east  and  west  and  all  twisted  up  and  down.  Oh,  how  it 
blew !  It  blew  the  paint  off  of  all  the  houses. 


I 


THE  WlTMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  6 1 


MID — You  don't  say  so. 

END — Blew  the  knot-holes  out  of  the  fence. 

MID — Terrible  tempest ! 

END — Yes  ;  it  blew  the  cellar  out  from  under  the  Court  House.  It  blew  the 
sun  back  three  hours. 

MID — You  don't  say  so  ! 

END — Do  you  remember  Johnny  Fitz  Hugh  ?    He  had  the  catarrh  in  his  nose  ?* 

MID— Yes  !     (All  are  excited. ) 

END — It  blew  his  nose!  He  hadn't  blown  it  in  three  years.  Oh  !  it  was  an 
awful  cyclone.  It  blew  all  the  fishes  out  of  the  river,  then  it  blew  them  back 
again.  Blew  open  a  safe,  and  blew  in  all  the  money!  Do  you  remember  Fitz 
Hugh's  dog?  A  little,  tall,  lean  kioodle  dog?  Well,  it  was  running  down  the 
street  with  its  mouth  wide  open  and  the  wind  blew  the  dog  inside  out  and  he  ran 
the  other  way. 

ALL  ABOUT  LAW. 

END — I  was  coming  up  to  the  city  in  a  railroad  train,  and  I  noticed  a  very 
loving  couple  seated  ahead  of  me,  and  the  young  lady's  mother  sat  in  the  seat 
ahead  of  them.  Suddenly  we  came  to  a  long,  dark  tunnel  and  when  we  emerged 
the  young  lady  looked  indignant  and  angry.  Her  mother  leaned  over  and  said 
to  her:  "  Don't  make  such  a  display  of  temper  !  Did  he  dare  kiss  you  while  we 
were  in  that  dark  tunnel  ?  The  girl  says:  "  No ;  he  didn^t!  The  coward  !  "  Now, 
if  I'd  been  in  his  place,  she  wouldn't  have  said  that  about  me.  I  saw  you  one  day 
last  week  with  a  lot  of  books  under  your  arm.  What  are  you,  a  book  agent? 

MIDDLE — No,  sir.     Those  books  were  law  books.     I'm  practising  aj^the  bar. 

END — Tell  me  which  one  you  practise  at,  and  I'll  go  with  you.  They~^w»V 
trust  me  at  any  of  the  bars  up  my  way. 

MID — (Angrily.) — I  mean  to  tell  you  that  I  am  a  lawyer,  a  criminal  lawyer. 
Some  day  you  may  need  my  services,  or  I  shall  be  the  lawyer  to  cross-examine 
you. 

END — I  don't  care.     I'm  seld^m^iai_ofja^l^.nyj^a.y. 

MID — I've  long  wanted  t&-^u^you~un(^f^osi^sin^L  question  you,  the  same  as  I 
would  were  I  in  the  Court  House  and  had  you  on  the  witness  stand. 

END — Well,  I've  got  no  time  to  be  questioned.     I  might  give  myself  away. 

MID —  Dignified. i — I  dare  say  !  Gentlemen  !  (To  circle.)  I'll  cross-examine 
this  fellow  and  show  you  how  easily  I  befog  and  tangle  up  a  witness  with  as  little 
gray  matter  under  the  skull  as  this  representation  of  nothing  has  in  his  cerebel- 
lum !  Look  at  me,  you  miscreant !  You  mustard  seed  in  a  vast,  fathomless  sea  of 
nothing. 

END — Hold  on  !  I'll  punch  your  jaw  if  you  call  me  a  mustard  plaster.  I 
know  I'm  hot  stuff,  but  don't  call  me  that. 

MID — Silence!     What  is  your  business  ? 

END — I'm  a  tin  roofer.  I've  worked  at  it  off  and  on,  but  I've  worked  at  it 
steady  the  past  twelve  years. 

MID — How  long,  off  and  on,  have  you  worked  at  it? 

END — Thirty-three  years. 

MID — How  old  are  you? 

END — Thirty-three  years  old. 

MID— Then  you've  been  a  tin  roofer  from  birth  ? 

END — No;  of  course  I  haven't. 

MID — Then  why  do  you  say  you've  worked  at  the  trade  thirty- three  years — 
and  you  are  only  thirty- three  years  old?  Come!  Answer  the  Court. 

END — You  asked  me  how  long  on  and  off\  worked  at  it.  I  have  worked  at  it 
off  and  on  for  thirty -three  years.  Fifteen  years  on  and  eighteen  years  off.  Fifteen 
and  eighteen  are  thirty-three!  What  kind  of  a  lawyer  are  you,  anyway? 
Smoke  up! 

MID — I'll  smoke  you  up  before  I'm  through  with  you.  You  remember  seeing 
Farmer  Jones  struck  by  Farmer  Benson  ? 


62  THB  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


END — I  do.     I  was  the  principal  witness.     I  was  the  whole  case. 

MID — How  far  were  you  from  Benson  when  he  struck  Jones  ? 

END— Oh  !  I  can  tell  that  easy  enough. 

MID — (Enthusiastically.) — I've  got  you  where  I  want  you.  Remember  that 
you  are  under  oath.  How  far  were  you  from  Benson  when  he  struck  Jones  ?  The 
lawyer  has  got  you  at  last  !  Ha  !  ha  ! 

END — (Thoughtfully.) — Three  yards,  two  feet  and  four  inches  and  a  half  ! 

MID — Why  are  you  so  particular  about  the  distance  to  the  half  inch  ? 

END — Because  I  thought  some  fool  of  a  thick-headed  lawyer  would  ask  me  ! 


GLADIATOR. 

END— Courting  is  nice,  isn't  it  ? 

MIDDLE — Yes,  sir.  Love's  young  dream  is  the  Elysian  fields  through  which 
we  hand  in  hand  wander  in  dreamland,  beside  purling  brooks  and — 

END — Break  away !  Don't  get  foolish  too  quick.  We  know  you're  crazy, 
but  don't  tell  everybody.  There's  one  thing  certain — the  girls  are  diplomatic  and 
no  relation  to  George  Washington. 

MID — What  do  you  mean  ? 

END — I  mean  to  say  that  they'll  get  you  on  a  string  if  they  can  When  I 
was  first  courting  I  had  proof  of  it.  I  called  on  her  and  went  into  the  dark  parlor 
and  she  jumped  up,  ran  into  my  arms,  and  said:  "  Oh  !  Charley,  I'm  so  glad  you 
called."  I  says  to  her:  "My  name  is  not  Charley;  my  name  is  George."  She 
said:  " Excuse  me,  I  thought  this  was  Wednesday  night."  She  got  her  dates 
mixed.  I  guess  I  got  in  on  Charley's  night ;  but  it  just  goes  to  show  how  they 
string  us  along. 

MID — Ah,  sir,  woman  is  Heaven's  best  gift  to  man. 

END— Yes;  and  she's  often  got  to  chase  him  to  make  him  take  the  gift.  But 
man  is  brave  and  can  stand  all  the  taffy  and  give  her  lots  in  return.  It  makes 
him  feel  like  a. gladiator — happy  !  jolly ! 

MID — (Patronizingly.) — Do  you  know  the  meaning  of  gladiator  ? 

END — Certainly  I  do.  Do  you  suppose  I  came  here  to  show  my  ignorance  as 
you  do  ? 

MID — Then  define  the  word  gladiator. 

END — I  don't  have  to  find  it;  I! }  \tgot  it. 

MID — Well,  what  is  it  ?    Come. 

END— I  know  what  it  is  all  right. 

MID — Well,  give  us  the  definition. 

END — Gladiator  is  about  a  happy  man.  He  goes  to  sea  on  a  ship.  He  has 
his  wife  and  his  wife's  mother  with  him.  They  are  on  deck  looking  at  the  foamy 
toillows.  Suddenly  a  huge  wave  dashes  over  the  ship  and  sweeps  away  the  man's 
mother-in-law .  He  yells  for  help  as  he  sees  her  in  the  water.  Just  then  a  big, 
ravenous  shark  appears,  opens  its  jaws,  swallows  the  happy  man's  mother-in- 
law— 

MID— Well  ? 

END— (Dryly )  —  He's  glad  he  ate  her  ! 


AUTOMOBILE. 

END — Say,  do  you  know  Briggs  ?  Well,  he  and  his  family  are  living  in  a 
house-boat.  He  rented  an  old  canal-boat  and  they  pole  it  along  the  bank. 
Briggs  wrote  me  that  all  they  needed  to  make  it  seem  like  real  canal  life  was  an 
old,  spavined,  knock-kneed,  flea-bitten  mule — and  he  wants  you  to  come  up. 

MiDDivK — That  is  a  very  ambiguous  invitation. 

END — it's  a  big  boat.  Oh,  I  must  tell  you  about  my  mother-in-law.  She  fell 
in  a  well. 

MID — You  don't  say  so. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  6-* 


END— And  the  well  was  so  deep  that  I  didn't  hear  the  splash  for  two  weeks 
afterwards.  Some  day  I  must  take  you  out  riding  in  my  auto-mo-bill-eye. 

MID — You  ignoramus  !  Go  and  study  up  proper  pronunciations  before  you 
display  such  lamentable  ignorance  in  the  company  of  scholars. 

END — What's  the  matter  with  you?    Been  eating  boarding  house  hash  again? 

MID — Auto-mo-bill-eye!  (Laughs.)  The  word  is  derived  from  the  French — 
auto-mo-bee  I 

END — (Imitates  Middle's  voice) — Auto-mo-beel !  You  can  go  to  Mobile  or 
New  Orleans,  if  you  want  to.  I  don't  think  anybody  knows  how  to  pronounce 
the  word. 

MID — Nonsense  !     Do  you  think  that  everyone  is  as  dense  as  you  are  ? 

END — I  stick  to  my  assertion  !  You  can  pronounce  the  name  of  the  new 
horseless  wagon  any  way  you  like  and  be  correct.  I  can  prove  it  for  five  dollars. 

MID — Well,  it's  worth  five  dollars  to  have  you  make  a  fool  of  yourself.  It's  a 
bet.  Go  ahead  and  prove  that  each  and  every  pronunciation  of  that  word  is 
correct. 

END — I'll  give  it  to  you  in  poetry,  so  that  you  can  see  that  /'  m  right  and  you're 
wrong.  Listen ! 

Faster  than  ever  rode  Budd  Doble, 
Speeding  along  in  his  auto-mo-bel. 

And  he  went  along  so  nobbily. 
In  his  brand  new  auto-mobbily. 

There  he  rode  for  many  a  mile 
In  his  dashing  auto-mo  bile. 

He  had  no  need  to  cry  '  whoa,  Bill  I" 
Riding  in  his  auto-mo-bill. 

Thus  he  went  across  the  lea 
In  his  swiTt  auto-nw-blee. 

Faster  sped  each  whirling  wheel 
Of  his  flying  auto-mo-btel. 

So,  do  not  pick  me  up  for  a  fool. 
About  this  new-fangled  aulo-ino-bool. 

It's  cost  you  five  to  hear  me  say 
It  might  be  called  aulo-mo-blay. 

You  bet  I'm  right— you  hear  me  sneeze, 

Pronounce  it  any  why  you  please. 

For  on  to  your  five  I'm  going  to  freeze. 

A  THRILLING  STORY. 

END — Did  you  know  that  I  was  one  of  those  long-haired  poets  and  writers  ? 
I'm  worse  than  Laura  Jean  Libbey  !  I  have  great  powers  of  description. 

MIDDDK — Then  you  will  become  a  successful  writer. 

p?ND — You  bet  your  life  I  will.  I  write  from  actual  occurrences.  Listen  ! 
(Rises  and  recite^.)  'Twas  a  fearful  night;  the  Storm-king,  out  of  humor,  let 
loose  the  howling  wind  and  pelting  rain,  and  clothed  the  earth  with  darkness  as 
dense  and  impenetrable  as  an  Egyptian  sepulchre.  All  instinctive  life  was  hushed, 
save  the  tempest  bird,  whose  shrill  screams  mingled  with  the  crashing  blast  and 
made  it  more  terrible  in  its  mighty  frenzy.  'Twas  dark  as  midnight ;  the  trees 
moaning  and  sighing  piteously,  were  rudely  tossed  about,  and  ever  and  anon 
huge  masses  of  mutilated  timber  fell  to  the  ground .  Before  an  open  window 
stood  a  beautiful  girl;  her  glossy  ringlets  waved  like  streamers  in  the  passing 
wind;  her  exquisite  form,  which  bore  the  impress  of  nobleness  innate,  was  splen- 
didly erect;  and  her  flashing  eyes,  full  of  excited  lustre,  shone  brighter  still 
through  the  impenetrable  darkness.  Proudly  she  stood  there,  defying  the  tempest 
in  its  wrath.  See  her  rosy  lips  separate  like  the  leaflet  of  the  morning  rose,  and 
with  one  tremendous  effort  she  screams  out  at  the  top  of  her  voice.  ( Imitates 
woman's  voice.)  Jim,  if  you  don't  let  go  that  pig's  tail,  ma  will  thrash  you  like 
thunder!  f 


64  THE;  WITMARK  MINSTREX  GUIDE. 


NEWSPAPER  REPORTER. 

END — I'm  a  newspaper  reporter  now.  I  had  a  job  working  for  the  railroad, 
but  I  gave  it  up.  I  was  brakeman  in  a  baggage  room  ! 

MIDDLE — What  are  the  duties  of  a  brakesman  in  a  baggage  room? 

END — Breaking  trunks  !  After  I  had  smashed  everything  in  sight,  I  went  to 
reporting  for  newspapers. 

MID — Are  you  florid  or  pacific  in  your  style  of  writing  ? 

END — No;  I  hoist  'em  with  a  derrick.  I'll  give  you  a  sample  of  how  I  re- 
ported a  sensational  occurrence  for  our  paper.  Open  your  large  ears  and  drink  in 
the  following  peroration:  (Gradually  becomes  agitated.)  "Yesterday  was  an 
inspiring  one  in  our  town.  Fleecy  clouds  floated  athwart  a  sky  of  amethyst. 
The  lake  was  glorious  in  green,  blue,  purple  and  deep  violet  tints.  The  sweep  of 
the  gull  was  majestic.  The  wind  that  blew  across  the  velvety  lawns  in  the  parks 
was  exhilarating,  and  one  standing  at  the  edge  of  the  clear,  cool  water  at  evening 
saw,  if  he  looked  toward  the  roseate  West,  a  sky  line  that  was  magnificently 
broken  and  a  color  scheme  that  surpassed  the  most  extravagant  dream  of  the 
artist.  Suddenly,  as  if  the  swift  lightning  had  permeated  a  blackberry  bush, 
came  the  cry  of  Fire  !  Huge  tongues  of  the  firey  element  shot  into  the  agitated 
firmament,  and  the  conflagration  became  general.  I  rushed  into  the  debris  of 
the  flaming  domicile  and  through  the  volumes  of  blinding  smoke  and  embers,  I 
brought  them  out  and  cried:  "Saved  !  saved!  saved!" 

MID— What? 

END — Two  little  potato-bugs,  one  in  each  hand. 

THE  SAILOR'S  LETTER. 

END — You  know  old  Mrs.  Sassafras  !  Well,  she's  very  ignorant ;  she  can't 
read  or  talk  United  States  worth  a  cent.  Her  son,  John  Sassafras,  went  as  a  sailor 
on  one  of  our  war  ships  cruising  in  foreign  waters,  and  he  wrote  her  this  letter, 
telling  her  about  a  storm:  "  We  have  been  driven  in  the  Bay  of  Fundy  by  a  pam- 
poosa  right  in  the  teeth.  It  blowed  great  guns  and  it  carried  away  the  bowsprit ; 
a  heavy  sea  washed  overboard  the  binnacle  and  the  companion .  The  captain 
lost  his  quadrant  and  could  not  take  an  observation  for  fifteen  days.  At  last  we 
arrived  safe  at  Halifax."  The  old  woman  couldn't  read,  so  she  got  me  to  read  it 
over  to  her  several  times.  Then  she  began  to  cry  :  "Oh,  my  poor  son,  poor  John 
Sassafras!"  I  says  :  "  What's  the  matter?  He's  not  lost !"  She  says  :  "Thank 
goodness  he's  safe,  but  he  has  been  driven  into  the  Bay  of  Biscuits  by  a  bamboozle 
right  in  the  teeth.  It  blowed  great  cannons  and  it  carried  away  'Co.^ pulpit;  a 
heavy  sea  washed  overboard  the  bicycle  of  the  constitution,  the  captain  lost  his 
indigestion  and  couldn't  get  any  salvation  oil  for  fifteen  days.  At  last  they  ar- 
rived at  Hallelujah" 

HE  SPOKE  TO  ME  AT  THE  GRAVE. 

END — I  went  to  Saratoga  last  summer,  and  one  of  the  most  beautiful  women 
I  ever  saw  stopped  at  the  same  hotel  with  her  invalid  husband.  I  s'pose  he  came 
there  to  get  well,  but  he  didn't,  for  in  a  week  or  so  he  died.  So  I  told  my  friend 
Brown  that  I  was  going  in  to  win  the  widow.  Brown  is  the  freshest  duck  you 
ever  saw. 

MIDDLE — I've  heard  of  him;  a  most  nervy,  bare-faced  fellow. 

END — I  told  him  I  was  going  to  try  to  win  her,  and  he  says:  "  I'm  going  to 
try  to  win  her  myself."  I  was  bound  to  get  ahead  of  him,  so  the  minute  she 
returned  from  the  funeral  I  didn't  lose  a  moment.  I  rushed  to  her  presence  and 
took  her  hand.  I  knelt  at  her  feet  and  said  :  "  Madam,  excuse  this  seeming 
haste,  but  I  cannot  help  it.  I  love  you  sincerely,  and  have  loved  you  while  your 
poor  invalid  husband  was  dying.  I  could  not  wait  a  moment,  but  I  know  that 
right  after  a  funeral  seems  so  hasty,  but  I  love  you,  and  here  I  offer  you  my  hand 
and  heart  "  "I  am  so  sorry,  but  you  are  too  late;  your  friend  Brown  spoke  to 
me  at  the  grave  !  " 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  65 


HE  DIED  LYING. 

MID — When  does  a  young  lady  go  into  the  lumber  business?  When  she 
pines,  for  her  sweetheart,  who  is  a"  spruce  young  man  with  ebony  face,  and  of 
whom  she  thinks  a  great  deal.  Now  don't  say  that  this  is  a  chestnut. 

MIDDLE — While  I  remember  it,  I  wish  to  call  you  to  account.  You  told  cer- 
tain people  that  I  was  a  famous  liar. 

END — No;  I  didn't  say  that  I  never  made  use  of  such  an  expression.  I 
said  you  were  an  infamous  liar.  Speaking  of  liars,  how's  your  father?  There  i» 
the  greatest  old  liar  that  ever  lived. 

MID — Don't  date  to  call  my  father  a  falsifier  ! 

EXD — He's  not  a  falsifier,  he's  just  a  plain  old  liar.  He'd  rather  lie  than 
eat.  He'd  lie  all  the  time 

MID — Don't  speak  of  him  in  that  manner  ;  he's  dead. 

EXD— You  don't  say  so.     What  was  the  complaint? 

MID —  There  was  no  complaint. 

END — Everybody  was  satisfied,  1  s'pose.     Where  did  he  die? 

MID— He  died  in  the  house 

END — Did  he  die  standing  up? 

MID — Certainly  not.     He  died  lying  ! 

END— He  kept  it  up  to  the  last  didn't  he? 

THE  RESTAURANT  AND  CUSTARD  PIE. 

END — They  have  the  brightest  waiters  in  this  city  I  ever  saw.  They  know 
just  what  you  mean  when  you  order.  Now,  I  went  into  a  restaurant  and  called 
for  a  lobster.  The  waiter  brought  me  a  picture  of  (some  local  crank).  A  maa 
wee  called  me  a  lobster.  1  took  him  into  a  restaurant  and  made  him  eat  hi& 
words.  There  is  a  restaurant  in  the  city  where  they  have  all  kinds  of  signs  on 
the  \valis.  For  instance,  one  sign  reads :  Remember \  Heaven  sees  Everything^ 
ami  a  sign  next  to  it  reads  :  Keep  your  eyes  on  your  umbrella.  Then  there's  onew 
T/'v  our  mince  pies,  and  under  it,  Be  prepared  to  die.  When  you  get  a  plate  of 
hash,  you  can  see  a  placard  staring  you  in  the  face,  Have'jaith  in  me;  or,  if  you 
b  • -ik  an  egg  that's  antiquated,  you'll  see  a  sign  on  the  wall,  Honor  thy  Jather 
a  :  1 1  'iy  mother.  That  s  all  right  if  y oil' re  a  chicken.  And  when  you  get  a  glass 
o<  cii.lc  you  read  a  placard  that  seems  to  be  about  the  milk,  for  it  says  :  Shall  w$ 
Cither  at  the  river?  Then  there  s  one  that  reads:  Honesty  is  the  best  policy. 
T  ie\  ve  got  that  one  stuck  up  over  the  cashier's  desk.  But  there  was  an  accident* 
there  the  other  day  A  countryman  came  in  and  ordered  custard  pie.  The 
colored  waiter  brought  it  to  him,  and  the  jay  says  :  Whereas  the  lid  that  goes  <m 
lop  of  it  ?  The  waiter  told  him  they  never  put  a  top  crust  on  custard  pie. 

MIDDLE — It  was  never  intended  for  the  upper  crust. 

END — Of  course  not.  That's  why  you  never  get  any  of  it.  When  the  o34 
coon  told  the  countryman  that,  the  jay  scooped  out  a  handful  of  the  custard  anrf 
threw  it  at  the  old  colored  waiter  s  head,  and  there  it  stuck.  ( Laughs. )  What  6 
sight  he  was  !  The  landlord  rushed  in  and  seeing  the  waiter,  he  yelled  out  / 
"  'Rastus  !  get  out  of  the  dining  room.  Don't  go  'round  here  with  all  your  brain* 
knocked  out !  " 

ANIMALS  GOING  TO  THE  CIRCUS. 

END — Are  you  fond  of  the  circus,  and  do  you  like  to  see  your  ancestors,  th0 
monkeys,  climbing  around  and  having  fun  ?  There  was  a  circus  out  our  way  last 
week,  and  all  the  animals  thought  they'd  like  to  go  and  see  the  other  animals 
with  the  circus.  So  the  frog,  the  duck,  the  lamb  and  the  pole  cat,  commonly 
called  the  skunk,  started  fo  visit  the  snow  They  were  anxious  to  get  in,  so  theV 
hopped  and  waddled  and  trotted  to  the  circus.  The  first  animal  the$  **iet  wv*> 
the  door-tender.  He  says:  ' '  Tickets  or  money  I  ^V-j  feadkeads  k&r*>  ^\  *-\ 
the  frog  had  a  greenback  and  passed  rigjfc*  in* 


66  THE   WlTMARK    MlNSTREl,   GUIDE. 


MIDDLE — That  was  good  for  the  frog. 

END — Hopping  good.  The  duck  had  a  bill  and  followed  the  frog.  The  lamb 
had  four  quarters  and  followed  the  duck.  But  the  unfortunate  skunk  was  left 
outside.  He  had  only  a  scent.  Naturally  he  turned  away  feeling  pretty  blue. 

MID — I  don't  blame  him  ! 

END — As  he  was  slowly  going  back  over  the  hill,  he  met  a  hoop  snake  rolling 
along  at  a  lively  rate  toward  the  show.  The  skunk  greeted  him,  but  the  snake 
did  not  stop.  '*  Don't  interrupt  me, "  he  cried,  over  his  shoulder;  "I've  got  to 
do  a  turn,  and  I'm  a  little  late. "  And  he  rolled  along.  At  the  top  of  the  hill  the 
skunk  noticed  another  old  friend  approaching.  It  was  the  sardine.  "  Hullo  !  " 
cried  the  sardine  ;  "what's  the  matter?  "  So  the  skunk  told  him.  "I  can  guess 
how  you  feel  about  it. "  said  the  sardine  sympathetically.  "  I  belong  to  the  smelt 
family  myself.  But,  say,  old  fellow,  you  come  right  back  and  go  in  with  me. 
I've  got  a  box." 

MID.— That  was  lucky  ! 

END — Yes  ;  so  when  they  got  into  the  tent  they  found  it  crowded.  The  sar- 
dine couldn't  use  the  box,  but  they  all  went  and  sat  on  the  elephant's  trunk,  and 
gave  three  cheers  and  a  tiger,  and  I'm  not  lion. 


FIXING  THE  PANTS. 

got  an  invitation  to  go  to  a  party,  but  I  didn't  have  a  pair  of  pants 
suitable.  So,  I  went  and  bought  a  pair,  and  found,  when  I  got  home,  that  they 
were  two  inches  too  long  for  me.  I  says  to  my  mother:  "Mother,  I  bought  a 
pair  of  pants,  and  they  are  two  inches  too  long  for  me.  Will  you  cut  off  two 
inches  and  sew  up  the  bottoms  ?"  She  says:  "I'd  like  to,  but  really  I'm  too 
busy,  and  can't  spare  a  moment."  So  I  went  to  my  sister  Arabella,  and  I  says  : 
'  Bella,  I  bought  a  pair  of  pants  and  they're  two  inches  too  long  for  me;  will  you 


two  inches  too  long  for  me.  Will  you  cut  off  two  inches,  and  baste  'em  up  for 
me!"  She  says:  "No!  emphatically,  no  !  Get  out  of  the  kitchen!  I  haven't 
got  time  to  bother  with  you  or  your  pants  !"  So,  I  took  them  to  a  tailor,  had 
two  inches  cut  off  and  the  bottoms  sewed  up.  I  brought  them  home  and  threw 
them  over  the  back  of  a  chair,  and  went  out  to  get  shaved.  My  mother  came  in 
and  saw  the  pants.  She  says:  "  That  poor  boy  wants  to  go  to  the  party;  I'll  fix 
his  pants."  She  cut  off  two  inches  and  went  out.  My  sister  came  in,  she  saw 
the  pants  and  she  says  :  "  I  guess  I'll  have  time  to  fix  'em  before  Charley  calls," 
and  she  cut  two  inches  off  the  pants  and  went  out.  The  servant  girl  came  in  with 
a  pair  of  shears,  and  she  says:  "I  guess  I'll  oblige  him  and  fix  his  pants  for 
him."  She  cut  two  inches  off  the  bottoms. 

MIDDLE— You  didn't  go  to  the  party  ? 

END— Yes,  I  did. 

MID— You  didn't  wear  those  pants? 

END — Yes  ;  I  wore  them  for  a  belt. 


YACHTING  TERMS. 

MIDDLE — I  dearly  love  a  yachting  trip,  but,  as  I  am  not  a  sailor,  I  do  not 
know  anything  of  the  yachting  terms  or  understand  the  nautical  jargon  of  the 
salt  water  folks. 

END — I  thought  you'd  understand  any  kind  of  a  jag  on;  but  you're  talking 
to  an  old  yachtsman  when  you're  talking  to  me.  I  love  the  sea.  I  can't  sleep 
unless  buckets  of  salt  water  are  splashed  against  my  window,  just  to  lull  me  to 
deep. 

MID— Then  you  are  a  sailor? 


WlTMARK   MINSTREL    GUIDE.  67 

END— I  was  rocked  in  the  cradle  of  the  deep  by  Davy  Jones.  I'll  give  you 
all  the  pointers  you  need  about  yachts. 

MID — But  the  expressions  and  their  meanings  ? 

END — Plain  as  the  nose  on  your  face,  and  that's  pretty  plain.  For  instance, 
when  they  weigh  the  anchor,  they  put  it  on  the  scales,  and  you  can  see  for  yourself 
how  much  it  weighs,  and  they  can't  cheat  you.  You  must  always  remember  that 
there  are  three  kinds  of  yachts — first  class,  second  class  and  steerage.  For  in- 
stance,  water  line  means  where  the  temperance  line  is  drawn.  Load  line  is  when 
the  sailors  get  a  jag  on  board !  Time  allowance — that's  when  you  buy  your 
yacht  on  instalments.  Sex  of  vessels  :  all  yachts  and  ships  are  called  she,  except 
mail  steamers  ;  don't  forget  that !  Can  buoy  means  a  young  sailor  who  rushes 
the  can.  Lead  line  is  a  line  drawn  with  a  lead  pencil.  Wind-lass — that's  a  sailor's 
Sweetheart.  Starboard—  that  means  a  star  boarder  on  a  yacht.  Port  means  any 
old  port  in  a  storm  or  any  old  port  wine  that's  lying  around  loose.  Capsize — the 
caps  for  yachtsmen  vary  in  sizes.  They  wear  bigger  ones  in  the  morning,  of 
course.  Avast  heaving— that  means,  stop  being  seasick.  Captain's  quarters — 2111 
the  2$-cent pieces  he  can  lay  his  hands  on. 


THE  RIVAL  POETS. 

END— ^You  seem  to  be  a  very  busy  man  now-a-days.  I  can  never  find  you 
home  when  I  call. 

MIDDLE — I  am  extremely  busy.  I  am  writing  poetry,  essays  and  storyettes 
for  a  young  ladies'  magazine. 

END — You  don't  tell  me.  I  never  knew  that  you  were  a  poet.  (Teasing 
him.)  I  thought  you'd  make  a  better  oyster-opener  or  driver  of  a  wagon,  or 
something  like  that.  So,  you're  a  poet,  are  you  ? 

MID — Yes,  and  I  take  great  delight  in  my  work  because  1  am  successful. 

END— I'm  something  of  a  poet  myself.  I'm  a  peculiar  poet.  I  can't  start  a 
poem,  but  I'm  great  in  putting  on  the  finishing  touches,  the  varnish,  as  it  were. 
I  shine  it  up  ! 

MID — I  see;  you  are  not  much  in  promulgating  the  theme,  but  you  are  excel- 
lent in  concluding  the  rhythmic  effusion. 

£ND — (I^ooks  at  him  in  astonishment.)  You've  changed  your  boarding 
house  again,  haven't  you?  Now  to  show  you  what  kind  of  a  poet  I  am,  you  just 
begin  a  few  stanzas  and  I'll  put  the  finishing  touches  to  it. 

MID — In  other  words,  I  am  the  alpha  and  you  are  the  omega. 

END. — Yes,  I'm  after  the  old  nigger  this  time.     Start  your  muse. 

MID — Very  well;  I'll  begin  a  stanza  and  you  are  to  finish  it.     (Romantically 

recites. ) 

Throughout  the  woods 

The  little  birds, 
The  sweetest  music  thrills. 

It  is  the  time  all  nature  turns— 
END-  -(Interrupting.)  To  Cartels  Liver  Pills  I 

Now,  isn't  that  sweet  and  appropriate?  Go  ahead!  You've  got  me 
Hungry  nov. 

MID— Oh!  that's  awful!  (Disgusted.)— Carter's  Liver  Pills. 

END — They're  awful,  but  it  rhymes  with  thrills,  and  hills  and  ills.  Give  me 
some  more;  my  poetic  brain  is  working. 

MID — Here's  another:  (Enthusiastically.) 

The  farmer's  boy  now  gladly  comes" 

With  all  his  merry  tunes, 
He  sits  down  quick,  beside  the  maid — 
END — (As  before)       ^»<*  riPs  ^is  pantaloons  ! 

You  can't  loose  me.     See  how  quick  I  got  the  rhyme  for  you  ? 
MID — Your  poetry  will  never  do.     It  would  not  please  the  ladies.     Now,  I* U 


68  THK  WITH  ARK  MINSTREX  GUIDK. 


show  you  the  style  of  poetry  the  ladies  admire.     This  is  my  own  composition. 
(Points  out  toward  audience  dramatically.) 

See  the  little  cloudlet, 

Over  the  little  wavelet, 
Uke  a  tiny  leaflet 

Dawn-cing  o'er  the  sea. 

END — Dawn-cing  o'er  the  sea  !  You  ought  to  have  seen  your  mouth.  It  look- 
ed as  if  it  had  dropped  out  of  its  place.  (Imitates  him. ) 

See  the  little  cloudlet, 

Over  the  little  wavelet, 
Oh,  somebody  ought  to  hit 

You  with  a  ten-inch  gimlet. 
You  ought  to  go  down  in  the  yardlet, 

To  the  pumplet, 
And  soak  your  big  fat  headlet, 

Dawn-cing  o'er  the  sea  ! 

You  make  me  tired  and  weary. 

MID — Here  is  something  I  think  real  sweet  and  pretty.     (Recites  again.) 

I  know  a  maiden  young  and  fair, 

With  heart  as  light  as  feather  ; 
With  garlands  in  her  nut-brown  hair, 

Tripping  through  the  heather. 

END — You  ought  to  go  out  in  the  street  and  let  a  trolley  car  run  over  you. 
The  idea  of  a  girl  with  nothing  but  garlands  in  her  hair,  tripping  through  the 
heather.  Why,  the  poor  girl  would  catch  cold  tramping  around  in  the  wet  grass. 
Here,  I'll  show  you  how  you  ought  to  recite  that : 

I  know  a  maiden  young  and  fair, 

Her  shoes  were  made  of  leather, 
She  fell  down  stairs  and  broke  her  hair, 

And  the  air  was  full  of  weather. 

MID — I  don't  like  your  poetry. 

END — Well,  I  don't  like  yours.  Somebody  ought  to  go  out  and  get  a  nice 
warm  custard  pie  and  push  it  up  against  your  face.  "Tripping  through  the 
heather  !  "  You're  a  nice  plum,  you-are. 

MID — I'll  try  you  again.     Listen  to  this.     (Recites.) 

She  thought  of  the  flowers  and  stars  above, 
And  then  she  thought  of  the  power  of  love. 

Now,  isn't  that  very,  very  pretty  ? 

END — You  make  me  sick  !  Here's  what  she  ought  to  say  : 

She  thought  of  Mike 

Who  was  often  beside  her, 
And  then  she  turned,  and 
Stepped  on  a  spider. 

See  !  that's  natural.  The  spider  is  liable  to  be  there,  and  she  could  step  on  it. 
The  public  wants  natural  poetry.  Things  that  are  liable  to  happen,  not  the  crazy, 
mushy  things  you've  been  writing.  You  ought  to  be  arrested  !  You're  worse  than 
a  cigarette  crank  ! 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  69 

END— Not  a  bit  like  it.     I'll  give  you  that.     Listen  : 

Down  in  the  kitchen 

A  maiden  fair 
Out  of  the  hash 

Was  picking  her  hair, 

(End  overjoyed  at  his  success  and  Middle  thoroughly  disgusted  and  speech- 
less.) 

CRYING  GAG. 

MIDDLE — I  was  just  thinking  of  the  time  I  sang  at  a  party,  and  the  song  is 
one  I  shall  never  forget.  It  carries  me  back  to  dear  old  England. 

END— Carries  vou  back  !  I  guess  that's  the  only  way  you'll  ever  get  back. 
It's  cheaper  than  rjaying  your  fare. 

MID — Here  it  is.  (Takes  out  ballad,  sheet  music.)  Now,  very  few  people 
know  how  to  render  a  ballad,  but  I  flatter  myself  that  /  can.  This  is  called 
"  Sweetheart,  why  did  you  leave  me  ?" 

END — I  see  you  put  the  emphasis  on  why  did  you  leave  me.  You  place  the 
adverb  before  the  a^uoirjliLpais. 

MID — Now  listen  !  I'll  read  you  the  poem  and  sing  the  chorus.  (Begins  to 
beat  time  with  one  hand.)  Oh-o-o-o. 

END — You  have  a  touch  of  the  hydrophobia,  haven't  you? 

MID — That's  how  it  begins.     Oh-T>c£o7 

END — I  know  you  owe  everybody,  but  go  on. 

MID — You  see  it  is  carried  over  into  the  next  bar, 

RND — You  owe  the  next  bar,  too,  do  you?  Well,  show  me  some  bar  you 
don' t  owe. 

I.I  ID— (Reads) — Oh-o-o  sweetheart,  why  did  you  leave  me  ?  Tell  me,  was  it 
fault  of  mine? 

END — He  wants  to  know  if  it's  his  fault  that  he  owes  every  bar. 

MID — (Annoyed,  but  resumes  reading.) — Oh!  'tis  the  first  time  you  have 
grieved  me;  you  always  were  so  good  and  kee-ind. 

END — Good  and  "kee-ind  !  " 

MID — (Reads) — Do  you  recall  when  last  we  parted? 

END — Do  I  ?     Well,  I  thought  you'd  never  get  home. 

MID — (Reading) — You  were  so  full  of  joy  and  bliss. 

END — Oh  !  but  you  had  a  load  of  joy  and  bliss  on  board.  (Laughs. )  Where 
was  that  we  parted ?  Corner  of  Freeze  to  Death  and  Chilly  Avenues,  wasn't  it? 
You  went  one  way,  I  went  three  different  ways. 

MID — (Angry) — I'm  reading  you  the  song. 

END — I'm  telling  you  how  we  parted. 

MID — I  don't  wish  to  hear  it.  (Reads. )  You  were  so  true  and  gentle-hearted. 
I  never  thought  (begins  to  sob)  'twould  come  to  this. 

END — Come  to  what  ? 

MID — (Sobs) — I  never  thought  'twould  come  to  this.  (Weeps  and  sobs,  then 
repeats  /  never  thought  'twould  come  to  this.  End  begins  to  sob  and  cry  also. 
Both  are  now  crying. ) 

MID — Oh,  'tis  the  wail  of  a  saddened  heart. 

END — It  sounds  more  like  the  exhaust  of  a  bath  tub. 

MID — (Sobs ) — You  don't  know  how  this  touches  me .     (Weeping. ) 

END — I  don't  care  as  long  as  you  don't  touch  me. 

MID — (To  Company) — Would  you  like  to  hear  the  chorus?  (They  all  nod 
yes. )  (To  end. )  Would  you  like  to  hear  the  chorus  ? 

END — I'll  stay  if  the  rest  do  !  (All  the  weeping  and  sobbing  is  done  accord- 
ing to  judgment  of  both  Middle  and  End. ) 

MID — It  is  in  seven  flats.     ( Wails.) 

END — That  sounds  a  little  jlat  to  me. 

MID — (Half  sings  or  wails) — Sweetheart !  Sweetheart !  I'm  singing  through 
the  lattice. 


7O  THE   WlTMARK   MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


END — It  sounds  as  if  you  were  singing  through  your  nose. 
'  MID— This  song  is  sung  to  the  accompaniment  of  the  crickets. 

END — Poor  little  crickets.     It's  tough  on  them. 

MID — Sweetheart  ! 

END — (Sobs)— Are  there  two  of  'em? 

MID— No.     It  is  slurred  ! 

END — The  second  sweetheart  is  slurred ',  poor  thing.     (Sobs.) 

MID — (Sings) — Some  day  you  will  return  to  me.  Oh!  I  can't  sing  it. 
(Breaks  down  in  sobs.) 

END— Whistle  it ! 

MID — Oh  !  I  can't  see  a  note. 

END — You  never  can  when  they're  due.     But  go  on;  make  me  weep. 

MID — (Sings) — 'Twill  free  my  heart  from  every — there's  an  accidental. 
(Looks  at  music.) 

END — Tear  it  off  !     (Wipes  eyes  with  'kerchief.) 

MID— Oh  !  I  can't  finish  it.     (Weeps. ) 

END— I'm  so  glad.  (Weeps. )  You've  got  a  nice  voice  and  you  read  a  song 
so  pathetically.  Your  voice  \s>  fishy  and  scaly  like,  but  it's  good.  I  was  a  good 
singer  before  I  got  married.  (Weeps  )  Oh  !  I'm  so  happy  I  wish  I  were  dead. 

MID — You  married  late  in  life.     ( Sobs. ) 

END. — (Sobs) — /  wish  I'd  made  it  later. 

MID — Whom  did  you  marry  ? 

END — Widow  Jones.     Hank  Jones'  widow. 

MID — Did  he  leave  any  real  estate  ? 

END— Yes ;  he  left  the  earth. 

MID — I  mean,  did  he  leave  anything? 

END— ( Crying)— What  ? 

MID — Did  he  leave  anything? 

END — Yes  ;  /  married  what  he  left ! 

N.  B. — This  is  what  is  called  a  "  Crying  Gag,"  and  judgment  is  required  to 
not  overdo  the  sobs  and  weeping,  gradually  working  up  to  a  good  crying  finish. 


MODERN  DEFINITIONS  OF  COMMERCIAL  TERMS. 

END — Are  you  a  man  of  business  ? 

MIDDI,E — No,  sir;  I  am  a  gentleman  of  leisure.     I'm  living  on  my  income. 

END — I  guess  you  haven't  got  long  to  live,  have  you  ?  Now,  let  me  give  you 
a  pointer  about  banking  affairs,  a  sort  of  up-to-date  definition  of  commercial 
terms. 

MID — What  is  a  bankrupt  ? 

END — A  man  who  gives  everything  to  his  lawyer  so  that  his  creditors  will 
get  it. 

Assignee  is  the  chap  who  has  the  deal  and  gives  himself  four  aces. 

A  bank  is  a  place  where  people  put  their  money,  so  it  will  be  handy  when 
other  folks  want  it 

A  depositor  is  a  man  who  don't  know  how  to  spend  his  money,  and  gets  the 
cashier  to  show  him. 

President  is  the  big  fat  man  who  promises  to  boss  the  job  and  afterwards 
sub-lets  it. 

A  director  is  one  of  those  that  accepts  a  trust  that  don't  involve  either  the  use 
of  his  eyes  or  ears. 

Cashier  is  of  en  a  man  who  undertakes  to  support  a  wife,  six  children  and  a 
brown  stone  front,  on  thirty  dollars  a  month  and  be  honest. 

Collaterals  are  certain  pieces  of  paper  as  good  as  gold  and  payable  on  the 
first  day  of  April. 

Assets  usually  consist  of  five  chairs  and  an  old  stove;  to  these  may  be  added 
*  spittoon,  if  the  bust  ain't  been  a  bad  one. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  71 


I/labilities  are  usually  a  big  blind  that  the  assets  won't  see  nor  raise  at  an/ 
time. 

A  Note — "  A  promise  to  do  an  impossible  thing  at  an  impossible  time." 

MID — Suppose,  in  business,  a  man  robs  you  of  twenty  dollars,  what  is  he  ? 

END — He's  a  thief,  a  mean,  paltry  thief. 

MID — Suppose  he  robs  the  bank  of  half  a  million  dollars  ? 

END — Oh  f    He* s  only  a  defaulter  and  a  tourist. 


THE  BOY  STOOD  ON  THE  BURNING  ROOF. 

END — I  went  to  a  party  the  other  night  and  I  heard  a  great  recitation  by 
Monahan,  the  Irishman  that  works  in  the  lumber  yard. 
MIDDLE — What  was  the  name  of  the  recitation  ? 
END — The  Boy  Stood  on  the  Burning  Roof. 
MID — You've  got  it  wrong,  I  know  the  recitation  very  well.     It  begins  thus : 

The  boy  stood  on  the  burning  deck, 

Whence  all  but  him  had  fled. 
The  flames  that  lit  the  battle  wreck, 

Shone  brightly  o'er  his  head. 

END— Oh,  cheese  it !  Not  a  bit  like  it.  Yours  is  the  old  way.  It  won't  d» 
now-a-days.  They  want  it  up-to-date,  with  new  ideas. 

MID— Nonsense;  that  poem  cannot  be  improved  upon. 

END— That's  all  you  know  about  it.  You  ought  to  hear  Monahan  recite  it, 
with  his  Irish  brogue  and  the  way  he  used  his  hands. 

MID — Go  ahead,  recite  it  for  us. 

END — I'll  show  you  how  Monahan  walked,  talked  and  looked. 

(Gets  up  and  limps  to  C.  and  recites  in  Irish  dialect,  accompanying  with  gro* 
tesque gyrations  ana  grimaces.) 

The  boy  stood  on  the  burning  roof, 

Whence  all  but  him  had  fled. 
The  building  being  quite  fireproof, 

With  flanv»-  ~vas  painted  red. 

Huge  tongues  of  flame  in  fiendish  joy 

Kept  darting  out  like  mad, 
And  began  to  lick  that  noble  boy, 

As  if  they  were  his  dad. 

"  Jump  !"  yelled  the  horror  stricken  crowa 

"Jump,  t>ubby,  from  the  ridge." 
"I  can't!''  he  dancing  shrieked  aloud, 

"This  ain't  no  Brooklyn  Bridge." 

The  firemen  tried  in  sad  despair 

That  gallant  boy  to  soak, 
But  alas,  no  stream  could  reach  him  there ; 

And  he  began  to  smoke! 

Then  came  a  voice  of  thunder  sound, 

From  one  cool  man  below  : 
"I'll  save  ye.  boy,  unless  you're  broiled — 

Jump  !  when  I  say,  to  go  I" 

Then  snatching  up  a  hose,  he  aimed 

A  mighty  stream  on  high  ; 
"Jump  on  that  water/"  he  exclaimed, 

"And^rad  it  tight  or  die!" 

Hurroo  !  With  one  terrific  scream; 

Out  jumped  that  little  kid, 
He  grabbed  that  solid  stream  of  water, 

A nd  safely  to  the  grou nd  he  slid. 

(Returns  to  seat) 


72  THE  WlTMARK   MlNSTREl,  GUIDE. 


A  VEGETABLE  STORY. 

END — I  worked  for  a  farmer  and  fell  in  love  with  his  daughter.  Her  name 
was  Marjerum  Pickles,  and  her  father  was  an  Old  Seed  Cucumber.  I  had  charge 
Of  the  vegetables  and  I'd  make  love  to  his  daughter  as  I  worked  in  the  garden, 
she  was  a  vegetable  girl.  She  had  carroty  hair,  reddish  cheeks,  turnip  nose  and 
eyes  like  onions,  and  they'd  always  leek.  I  suppose  you  know  the  names  of  all 
vegetables,  so  I'll  use  their  names  to  tell  you  my  story.  I  was  working  one  day, 
taking  my  thyme  when  along  came  Sweet  Marjoram  with  such  a  sage  look  on  her 
face  that  I  said  "  Oh  "  seven  times.  I  was  about  to  put  eight  o's  when  I  saw  she 
had  a  bottle.  She  said  it  was  Pas  nip,  so  I  couldn't  cabbage  it.  Just  then  Old 
Pickles  came  over  the  fence.  It  was  of  barbed  wire  and  it  tore  his  clothes  badly, 
Which  made  him  rue  barb  fences  after  that.  I  saw  he  was  mad  for  the  bunch  of 
Hfiinach  on  his  chin  was  agitated  by  the  breeze.  I  says  lettuce  have  peas,  beans , 
it's  you  !  He  says  :  "No;  you  can't  string  beans  around  here.  I'll  cut  down  your 
tilery,  you  lazy  cauliflower"  My  anger  began  to  sprout.  I  threw  a  tomato  at  him 
iut  it  fell  on  his  corn.  Then  he  was  beet.  He  found  out  that  I  was  some  pump* 
*ins  for  I  pickled  that  cucumber  quick.  I've  been  the  dandy  lion  ever  since* 
aad  now  I'll  squash  my  story. 


HOLD  YOUR  HEAD  UP. 

END  — I  went  to  see  my  young  lady  the  other  night  and  her  father  came  in. 
He  says,  "  Who  are  you?"  I  told  him  I  was  a  newspaper  man  and  was  going  to 
start  a  paper.  He  says:  "It  looks  so,  you  began  to  make  your  visits  weekly. 
Then  it  grew  to  be  in-weekly  and  now  it's  daily,  with  a  Sunday  supplement." 
I  told  him  after  marriage  we  might  have  an  extra.  But  there  was  no  use  starting 
a  newspaper  in  that  town.  The  old  maids  would  go  around  and  tell  all  the  news 
before  I  could  print  it.  When  I  proposed  to  this  young  lady  I  couldn't  say  a 
word.  I  got  a  sort  of  stage  fright.  I  fell  on  my  knees  and  couldn't  think  of  any- 
thing. Just  then  her  father  came  in  and  helped  me  out. 

MIDDLE — For  a  fellow  who  pretends  to  be  smart,  you  have  a  peculiar  way  in 
Balking.  You  carry  your  head  down.  Why  don't  you  walk  with  your  head  up- 
right as  I  do ! 

END — I  hang  my  head  down  and  your  head  always  stands  up  ! 

MID— Certainly,  (laughs)  your  head  hangs  down. 

END — Have  you  ever  been  through  a  field  of  wheat  when  its  ripe  ?  Some  of 
ibe  heads  stand  up  and  some  hang  down  ! 

MID— Well,  what  of  it? 

-^ID — The  heads  that  stand  up  are  empty.     There's  nothing  in  them. 


THE  SEGAR  TRICK. 

attended  a  reception  last  evening  and  I  saw  a  clever  thing.     I 
I  can  reproduce  it.     It  is  an  optical  illusioti.  (Produces  two  segars  from  vest 
-<d  holds  them  up  to  view. )     How  many  segars  do  I  hold  in  my  hand  ? 
END— Two ! 

MID — You  are  wrong;  I  have  three  !  I'll  prove  it.  Here's  one,  and  here's  two  ! 
Two  and  one  are  three.  See  !  It's  a  simple  trick  in  addition  and  an  optical  illu- 
sion. (Is  about  to  return  segars  to  vest  and  laughing  over  his  cleverness. ) 

END— Wait  a  minute.  Do  that  again,  will  you?  (Coaxes  Mid.  to  show  the 
trick  again,  which  he  does  by  pointing  to  one  segar,  then  to  the  other,  then  adding 
them.) 

MID— Here's  one,  here's  two.  Two  and  one  are  three.  (Laughs.)  Three 
pBgars.  Very  clever,  very  clever ! 

END— Let  me  see  if  I  could  do  that 


THE  WlTMARK   MiNSTRBI.  GUIDE.  73 


MID— Oh,  no  !  you're  not  clever  enough.  (End  coaxes  him  to  allow  him  the 
use  of  the  segars. ) 

END — If  it  was  too  clever,  you  couldn't  do  it.  (Holds  up  segars.)  Here's 
one,  here's  two.  Two  and  one  are  three.  (Laughs.) 

MID — That's  it.    Give  me  the  segars ! 

END— Let  me  do  it  again ?  (Counts  as  before.)  Here's  one,  here's  two.  Two 
and  one  are  three.  Very  clever,  very  clever!  (To  other  End  man.)  Have  a 
segar?  (End  man  takes  it.)  I'll  keep  this  one.  (Puts  remaining  segar  Li  his 
vest  pocket  and  returns  to  seat.) 

MID — Here,  here!  Where's  my  segar? 

BND — (Laughs. )    You  smoke  the  third  one ! 

COINCIDENCES  OF  MARRIED  LIFE. 
Can  be  related  alternately  after  overture%  by  2  or  4  men 

FIRST  END. — There  are  some  very  strange  coincidences  in  married  life; 
something  strange  in  the  names  of  wives  selected  by  business  men.  Now  for 
instance ;  you  remember  Mr.  Smith,  the  furniture  dealer  ?  Well,  what  do  you 
think  is  his  wife's  name? 

MIDDLE. — What  is  the  name  of  the  furniture  dealer's  wife? 

FIRST  END.—  Sofy  (sofa). 

SECOND  END. — You  know  Muldoon,  the  liquor  dealer?  Well,  what  do  yo  > 
suppose  her  name  is  ? 

MID. — What  is  the  name  of  the  liquor  dealer's  wife? 

SECOND  "BffTD.—Ginny. 

THIRD  END.— Say,  you  ought  to  hear  what  the  fish  dealer  calls  his  wife  ! 

MID.  —What  does  he  call  her? 

FIRST  END. — Nettie. 

FOURTH  END. —Say,  you  know  Johnson,  the  letter-carrier?  Well,  what  d  • 
you  think  he  calls  his  wife  ? 

MID.  — What  does  he  call  his  wife  ? 

FOURTH  END. — Carrie. 

FIRST  END. — Say,  (laughs)  you  know  that  man  from  Chicago?  Well,  h- 
calls  his  wife  Trilby.  ( Points  to  his  feet. ) 

SECOND  END. — And  there's  (name)  the  tonsorial  artist !  What  do  you  think 
he  calls  his  wife  ? 

MID  — What  does  he  call  her  ? 

SECOND  END. — Barbera. 

THIRD  END. — You  know  Mr.  Courthouse,  the  lawyer?  What  a  coincidence 
in  his  wife's  name  ! 

MID. — What  does  he  call  his  wife? 

THIRD  END. — Lize. 

FOURTH  KND. — And  there's  Jackson,  the  farmer.  What  do  you  suppose  lie 
calls  his  wife? 

MID. — What  is  her  name  ? 

FOURTH  BND. — Tilly. 

FIRST  END. — Oh,  I  nearly  forgot.     (Laughs.)    There's  Simpson,  the  dentist. 

MID  —What  does  he  call  his  wife? 

FIRST  END. — Tootsey. 

SECOND  END. — (Laughs  )  I  came  near  forgetting  about  (mention  his  name). 
You  know  his  wife  is  very  fat.  What  do  you  suppose  he  calls  her? 

MID  —What  does  he  call  his  wife? 

SECOND  END. — Leaner.  (Lena.) 

THIRD  END. — Can  you  tell  me  an  appropriate  name  for  a  shoemaker's  wife? 

MID.— I  can't  say  that  I  can? 

THIRD  END  — Peggy. 

FOURTH  END. — Now,  what  would  you  call  an  auctioneer's  wife? 

MID.— Don't  know  !  V' 

FOURTH  END. — Bid-dv» 


THE  WITH  ARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


COURTING  AND  THE  NEW  METHOD  OF  WEIGHING. 

END. — I  don't  like  my  girl's  little  brother.  He's  a  villain.  He  put  a  tack  on 
the  chair  the  other  evening.  And  the  business  end  of  the  tack  was  up.  Well,  I 
sat  down  and  I  jumped  about  ten  feet.  Now,  if  there's  anything  that  will  make 
a  man  rise  quick  in  this  world — it's  a  tack.  And  that  boy  laughed  and  laughed  at 
me.  Well,  it  wasn't  my  place  to  laugh,  so  I  had  to  grin.  We  sit  on  the  sofa  and 
call  each  other  pet  names  She  calls  me  lovey-oh-lovey  and  I  call  her  dovey.  Her 
right  name  is  Livery  Stables,  but  I  don't  call  her  that.  Her  people  are  all  high 
strung.  Her  father  was  hung.  All  her  folks  belong  to  a  base  ball  club.  She 
used  to  catch  me  and  ask  me  in  the  house  and  her  big  brother  would  pitch  me 
out.  Then  I'd  make  a  home  run  and  stay  there.  Whenever  I  wanted  to  get  her 
out,  I'd  go  under  the  window  and  shout  fire.  She'd  look  out  and  say  Where's  fire  ? 
and  I'd  put  my  hand  on  my  heart  and  say  Right  here.  Her  mother  got  on  to  my 
racket,  for  one  night  she  threw  a  bucket  of  water  all  over  me  and/»«/  the  fire  out. 
Say,  do  you  think  (local  town)  is  a  healthy  place?  I  do.  Now,  a  friend  of  mine 
said  to-day  that  when  he  first  came  here  he  weighed  86  pounds.  Now  he  weighs 
2Ji  pounds.  Must  be  a  healthy  place.  Now  when  I  first  came  here  I  only 
vreighed  6  pounds  !  Look  at  me  now  ! 

MIDDLE. — That's  wonderful. 

END. — Not  so  wonderful;  I  was  born  here.  Speaking  of  weight,  come  down 
t  o  the  fish  dock  and  see  me  weigh  the  stuff;  then  come  over  to  the  slaughter-house. 
I'm  in  great  demand.  I  don't  think  this  city  could  get  along  without  me. 

MID. — Have  you  charge  of  the  scales  ? 

END. — No!  It's  a  new  method.  (Explaining.)  They  drive  the  cattle  past 
me  and  I  say  those  oxen  weigh  eleven  hundred  pounds.  Those  calves  weigh  three 
liundred  and  six  pounds,  those  hogs  six  hundred  pounds,  those  sheep  one  thousand 
pounds,  and  it's  always  accurate 

MID, — You  guess  at  it. 

END. — No — No — right  every  time.  It's  a  gift  I  have.  I  can  tell  the  weight 
of  anything.  Tell  how  long  you  wait  for  her  on  the  corner. 

MID. — You  can  tell  the  weight  of  anything?  I'll  try  you  (To  circle.) 
Gentlemen,  I  was  weighed  to-day  and  you  know  my  weight.  (Rises. )  Come,  sir  ! 
How  much  do  I  weigh? 

END. — Come  down  where  I  can  see  your  feet.  (Looks  him  over.)  You — you 
weigh  exactly  172  pounds  and  an  ounce. 

MID. — That's  my  weight  to  a  fraction.  This  is  wonderful.  How  do  you  do 
this  ?  How  can  you  do  it? 

END. — That's  nothing?    I'm  weighing  hogs  every  day  ! 

(Middle  man  sits,  disgusted.) 


MUSICAL  INSTRUMENTS. 

END. — Come  down  and  see  me.  I'm  working  in  a  music  store.  I'm  head 
clerk.  If  a  fly  gets  on  the  window,  it's  my  duty  to  brush  him  off,  and  I  chase 
dirt  with  a  broom.  When  they  are  short  of  shavings  they  use  me  for  shavings  to 
pack  boxes.  Do  you  know  that  I  can  tell  just  what  kind  of  a  musical  instrument 
a  man  wants  the  minute  he  comes  into  the  store.  If  I  know  his  occupation,  I 
know  just  what  musical  instrument  will  suit  him. 

MIDDLE. — Do  you  mean  to  say  that  a  man's  business  should  have  anything  to 
do  in  selecting  a  musical  instrument? 

END. — Yes — and  I'll  bet  you  an  overcoat — something  you  need — that  I  can 
prove  that  all  occupations  need  certain  musical  instruments. 

MID. — Very  well;  I'll  try  you.  What  would  be  a  suitable  instrument  for  a 
letter  carrier? 

END.  — Letter  carrier — Bag  pipes. 

MID. — What  should  a  doctor  play  on  ? 

END. — Nose  doctor — catarrh  {guitar}  and  an  ear  doctor,  the  drum. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


MID. — Musical  instrument  for  free  masons  ? 

END. — Cymbals,  (symbols.) 

MID. — For  bank  cashiers  and  escaped  swindlers  ? 

END.  —Gong.     ( Gone. ) 

MID. — A  man  that  keeps  a  bad  hotel  ? 

END — A  vile  inn.   (violin.) 

MID. — Good  instrument  for  a  pawnbroker? 

END  —Jeiu's  harp. 

MID. — Good  one  for  a  politician  ? 

END. — Any  kind  of  a  wind  organ. 

MID. — Good  musical  instrument  for  a  mother-in-law  ? 

END. — They'd^  bone. 

MID. — For  ball  players  ? 

END. — The  double^  base,   (bass.) 

MID. — Now  what  is  a  good  instrument  for  two  young  lovers  ? 

END. — Mouth  harmonicas  !     Yum,  yum,  yum  ! 


THINGS  ARE  VERY  MIXED. 

CROSS- KIRK. 

BONES. — Peculiar  thing  I  saw  in  a  cemetery.  A  woman  had  buried  seven 
husbands  there,  and  to  be  economical  she  had  one  tombstone  for  the  whole  lot ; 
she  had  a  hand  chiseJed  on  it  pointing  upwards  ;  I  suppose  in  the  direction  she 
thought  they  had  gon».-.  An  old  gambler  came  along  ami  wroLe  under  the  hand 
seven  up.  Speaking  of  gambling,  did  you  ever  hear  the  A  B  C  of  poker? 

MID. — I  don't  quite  comprehend 

BONES. — The  A  B  C  of  poker — an  alphabet  composed  expressly  for  people 
who  play  poker.  I'll  recite  it  for  you. 

MID. — I'm  all  ears. 

BONES. — Anybody  can  see  that  you're  a  donkey  without  you  telling  us.  Now 
listen  : 

THE   TOILER.   ALPHABET. 

A  is  the  ante,  B  is  the  blujff  • 

C  is  tiie  cash  which  is  vulgarly  stuff; 

1)  is  tiic  draw  u  momentous  evem  ; 

K  is  ."or  elevate,  takes  your  last  cent  : 

F  is  the  i  i  i  yo'.i  h.ive  w.ien  }'ou  win  ; 

G  is  thcgitlie  who  loses  his  tin  ; 

H  is  the  nand  th  it  i .  dealt  ID  you  pat ; 

1  stind-;  for  in,    an  important,  thing  that  ; 

J  is  the/a£/fe  pot,  whose  Braises  we  sing  ; 

K  is  the  kitty,  vivacious  thing  ; 

L,  is  the  lojer,  he's  always  aiound  ; 

M  is  the  mo  <ey  which  d"oe.-.  not  abound  ; 

N  is  the  noodle  that  plays  up  two  pair; 

O  is  the  opener  laying  hi~  snare  ; 

P  is  for  poker,  our  national  game  ; 

g  stands  for  quit,  but  you  don't  all  the  same  ; 
is  for  raise,  and  it  otten  sound*  hard  ; 
S  is  the  squeezer  that's  marked  on  the  card  ; 
T  is  the  time  that  you  waste  when  you  deal ; 
U  is  your  uncle  to  whom  you  appeal  ; 
V  was  the  come  in,  you  know  the  cost  ; 
W  is  the  widow  who  wins  what  you  lost  ; 
X  is  the  sum  that  you  bet  upon  trips  ; 
Y  is  the  youngster  who  collared  the  chips  ; 
Z  is  the  zeal  with  which  one  will  expend 
Time,  money  and  gaslight  to  do  up  a  friend. 

TAMBO— Poker  is  all  guess  work,  it's  palmistry;  trying  to  read  other  peoples' 
hands.     I  wish  I  could  read  my  hand  and  find  out  who  I  am. 
MID — Find  out  who  you  are  ?    Why,  don't  you  know  ? 
TAMBO— No;  I  belong  to  the  most  mixed-up  family  you  ever  heard  tell  of. 


76  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


I'm  so  mixed  up  that  I'll  commit  suicide  if  I  don't  soon  find  out  who  I  am  and 
where  I  am. 

MID — Tell  me  of  your  troubles;  perhaps  I  can  solve  the  problem  for  you. 

TAMBO — It's  all  through  marriage.  I  married  a  widow  who  had  a  grown  up 
daughter.  My  father  visited  our  house  very  often,  fell  in  love  with  my  step- 
daughter and  married  her.  So  my  father  became  my  son-in-law,  and  my  step- 
daughter, my  mother,  because  she  was  my  father's  wife,  and  sh  was  also  my 
mother-in-law.  Soon  afterwards  my  wife  had  a  son;  he  was  my  father's  brother- 
in-law  and  my  uncle,  for  he  was  the  brother  of  my  step- mother.  My  father's 
wife,  who  was  my  step-daughter,  had  also  a  son  ;  he  was,  of  course,  my  brother 
and  in  the  meantime  my  grandchild,  for  he  was  the  son  of  my  daughter.  My  wife 
was  my  grandmother,  because  she  was  my  mother's  mother.  I  was  my  wife's 
husband  and  grand-child  at  the  same  time.  (Begins  crying. ) 

MID — Well,  who  are  you  ? 

TAMBO — I  am  my  own  grandfather. 

WHAT  U)VB  WIIvIv  DO. 

END — I  attended  a  party  last  night,  and  a  married  man  next  to  me  got  himself 
disliked.  Some  one  passed  him  the  tongue  and  he  says:  No  thanks;  I  get 
plenty  of  that  at  home.  Say,  did  you  hear  about  it?  My  njpther-in-law  com- 
mitted suicide.  She  left  the  gas  turned  on  all  night  and  in  the  morning  she 
was  defunct. 

MIDDLE — That's  too  bad. 

BND — I  should  say  it  wras.     Seethe  gas  bill  I'll  have  to  pay . 

MID — I  did  not  know  that  you  were  married. 

BND — I'm  just  beginning  to  realize  it  myself. 

MID — Marriage,  Sir,  is  like  a  beautiful  dreani. 

END — That's  right;  you  go  into  it  with  your  eyes  shut.  But  oh  !  how  you  wake  up 
afterwards. 

MID — You  shouldn't  complain  ;  none  but  the  brave  deserve  the  fair. 

BND — It  takes  mighty  brave  men  to  get  along  with  them  after  you  deserve  them . 
A  man  never  gets  through  with  dressmaker's  bills  and  millinery.  You  don't 
see  any  more  "Jerseys  "  worn  now  do  you  ?  That  was  purely  an  American 
'  invention. 

MID — I  beg  to  differ;  they  were  made  and  worn  abroad. 

END — NO,  sir;  the  map  of  the  United  States  was  the  first  to  wear  a  New  Jersey. 
Are  you  married  ? 

MID— No,  but  I  expect  soon  to  be.        •> 

BND — Who  would  have  you,  I'd  like  to  know  ? 

MID — Ah  !  I  have  several  chances,  but  the  girl  I  want  for  a  wife  must  possess 
certain  qualities.  She  must  be  sensible  and  not  vain.  She  must  be  a  help- 
mate in  every  sense  of  the  word.  I  want  a  young  lady  for  a  wife  who  will  go 
down  in  her  mother's  kitchen  and  knead  bread  ! 

END — (Laughs. )     You  bet  your  life,  if  she  marries  you,  she'll  need  bread. 

MID — No,  sir  ;  for  a  good  wife,  I'd  live  on  bread  and  water,  and  (enthusiastically) 
if  we  love  each  other,  we'll  both  live  on  bread  and  water. 

END — Correct  again  !  She'll  have  to  furnish  the  bread,  and  you'll  manage  to  get 
&  pail  of  water  now  and  then. 

TWO  NOBLB  HBROBS. 

END — i  see  you  are  wearing  a  lot  of  medals  on  your  coat.     You're  not  Sousa  or  a 

hero  from  Manila,  are  you  ? 
MIDDLE — No  sir  !  but  I  am  a  famous  life-saver. 
BND— A  life  saver  ? 
MID— If  you  have  not  heard  the  story  I'll  tell  it  to  you.     I  chanced  to  be  down  at 

the  sea-shore  last  summer. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


END— You  chanced  to  be  there?     Sneaked  down,  did  you,  in  a  freight  car? 

MID— (Annoyed.)  Oh,  no!  As  I  said  before,  I  chanced  to  be  there,  and  while 
strolling  on  the  beach  I  saw  a  vacating  party  quite  a  distance  out.  Sud- 
denly a  treacherons  squall  swept  iti  from  the  sea.  The  yacht  was  instantly 
capsized.  I  heard  a  woman  scream  as  the  vessel  careened  and  they  were  cast 
into  the  sea.  What  did  I  do  ? 

END— low  stole  the  boat. 

MID — (Vexed.)  Nonsense!  I  instantly  plunged  into  the  water;  swam  out 
with  the  over-hand  stroke,  for  which  I  am  famous,  and  reached  one  of  the 
ladies  and  brought  her  safe  to  the  shore.  I  plunged  in  again  and  swam  out 
once  more. 

END  —With  the  same  underhanded  stroke  that  you  touch  with  ? 

MID— (Not  noticing  him.)  I  swam  thus:  (Illustrates  the  motion  and  becomes 
excited  and  dramatic. )  I  reached  another  lady  and  brought  her  safe  to  the 
beach.  Then,  sir,  I  plunged  in  again — (everybody  excited)  swam  out  to  what 
I  supposed  was  another  drowning  woman.  I  reached  out  and  grasped — what  ? 
A  lady's  switch  !  But  I  brought  it  ashore  and  presented  it  to  the  woman  who 
had  lost  it. 

END — And  you  call  yourself  a  life-saver  ?     You're  not  a  hero  nor  a  life-saver. 

MID— What  am  I? 

END — You're  a  hair  restorer. 


THE  NEW  HOTEL. 

RULES   AND    REGULATIONS 

END — If  you're  ever  hungry  and  sleepy,  come  down  to  my  new  hotel.      I'll  treat 

you  all  right. 

MID— So  you've  opened  a  hotel,  have  you  ?    Are  you  doing  well  ? 
END — As  well  as  could  be  expected      I   have  a  set  of  rules  and  regulations,  or  I 

could  never  run  it  at  all.     Would  you  like  to  hear  them  ? 
MID — I  certainly  would. 
END — Here  they  are:  (reads  from  paper.) 

ATTENTION,  BOARDERS,  STRANGERS  AND  GUESTS. 

Board,  50  cents  per  square  foot ;   meals  extra . 

Breakfast  at  five,  Dinner  at  six  and  Supper  at  seven. 

Guests  are  requested  not  to  speak  to  the  dumb  waiter. 

Guests  wishing  to  get  up  without  being  called,  can  have  self  raising  flour 
for  Supper  or  a  pint  of  yeast  to  rise  earlier. 

Not  responsible  for  diamonds,  bicycles  or  trunks  left  under  the  pillows.  Leave 
them  with  the  landlord. 

The  hotel  is  convenient  to  all  cemeteries.     Hearses  to  hire  at  25  cents  a  day. 

Guests  wishing  to  do  a  little  driving  will  find  a  hammer  and  nails  in  the 
closet. 

If  the  room  gets  too  warm  open  the  window  and  see  the  fire  escape. 

If  you're  fond  of  athletics  and  like  good  jumping,  lift  the  mattress  and  see  the 
bed  spring. 

Baseballists  desiring  a  little  practice  will  find  a  pitcher  on  the  stand. 

If  the  lamp  goes  out,  take  a  feather  out  of  the  pilloiu  ;  that's  light  enough  for 
any  room. 

Anyone  troubled  with  night-mare  will  find  a  halter  on  the  bed-post. 

Don't  worry  about  paying  your  bill ;  the  house  is  supported  by  its  foundations. 

We  do  not  ring  a  bell  for  breakfast,  we  wring  a  towel  or  let  the  napkin  ring. 

If  you  find  anything  valuable  in  the  soup,  please  return  it  to  the  landlord,  so 
he  can  use  it  again. 

Eggs,  two  cents  for  two  ;  each,  if  hatched,  one  cent  extra. 


78  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


If  you  wish  to  see  gaudy  insects  fluttering  in  your  room  to  remind  you  of 
summer,  get  some  bread  and  butter. 

It  is  the  grub  that  makes  the  butter-fly. 

Rooms,  with  or  without  floors,  walls  or  ceiling. 

At  the  table  if  you  wish  the  milk,  don't  yell  pass  the  cow  ;  somebody  will  take 
you  for  a  calf. 

If  you  are  from  (local  town),  blow  out  the  gas.   You  don't  know  any  better. 

A   DIFFICULT   PROBLEM. 

END — I  was  working  on  the  farm  la^t  summer  and  a  dude  came  up  to  me  and 
wanted  to  be  funny.  He  says:  "  Boy  !  bring  me  a  '  milk  shake  '  quick." 

MIDDLE — What  did  you  do? 

END — I  brought  him  the  churn  !     That  was  a  milk  shake      Are  you  married  ? 

MID — No,  sir;  and  don't  intend  to  be.     Marriage,  sir,  is  just  like  a  lottery. 

END — Oh,  I  don't  know  ;  you  don't  have  to  keep  4he^'lottery  ticket.  I  don't 
think  I'll  get  married  either.  My  young  lady  and  I  jure,  out.  I  had  a  tandem  and 
she  wouldn't  ride  on  the  front  seat. 

MID — Why  not  ? 

END — She  said  it  looked  too  forward.  How  funny  life  turns  out ;  it's  full  of 
"  izes." 

MID— Full  of  "izes?  "     I  don't  quite  understand  you. 

END — Then  I'll  "illustrasize"  it  for  you.  At  twenty  a  man  tlicorizes;  at 
forty  he  philosophers;  at  sixty  he  realizes  ;  also,  at  twenty  he  scrutinizes  all  the 
girls ;  at  twenty-two  he  idolizes  some  other  fellow's  sister  ;  at  twenty-six  he 
jeopardizes  his  neck  by  staying  out  late;  at  twenty-seven  he  paralizes  himself  if 
he  has  the  price.  So,  you  see,  life  is  full  of  'izes.'  Are  you  good  at  figures  and 
problems  ? 

MID — Yes  ;  I  am  counted  quite  clever. 

END — Take  out  your  paper  and  pencil  and  figure  this  out  for  me.  ( Middle 
with  pencil  and  card.)  Now  then,  a  man  of  thirty-five  years  old  marries  a  girl  of 
five. 

MID— Five  years  old?    Nonsense  ! 

END — Put  it  down.  A  man  of  thirty- five  marries  a  girl  of  five.  He  is  now 
five  times  as  old  as  his  wife. 

MID— Yes  ;  seven  times  five  are  thirty-five. 

END — They  live  together  five  years;  now  he  is  forty  and  she  is  ten  years  old, 
and  he's  only  four  times  as  old  as  his  wife. 

MID— Ten  times  four  are  forty;  go  on  ! 

END — They  live  together  five  years  longer.  Now  he's  forty-five  and  she's 
fifteen.  Now  he's  only  three  times  as  old  as  his  wife. 

MID — Yes,  sir.     Go  on;  you've  got  me  interested. 

END — They  live  together  fifteen  years  longer;  put  that  down.  Now  he  is 
sixty  years  old  and  his  wife  is  thirty  years  of  age.  Now  he's  only  twice  as  old  as 
his  wife. 

MID — (Anxiously.) — Yes,  yes;  go  on  !  He's  now  only  twice  as  o'd  as  his 
wife. 

END — Now  figure  it  all  up  and  tell  me  how  long  they  have  got  to  lire  together 
until  they're  both  of  the  same  age  ? 

(Middle  completely  floored  and  End  triumphantly  laughs  and  looks  at 
audience. ) 

BON  VOYAGE. 

END--  What  business  r.rj  ^ou  in?  I  saw  you  taking  a  lot  of  old  tin  cans  into 
a  grocery  store. 

MID — I'm  in  the  canning  business — canning  pears,  peaches  and  tomatoes. 

END — Is  that  so?  I'm  in  the  wholesale  dry  goods  business.  So  you're  in  the 
canning  business,  are  you?  What  do  you  do  with  such  a  whole  lot  of  pears  and 
peaches  ? 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  79 


MID — Well,  we  eat  what  we  can,  and  what  we  can't  eat  we  can.  (L,augbs  at 
his  witty  retort.) 

END — "Thoughtfully.) — Eat  what  you  can,  and  what  you  can't  eat  you  can! 
Just  like  my  business. 

MID— How? 

END — We  sell  an  order  when  \vc  can  sell  it  and  when  we  can't  sell  it,  why,  we 
can-eel  it.  (Laughs  derisively.  >  E  it  wliat  you  can,  and  what  you  can't  eat  you 
(an!  You? re  a  can-can  kind  of  a  chump,  you  are. 

MID — I  heard  that  you  went  to  Europe  last  summer.  Did  you  have  a  bon 
voyage /  .Strong  French  accent. ) 

END — The  bumincst  you  ever  saw. 

MID — I  mea-i  was  it  exhilara'ing? 

END— No  !     r  went  in  the  stccragi  . 

MID — You  don't  quite  comprehend  me.     Did  you  have  a  bon  voyage? 

END  —I  tell  you  it  was  very  bum  all  the  way  over. 

MID — "Bon  voyage"  means  a  good  trip,  a  splendid  voyage.  Friends  will 
stand  on  the  wharf  and  as  you  sail  awav  they  will  wish  you  a  bon  voyage. 

END — That's  what  you  mean,  is  it?  Well,  I  never  want  to  see  such  a  trip 
again.  The  first  day  out,  it  was  splendid.  Everybody  was  on  deck.  The  ladies 
swapping  magazines' ;  the  men  swapping  cigars  and  chews  of  tobacco.  It  was  a 
a  happy  family,  and  all  were  on  the  best  of  terms.  But  the  third  day  !  (Makes 
a  motion  with  hands  and  a  grimace  of  pain  shows  on  face. )  The  third  day  !  The 
ship  turned  a  somersault.  O'.i,  but  it  was  rough  and  stormy  !  All  the  passengers 
would  come  upon  deck  and  look  at  one  another  kind  of  suspicious  like.  They 
didn't  trust  one  another  or  care  to  be  friendly.  It  seemed  that  if  they  knew  any- 
thing about  one  another,  they'd  throw  it  up  right  away.  I  was  down  in  my  cell — 

MID — Not  cell,  state-room. 

END — Yes  ;  I'm  getting  the  tips  mixed.  I  was  very  sick.  I  was  just  able  to 
crawl  on  deck  and  holler  "  New  York  "  and  "Europe"  in  a  subdued  manner. 
Talk  about  your  bunt  voyage.  It  was  worse  than  that.  Everybody  was  sick.  The 
captain  and  even  all  the  sailors  were  sick.  I  felt  sorry  for  one  poor  sailor.  Oh  ! 
he  was  the  sickest  sick  sailor  on  the  ship,  and  I  felt  sorry  for  him  on  this  bum 
voyage . 

MID — (Correctingly.) — How  do  you  know  he  was  the  sickest  man  on  the 
•hip  ? 

END — Because  the  captain  ordered  him  to  go  forward  and  heave  up  the 
Mchort 


Section  UTL 

MONOLOGUES. 

In  this  section  will  be  found  many  novel  monologues,  etc.,  yet 
the  monologuist  is  not  confined  to  them,  as  the  gags  and  cross-fires  in 
Section  VI.  contain  many  bright  anecdotes  and  squibs  which  can  be 
made  to  become  part  and  parcel  of  an  original  monologue.  By  recalling 
a  number  of  these  short  happenings,  the  story-teller  will  be  able  to 
construct  any  number  of  monologues  upon  varied  subjects.  The  in- 
ventive entertainer  can  easily  arrange  some  original  patter  that 
will  consistently  lead  from  one  subject  to  another,  and  as  mono- 
loguists  have  a  wide  license  in  the  selecting  of  their  topics  or  chatter 
he  will  find  abundant  material  in  Sections  VI.  and  VII.  for  his  use. 


ARE  WOMEN  MORE  BEAUTIFUL  THAN  MEN? 

A  MONOLOGUE. 

I  have  been  asked  to  come  here  before  this  assemblage  of  graduates,  learned 
people,  bond  holders  and  the  sheriff,  who  is  concealed  somewhere  in  the  building, 
to  take  up  a  knotty  problem.  I  know  that  I  shall  get  myself  disliked  by  the  men 
and  I  shall  be  hated  by  the  women,  but  the  truth  is  mighty  and  must  prevail,  and 
my  maiden  name  is  Truth.  The  subject  is,  "Are  women  more  beautiful  than 
men  ?'  I  want  you  to  take  a  good  look  at  me  and  then  ask  such  a  silly  question; 
yet,  it  is  a  question  agitating  many  minds  and  must  be  sifted  at  once.  Are  women 
more  beautiful  than  men  ?  Do  men  stand  admiring  themselves  or  combing  their 
hair  for  hours  at  a  time  ?  Rubbing  rouge  on  their  faces;  salve  on  their  lips? 
Penciling  their  eyebrows  and  blackening  their  eyelashes;  do  they?  I've  seen 
them  black  each  others  eyes,  but  that  was  done  when  they  didn't  expect  it.  Do 
men  lace  themselves  so  tight  that  they  can't  sit  down  ?  They  get  tight,  I'll  admit, 
and  can't  stand  up,  or  get  up,  but  that's  not  through  lacing.  Its  through  fullness, 
that  has  been  accumulated  in  several  places.  You  ask,  "  Is  man  more  beautiful 
than  woman  !"  Go  to  the  menagerie  ;  look  around  you  !  The  lioness  is  a  very 
plain-looking  animal.  Look  at  the  Lion.  A  noble- looking  fellow,  with  a  mane 
and  a  superior  look  in  his  face.  Take  a  look  at  the  Peacock's  wife.  A  plain  ordi- 
nary looking  affair  ;  but  he,  the  gentleman,  the  Peacock  !  Isn't  he  a  beauty  ?  Isn't 
he  a  dream  ?  Talk  of  loveliness  !  Then  look  at  the  bird  of  Paradise,  gorgeous 
plumage  and  lovely  feathers  on  his  head.  He's  a  he  too  !  His  wife  looks  like 
thirty  cents.  Then  look  at  the  majestic  Rooster  in  the  barn  yard  !  What  a  dis- 
play of  beautiful  manhood  and  elegance.  What  does  the  hen  look  like?  She's  a 
sight !  She's  going  around  in  a  wrapper,  scratching  here  and  there,  and  talking  ; 
back-biting  her  neighbors  She  looks  up  to  her  husband  as  a  superior  being,  and 
she  knows  he  is.  She's  thankful  she's  alive,  for  she's  too  homely  to  die.  Look 
at  the  gentlemen-  Ostrich  !  See  him  strutting  about,  eating  nails,  horseshoes  and 
scrap  iron.  There  is  a  vision  of  manly  beauty,  and  his  wife,  a  little  sawed-off, 
measly-looking  bird,  with  hardly  enough  f  eathe  to  make  a  bustle.  Nothing 


THE    WlTMARK    MlNSTREIy    GUIDE.  8 1 


could  be  more  handsome  than  a  beautiful  man  !  Are  you  looking  at  Me  /  /  I  have 
taken  the  animals  as  an  illustration  and  a  proof. 

Now  we  come  to  the  next  generation  of  animals — man  !  Nobody  wants  to 
descend  from  monkeys,  but  sometimes  we  can't  help  that  which  our  ancestors  do, 
or  were.  I  am  not  here  to  go  back  into  my  family  tree  and  find  out  who  cut  up 
monkey-shines  in  it. 

We  hear  the  gabbling  of  this  one  or  that  one,  saying  that  woman,  the  beau- 
tiful creature,  chooses  her  mate.  And  that  often  she  marries  a  homely  man  !  In 
olden  times  man  stole  his  wife.  He'd  dash  right  in,  grab  whoever  he  could  and 
away  he  went.  Now-a-days  he  wishes  somebody  would  rush  in  and  steal  her  from 
him,  but  they  won't.  There's  where  times  have  not  improved.  I  said  primitive 
man  stole  his  wife;  later  on  he  bought  her.  He's  given  horses,  sheep  or  furs  to 
her  parents,  and  thus  bought  her.  Of  course  he  was  buncoed  ;  just  as  he  is  now- 
a-days.  She  didn't  care  about  his  looks  as  long  as  he  had  money  and  was  soft 
and  easy.  In  fact,  what  we  call  now-a-davs  "a  good  thing."  In  the  present 
century  woman  often  buys  a  husband.  »  All  she  gets  in  return  is  a  title,  a  broken- 
down,  moth-eaten  bargain-counter  duke  or  an  earl.  This  shows  that  man  is  still 
the  handsomest  creature,  or  why  would  they  go  across  the  ocean  after  him  and  give 
him  all  that  good  American  money — just  to  get  his  name?  There  is  no  doubt  that 
woman  is  very  beautiful,  artificially  or  accidentally,  and  they  are  called  the^"  fair 
sex  "  because  they  are  always  fair  in  dealing  with  the  men,  if  the  men  are  out  of 
their  reach.  Their  fancy  colored  silks,  satins,  false  hair,  manufactured  cheeks 
and  per-oxide  of  hydrogen,  blond  tresses,  of  course,  give  them  additional  charm, 
but  we  do  not  need  these  deceptions  to  increase  our  beauty.  We  do  not  sail  under 
false  colors.  You  see  us  just  as  we  are.  Our  beauty  speaks  for  itself,  and  we  are 
the  real  dairy  butter  and  not  oleo-margerine.  Are  woman  handsomer  than  men  ? 
Ask  this  question  of  one  another  and  look  around  you — upon  the  natural  beauty 
of  the  speaker  and  the  gentlemen  here  assembled.  An  old  English  law  states 
that  any  woman  with  false  hair,  false  color  on  cheeks,  defective  eyesight,  or  in 
any  way  passing  herself  off  as  a  beauty  and  natural  looking  woman  ;  and  luring 
a  poor  man  into  marriage,  why,  it  was  a  crime  and  the  marriage  was  null  and 
void.  A  fine  law,  a  good  law,  but  if  that  law  was  in  force  in  this  city,  what  a  lot 
of  old  maids  would  be  looking  for  work  !  (Exits.) 

GOATS. 

A    MONOLOGUE. 

I  see  that  another  wonderful  medical  discovery  has  been  made  which  will  give 
long  life  to  the  human  race.  Ages  ago  they  sought  for  the  elixir  of  life,  so  man 
could  live  for  ever.  Just  think  of  a  man  who  is  about  seventy  taking  the  new  dis- 
covery and  he  becoming  a  school  boy  at  once.  Cheating  the  undertaker  and  every- 
body who  expects  him  to  croak.  Think  of  a  giddy  old  maid  of  sixty,  gulping 
down  the  elixir  and  sailing  in,  capturing  all  the  men  from  the  grass  widows  and 
young  flirts  This  time  the  elixir  of  life  has  been  discovered  in  goats,  and  in 
Chicago.  The  goat  has  a  strong  constitution  and  never  dies;  therefore,  he  is  the 
very  one  to  prolong  life  in  the  human  race.  Wherever  goats  are  abundant,  you 
will  see  eternal  life  and  life  blooming  around  you.  This  has  been  successfully 
tried  in  Chicago  and  it  worked  all  right.  •  They  always  work  you  all  right  in  Chi- 
cago. This  goat  lymph  or  "  Life  cells  "  as  is  called,  is  a  great  thing  for  mankind. 
One  dose  of  it  will  make  a  man  butt  his  mother-in-law  down  stairs  and  eat  up  all 
the  old  tomato  cans  and  posters  off  the  wall,  especially  if  they  advertise  a  burlesque 
show.  Any  father  can  be  harnessed  to  a  little  wagon  and  used  as  a  "goat"  to 
amuse  children  of  a  younger  age.  It  has  been  tried  and  proven  to  be  the  real  thing 
in  Chicago.  *  But  the  experimenters,  with  commendable  caution,  first  made  up 
their  minds  to  carry  out  the  process  known  as  'trying  it  on  the  dog."  A  canine  of 
fourteen  years  was  made  the  recipient  of  these  "  Life  cells  "  through  the  medium 
of  hyperdermic  injections.  And  lo!  his  doggish  age  was  transformed  into  the  live- 
liness of  the  frolicsome  puppy.  He  capered.  He  barked  joyously.  He  chased 


82  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 

his  own  tail  in  wild  abandon.  He  chewed  up  all  the  rugs  and  old  boots  in  reach 
with  a  keen  appetite.  And  the  disciples  of  science  were  satisfied  that  at  length  they 
had  discovered  a  sure  method  to  forestall  the  approach  of  age  and  turn  tottering 
senility  into  the  pulsing  glow  of  youth.  Several  human  beings  have  been  inocu- 
lated with  this  wonderful  lymph,  and  confident  hopes  are  entertained  that  they 
will  presently  show  themselves  as  responsive  to  its  influence  as  the  dog.  If  this 
proves  to  be  the  case,  life  insurance  companies  may  go  out  of  business  and  fhe 
doctors  can  pull  in  their  shingles.  Nobody  will  grow  old  or  die.  All  that  will  be 
necessary  to  insure  perpetual  youth  will  be  the  ownership  of  a  healthy  goat,  war- 
ranted not  to  butt. 

It  is  indeed  a  thrilling  thought,  and  there  will  always  be  an  explanation  here- 
after of  any  erratic  conduct  on  the  part  of  Chicago's  citizens.  If  any  of  their 
number  should  be  arraigned  before  a  Magistrate  for  too  much  hilarity  he  can  repel 
the  charge  of  intoxication  with  scorn .  It  will  merely  be  a  case  of  too  much  goat. 

FLIRTATION  AND  ITS  CONSEQUENCES. 

A  SHORT  MONOLOGUE  PREFACE. 

I  have  just  a  few  words  to  say  about  flirting .     Girls  don't  do  it!     Better  remain 


get  even  by  being 

of  you.  But  remember  you  can't  wear  any  of  this  (pointing  to  self)  brother's 
clothes;  he  hasn't  too  many  of  'em  himself.  Here  is  a  little  poem  on  flirting. 
Mark  well  the  consequences. 

Man  sees  maid;  no  word  said. 

She  drops  glove;  he's  in  love. 

Hands  to  her,  •'  Thank  you,  sir." 
jhe  says  that.    He  lifts  hat. 
They  soon  talk;  then  take  walk. 
They  have  cream,  love's  young  dream. 
Out  with  moon,  how  they  spoon  ! 
"  Will  you  wed?"  She  nods  head. 
They  are  tied.     Life  they've  tried. 
Don't  like  it,  just  one  bit. 
Knot's  untied.     'Way  they  glide! 

WHAT  IS  A  KISS? 

A  MONOLOGUE. 

I  spent  the  summer  at  a  watering  place.  I  had  charge  of  it;  that  is  to  sa}*,  I 
had  to  keep  it  filled  with  water  so  the  horses  and  cows  could  drink  out  of  it.  My! 
but  it  was  warm.  I  had  to  keep  my  mouth  full  of  cracked  ice  to  keep  my  teeth 
from  melting.  It  was  so  hot  that  ice  cream  began  to  fry  and  boil  the  minute  it 
was  frozen  I  never  saw  such  hot  weather.  I  guess  the  thermometer  must  have 
been  sixty  degrees  below  (principal  treet).  But  for  all  that  I  enjoyed  myself  court- 
ing. I  can't  help  it;  I'm  so  susceptible.  Girls  tell  me  I'm  soft,  but  I  don't  believe 
it.  I've  got  a  confiding  nature,  and  if  they  fool  me  I'm  not  to  blame.  But  there 
I'd  sit  and  court  and  we'd  hold  hands.  What  is  nicer  than  to  see  a  couple  going 
along  the  street,  he  having  her  by  the  hand?  He  takes  her  by  the  hand;  and  if 
he's  married,  when  he  gets  home,  he  takes  her  by  the  neck.  As  I  said  before, 
we'd  court  and  I'd  stay  late.  I  would  have  stayed  later  but  I  was  afraid  her  father 
would  kick.  Her  father  called  me  a  soda  water  man;  that  is  the  first  time  I  ever 
knew  I  looked  like  n.  squirt.  He  once  threatened  to  turn  the  gas  off;  that  would 
just  suit  me.  We  didn't  need  any  light,  for  they  say  love  is  blind.  To  prove  that 
love  is  blind  or  isn't  blind,  I  was  passing  the  parlor  floor,  where  a  young  man  was 
courting  her  sister,  and  it  was  quite  dark  in  there  I  heard  her  say:  "Oh  George! 
you  haven't  been  shaved  to-day."  How  did  she  know  he  hadn't  been  shaved? 


THE    WlTMARK    MINSTREL   GUIDE.  83 


I  distinctly  heard  them  kiss  each  other.  It  sounded  like  a  cow  drawing  her  foot 
out  of  the  mud.  It  must  have  loosened  all  her  back  teeth.  But  what  is  a  kiss  ? 
Don't  you  know?  A  kiss  is  an  application  of  two  heads  and  four  lips;  they  create 
a  spark  of  electricity,  which  generates  a  blaze  of  love  and  a  flame  of  admiration 
and  a  ' '  hot  time ' '  in  your  heart ;  which  burns  with  the  fires  of  Cupid.  What  is 
love  ?  Love  is  an  itching  of  the  heart,  and  you  can't  scratch  it  out. 


STUMP  SPEECHES. 


WOMAN'S  TONGUE. 

THIS  CAN  ALSO  BE  USED  FOR  A   MONOLOGUE. 

Fellow  citizens,  sceptics,  Cubans  and  Filipinos: — I  have  been  called  upon  to 
address  this  assemblage,  and  I  may  as  well  commence — by  beginning .  Now,  we 
hear  of  strikes  every  now  and  then,  but  strikes  are  no  new  things.  Cain's  strike 
was  a  bad  thing  for  both  Abel  and  Cain.  A  blacksmith  once  struck  "  while  the 
iron  was  hot"  and  people  have  been  talking  about  it  ever  since.  George  Wash- 
ington went  on  a  strike  in  1776,  and  he  won  it  without  any  arbitration.  No  man 
ever  succeeded  in  a  strike  against  his  mother-in-law,  or  striking  for  pie.  Having 
begun  with  strikes,  I'll  now  strike  into  my  subject.  My  dear  hearers,  there's 
nothing  destroys  so  many  lives,  as  death.  Some  people  are  killed  by  accident, 
and  some  in  battle  ;  some  are  lost  at  sea  and  some  are  devoured  by  wild  beasts  ; 
but,  my  hearers,  it  is  a  solemn  truth,  that  nothing  kills  so  many  as  death.  Aye, 
death  has  been  at  work  ever  since  sin  entered  the  world,  and  has  destroyed  mil- 
lions on  millions  of  the  human  family.  Lots  of  people  died  this  year  who  never 
died  before.  In  view  of  all  this  and  hotel  fires,  I  have  pasted  the  following  hotel 
regulations  in  my  boarding  house  :  Guests  jumping  from  fifth-story  windows  will 
be  charged  extra.  In  the  office  of  the  hotel  is  a  large  fire-proof  safe  ;  the  propri- 
etor will  not  be  liable  for  any  guest  who  does  not  deposit  himself  in  it  for  the 
night.  Fire-pumps,  served  in  the  rooms,  charged  extra.  But  that  is  neither  here 
nor  there.  I  started  in  to  address  this  assemblage  on  the  crisis  and  expansion  of 
territory,  on  imperialism  and  the  board  of  strategy  in  general.  To  show  you  the 
memory "ahcTTapidity~~of  the  American  people,  I  will  relate  the  following:  A 
Delaware  farmer  sent  his  ten-year  old  boy  to  the  spring  after  a  pitcher  of  water. 
The  boy  hid  the  pitcher  near  the  spring  and  went  away  to  the  West  and  grew  up 
with  the  country.  Fifteen  years  later  he  sold  a  thousand  long-horned  steers  and 
started  for  his  old  home.  Stopping  at  the  spring  he  found  the  pitcher  just  as  he 
had  left  it  when  he  went  away  mad.  He  filled  it,  and  walking  beneath  the  par- 
ental roof  like  the  prodigal  from  Squedunk  said  :  "  Father,  here  is  the  pitcher  of 
water."  "  Thanks,  my  son,"  said  the  thirsty  ancestor,  "  you  always  were  a  quick 
boy  to  go  on  an  errand." 

Now,  always  remember  that  woman's  tongue  is  her  sword,  and  she  never  lets 
it  rust  in  the  scabbard.  What  does  man  want  ?  All  he  can  get.  What  does  a 
woman  want?  All  she  can^t  get.  Once  a  Boston  woman,  tall,  thin,  \vith  false 
curls  and  sour  visage,  sat  in  a  restaurant  and  beside  her  sat  her  husband,  a  meek, 
demure-looking  man.  Presently  a  man  at  another  table  roared  out:  "Waiter! 
fetch  the  vinegar  bottle.''  Then  the  little  man  turned  to  his  wife  and  said: 
"  Dovey,  somebody  wants  you."  Now  see  the  difference.  A  man  in  New  York 
was  arrested  for  trying  to  set  his  wife  on  fire.  That's  the  meanest  way  a  man  can 
take  to  make  it  warm  for  his  wife.  Another  young  lady  who  was  being  treated  to 
ice  cream  for  the  first  time,  was  asked  by  her  young  man  how  she  liked  it.  She 
fny>  :  "It  tastes  very  good,  but  I  alwav;  prefer  my  pudding  hot  "  She  was  from 
'local  town  near  by.)  Now  the  meanest  way  a  girl  can  treat  a  young  man  is 
to  refuse  his  offer  of  marriage,  writing  it  to  him  on  a  postal  card.  It  shows  she 


84  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


does  not  care  two  cents  for  him.  A  girl  who  was  locked  in  her  sweetheart's  arms 
for  nearly  two  hours  says  it  wasn't  her  fault.  She  says  he  forgot  the  combination. 
But  that  is  neither  here  nor  there.  This  is  the  age  of  cheapness  and  economy. 
For  ten  cents  a  man  can  get  his  shirt  washed  or  a  drink  of  whiskey.  That  accounts 
for  so  many  dirty  shirts  worn  in  this  town.  But  I  want  to  say  right  here,  that  this 
is  the  age  of  progress,  invention.  "  go-ahead — ac-tive-ness, "  electricity  and  mech- 
anism. You  can  do  anything.  You  can  stop  Niagara  Falls  with  a  few  planks,  you 
can  dip  up  the  Atlantic  with  a  teaspoon, you  can  hold  yourself  out  at  arm's  length, 
you  may  flit  from  star  to  star  or  from  Pole  to  Pole.  From  North  Pole  to  barber 
pole,  from  satellite  to  Israelite.  You  may  lasso  a  comet  or  ride  bareback  on  a 
melting  rain-bow,  you  may  harness  a  wild  tornado  or  capture  a  blizzard  in  a  pill 
box,  you  can  pull  down  the  sun  and  squeeze  the  moon  into  a  potato  bag,  you  can 
put  out  the  fires  of  Mount  Vesuvius  with  a  cup  of  water,  but  you'll  never  put  a  stop 
to  woman's  tongue  !  (Strikes  table  with  umbrella  and  exits). 


THE  MOUSE. 
STUMP  SPEECH  FOR  I,ADIES. 

I/adies !  I  again  exclaim,  ladies  !  Your  attention,  please,  as  I  am  speaking  to 
you  only,  and  not  that  which  is  seated  beside  you.  The  men  are  not  in  this,  and 
I  am  not  addressing  them  either.  They  are  too  insignificant  to  be  noticed  by  me. 
I  won't  even  address  them  as  men,  but  I'll  call  them,  it  or  that  or  those,  and 
you' 
woman' 
your  rights 

walk  on  it's  neck  until  it  shouts  as  did  Spain:  "I  surrender  !  "  Be  masters,  be 
your  own  conquerors  and  hold  the  insect  called  "man  "  in  the  chains  of  obedience. 
L/et  him  know  that  we  are  the  real  people,  and  he  is  but  a  yellow  dog  under  the 
band  wagon .  Let  us  look  around  and  see  what  has  been  accomplished  ?  What 
have  we  done  for  ourselves  ?  Have  we  done  man  sufficiently  ?  Of  what  use  is  he  ? 
Can  anyone  tell  me  what  he  was  created  for  ?  Where  does  he  come  in  ?  Of  course 
somebody  has  got  to  pay  our  board.  Somebody  has  got  to  pay  for  our  new 
dresses,  bonnets,  jewelry,  ice  cream,  candy,  suppers,  theatres  and  excursions. 
That  is  why  man  was  put  upon  this  earth.  All  evils  have  their  uses,  all  animals, 
no  matter  how  venomous  are  here  for  a  purpose.  Man  was  placed  here  for  a  rug 
for  us  to  wipe  our  feet  upon.  Will  you  tell  me  of  what  use  it  is  besides  this? 
(Pause.)  Speak  out!  What  are  you  afraid  of?  If  you  lose  the  fellow  you've  got 
here  to  night,  you  can  get  a  dozen  more  to-morrow  !  The  idiots  are  waiting  to  be 
gathered  up !  To  see  the  important  airs  assumed  by  a  man  is  enough  to  give  a 
progressive  woman  a  fit,  or  a  spasm,  or  the  chills  and  fever  He  thinks  we're 
crazy  after  him,  the  fool  !  He  allows  us  to  sit  on  his  lap  until  his  limbs  are  dead 
from  his  knees  down.  Then  later,  after  he  has  coaxed  us  to  marry  him  and  we 
sit  on  his  lap  he  says:  "Oh,  Gertrude,  you  are  so  heavy."  Couldn't  you  slap  his 
face?  I  could.  And  when  he's  courting  us,  hear  the  lies  he  tells  us,  and  we,  like 
chumps,  believe  every  word  There  is  where  we  are  weak.  Sisters,  we  have  got 
to  shake  this  ungrateful  monster  called  man.  You  can  get  along  without  it,  if 
you'll  only  try.  It  doesn't  cut  any  ice.  It  tries  to  blame  everything  on  us. 
After  it  is  married  to  us  and  it  stays  out  late  and  we  reprimand  it  about  it,  with 
a  poker  or  a  flat  iron,  it  says  it's  our  fault  that  it  stays  out  late.  That  when  he 
was  courting  us  and  he'd  start  to  go  home,  we'd  say:  "Don't  go  yet;  you've  got 
plenty  of  time,"  and  we'd  hold  him  at  the  front  door.  Of  course  it's  a  base  fab- 
rication. I  never  held  anyone  there.  When  he  wanted  to  go,  I'd  sit  on  him 
quick,  and  he  couldn't  go.  Did  you  ever  hear  such  a  petty  larceny  excuse  in  all 
your  life?  We  taught  him  to  stay  out  late.*  And  now  that  he's  married,  he  can't 
break  himself  of  the  habit.  Girls,  break  his  head  with  a  nice  fat  rolling-pin. 
And  hit  him  on  top  of  his  thinking  place.  Don't  be  afraid  to  hit  him  hard. 
You'll  look  sweet  dressed  in  black,  and  maybe  you'll  get  his  life  insurance,  too. 


THE   WlTMARK   MINSTREL  GUIDE.  /  -  85 


But  I  am  here  to  better  your  condition,  to  elevate  you,  to  obtain  for  you  your 
rights.  You  have  as  many  rights  as  a  man.  Be  sure  you  get  your  rights;  forcibly 
if  you  must,  but  get  them  any  way.  The  cunning  wretches  take  mighty  good 
c?.re  that  we  take  their  names;  nobody  else  would,  I  guess.  We  take  their  names! 
It  ought  to  be  reversed.  They  ought  to  take  our  names,  for  sometimes  every- 
thing a  man  has  got  is  in  his  wife's  name.  Are  you  going  to  stand  his  tyranny  ? 
Are  you  going  to  be  under  man's  foot  all  your  lives?  Assert  yourself  !  As  you 
are  going  home  to-night,  and  he  like  a  viper,  whispers  in  your  ear :  "Will  you 
have  some  ice  cream,  dear  ?  "  Turn  on  him  !  Let  indignation  flash  from  your  eyes, 
and  hiss  at  him  :  "No  !  I  can  buy  my  own  ice  cream."  But  will  you  do  it?  Will 
you  rebuke  him  ?  Those  girls  in  the  audience  who  will  rebuke  him  thus,  please 
stand  up !  (Pause,  then  louder.)  I  say,  those  who  will  not  have  ice  cream  front 
any  man,  stand  up!  That'll  do;  sit  down.  Nobody  stood  up.  You're  afraid  to 
lose  a  good  thing,  von 're  afraid  the  poor,  mushy,  soft  fool  at  your  side  would 
leave  you.  You  couidu  t  club  linn  away.  He  s  a  leech,  a  sucking-plaster*  a 
necessary  evil  in  tne  ice  cretin  line,  i  stand.  Here,  boid  and.  ueuct^L,  ana  like 
Ajax  defying  the  lightning.  I  hurl  my  abuse  at  the  men.  Here  I  stand  like  the 
rock  of  Gibraltar.  Not  ten  millions  of  hated  men  could  make  me  move. from  my 
position.  Like  dirt  under  my  feet,  I  spurn  them  ;  bid  them  come  on  !  I'll  show 
you  what  one  brave  woman  can  do.  One  brave  woman  whom  man  can  never 
intimidate,  one  brave  woman — (suddenly  screams.) — Oh,  a  mouse,  a  mouse! 
(Gathers  up  skirts  and  dashes  off  stage  yelling  :  Police!  Help  me!  Can  show 
part  of  funny  pantalettes  in  hurried  exit ). 


MARK  ANTHONY'S  ORATION. 

HUMOROUS  Sl'KlX'H. 

Friends,  Romans,  Countrymen  !  Lend  me  your  ears.  I  will  return  them  next 
Saturday.  I  come  to  bury  Caesar  because  the  times  are  hard  and  his  folks  can't 
afford  to  hire  an  undertaker.  The  evil  that  men  do  lives  after  them,  in  the  shape 
of  progeny,  who  reap  the  benefit  of  their  life  insurance.  Brutus  has  told  you 
Caesar  was  ambitious.  What  does  Brutus  know  about  it?  It  is  none  of  his  funeral. 
Would  that  it  were.  Here  under  leave  of  you  I  come  to  make  a  speech  at  Caesar's 
funeral.  He  was  my  friend,  faithful  and  just  to  me.  He  loaned  me  $5  once,  when 
I  was  in  a  pinch  and  signed  my  petition  for  a  post  office.  But  Brutus  says  he  was 
ambitious.  Brutus  should  wipe  off  his  chin.  Caesar  hath  brought  many  captives 
home  to  Rome,  who  broke  rock  on  the  streets,  until  their  ransoms  did  the  gen- 
eral coffers  fill.  When  the  poor  hath  cried  Caesar  hath  wept,  because  it  didn't 
cost  him  anything,  and  it  made  him  solid  with  the  gang.  Ambition  should  be 
made  of  sterner  stuff, yet  Brutus  says  he  was  ambitious.  Brutus  is  a  liar,  and  I  can 
prove  it.  You  all  did  see  that  on  the  Bowery  I  thrice  presented  him  with  a  kingly 
crown,  which  he  did  thrice  refuse,  because  it  did  not  fit  him  quite.  Was  this  am- 
bition ?  Yet  Brutus  says  he  was  ambitious.  Brutus  is  not  only  the  biggest  liar 
in  the  country,  but  he  is  a  horse  thief  of  the  deepest  dye.  If  you  have  any  tears 
prepare  to  shed  them  now.  You  all  do  know  this  ulster.  I  remember  the  first 
time  Caesar  put  it  on  ;  it  was  on  a  summer's  evening  in  his  tent,  with  the  ther- 
mometer registering  90  in  the  shade.  But  it  was  an  ulster  to  be  proud  of  and  cost 
him  $7  at  (local  clothing  store)  sign  of  the  red  flag  The  old  man  wanted  $40 
for  it,  but  finally  came  down  to  $7  because  it  was  Caesar.  Was  this  ambition  ? 
If  Brutus  says  it  was  he's  a  greater  liar  than  Aguinaldo.  Look  !  In  this  place, 
ran  Cassius'  dagger  through.  Through  this  place,  the  son-of-a-gun  of  a  Brutus 
stabbed  ;  and  when  he  drew  his  cursed  steel  away,  mark  how  the  blood  of  Caesar 
followed  it.  I  came  not,  friends,  to  steal  away  your  hearts.  I'm  not  the  thief 
Brutus  is.  He  has  a  monopoly  on  all  that  canned  beef  business,  and  if  he  had. his 
deserts,  he  would  1-e  in  the  penitentiary,  and  don't  you  forget  it,  for  life  !  Kind 
friends,  sweet  friends  !  I  do  not  wish  to  stir  you  up  to  such  a  flood  of  mutiny,  nor 
do  I  want  you  to  go  back  on  Brutus,  David  Hill,  Grover  Cleveland,  Tom  Platt  or 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


any  of  the  senators.  I  merely  want  you  to  step  on  Brutus'  neck  and  keep  your 
feet  on  it  for  a  week.  As  it  looks  like  rain  the  pall  bearers  will  place  the  coffin  in 
the  "Bier"  wagon  and  will  proceed  to  bury  Caesar  in  (local  cheap  hotel.) 
(Points  off  and  e.rits}. 


HOW    ADAM    AND    EVE    TURNED    WHITE. 
A  DARKEY'S  SERMON  TO  HIS  CONGREGATION. 
To  be  delivered  in  a  slow-loud  tremulous  voice. 


I' 

black  as  you 

and  Eve,  sot'em  in  de  Garden  ob  Edem,  dat  de  Lawd  he  tol'  em  bofe  dat  dar  was 
a  sartin  tree  dar  and  dat  dey  musn't  eat  none  of  eet's  fruit.  Dis  tree,  it  'pears  to 
ine,  if  I  don't  disremember,  eet  bared  a  kind  'er  apple.  You  know  same  as  me, 
dat  a  woman  's  a  powerful  curus  pusson.  She  allus  like  to  be  a-peekin'  and  a 
pryin'  into  something  or  other — no  matter  whether  it  consarns  her  or  not.  Ole 
Miss  Eve — dat  dar  was  oleman  Adam's  wife — she  warnt  to  be  stopped  from  nothin'. 
'Twant  long  afore  she  knowed  dat  de  Lawd  didn't  want  her  to  meddle  wif  dem 
np'xes  dat  she  went  and  made  a  pie  and  sort  er  bobbecued  some  of  the  Lawd's 
apples.  She  did  this,  for  truth.  'Twant  no  yarn  dat  some  of  de  mean  white  folks 
have  brung  agin  ole  Miss  Eve.  She  sartinly  did  get  de  Lawd's  apples.  When 
datole  woman  don  got  'em,  sure  enough,  de  Lawd  he  war  monstrous  mad.  He 
put  all  de  blame  on  ole  Adam,  'cause  de  Lawd  he  sorter  think  dat  ole  man  Adam 
oughter  have  took  better  care  of  ole  Miss  Eve  dan  to  'low  her  to  bobbecue  de 
Lawd's  apples.  When  de  pair  of  'em  had  done  eat  de  apples  dey  crope  off  and  hid 
in  de  bushes.  Dey  war  so  scared  of  de  Lawd,  dat  scared  ain't  no  name  for  de 
business.  Dey  war  so  scared  dat  dey  turned  deef  and  den  dey  turned  white  Dey 
neber  did  'zactly  git  over  their  scare.  Dey  did  git  to  hearin'  ag'in,  but  their  skins 
never  did  get  colored  no  more,  and  dat  am  how  de  white  man  come  here.  He's 
white  because  of  de  meanness  of  ole  man  Adam  and  ole  Miss  Eve.  But  let  me  go 
on  wif  my  history.  When  deLawd  done  found  out  dat  dese  ole  pussons  had  done 
eat  some  of  his  apples,  he  war  monstrous  mad.  He  yell  out:  "Yo'  Adam!"  but 
'pears  Mr.  Adam  he  didn't  hear.  Den  de  Lawd  ses,  ses  he:  "  Adam,  why  yo'  eat 
my  apples,  sah?  Is  you  so  deef  you  can't  hear  nuffin',  or  is  you  gone  foolish,  sah  ? 
You  go  right  away  and  bring  Miss  Eve  here,  sah;  gyarments  or  no  gyarments!" 

My  friends,  you  mought  say  dat  ar  war  powerful  bad  manners  of  de  Lawd. 
But  den  de  Lawd  ain't  agawine  to  be  fooled  with.  When  He's  plum  mad  he 
don't  spar'  no  one.  Bime-by  up  crope  ole  Miss  Eve  walkin'  sorter  behind  ole  man 
Adam,  and  kind  of  giggling  and  peeking  over  de  ole  man's  shoulder.  When  dey 
done  come  up  to  de  Lawd,  de  Lawd  he  ses,  ses  he:  "  You's  both  a  par  of  no  count 
triflin  niggers.  You  done  stole  my  apples,  and  you's  fixin'  to  git  my  chickens 
jiext.  Git  outer  dis  garden  bofe  of  you,  and  never nc6me~b3c~kr-here-jio  more  for 
nuthin',  not  even  for  your  gyarments.  Git  out  from  here  quick."  Den  de  Lawd 
showed  'em  de  gate,  and  give  de  ole  debil  de  job  ter  watch  dat  gate,  to  see  dat 
neider  Miss  Eve  nor  Mr.  Adam  come  in  dar  no  more.  And  Miss  Eve,  she  was 
forced  to  sit  in  de  bushes  outside  dat  gate,  't'well  Mr.  Adam,  he  done  made  'em 
some  new  gyarments.  And  while  Mr.  Adam,  he  sewed,  Miss  Eve  she  sang  dat 
good  ole  hymn:  "  I  Loves  to  steal  awhile." 

And  dat,  my  friends,  am  de  trufe  of  de  trouble  what  ole  man  Adam  had  wif 
de  Lawd,  and  de  history  of  how  de  white  man  come  here.  Bofe  Miss  Eve  and  Mr. 
Adam  dey  war  so  scared  dat  dey  never  got  back  their  color  no  more.  Some  of 
their  young' uns  war  black  and  some  war  white,  most  same  as  you  often  see  an  ole 
white  hen  with  a  hull  gang  of  chickens,  some  white  and  some  black.  Don't  fool 
with  de  Lawd,  my  friends,  else  he'll  scare  you  so  bad  dat  you'll  be  arunnin'  around 
looking  foolish,  jest  same  as  de  mean  white  trash. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  87 


CONUNDRUMS. 

ESPECIALLY   ARRANGED   FOR  LADIES  AND  JUVENILE   MINSTRELS. 

In  telling  these  the  End  man  asks  the  question,  the  Middle  man  responds:  "I 
do  not  know,"  and  repeats  the  question,  which  is  answered  by  the  End  man. 
(Example): 

END—"  If  your  sister  fell  in  a  well,  why  couldn't  you  rescue  her?" 

MIDDLE — "I  don't  know.  If  my  sister  fell  in  a  well,  why  couldn't  I  rescue  her?" 

END  — "  Because  you  could  not  be  her  brother  and  a-ssist  her  too." 

What  reptile  is  up  in  arithmetic  ? 
The  adder. 

When  is  the  army  like  a  tuck  in  a  lady's  skirt  ? 
When  it  is  hemmed  in. 

Why  should  a  man  never  be  trusted  for  a  hat? 
Because  he  is  then  over  head  and  ears  in  debt. 

When  is  an  old  maid  like  a  segar  ? 
When  you  have  no  match  for  it. 

When  is  a  loaf  of  bread  inhabited? 
When  there's  Indian  meal  in  it. 

When  does  a  man  impose  on  himself  ? 
When  he  taxes  his  memory. 

What  word  is  pronounced  wrong  by  the  best  scholars  ? 
Wrong  of  course. 

Why  are  old  maids  the  most  charming  of  all  people? 
Because  they  are  matchless. 

Why  is  the  polka  like  bitter  beer? 
Because  there  are  so  many  hops  in  it. 

Why  is  an  angry  man  like  a  camel  ? 
Because  he's  got  his  back  up. 

Why  is  the  letter  (i P  "  like  a  sympathizing  friend? 
Because  it's  the  first  in  pity,  but  the  last  in  help. 

Why  is  the  sofa  your  father  is  sitting  upon  like  most  railway  stock  ? 
Because  it  is  below  pa.     (Par.) 

What's  the  hardest  thing  to  beat  ? 
A  hard  boiled  egg. 

Why  are  apples  the  enemies  of  pears  ? 

Because  it  was  an  apple  that  drove  a  pair  out  of  the  Garden  of  Eden. 

Why  did  Eve  swear  when  Adam  asked  to  kiss  her? 
Because  she  replied,  I  don't  care  A-dam  if  I  do. 

If  Satan  should  lose  his  tail  where  would  he  find  another? 
Where  they  re-tail  bad  spirits. 

Why  was  Noah  the  first  base  ball  player  ? 
Because  he  sent  the  dove  "  out  on  the  fly." 


SS  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


Why  was  it  useless  to  take  the  dogs  into  the  Ark  at  the  time  of  the  flood  f 
Because  they  had  barks  of  their  own. 

What  paper  has  the  largest  circulation  in  the  world  ? 
Paper  of  tobacco  ! 
Who  is  the  editor  ? 
Anybody  that  chews  ! 

When  does  a  farmer  double  a  sheep  without  hurting  it? 


When  is  a  shoemaker  like  a  doctor? 
When  he  is  heeling. 

Why  is  a  butcher's  cart  like  his  boots  ? 
Because  he  carries  his  caiics 


When  are  potatoes  used  for  mending  clothes? 
When  they  are  put  in  patches. 

Why  are  lawyers  like  fishes  ? 
Because  they  are  fond  of  de-bate. 

Why  are  troubles  like  babies  ? 
Because  they  grow  bigger  by  nursing. 

How  can  you  make  people  acknowledge  their  corn  ? 
Tread  on  their  toes. 

Why  is  a  minister  like  a  locomotive  ? 

Because  we  look  out  for  him  when  the  bell  rings. 

Why  should  a  bachelor  never  be  a  president  of  the  United  States  r 
Because  he  doesn't  believe  in  union. 

How  can  you  avoid  drowning  ? 
Always  keep  your  head  above  water. 

Why  is  a  new-born  baby  like  a  cow's  tail  ? 
Because  it  was  never  seen  before. 

What  is  a  mother-in-law  ? 

She  is  the  person  who  attends  to  the  pickles  and  preserves  the  family   sweet- 
icats  and  matrimonial  jars. 

Which  islands  are  good  to  eat  ? 
The  Sandwich  Islands. 

What  would  be  the  most  suitable  watch  for  a  farmer  ? 
An  eighteen  carrot  silver  turnip. 

Why  do  the  ladies  hate  parrots  ? 

Because  they  want  to  do  all  the  talking  themselves. 

What  is  the  funniest  burglary  on  record  ? 
Bursting  into  P  laugh. 

Why  does  a  duck  go  under  water  ? 
For  divers  reasons. 

What  ought  a  steamboat  captain  give  to  a  big  rascal  ? 
Give  him  a  wide  bci'th. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  89 


Why  are  some  of  the  bills  in  Congress  counterfeits  ? 
Because  they  have  such  difficulty  in  passing  them. 

How  can  you  cheat  the  enemy  in  battle? 
Charge  them  with  cavalry  which  they  never  get. 

If  two  fat  men  fall  out  of  a  third  story  window,  what  kind  of  a  vegetable  can 
you  raise  ? 

Two  large  squashes. 

What  will  make  a  pensive  husband  ? 
An  expensive  wife. 

What  is  always  ready  but  never  wanted  ? 
Old  maids. 

Why  is  a  palm  tree  like  an  almanac  ? 
Because  it  furnishes  dates. 

How  does  a  ghost  enter  a  room  that  is  locked  ? 
He  uses  a  skeleton  key. 

When  is  a  whip  most  likely  to  break  ? 
When  it  is  cracked. 

Why  is  the  fair  sex  in  winter  suspected  of  a  tendency  to  homicide  ? 
Because  they  are  fond  of  sleighing. 

Why  is  a  henpecked  husband  like  an  opera  hat  ? 

Because  he's  big  when  he  gets  out,  but  shuts  up  when  he  gets  home. 

What's  the  difference  between  a  novel  and  a  painted  damsel  ? 

One  is  read  because  it  is  interesting,  the  other  is  interesting  because  it  is  red. 

When  a  man  falls  out  of  window  what  does  he  fall  against  ? 
He  falls  against  his  will. 

Why  is  an  author  the  most  peculiar  of  animals  ? 
Because  the  tale  comes  out  of  his  head. 

Why  do  ladies  make  bad  telegraph  operators  ? 

Because  you  can't  prevent  them  from  having  the  last  word. 

Why  is  a  chair-maker  very  much  disliked  ? 
Because  people  get  down  on  his  works. 

Why  do  old  maids  make  the  best  euchre  players  ? 
Because  they  are  used  to  going  alone. 

What's  the  earliest  Spring  ? 

Jumping  out  of  bed  at  one  o'clock  in  the  morning 

When  is  a  ship  at  sea  not  on  the  water  ? 
When  she  is  on  fire. 

What  can  a  man  have  in  his  pocket  when  it's  empty? 
A  big  hole. 

Who  are  the  acrobats  in  every  household  ? 
The  pitcher  and  the  tumbler. 

What  length  ought  a  lady's  petticoat  be? 
A  little  above  two  feet. 


90  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 

xn  what  three  countries  are  most  books  bound  ? 
Morocco,  Turkey  and  Russia. 

What  ladies  light  up  well  at  night  ? 
Those  with  lantern  jaws. 

When  are  soldiers  like  good  flannels  ? 
When  they  don't  shrink. 

Why  is  an  old  coat  like  an  iron  kettle  ? 
Because  it  represents  hard  ware.     (Wear. ) 

What's  the  difference  between  a  mischievous  mouse  and  a  charming  young 
lady? 

One  harms  the  cheese  and  the  other  charms  the  hes. 

If  I  were  to  take  an  axe  and  knock  your  teeth  down  your  throat,  why  would 
you  forgive  me  for  it  ? 

Because  it  was  axe-i-dental. 

Why  are  bachelors  like  criminals  ? 
Because  they  hate  to  go  to  court. 

Why  is  a  solar  eclipse  like  a  woman  beating  her  boy  ? 
Because  it  is  a  hiding  of  the  son.     (Sun.) 

Why  is  a  lady  without  any  friends  unable  to  smoke  if  she  wanted  to  ? 
Because  she  hasn't  got  any  to-back  her. 

Why  is  a  pawnbroker  like  a  confirmed  drunkard  ? 
Because  he  takes  Out  pledge,  but  cannot  always  keep  it. 

Why  is  a  hog  the  most  extraordinary  animal  in  creation  ? 
Because  you  first  kill  him  and  then  you  cure  him . 

Why  did  Adam  bite  the  apple  ? 
Because  he  had  no  knife  to  cut  it  with . 

Why  are  ladies  like  bells  ? 

Because  you  never  find  out  their  metal  until  you  give  them  a  ring. 

Why  is  a  muff  like  a  fool  ? 

Because  it  holds  a  lady's  hand  without  squeezing  it. 

Why  is  an  overloaded  gun  like  an  office-holder  ? 
Because  it  kicks  awfully  when  it  is  discharged. 

Which  is  the  quickest  way  to  destroy  weeds  ? 
Marry  a  widow. 

Why  is  it  dangerous  to  walk  in  the  woods  in  early  spring  ? 
Because  the  trees  are  shooting. 

What  mechanic  outlives  all  others? 
The  shoemaker,  for  he  is  everlasting. 

Why  are  blacksmiths  never  satisfied  with  their  pay  ? 
Because  they  are  always  striking  for  wages. 

When  is  a  man  thinner  than  a  shingle  ? 
When  he's  a  shaving. 

Why  are  good  husbands  like  dough  ? 
Because  the  ladies  knead  them. 


THE    WlTMARK    MlNSTREl,    GUIDE. 


When  are  soldiers  covered  with  tar  ? 
When  they  engage  in  a  pitch  battle. 

Which  is  the  greatest  organ  in  the  world  ? 

The  organ  of  speech  in  a  woman,  for  it  is  an  organ  without  stops. 

What  is  it  that  has  a  mouth  and  never  speaks,  has  a  bed  and  never  sleeps? 
A  river. 

When  did  Adam  first  use  a  walking  stick  ? 
When  Eve  presented  him  with  a  cane.   ( Cain. ) 

Why  are  good  resolutions  like  fainting  ladies  ? 
Because  they  want  carrying  out. 

With  what  colors  would  you  paint  a  storm  at  sea  ? 
The  waves  rose  and  the  winds  blew 

Which  lady  is  never  dry  ? 

The  lady  with  a  cataract  in  her  eye,  a  creek  in  her  back  ;  forty  springs  in  her 
skirt;  high  tied  shoes;  swimming  in  tears;  with  a  single  (n}otwn  in  her  mind 
and  a  big  waterfall  on  her  head. 

What  dress  should  a  lady  have  to  keep  the  rest  of  her  wardrobe  clean  ? 
A  lawn  dress.     (Laundress.) 

Why  is  a  keg  of  beer  like  a  shoe  ? 
Because  it  must  be  tapped  before  it  is  soled. 

Why  is  a  confirmed  drunkard  like  a  vain  young  lady  ? 
Because  neither  is  satisfied  with  moderate  use  of  the  glass. 

Why  is  man  with  a  bad  cold  like  a  chest  ? 
Because  he  is  a  coffer.     (Cougher  ) 

Why  is  a  philanthropist  like  a  good  old  horse  ? 
Because  he  stops  at  the  sound  of  woe. 

Why  are  crows  the  noisiest  birds  we  know  of  ? 
Because  they  "carry  on  "  so  over  a  dead  animal. 

Which  is  the  largest  jewel  in  the  world  ? 
The  Emerald  Isle. 

Why  are  policemen  always  gloomy  and  sad  ? 
Because  they  look  blue. 

Why  are  printers  very  great  drinkers? 

Because  they  are  always  "setting  'em  up  again." 

Why  do  ladies  have  to  get  new  dresses  so  often  ? 
Because  they  are  worn  out  as  soon  as  they  get  them. 

What  animal  is  most  to  be  pitied  ? 

A  turtle;  because  it's  always  in  a  hard  case. 

Why  is  a  doctor  like  an  auctioneer  ? 

Because  the  articles  he  handles  are  continually  going,  going,  going. 

Why  is  a  dog  biting  his  tail  like  a  good  economist  ? 
Because  he  makes  both  ends  meet. 

Why  are  auctioneers  the  strongest  men  ? 

Because  they  can  knock  down  a  house  at  a  single  blow. 


92  THE   WlTMARK    MlNSTRKIv   GUIDE. 


Why  is  a  bankrupt  like  a  clock  ? 
Because  he  must  either  stop  or  go  on  tick. 

When  is  a  ship  like  a  manufacturer  of  wines  ? 
When  she's  making  Port. 

When  can  iron  be  made  into  sausages  ? 
When  its  Pig-iron. 

What  part  of  a  ship  is  like  a  farmer? 
The  Tiller. 

When  does  a  man  sneeze  three  times? 
When  he  can't  help  it. 

What  is  the  first  thing  a  young  lady  looks  for  in  church  ? 
The  Hymns  (hims). 

Why  is  Ireland  like  a  bottle  of  wine  ready  for  sale  ? 
Because  it  has  got  a  Cork  in  it. 

When  is  iron  like  a  bank  note  ? 
When  it  is  forged. 

What  day  in  the  year  is  a  command  to  go  ahead  ? 
March  4th      (Forth.) 

Why  are  chimney-sweeps  satisfied  with  their  business? 
Because  it  soots  them. 

In  what  ship  have  the  greatest  number  of  men  been  wrecked  ? 
Courtship. 

Wli^n  is  a  tired  man  like  a  thief  ? 
When  he  needs  a  resting. 

What  is  the  difference  between  a  fisherman  and  a  truant  schoolboy  ? 
One  bates  his  hook  and  the  other  hates  his  book 

When  does  a  bullet  resemble  a  sheep  ? 
When  it  grazes. 

What's  the  best  thing  out  for  real  comfort? 
An  aching  tooth. 

What  is  the  greatest  case  of  cannibalism  on  record  ? 
When  a  rash  man  ate  a  rasher. 

Why  is  a  fountain  like  the  Prince  of  Wales  ? 

Because  one  is  thrown  in  the  air  and  the  other  is  heir  to  the  throng. 

Spell  mouse-trap  with  three  letters  ? 
C-A-T. 

Who  sounded  the  first  bell  ? 
Cain  when  he  hit  A  del. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  93 


SQUIBS,  ETC. 

FUNNY  BITS  TO   BE  ADDED  TO  MONOLOGUES  OR  SPEECHES. 

For  economy's  sake  I  went  into  partnership  with  a  friend.  We  had  a  room 
together.  He  bought  a  stove  and  I  paid  a  mason  to  make  a  hole  in  the  wall.  We 
finally  fell  out  and  dissolved  partnership.  He  took  what  belonged  to  him  and 
I  took  what  belonged  to  me.  He  took  the  stove  and  left  me  the  hole  in  the 
wall. 

saw  suits 
She 
,  she 
leplied:  "  I  meant  business." 

"  Man  wants  but  little  here  below,"  and  he  generally  gets  it  where  I  am 
boarding  at  present.  ( 

Out  West,  when  they  marry  a  couple,  the  Justice  of  the  Peace  doesn't  waste 
time  with  a  lot  of  silly  questions.  He  just  says  :  "Arise!  Grab  hands!  Hitched!" 
Hands  over  six  dollars  to  the  Court,  and  you're  murdered  for  life  ! 

Some  people  say  that  dark-haired  women  marry  first.  I  differ  with  them . 
It's  the  light-headed  ones. 

There  is  about  as  much  satisfaction  kissing  through  a  telephone  as  there  is 
eating  soup  with  a  fork.  I  like  electricity  fresh  from  the  battery. 

A  scientific  writer  says  that  kissing  is  delightful  because  the  jaws  are  so  full 
of  nerves.  After  a  man  gets  married,  he  sort  of  wishes  nature  hadn't  put  so  many 
nerves  into  the  jaws. 

There  is  a  woman  in  Philadelphia  who  thinks  so  much  of  her  husband  that 
she  commences  warming  him  the  moment  he  conies  into  the  house. 

Take  my  advice.  Marry  for  love  and  not  for  money.  That's  the  way  to 
fill  the  Poor  House 

A  drunkard  lying  on  the  sidewalk  being  discovered  by  a  policeman  said  he 
was  studving  astronomy  because  he  was  thirsty.  He  said  he  was  looking  for  the 
Dipper. 

A   LITTLK   GIRL'S   COMPOSITION   ON   EGGS. 

A   RECITATION   IN   CHILD  TALK. 

Thair  is  a  good  menny  kinds  ov  aigs.  Mi  pa  sez  ime  a  bad  aig,  but  momma 
sez  yu  can't  most  always  beleve  what  pa  sez,  an'  i  think  this  is  a  goorl  chance  for 
me  tuoba  mi  muther,  az  the  Sundy  skule  teecher  sez  little  gurls  must  du.  Mebbe 
i  am  a  bad  aig,  but  mi  pa  is  a  ole  rewster,  fur  Tommie  Jones,  that's  mi  bo,  sez 
he  is,  an  ide  beleve  Tommie  if  i  dide  fur  it.  It's  mity  funny  how  gurls  beleves 
whot  the  boys  sez.  Wimmin  duzent  beleve  that  wa  ennyhow,  all  ov  them  don't 
after  tha  air  marryd,  fur  i  here  momma  expressin  her  douts  tu  pa  verry  frequent 
indede  When  aigs  gits  old  tha  carry  a  offul  smel  with  them  whairever  tha  go 
an  tha  go  a  long  wais  in  most  familys.  c  Evvery  kind  ov  fowl  lais  aigs.  Jo,  that's 
mi  bruther,  sed  the  fowels  the  basebal  players  nox  don't,  but  i  say  tha  du,  fur  i 
here  the  boys  tawkin  all  the  time  about givin  thother  side  "  guse  aigs,"  an'  if  the 
fowels  don't  la'  em,  what  duz,  ide  like  tu  no?  Mebbe  the  bats,  but  whuevver 
heard  of  bat's  aigs  ?  Bats  fit  like  uther  burds,  but  a  bat  ain't  a  burd  an'  don't  la' 
aigs  A  guse  aig  iz  the  largest  domestik  aig  an'  a  duk  aig  iz  grene  onto  the  shel. 
Hen  aigs  iz  nice  tu  fri,  an  hatch  little  chickens  out  ov,  an  oysterich  aig  iz  az  big 


94  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREI,  GUIDE. 


az  a  gallon  buckit,  bu  it  don't  hav  a  ball  onto  it  an  hoops.  Al  fethered  animals 
iz  hatched  out  ov  aigs  excep'  allygaters  an'  tertuls  an,  thoas  kind  ov  trash.  Mi 
sisterz  bo  woar  allygaiter  butes  thother  nite,  an  when  i  ast  him  whot  he  pade  fur 
them  he  blusht  red  an'  sed  he  didn't  remember.  I  wunder  if  he  pade  fur  them  a 
tall.  I  gess  he's  a  bag  aig.  I  here  pa  sa  he's  going  to  crak  his  shel  if  he  don't 
sta  way  an'  let  mi  sister  aloan. 


POEMS. 


TO   BEGIN   OR  INTRODUCE  IN   GAG. 

"Ouch,  I,ucy  !"  I  howled, 

"  You  love  me  no  more. 
You've  never  wore  pins 

In  your  belt  before." 


Although  athletic  girls  are  strong 
And  run  and  jump  and  row  ; 

A  girl  who  never  trained  at  all 
Can  draw  a  six-foot  beau. 


Once  more  the  cranks  are  filled  with  glee, 
Their  hearts  with  joy  are  aflame. 

Where'er  you  fly,  you'll  hear  the  cry, 

"  The  (local)  ball  club  have  won  a  game." 


The  stories  of  the  kissing  bug 
Aroused  in  her  no  fears, 

For  she  a  maiden  lady  was 
Of  forty  some  odd  years. 


'Twixt  a  blonde  and  brunette  I've  a  call 
To  declare  upon  whom  choice  would  fall, 

But  between  you  and  me, 

I've  no  choice — for  you  see 
I'm  in  love— bless  their  hearts— with  them  all. 


Kate  Karney  011  a  summer's  day 

Went  out  in  the  meadow  to  rake  the  hay  ; 

She  wasn't  afraid  of  the  bumble  bee, 

For  her  bloomers  were  tied  below  the  knee. 


Husband  comes  home  at  night, 

Get's  a  kiss— that's  all  right ; 

Playful  wife  on  his  knee, 

Gayly  chatting,  waiting  tea. 

Sudden  start,  and  a  stare. 

On  his  coat  she  sees  a  hair; 

Hair  is  red — hers  is  black — 

Regular  row.  for  talking  back. 

Husband  goes  out,  mad  as  a  bull, 

When  he  comes  back,  he's  "  boiling  full." 


A  little  bag.— a  pair  of  skates — 
Hole  in  the  ice— Golden  gates. 

When  the  pug  dog  sits  in  Edith's  chair, 
Oh,  don't  I  wish  that  I  was  there  ; 
When  her  fingers  pat  his  head, 
Oh,  don't  I  wish  'twere  mine  instead  • 
When  her  arms  his  neck  imprison, 
Don't  I  wish  my  neck  were  AzVw, 
But,  when  she  kisses  that  pug  dog's  nose, 
Oh.  don't  I  wish  that  mine  were  those. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


MAUD  MULLER  AT  1HE  MATINEE. 

A   RECITATION    ON    "HATS." 

Maud  Muller  on  a  winter's  day 
Went  forth  unto  the  matinee. 

With  twinkling  eyes  and  rougish  smile 
She  sauntered  down  the  centre  aisle. 

She  sauntered  down,  and  then  she  sat 
Beneath  the  biggest  kind  of  hat. 

I  sauntered  down  the  aisle  and  sat 
Behind  her  continent  of  hat . 

Then,  with  her  hattish  hemisphere, 
Maud  sweetly  raked  the  atmosphere. 

I,  being  five  feet  three,  sat  there 
And  gazed  upon  Maud  Muller's  hair. 

The  people  all  around  agreed 
The  play  was  very  fine  indeed. 

Maud's  hat  with  sweet  excitement  swayed 
With  what  the  players  said  and  played. 

In  its  wild  bobbing  here  and  there 
I  read  joy  pleasure,  grief,  despair. 

When  Maud's  hat  trembled  in  affright, 
I  knew  the  villain  was  in  sight. 

And  when  it  wobbled  through  the  air, 
I  knew  the  funny  man  was  there. 

And  when  that  hat  with  tremblings  bobbed, 
Methought  the  hero-lady  sobbed. 

At  last  I  'rose  and  went  my  way 
From  out  that  weary  matinee. 

Out  to  the  street  I  made  my  way 
And  paused  a  bit  to  sigh  and  say: 

"Of  all  sad  words  on  earth,  I  ween, 

The  saddest  are  these. '  I  might  have  seen.'  " 

And  I  pitied  those  men,  who,  like  me,  sat 
Right  behind  that  woman's  hat. 


HAMLET  ON  THE  HASH  HOUSE. 

To  eat  or  not  to  eat,  that's  the  question. 
Whether  'tis  better  on  the  whole  to  suffer 
The  slurs  and  slaps  of  rambustuous  waiters 
Or  to  take  arms  against  the  set  of  trollops, 
And,  by  shooting,  end  them  ?    To  dine,  to  sup- 
No  more ;  and  by  a  fast,  to  say  we  end 
The  insults  and  the  thousand  usual  shocks 
Who  dine  are  heir  to,  'tis  a  consummation 
Devoutly  to  be  wished.     To  eat,  to  dine  ; 
To  sup,  perchance  to  shoot — aye,  there's  the  rub  I 
For  by  that  shot  what  officers  may  come 
And  drag  us  to  the  station  house, 
Must  give  us  pause.     There's  the  respect 
That  compels  compliance  with  the  law ; 
For  who  would  bear  the  fare,  the  bolts  and  bars 
Life  in  the  Tombs  in  Murderers'  Row, 
The  loss  of  liberty,  the  law's  delay, 
The  infamy  of  prison,  and  the  lies 
Made  up  by  rascally  reporters, 
When  he  himself  might  his  quietus  make 


96  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


By  simply  starving  ?    Who  would  farther  bear 

The  sneers  and  snubs  of  a  slugging  scamp, 

But  that  the  dread  of  something  more  than  words — 

The  trifler  returns — puzzles  the  will, 

And  makes  us  rather  bear  our  hungry  lot 

Than  fly  to  chop-rooms  that  we  know  not  of  ! 


MARY'S  IvAMB  ;  IN  BOSTON. 
AS  RECITED  BY  A   FOUR-YEAR-OLD  BOSTON  GIRL. 

Mary  was  the  proprietress  of  a  diminutive  incipient  sheep, 

Whose  outer  covering  was   as  devoid   of   coloring   as  congealed  atmospheric 

vapor, 

And  to  all  localities  to  which  Mary  perambulated 
The  young  Southdown  was  sure  to  follow. 
It  tagged  to  the  dispensary  of  learning 

One  diurnal  section  of  time, 
Which  was  contrary  to  all  precedent 
And  excited  the  cachination  of  the  Seminary  attendants, 
When  they  perceived  the  presence  of  the  young  mutton  at  the  establishment 

of  instruction. 

Consequently  the  precepter  expelled  him  from  the  interior  ; 
But  he  continued  to  remain  in  the  immediate  vicinity 
And  continued  in  the  neighborhood  without  fretfulness, 
Until  Mary  once  more  became  visible. 

(N.  B. — The  reciter  of  the  above  puts  on  a  pair  of  spectacles  and  imitates  a 
precocious  youngster  of  either  sex,  but  very  wise  and  intelligent  for  its  years.) 


Section  UTTI. 


A  REPORTER'S  DESCRIPTION  OF  A  SOCIETY 

CAKE-WALK. 

REPRODUCED   HERE  AS  A  SUGGESTION   FOR   COSTUMES,  PLACING  OF  JUDGES,  ETC. 

"Jack,"  said  the  little  girl  in  the  bright  green  gown  with  peacock  feathers  in 
her  hat ;  "  Jack,  they're  going  to  start.  Now  don't  forget  to  take  my  hand  when 
we  get  in  front  of  the  judges."  "  Trust  me,"  returned  Jack,  a  long  young  man 
in  a  frock  coat,  flaring  collar  and  a  heart-besprinkled  shirt  front.  "The  judge 
who  sits  in  the  middle  '  11  come  right  down  if  you  give  him  one  of  those  melting 
looks  of  yours."  The  girl  in  the  green  dress  and  peacock  feathers  was  one  of  a 
long  line  of  strangely  costumed  feminine  figures.  The  long  young  man  in  a  frock 
coat  was  one  of  another  long  line  of  similarly  attired  beings  of  the  male  persua- 
sion. The  two  lines  were  parallel  arrangements  of  every  color  under  heaven, 
and  both  lines  wound  about  the  large  dining-room  in  the  rear  of  the  dancing 
floor  at  Manheim.  The  time  was  last  evening.  The  occasion  was  the  long-talked- 
of  "  cake-walk."  Three  hundred  persons  occupied  chairs  about  the  walls  and  in 
the  balconies  of  the  ball  room,  and  beat  time  to  the  music  of  "L^ucinda's  Sere- 
nade, ' '  and  watched  and  waited  for  the  big  doors  at  the  end  of  the  room  to  open 
and  disclose  the  walkers.  Then  the  doors  did  open  and  the  double  line  of  walk- 
ers came  up  the  room.  The  girl  in  red,  with  a  small  parasol,  brought  down  the 
house  with  a  passeul  that  would  have  done  credit  to  Ivetty  Lind.  Her  partner 
realized  that  he  was  stepping  on  a  red-hot  iron  plate  kept  polishing  the  floor  with 
red  gaitered  feet.  A  tall  young  woman,  in  a  costume  smacking  of  Spanish  sympa- 
thies, executed  a  catch  step  that  made  a  pair  of  very  pretty  slippers  fairly  twinkle. 
The  gentleman  who  had  the  honor  to  be  her  escort  jammed  his  pan-cake  hat  on 
his  "guaranteed  A i  black  curled  head, "  and  suddenly  developed  an  immense 
fondness  for  walking  on  his  knees.  Another  black  lady  in  snow  white  duck  suit, 
devoted  herself  with  manifest  enjoyment  to  a  promenade  back  and  forth  near  the 
spectators,  while  inviting  her  escort  to  take  her  arm  one  moment  and  the  next 
flaunting  his  advances.  Another  sprightly  walker  in  a  gown  of  alternate  lemon 
and  green  panels,  cast  languishing  glances  at  the  men  she  passed,  and  made  her 
partner  despair  with  her  continuous  flirtations.  Then  on  the  arm  of  a  slender 
gentleman,  who  seemed  to  take  great  relish  in  his  role,  came  a  small  girl  in  green 
and  yellow  and  orange,  and  pink  and  salmon  and  blue,  and  violet  and  red  and 
lemon,  and  violet  and  cerise  and  lilac,  and  all  other  colors,  except  black  and 
white.  This  young  woman  gave  a  combination  Carinencita  and  Pitti  Sing,  of  Mi- 
kado fame,  and  was  evidently  very  proud  of  a  much  beflounced  and  beflowered 
underskirt,  and  everyone  seemed  just  as  interested  in  her  performance  as  she  was 
herself.  But,  for  a  matter  of  fact,  there  was  no  one  on  the  floor  in  whom  the 
spectators  didn't  seem  to  be  interested.  The  gentleman  with  the  punch  bowl 
diamond  threw  its  search-light  rays  over  on  a  hundred  faces,  and  in  every  one 
saw  a  friend  and  from  whom  everyone  got  an  encore.  The  man  with  a  canvas  coat 
and  top  hat  of  white  recognized  some  one  he  knew  in  every  quarter  of  the  room. 
The  very  elegant  and  tall  "cullud  "  Adonis  in  tight  black  and  white  checkered 
trousers,  with  white  spats  and  a  cut-away  coat  was  kept  busy  replying  to  the 
remarks  with  which  amiable  critics  assailed  him.  The  stoutest  man  who  pre- 
served his  gravity  and  also,  much  to  everyone's  surprise,  the  integrity  of  his 


98 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  CUIDK. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


99 


exceedingly  close-fitting  garments,  despite  his  gymnastic  exercises,  was  bom- 
barded with  queries  as  to  how  he  did  it.  A  willowy  girl  in  a  floating  gown,  which 
gave  everyone  the  impression  of  a  mantle  of  lilacs,  found  herself  and  her  partner 
singled  out  again  and  again  for  a  round  of  applause.  And  best  of  all  seemed  t^ 
be  that  everyone  knew  every  one  else  and  also  called  them  for  the  most  part  by 
their  first  name,  and  freely  offered  of  that  large  share  of  advice  which  those  out  of 
the  game  are  so  generous  with  when  addressing  those  who  are  in  the  game. 
'Round  and  'round  the  room  the  sixteen  couples  in  the  walk  proceeded,  'round 
to  the  stage  where  the  three  judges  were  seated  on  a  raised  dais,  and  again  facing 
the  gallery  at  the  end  of  the  room,  whence  bouquets  and  salvos  of  handclapping 
greeted  them.  Only  the  presence  of  so  many  sober-minded  persons  and  the  fact 
that  the  lights  were'out  of  reach  prevented  a  razor  fight — the  invariable  ending  of 
a  cake-walk.  But,  as  it  was,  the  affair  resulted  in  a  peaceable  division  of  one 
half  of  the  splendid  edifice  of  frosted  lady  cake,  and  the  presentation  of  the  dec- 
orated half  to  the  winners  ;  wrhile  a  pair  of  giant  chickens  were  triumphantly 
borne  off  by  the  winners  of  second  prize,  and  a  handsome  beribboned  razor  by  the 
winners  of  the  third  prize. 


THE  DARKTOWN  SOCIETY  CAKE-WALK. 

CAST: 


Representatives  of  Society. 


PERRY  WINKLK,  The  Floor  Manager  and  Drum  Major. 

AMINADAB  JOHNSON, 

SKUSE  CRABAPPLE, 

MARSHMELLOW  MUNSEV, 

SHAMPOO  ORNDORFF, 

CHIROPODIST  PKXCK, 

LAVALETTE  HENDERSON. 

ZEMUEL  BEASLKY,  a  Society  Tough. 

BAKESHOP,  a  Pastry  Cook. 

Miss  ANODYNE  SELTZER,  the  Leader  of  the  "  Set." 

Miss  REBECCA  RABBITFOOT,  Beasley's  Gal  (best  to  be  played  by  a  Comedian}. 

Miss  OLEANDER  MASSET,    1 

Miss  LULU  BATWING, 

Miss  MAZY  SPIVINS, 

Miss  CENTIPEDE  KIPLING, 

Cake- Walkers,  Society  Buds,  Judges,  Blue  Bloods,  etc.,  by  rest  of  Company. 

SCENE — Handsome  Interior,  Fancy  Chamber,  Full  Stage.  Aminadab  Johnson 
and  Skuse  Crabapple  discovered  surrounded  by  a  grotip  of  colored  society 
folks,  male  and  female.  The  dudes  and  ladies  are  dressed  in  the  most  ex- 
travagant costumes,  of  very  showy  colors  and  patterns.  All 
affect  very  "society"  manners  in  talk  and  deportment.  John- 
son and  Crabapple  come  down  stage. 

JOHNSON. 

This  will  be  the  cream  event  of  the  season, 
and  no  one  but  the  blue-blooded  four  hun- 
dred of  Darktown  will  be  allowed  on  the 
floor. 

CRAB. 

Nobpdyjthal_wjork&  for  a -living  can  be 
admitted Jtp  our  exclusive  circles. 

JOHNSON. 

No,  indeed  !    The  opaque  and  colored 
exotics  cannot  mingle  with  the  sub-strata  of 
Aminadab  Johnson,    miscellaneous  humanity.  Skuse  Crabapple. 


100 


THE    WlTMARK    MlNSTREX    GuiDK. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


101 


CRAB. 
Well,  I  should  exhale  breezes  from  my  lungs  through  my  nostrils. 

Miss  ANODYNE. 

Tell  me,  gentlemen  !  Is  that  very  ordinary  colored  person 
called  Rebecca  Rabbitfoot  coming  to  this  resplendency? 

JOHNSON. 

Not  on  her  parsimonious.  If  she  or  her  admirer  ventures 
in  here,  they'll  meet  with  some  violent  opposition. 

(Enter  PERRY  WINKLE,  the  Master  of  Ceremonies  and 
Drum  Major,  L.  i  E.  He  is  a  very  important  personage,  very 
airy  and  as  if  the  entire  affair  depended  upon  him.  Everybody 
greets  him  pleasantly  and  all  shake  hands. ) 


Miss  Anodyne. 


PERRY. 

I'm  glad  to  see  you  all. 
the  crowd  ! 


I  don't  s'pose  there's  a  razor  in 


No,  indeedy  !     This  is  society  ! 

PERRY. 

That's  right !  You  don't  need  razors  where  there's  good 
breeding.  (All  bozv.)  And  you  don't  need  razors  where  I  am. 
I'm  as  good  as  a  regiment  of  razors.  I  don't  like  to  throw  bou- 
quets at  myself,  but  when  it  comes  to  close  quarters  and  fight- 
ing, you  know  me  !  I've  got  Injun  blood  in  me,  and  you 
know  what  that  means  ! 

JOHNSON. 

Yes,  indeed  !  You've  got  the  name  of  being  a  very  warm 
member,  when  it  comes  to  slashing  with  a  sharp  blade. 

CRAB. 
You  certainly  wears  a  wreath  of  roses. 

PERRY  (with  pride}. 

You  ain't  a-flattering  me  one  bit.     I  knows  all  my  quali- 
ties and  my  record  tells  for  itself  !    When  I  steps  in  the  middle      Perry  winkle 
of  the  floor,  it  means  "  give  me  room,''  and  when  I  produce  my  battle-ax  it  means 
' '  desolation  and  funerals. "     ( All  applaud. ) 

JOHNSON. 
As  floor  manager,  you've  got  charge  of  this  cake-walk. 

PERRY. 
I  own  everyone,  body  and  soul. 

CRAB. 

We  look  to  you  that  no  one  mingles  with  our  set  during  the  festivities.  This 
is  recherche  in  the  extreme,  and  the  ladies  are  under  your  protection. 

PERRY  (bows}. 
The  ladies  have  a  protector  in  me.      I  love  them  all  ! 

(Enter  REBECCA  RABBITFOOT  and  ZEMUEI,  BEASLEY.  REBEBCA  is  a  fat,  un- 
couth wench,  and  BEASLEY  a  tough  specimen  of  a  barber.  He  is  smoking  a  long 
segar  and  acts  very  impudently .  They  enter  L.  i.  E.,  strut  to  centre.  Everybody 
falls  back  R.  and  L.  in  surprise. 


102 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


Beasley  and  Rebecca. 


BEASLEY  (to  Rebecca). 
We're  just  in  time,  and  if  anybody 
brings  the  cake  home  it's  going  to  be 
you   and   me.      (Each  pointing-  to  self. 
Funny  pose  for  both . ) 

JOHNSON  (to  Perry}. 
You'd   better  go   over    and    inform 
them  that  this  is  a  strictly  private  affair. 

PERRY  (iveakening). 
I  guess  they  know  that  without  me 
telling  them.     Just  don't  notice  'em  and 
they'll  get  insulted  and  go  out. 

CRAB. 
They'll  have  to  be  put  out. 

PERRY  (assuming  dignity}. 
Well,  go  over  and  put  'em  both  out. 
Tell  'em  I  said  so. 


CRAB. 
But  you're  floor  manager! 

PERRY. 
I  know,  but  I  resign  my  position  right  now. 

JOHNSON. 
You're  not  afraid,  are  you  ? 

PERRY  (half  nervously.} 
Afraid  ?     You  know  my  record  !      Do  you 
want  to  start  in  with  a  couple  of  corpses  on  the 


Miss  Spivins. 


floor?     You   can't   walk     on 
ered  with  blood,  can  you  ? 

JOHNSON. 
You're  afraid  ! 


a   floor  all    cov- 


Ah! 


Miss  ANODYNE. 


I  think  the  presence  of  very  ordinary  negroes  is  most  dis- 
astrous to  my  sensitive  diaphagram.  (REBECCA  becomes  angry. ) 

REBECCA. 

Don't  you  call  me  nigger.  Don't  you  call 
me  nigger  with  a  sanitorium  diagram. 

(She  makes  a  dash  at  the  crowd,  but  B  EAS- 
ILY holds  her  back.  The  ladies  scream  and 
run  to  PERRY  for  protection.  PERRY  tries  to 
hide  behind  the  crowd  of  ladies,  himself  in  great 
fear.  REBECCA  is  very  furious,  shouting: 
"Let  me  go  I  Let  me  at  them  !  "  She  jumps 
up  and  down  wildly,  but  is  held  back  by  BEAS- 
I<E;Y.  Finally  everything  is  quieted  down ) . 


Munsey. 


Miss  Masset. 


BEASLEY. 

This  lady  has  been  insulted  in  here,  and  I 
demand  an  apology. 


Pence. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


103 


him. 


PERRY. 
Go  ahead  !     Somebody  apologize  to 


BEASI.KV. 


I'm  going  to  get  an  apology  or  I'll 
kill  every  nigger  in  here. 

REBECCA. 

And  I'll  kill    every   wench    in    the 
room  ! 


(Another furious  fit  of  jumping,  and 
she  is  held  back  by  BEASLEY.  Everybody 
is  terrified  again  ! 

Miss  Batwing.  "Pc-o  u  \- 

rERR\ .  Henderson. 

Hold  on  !     Hold  on  !     We  apologize,  we  apologize  ! 

BBASIvEY. 

All  right.     We  accept  your  humiliation  ! 

REBECCA. 

The  Filipinos  have  surrendered  and  the  American  Army  is  victorious  !     I,abor 
downs  capital  this  time. 

BE  AS  LEY. 
We  will  allow  you  to  mingle  with  us  ! 

REBECCA. 

Yes,  we  don't  despise  you  because  you're  ignorant.  You  ain't  as  good  as  we 
are,  but  we  tolerate  you.  We'll  tolerate  you.  Go  on  with  your  cake-walk.  The 
pastry  belongs  to  us  any  way  ! 

BEASLBY. 

Yes,  I'll  kill  the  jud.^e  that  decides  against  us. 

REBECCA. 
Who's  going  to  be  the  judges  ?     (  Ready  to  attack  again. ) 

PERRY. 
Not  me  !     I'm  only  floor  manager. 

JOHNSON. 
Not  me.      I'm  only  a  society  bud  ! 

BEASLEY. 

You'll  be  cut  down  in  the  flower  of 
your  youth  if  you  pester  with  us  ! 

REBECCA. 

There'll  only  be  one  nigger  wench 
left  in  this  room  and  that  will  be  me  ! 

PERRY  (not  noticing  them,  to 
balance  of  company. ) 

The  judges  are  to  be  selected  from 
Miss  Kipling.  the  Spectators  or  the  audience.  Orndorff. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


BEASLEY. 
i*ll  be  the  judge  and  the  jury  ;  don't  you  forget  it. 

REBECCA. 
And  I'll  be  the  Court  House  !     I've  been  in  'em  all  my  life. 

PERRY. 
Then  take  your  places  for  the  Darktown  Cake- Walk  ! 


(  Whistles  and  music  begins,'  every- 
body crowds  over  to  L.  U.  E,  so  as  to  step 
out  in  couples,  to  compete.  All  through 
the  cake-walk  PERRY  is  very  attentive  to 
everybody.  He  capers  about  in  front  of 
each  couple,  juggles  the  baton  and  seems  to 
order  every  movement.  Soon  as  a  couple 
concludes,  he  goes  up  to  L .  U.  E.,  and 
motions  the  next  couple  to  step  out  and 
begin .  PERRY  tries  to  be  the  central  and 
most  prominent  figure  throughout,  ming- 
ling here  and  there,  bowing,  capering  and 
juggling  the  baton.  If  he  can  do  this,  it 
adds  to  nis  importance  very  much}. 


Miss  Batwing  and  Mr.  Henderson. 
FIRST  COUPLE. 

\Step  out  from  L.  U.  E.,  cross  over  to 
R  Turn  to  each  other  and  bow.  Then 
co Me  down  R.  towards  the  footlights. 

Then  pause.  Execute  a  few  movements, 
passing  before  each  other  then  back  again. 

Then  both  bow  to  PERRY,  who  is  down  R. 


Then  both  gaily  walk  across  stage  on  tips  oj 
toes  towards  L.  i  E.,  pause  and  bow  to  audi- 
ence, then  go  up  stage  L.,  looking  back  over  their 


i».  Munsey  and  Miss  Spivins. 


<4*fwr<4  ters  at  audience.    Then  stand  up  stage. 
v  ^notions  another  couple  to  step  out.} 


TJ.. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


105 


SECOND    COUPLE. 

( They  step  out,  cross  over  to  R.  bow  to  each  other,  walk  around  in  a  circle 
twLe.  She  has  movements  with  her  parasol,  swinging  It  in  a  circle  and  up  and 
down  as  he  holds  his  hat  aloft.  Then  they  come  down  R.  towards  footlights.  Here 
they  pause,  then  turn  and  bow  to  PERRY.  Then  the  couple  move  around  each  other 
in  a  circle.  He  kneels,  she  places  one  foot  on  his  knee  ;  he  pretends  to  tie  her  shoe. 
Rises,  bows,  she  courtesies  and  swings  parasol.  Then  arm  in  arm  she  crosses  over 
io  L.  C.  Pause,  bow  to  each  other  and  go  up  stage,  the  swinging  parasol  and  he 
ivaving  hat  aloft.  Bow  and  .finish  up  stage.  PERRY  motions  next  party  to  step 
out. 


THIRD    FIGURK. 

JOHNSON  with  two  ladies  step  out  followed  by  CRABAPPI,E.  They  go  arm  in  arm 
to  R.  JOHNSON  swings  the  ladies  around  by  tips  of  fingers.  Then  the  trio  come 
down  stage  R.,  CRABAPPI^E  trying  to  join  in  as  he  follows  down  after  them.  When 
they  are  down  R.  JOHNSON  turns  and  swings  the  ladies  over  to  CR^BAPPI<F;  wJ^o  is 
C.  The  ladies  whirl  around  and  CRAB,  extending  his  arms,  catches  them  and  he  has 
them  on  each  arm.  He  whirls  around  and  laughs  at  JOHNSON  as  he  walks  away 
towards  L.  I.  E.  with  the  ladies,  JOHNSON  a  little  put  out  following  up.  They 
pause  L.  C.  CRAB  whirls  the  ladies  around  and  bows  to  each.  Takes  one  by  tips 
of  fingers  and  circles  abound  her.  •  Then  takes  the  other  in  the  same  way.  Then 
puts  on  his  hat  and  takes  both  ladies  by  tips  of  fingers  and  they  turn  their  backs  to 
audience  and  go  up  stage  L.  looking  over  their  shoulders  at  audience  and  smiling. 
JOHNSON  walks  up  afterwards  in  a  ve'ry  grotesque  manner,  and  they  all  conclude 
lit  stape  and  bow. 


io6 


WlTMARK   MlNSTRKIy   GUIDE. 


FOURTK    COUPLE. 

A  very  tall  man  ami  short  lady  to  make  it  grotesque.  They  cross  over  to  R.  C. 
The  gentleman  spi)is  the  lady  around  like  a  top,  holding  her  by  one  hand.  Then 
they  walk  down  A\,  he  walking  in  a  twisting,  bow-legged  manner  and  bending  over 
in  funny  shapes  Down  stage  they  bow  to  PERRY  and  gentleman  kicks  over  short 
lady^s  head  ( if  he  can}.  Bows  to  her,  offers  his  arm  and  they  ivalk  over  to  L.^  both 
bending  backwards  as  far  as  possible  to 
make  it  appear  as  if  they  were  going  to  top- 
ple backwards  and  fall,  but  they  manage  to 
just  barely  keep  their  feet.  Pause  at  L.  and 
go  up  stage  and  then  finish. 


Mr.  Orndorff  and  Miss  Kipling. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


107 


(As  many  grotesque  couples  as  possible  can  now  be  introduced  to  suit  talent  of 
the  company.     Then  when  last  couple  has  completed  their  cake-walk  ,  both 


and  REBECCA,  who,  during  above,  have  been  very  impatient  now  yell  out  :  "  Give  us 
room,  give  us  room  !  "  They  step  out  in  very  grotesque  manner  to  R.  and  dance  a 
few  steps.  BEASiyEY  very  agile  ami  capering  and  REBECCA  affecting  a  very  uppish 
and  extravagant  style  in  her  walk  and  conduct.  They  circle  around  eacli  other  and 
start  down  R.  BEASLEY  e.recntes  a  few  steps  and  REBECCA  tries  to  imitate  them 
At  this  moment  a  darkey  luith  white  apron,  cook's  cap  and  jacket,  enters  at  back 
holding  up  a  huge  cake.  All  shout  for  joy  at  its  appearance,  and  soon  as  REBECCA 
sees  the  cake  she  utters  a  whoop  and  yell  and  goes  into  a  Jit,  capering  and  jumping. 
Everybody  alarmed.  Allthe^men  draw  out  razors.  BEASLEY  pulls  out  a  large 
razor  and  rushes  forwardTcapiures  the  cake,  and  a  general  razor  fight  takes  place.  ) 


Beasley  and  Rebecca  in  a  walk  of  their  owi 


BEASLEY  smashes  the  cake  upon  REBECCA'S  head.  The  bottom  of  the  cake  is 
covered  with  paper  and  her  head  comes  out  through  the  card  board  top.  She  yells 
and  capers  while  the  ladies  tip  the  stage  faint,  the  men  defending  themselves  from 
BEASLEY'S  attack.  On  this  picture  a  quick  Curtain. 

NOTE:— Another  finish  to  the  cake-walk  would  be  :  All  gather  around  RE- 
BECCA when  she  has  the  fit  and  all  bring  her  bottles,  etc.,  to  revive  her.  Then  let 
PERRY  ask  the  judges  (audience}:  "  Who  is  entitled  to  the  cake  ?  "  And  the  audi- 
ence will  confer  cake  upon  the  couple  who,  in  its  estimation,  walked  the  most  grace- 
fully ,  and  with  novel  movements.  As  the  cake  is  thus  presented  fa  the  winning 
couple,  all  join  arm  in  arm  and  march  off  up  the  stage,  looking  04'  the  audience, 
two  by  two,  or,  they  may  stand  in  a  circle  bowing,  as  the  curtain  descends,  the 
ivinners  being  in  the  centre  of  the  circle.  Music  playing  and  all  cheering. 


io8 


THE  WITMARK    MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


THE  WONDERFUL  TELEPHONE. 

A    FIRST    PART    FINALE. — ALSO    GOOD    FOR   AN    AFTER-PIECE. 

N,  B.  —  This  sue icn  reads  as  if  tne  events  were  transpiring  in  Philadelphia,. 
It  can  be  localized  to  suit  any  town  or  city.  Have  the  "  Brother  from  London  " 
journey  across  the  ocean,  land  him  in  New  York;  then,  ad  lib.,  describe  his  jour- 
ney rapidly  to  your  own  town  or  city — east,  west,  north  or  south. 

IMPORTANT. — A  wire  is  attached  in  flies,  L.  /  E.,  and  crosses  over  to  a  point 
in  R.  i  E  ,  where  it  is  attached  by  a  screw-eye  in  the  stage.  On  this  wire — up  in 
the  flies — is  attached  the  dummy  ready  to  cross,  descending  at  an  angle  of  45°. 
It  is  held  in  place  by  a  string,  which  is  ctit  or  loosened  at  cue  and  sent  down  and 
across.  See  illustration  below. 


This  sketch  orflnale  can  also  be  played  bv  ladies,  in  which  case  change  names 
to  suit. 

MIDDLE  {after  last  song  is  sung  on  first  part]. 

Gentlemen,  I'm  going  down  to  the  telephone  office  to  send  a  message  to  a 
friend. 

TAMBO. 
To  the  telephone  office  ?    Why,  I  belong  to  the  Edison  Telephone. 

BONES. 
What  a  strange  coincidence.     I  belong  to  the  Bell  Telephone. 

TAMBO. 

Now,  there's  no  use  of  you  going  down  to  the  Office.  I'll  bring  the  office  up 
here.  {Substitute  I  have  my  office  here,  if  'phone  is  already  hung  on  pro- 
scenium arch.} 

MIDDLE. 
You'll  bring  (or  substitute   You  have  )  the  office  up  here  ? 

TAMBO. 

Yes ;  I'll  bring  (or,  I  have )  an  instrument  up  here.  Our  telephones  are 
the  best. 

BONES. 
Excuse  me  ;  our  telephones  are  the  very  best 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUID&.  109 


MIDDLE. 

Now,  we'll  settle  it  this  way.  Both  of  you  bring  (or,  show)  your  rival 
telephones  up  here  and  I'll  test  them.  Whichever  is  the  best  I'll  patronize  in  the 
future. 

TAMBO. 

All  right !     I'll  go  after  mine  (Exit),  (or,  Here's  mine,  pointing  to  his  • } phone). 

MIDDLE. 

Gentlemen,  we'll  now  see  a  test  of  the  long-distance  telephones,  and  be 
judges  of  the  claims  advanced  by  the  rival  agents. 

(End  men  bring  imitation  telephones  from  R.  and  L.  and  hang  them  at 
extreme  edge  of  proscenium  by  a  ring  on  a  nail.  Or,  if  the  telephones  are  in 
place  during  the  entire  show,  the  end  men  need  not  go  out  after  them,  in  which 
cast  the  end  men  will  use  the  substituted  speeches,  j 

TAMBO. 
Now  for  the  test — and  mine  is  in  good  order. 

BONES 

This  is  the  instrument.  This  is  what's  called  the  hear-o-phone.  This  is 
where  you  talk.  I  s'pose  you  can  tell  a  'phone  when  you  see  it?  That's  phony 
but  I  can't  help  it.  Now  I'll  show  you  how  it  works.  (Rings.)  Hello!  Hello! 
Chicago  !  Chicago  !  (  Pauses  and  rings  again.) 

(NOTE. — The  ends  must  work  as  though  they  were  at  real  'phones,  using  their 
best  judgment  to  make  if.  seem  as  natural  as  possible. ) 

Sometimes  you  have  to  wait  two  or  three  years  for  an  answer  from  Chicago. 
(Alarm  clock  or  electric  bell  rings  in  entrance. )  Ah  !  there's  the  answer  !  (Call- 
ing in  'phone.}  What  was  the  matter?  (Receiver  to  ear,  calling  out  as  if  repeat- 
ing.) St.  Louis  was  standing  o»i  the  line?  Ah!  yes — eh? — of  course — yes — (in 
*  phone) — New  York — I  say,  New  York  !  (louder)  New  York — where  is  it?  Why, 
it's  the  liveliest  town  of  its  age  you  ever  saw.  Yes— its  down  near  Hoboken  (or 
mention  small  town  near  by).  Yes;  now  you  know  where  it  is.  Yes — we're 
giving  a  show  here — Who?  Yes — he's  here — Sam  !  Chairman  of  our  committee 
—yes — (  To  Middle) — By  the  way,  Sam,  what  is  your  name ? 

MIDDLE. 
Why,  Sam. 

BONES  (imitating  and  calling  in  'phone). 
Why,  Sam  ! 

MIDDLE. 
No  I  no  !  no  !     Sam,  without  the  why. 

BONES  (in  'phone). 
Yes — Sam  without  the  why. 

MIDDLE. 
No !  no  !    Just  simply  Sam. 

BONES  (in  'phoney 
Yes — simple  Sam. 

MIDDLE. 
No,  sir !  no,  sir !  no,  sir  ! 

BONES  (in  'phone). 

He  says  he's  got  no  nose,   sir — Where? — Sherman  House— $27 — Oh  I  he'll 
settle  that  when  he  goes  West. 

MIDDLE. 
What's  that? 


no  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


BONES  (to  Middle}. 

Did  you  stop  at  the  Sherman  House  while  in  Chicago  ?  They're  asking  about 
a  bill  you  owe  them  of  $27. 

MIDDLE. 
I  don't  owe  anybody  in  Chicago. 

BONES  (yells  in  ' phone}. 

He  says  he  owes  everybody  in  Chicago  ! 

(TAMBO'S  telephone  rings,  and  he  darts  suddenly  to  it. ) 

T  AM  BO. 

Hello  !  I've  got  a  bite  !  ( Comedy  bus.  at  'phone.}  Hello  !— hello  !— hello  !— 
hel — lo  !  (Louder  and  louder.  To  Middle.}  I  guess  I've  struck  a  deaf  and  dumb 
asylum!  /;/  ' 'phone. )  Hello!  (Bell  rings. >  Ah!  you're  there,  are  you? 
Where  have  you  been?  (Smiles,  talks  through  'phone. )  Send  me  five  cents  and 
I'll  go  out  and  get  one  too  Stand  further  away  from  the  'phone;  you've  been 
eating  onions.  Yes,  yes — (laughs} — certainly  (laughs} — yes — I  knew  them  when 
they  were  courting.  No!  no!  (Surprised}.  You — you — don't  say  so! — when? 
This  morning!  (Laughs.}  What!  Twins? 

MIDDLE. 

Now,  look  here !  I'm  quite  dry.  Let's  go  out  and  have  a  glass  of  beer. 
(  Say  soda  for  ladies. ) 

TAMBO.  0 

You  needn't  go  out.     I'll  bring  a  glass  of  beer  over  our  line. 

MIDDLE. 
Do  you  mean  to  say  you  can  bring  a  glass  of  beer  over  the  wires  ? 

TAMBO. 

Yes,  sir ;  I'll  show  you  ?  (Rings  bell. }  Hello  !  ( Outside  bell  replies. }  Con- 
nect me  with  a  brewery — send  over  a  glass  of  beer  (outside  bell  rings},  and  here 
it  is.  (  Takes  a  glass  of  beer  from  a  box  attached  beside  the  'phone,  or  it  is  handed 
out  slyly  from  side  of  entrance  close  to  the  'phone,  unobserved  by  the  audience.) 

MIDDLE. 
That's  wonderful !     (  Tambo  drinks  it. )     Here  !      I  thought  that  was  for  me  ! 

TAMBO. 
'Tis  for  you.     For  you  to  look  at !     (Replaces  glass. } 

BONES. 

Do  you  want  a  glass  of  beer  ?  Hold  on.  I'll  get  one  for  you.  (Rings  'phone 
and  bell  replies.}  Connect  me  with  (local  place}.  One  glass  of  beer  for  Sam. 
(outside  bell  rings}  and  here  it  is.  (  Takes  out  glass  of  clear  water. } 

MIDDLE. 
Why,  that's  water. 

BONES. 

I  guess  they  must  know  you  at  the  brewery.  This  beer  isn't  brewed  yet.  I 
guess  you  owe  a  bill  there  too.  (Replaces  glass  } 

MIDDLE. 

I  tell  you  what  I'd  like.  I  remember  they  have  some  very  fine  segars  (ladies 
say  candy}  at  the  (local  hotel  or  store}  in  (neighboring  town}.  Can  you  bring  me 
a  box  of  segars  from  that  city  ? 


THE  WITH  ARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  in 


BONES. 

Certainly!  Hello?  (Calls  name  of  city  several  times.}  Connect  nie  with 
(local]  Hotel.  (Bell  rings. )  One  box  of  segars. 

(Bell  rings,  and  a  man  with  a  segar  box  dashes  put  flip-flapping  from  R.  / 
E.,  places  box  in  Middled  hand  and  dashes  out  quick  again  R.  i  E.  After  he 
goes  out  both  End  Men  jump  and  dance  ad  lib.) 

END  MEN. 
Goodness  !     We're  full  of  electricity  too  ! 

MIDDLE. 
Well,  this  is  truly  wonderful  ;  I  wish  my  brother  could  see  this. 

TAMBO. 
Where  is  your  brother  ? 

MIDDLE. 
London,  England. 

TAMBO. 

I'll  fetch  him  over.  ( Goes  to  and  calls  in  *  phone. )  Hello  !  hello,  London  !  I 
want  London  !  I  don't  want  much,  do  I  ?  (Bows grotesquely  at  ''phone.} 

MIDDLE. 
To  whom  are  you  bowing  ? 

TAMBO. 

The  Prince  of  Wales  just  passed  by.  (Bus.  at  and  talks  in  'phone.)  I  waul 
Sam's  brother — yes,  Sam's  brother — what?  Oh!  all  right.  I  can't  bring  him. 
(Hangs  up  receiver. ) 

MIDDLE. 
What's  the  matter  ? 

TAMBO. 
His  time  isn't  up  yet.     They've  got  him  at  work  making  shoes. 

MIDDLE. 
My  brother  is  not  in  jail,  and  he's  not  a  shoemaker. 

TAMBO. 

No;  he's  only  learning.  Wait  until  I  try  again.  (Calls  in  ''phone).  I  want 
Sam's  brother.  (Repeats.}  All  right  (to  Middle],  I've  got  him,  I've  got  him, 
Sam!  (Calls  in 'phone.)  Take  our  telephone  line  and  come  over.  (To  Middle. ,} 
He  says  he'll  come.  (Looks  in  'phone. )  He's  packing  his  trunk — there  goes  the 
same  old  paper  collar  I  lent  him.  Now  he's  started. 

(Music  very  piano,  galop.     Bus.  of  describing  the  journey.) 

Now  he's  half  way  over.  Oh,  Sam  !  Sam  !  There's  a  big  steamship  run 
right  over  your  brother  (all  in  alarm),  but  he's  all  right.  His  cheek  hit  the 
vessel  and  knocked  off  the  propeller.  Now  he's  coming  like  a  flash.  Oh,  Sam  f 
Sam  !  (cries)  prepare  yourself  for  sad  news — there's  a  shark  after  your  brother ! 
Oh,  Sam  !  the  shark  has  swallowed— 

MIDDLE   (despairingly). 
My  poor  brother?    {Circle  excited.} 


112 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


TAMBO. 

No  ;  your  brother  has  swallowed  the  shark.  Now  he's  at  Sandy  Hook,  now 
he's  passing  Jersey  City,  now  he's  crossing  the  Delaware  River,  now  he's 

(Describe  all  the  towns  he  passes  through  to  reach  your  city,  or  rather 
name  them  rapidly.     This  is  arranged  for  Philadelphia.} 

in  (mention  your  city. )     He  is  turning  the  corner  (name  street},  and  here  he  is  ! 

(Hurry,  music  forte,  everybody  excited,  and  a  dummy  with  carpet-bag  and 
distinct  costume — duster,  white  hat,  black  pants,  etc. — darts  down  a  wire  from 
flies  L.  'down  at  an  angle  of  45  degrees,  far  into  R.  i  E.  where  it  is  fastened.  All 
shout  as  it  crosses.  Soon  as  dummy  is  sent  into  entrance  a  man  in  exact  counter- 
part of  dress,  etc.,  runs  out  of  R.  i  E.  and  Middle,  End  Men  and  all  joyfully 
greet  him ,  shaking  hands  and  cheering  him.) 

QUICK  CURTAIN. 


OUR  GIRLS  AT  SCHOOL. 


CAST: 


Miss  DISCIPLINE,  The  Teacher. 

BABY  MOLASSES,  The  Victim. 

SALLY  FRECKLES,  The  Dunce. 

LUCY  LOCKET,  A  Bright  Girl. 

MARY  GRAMMAR, 

EDITH  SYNTAX, 

BELLE  GEOMETRY, 

CARRIE  ALPHABET, 

RUTH  ALGEBRA, 

LILLIE  DIVISION, 

MATTIE  MATHICS, 


The  Young  Lady  Scholars. 


SCENE — Plain  chamber;  door  in  flat;  several  benches  ranged  across  stage  R  ; 
Teacher's  desk  down  L.  C.;  split  sticks,  books,  bell,  etc.,  tipon  her  desk;  a 
stool  R  C.  with  Dunce's  pointed  cap.  made  of  white  cardboard,  with  the 
word  "Dunce"  in  black  letters. 


AUDIENCE 


(  Teacher,  who  is  supposed  to  be  an  eccentric  old  maid,  with  spectacles,  funny 
Wig  and  old-fashioned  garments,  is  discovered,  bell  in  hand.} 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  113 

TEACHER. 
My  scholars  are  late  this  morning.     I'll  let  them  know  it. 

(Rings  bell  violently.  Girl  scholars  with  books.  A  B  C cards,  etc.,  enter  door 
in  flat.  All  exclaim,  "Good  morning,  Teacher."  Teacher  replies,  "Good  morn- 
ing'>  young  ladies,"  and  they  seat  themselves  upon  the  benches  and  begin  to  study.) 

TEACHER  (at  desk}. 
My  scholars  are  not  all  here.     Where  is  Baby  Molasses  and  Lucy  Locket  ? 

GIRTHS. 
We  don't  know. 

(Baby,  who  is  a  fat  girl,  and  Lucy  sneak  in  through  door  in  flat— run  to 
benches  and  push  girls  away  to  make  room  and  they  sit  down  and  study  aloud* 
Teacher,  rapping  for  silence  and  attention,  discovers  them. ) 

TEACHER. 

Ah!  there  you  are.  Come  here,  both  of  you.  Come  here,  Baby  Molasses, 
arid  you,  Miss  Lucy  Locket.  (  The  girls  indicated  come  down  C.  sniffling  )  What 
kept  you  so  late,  Miss  Locket  ? 

LUCY. 

Well,  you  see,  teacher,  I  was  home  dreaming,  and  dreaming  that  I  was  going 
to  Europe.  {Hesitates  as  if  making  up  the  story. )  And  I  dreamed  that  I  was 
late  and  I  ran  to  the  wharf  to  catch  the  boat  for  Europe  because  I  could  hear  the 
bell  ringing,  and — and — I  woke  up — and  it  was  the  school-house  bell  that  was 
ringing.  (Smiles  in  a  silly  manner  at  her  excuse. } 

TEACHER. 
A  very  good  excuse  ;  and  you,  Baby  Molasses,  what  kept  you  so  late  ? 

BABY. 
I — I — I  went  down  to  the  wharf  to  see  her  off  to  Europe. 

TEACHER. 

Go  to  your  seats,  both  of  you  (they  go  to  seats}  and  study  your  lessons  !  Ah  ! 
Who  has  seen  our  dunce  ?  Who  has  seen  Sally  Freckles  ? 

GIRTHS. 
Nobody. 

(Sally,  the  dunce,  runs  in  through  door,  pushes  a  girl  off  bench  and  sits  down. 
Takes  a  book  from  another  one  and  begins  to  study.  ' '  Twice  one  is  two,  twice  two 
is  six,  twice  six  is  fifty-four,"  etc.  Teacher  checks  her. ) 

TEACHER. 

Stop  it!  Stop  it!  That  is  not  your  place,  Miss  Freckles.  Put  on  that 
dunce's  cap,  and  stand  on  that  pedestal  until  you  learn  your  lessons. 

(Sally  pouts  and  sniffles,  but  puts  on  dunce's  cap,  and  stands  upon  the  stool  >?. 
C.  All  the  girls  secretly  laugh  at  her  and  she  tries  to  reach  over  to  slap  one  of 
them  and  nearly  falls  off  the  stool.  Teacher  raps  for  silence  and  attention.) 

TEACHER. 

Now,  young  ladies,  we  will  begin  our  studies  and  I  want  you  to  be  very 
attentive. 

(Sally  has  a  putty-blower  and  shows  it  to  girls,  who  appear  delighted.  Sally 
blows  putty  at  teacher — some  one  in  entrance  L.  makes  a  sound  of  two  blocks  of 
wood  striking  each  other  to  imitate  putty  striking  teacher's  face.  Teacher  yells, 
*umj>s  and  capers otit  to  C.} 


H4  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


TEACHER. 

Oh,  dear !  oh,  dear !  My  eye  is  put  out !  Who  blew  that  putty  at  me  ?  (All 
the  girls  point  at  Baby.} 

GIRLS. 
Baby  Molasses ! 

BABY. 

Oh,  teacher,  I  didn't  do  any  such  thing. 

TEACHER  (Q. 
Come  out  here.     (Baby  comes  to  her,  crying.}     Hold  out  your  hand,  Miss. 

(After  a  few  commands*  Baby  crying  holds  out  her  hand.  Teacher  strikes  her 
hand  with  split  stick  or  ruler  made  to  sound.  Baby  cries  very  loud  and  returns  to 
seat.  Girls  all  laugh.  Sally  is  delighted  and  dancing  with  Joy.  She  nearly  falls 
off  stool.  Teacher  goes  to  desk  and  raps  for  order  and  attention.} 

Now,  young  ladies,  I  hope  we  shall  have  order !  First  class  in  geometrical 
hypnotism  and  concatenation.  What  is  a  volcano? 

GIRLS. 
A  mountain  with  a  fire-place  on  top  of  it. 

TEACHER. 
Who  said  that? 

GIRLS. 
Baby  Molasses. 

TEACHER. 

Come  out  here,  Miss  !     (Sobbing  and  crying,  she  comes  C.) 

BABY. 
Teacher,  I  never  said  a  word.     It  was  the  dunce. 

TEACHER. 
Hold  out  your  hand,  Miss  ! 

(Baby  is  whipped  as  before,  she  returns  crying  to  her  seat  to  great  delight  of 
dunce  and  girls.  Teacher  checks  their  mirth  by  rapping  for  attention  and  order. } 

First  class  in  muscular  geography  and  elementary  physique.  What  is  a 
strait  ? 

GIRLS. 

It  beats  two  pairs.     That's  what  my  brother  says 

TEACHER. 
Who  said  that? 

GIRLS. 
Baby  Molasses ! 

(Baby  denies  it.  Is  brought  out  again.  Whipped  as  before  and  ordered  back  to 
her  seat.  She  cries  louder  and  louder  each  time .  Dunce  and  girls  enjoy  the  whip- 
ping.} 

Now,  young  ladies,  first  section  in  historical  addenda  and  aboriginal  allu- 
vium. Who  was  General  George  Washington  ? 

GIRLS. 
First  in  war,  first  in  peace,  and  first  in  the  hands  of  a  policeman  ! 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  115 


(All  rise  and  dance  a  "  break"  dunce  nearly  falls  off  stool  in  doing  so). 

TEACHER. 
Who  said  that  George  Washington  was  in  the  hands  of  a  policeman  ? 

GIRLS. 
Baby  Molasses. 

(Baby  begins  to  cry  loud  and  denies  it.  But  she  is  brought  down  and  made  to 
hold  out  her  hand  and  is  whipped  as  before  and  ordered  to  her  seat.  She  cries,  very 
much  to  the  delight  of  the  girls. ) 

TEACHER. 

I  never  saw  such  a  girl  in  all  my  life — always  in  trouble  and  never  knows  her 
lesson. 

SALLY. 

She's  pretty  near  as  smart  as  I  am  !     I'm  head  of  my  class,  any  way. 

TEACHER. 

Now,  young  ladies,  attention  !  Second  class  in  coast  survey  and  progressive 
weather  bureau.  Who  discovered  America?  (Girls  look  over  books  and  do  not 
reply. )  Who  discovered  America  ?  ( Baby  begins  to  cry,  rises,  comes  down  and 
holds  out  her  hand,  i  Why,  Baby,  you  didn't  discover  America. 

BABY. 

Didn't  I  ?  Well,  I  get  blamed  for  everything.  I  thought  maybe  I  did  dis- 
cover America. 

TEACHER. 
No  ;  you  didn't  discover  America. 

SALLY. 
I  know  who  did.     Dr.  Mary  Walker. 

TEACHER. 

Young  ladies,  get  ready  for  your  music  lesson.  Fall  in  line  as  I  beat  time 
for  you. 

(All  the  girls  laugh  and  jump  for  joy.} 

(She  gets  a  sheet  of  cardboard  with  burlesque  music  notes  upon  it  and  by  this 
time  all  the  girls  are  ranged  in  line  ready  to  sing  as  Teacher  extravagantly  beats 
time  at  extreme  end  of  line  or  in  front  of  the  scholars. ) 

Medley  of  popular  songs  or  the  march  song,  '•''High  School  Girls"  with  drill  to 
terminate  the  final. 

NOTE  :  This  finale  can  be  elaborated  and  more  questions  can  be  asked  (local  if 
desired}  at  discretion  of  stage  director. 

CURTAIN. 


n6 


WlTMARK    MlNSTRKIv 


SUGGESTION  FOR  A  NOVEL  MUSICAL  ACT. 

THE  WORLD  FAMOUS  MUSICAL  ARTISTS, 

PICK  AND  PLUNK. 

In  their  new  selections  upon  instruments  of  peculiar  make,  shape  and  sound, 

appearing  as  the 

"MUSICAL  CONVICTS." 


SCENE  : — Represents  interior  of  a  prison  cell.  The  convicts  amusing  themselves 
upon  familiar  instruments, performing  solos  on  the  following  objects: 
The  bars  of  the  cell  door,  tin  cups,  chains  (bells]  on  the  locks,  tin  pails'  ham- 
mers and  brooms. 

>?.  B.— The  objects  are  those  furnished  to  prisoners  from  which  they  evoke  sweet  musie 
•while  in  durance  vile.  These  instruments  must  be  made  to  order  as  they  will  not  be  found  in 
stock  everywhere. 

Pick  discovered  sweeping-  his  cell. 

PICK. 

I  haven't  got  much  longer  to  serve,  and  for  good  behavior  I've  been  allowed 
to  enjoy  myself  with  musical  instruments  of  my  own  make.  And  who  would 
believe  that  this  broom  was  a  musical  instrument  ?  Yet  it  is. 

The  broom  has  a  horn  or  cornet  hidden  in  the  brush  part,  and  the  mouth -piece 
is  in  the  handle  of  the  broom.  He  blows  several  trumpet  calls  or  plays  short  solo. 
At  end  of  it  Plunk  enters  cell.  He  is  the  comedy  element  in  this  act  and  has  an 
eccentric  prison  costume  and  make-up. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  117 

PLUNK. 
Are  you  selling  fish  ? 

PICK. 

No,  sir.     Don't  you  know  a  cornet  from  a  fish  horn? 

PLUNK. 
Not  when  you  play  it. 

PICK. 
Who  are  you  anyway  ? 

PLUNK. 

I'm  number  7,001  ;  I've  got  a  holiday  along  the  corridors  for  good  conduct. 

PICK. 
Well,  go  and  enjoy  it,  and  don't  bother  me. 

PLUNK. 

You're  bothering  me  with  that  old  root-te-toot-toot  you've  got  stuck  in  that 
broom  !  Are  you  a  musician  ? 

PICK. 

I'm  proud  to  say  that  I  am  ;  I  know  every  bar  in  music. 

PLUNK. 

I  guess  it  was  too  many  bars  that  brought  vou  here.  I'm  a  little  on  the 
music  order  myself.  I  can  get  music  out  of  anything. 

PICK. 

Then  a  brother  musician  is  always  welcome  here.  I've  got  all  sorts  of  musical 
instruments  made  of  articles  allowed  prisoners.  Everything  you  see  here  is 
capable  of  producing  music. 

PLUNK. 
I  must  tell  my  brother  about  this.     He's  in  this  prison.     He's  an  overseer. 

PICK. 
Overseer  ? 

PLUNK. 
Yes  ;  overseeing  the  walls  to  see  if  he  can  get  out. 

PICK  (laughs}. 
What  brought  you  to  prison  ? 

PLUNK. 
I  was  brought  here  by  my  own  conviction. 

PICK. 
Well,  join  in  and  enjoy  yourself. 

PLUNK. 
What  did  you  steal  ? 

PICK. 
I  didn't  steal  anything.     I  was  a  bank  cashier. 

PLUNK. 

Oh,  I  see;  you  didn't  steal  anything,  you  stole  everything.  I  dare  say  the? 
pinched  you  before  you  could  reach  Canada. 

PICK. 
Come,  join  me  in  sweet  sounds  or  leave  this  room 

PLUNK. 
Anybody  who  told  you  that  this  was  a  room  meant  it  for  a  "  cell." 


n8  THE  WITH  ARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


PICK. 

Take  the  chain  and  rattle  it. 

(Solo  on  chains  which  are  sleigh  bells  disguised.} 

PLUNK  (at end.} 

That's  very  nice.  No  matter  how  poor  a  convict  may  be  in  this  prison  he's 
always  got  a  watch  and  chain. 

PICK. 
Now  try  these  blocks  of  wood  and  see  what  sounds  they'll  produce. 

(Solo  on  sticks  q/ 'wood \  which  are  8 pipe  organs,  thus  disguised?) 

PLUNK. 

You've  quite  a  music  store  in  here,  haven't  you  ? 

PICK. 
Indeed  I  have,  Mr. — Mr. — Mr. — what's  your  name? 

PLUNK. 

Smith  !  And  niy  name  got  me  into  trouble.  I  was  down  in  a  pool  room 
when  they  made  a  raid  on  it.  A  cop  caught  me  and  brought  me  before  the  judge 
who  says  to  me  :  "  What  were  you  doing  in  that  pool  room  ?  "  I  says  :  "Attend- 
ing to  my  business;  I'm  a  locksmith  and  was  making  a  bolt  for  the  door." 

PICK. 
That  was  a  good  excuse. 

PLUNK. 

The  judge  didn't  think  so.  He  says:  "What's  your  name!"  I  says: 
"  Smith."  Judge  says  :  "  And  you're  a  Locksmith,  are  you  ?  "  I  says  :  "  Yes," 
"  Well,"  says  he,  "  we'll  lock  Smith  up,"  and  here  I  am. 

PICK. 
Try  the  bars  on  the  window;  let's  see  what  you  can  get  out  of  them. 

PLUNK. 

I  wish  I  could  get  out  of  them.  I  wouldn't  be  here.  If  I  had  the  measles, 
I'd  be  all  right,  wouldn't  I  ? 

PICK. 

How  would  the  measles  help  you  ? 

PLUNK. 
I'd  break  out ! 

(Solo  on  bars  of  the  window  and  cell  door.     These  are  pipophones. ) 

PICK. 

You  are  doing  very  well.  I  didn't  think  you  knew  anything  about  music, 
especially  bits  of  ste' ". 

PLUNK. 

It  was  big  chunks  of  steel  that  brought  you  here. 

PICK. 
Don't  mention  it.     I  feel  sorry.      * 

PLUNK. 
Sorry  you  didn't  steal  the  building  and  the  sidewalk  I  suppose. 

PICK. 
Take  your  pick  of  these  hammers. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  119 


(Shows  eight  mallet-shapped  hammers.  These  hammers  each  contain  a  note  and 
when  the  mallet  is  struck  on  a  fiat  slab  laid  upon  a  table,  it  produces  a  note,  thus 
forming  an  octave. ) 

PLUNK. 

(I/aughs  )  Get  your  hammer.  You've  got  everything  here  haven't  you?  I 
don't  see  what  you  want  to  leave  this  place  for. 

PICK. 
Oh  !  Just  a  little  change. 

Pl,UNK. 

I  don't  think  you  left  any.     I'll  bet  you  stole  every  cent  in  the  bank. 

PICK. 

Now  here,  I've  saved  every  bottle  I  got  hold  of  and  formed  a  musical  instru- 
ment. I  call  it  the  "Bottle-phone." 

(Brings  out  upright  frame  on  which  are  strung  bottles  of  all  kinds,  tuned  with 
water  in  them  and  suspended  by  wires  to  the  cross-piece  of  the  frame.  The  bottles 
are  struck  with  small  Xylophone  hammers.  Solo  on  bottles.} 

PLUNK. 

I  wish  they  were  filled  with  something  good — but  they  are  merely  ghosts ; 
"  Departed  spirits  " — they  do  not  even  give  a  fellow  a  smell.  (Pick  has  removed 
frame  and  bottles. )  You  didn't  get  your  license  did  you,  and  yovi've  got  to  close 
up! 

PICK. 
Here  are  a  lot  of  rags  ! 

(Puts  down  lots  of  rags  comprising  bits  of  pants,  vests,  old  hats,  ets.  In  each 
there  is  a  cow  bell  or  smaller  bells.  In  pretending  to  search  for  certain  rags,  they 
play  upon  the  bells  bv  shaking  the  fragments  of  clothing.'] 

PI.UXK. 

There's  something  in  old  rags  after  all.  These  are  the  freshest  old  rags  I 
ever  saw.  They're  bound  to  "  ring-in  "  on  us  every  time 

PICK. 

Well,  that's  all  right.  We're  doing  time .'  Here  !  Try  these  and  blow  your 
brains  out. 

PLUNK. 
There's  where  I've  got  the  advantage  cf  you.      You  haven't  got  any  to  blow  out. 

(  They  take  up  two  pails  which  have  cornets  disguised  within  the  shape  of  the 
pails,  or  two  feather  dusters  will  be  a/p«v/v  'ate,  and  conclude  the  act  by  a  stirring 
march  ;  and  both  exit  playing,  Plunk  marching  behind  in  an  eccentric  manner.} 


Section 


A  VERY  PLEASANT  EVENING. 

FARCE  IN  ONE  SCENE.  ADAPTED  BY  FRANK  DUMONT. 

CAST. 

*EBENEZER  GREEN,  a  hayseed. 
NAPOLEON  AUGUSTUS  WRENCH,  an  Adventurer. 
Coi,ONEiv  THUNDER,  a  retired  officer. 
CHARLES  HOWARD,  in  love  with  Fanny. 
MR.  MONEYPENNY,  a  hotel  boarder. 
BOOTS,  employed  at  the  hotel. 
WAITER,  another  attentive  (?)  servant. 
FANNY  THUNDER,  the  Colonel's  daughter. 
MRS.  WAITRESS,  the  landlady. 

PROPERTY  LIST. 

Bed,  with  mattress,  sheet,  short  blanket  and  pillow. 
Table  with  hotel  register  and  writing  materials. 
Chairs. 

Placard  with  figures  "  25." 

Locomotive  imitations,  bell  and  whistle,  (organ  pipe  and  bar  of  steel.) 
Traveling  satchel  for  Fanny. 
Carpet-bag  and  umbrella  for  Green. 
Loaf  bread,  slice  of  pie. 
Tray  with  bottle  and  glass. 
Large  watch- wallet  and  boots  for  Green. 
Dark  lantern  and  pistol  for  Wrench. 
Horse-whip  for  Colonel  Thunder. 
Brooms,  hoes,  rakes,  clubs,  etc.,  for  guests. 

Stuffed  dog  with  snap  hook  in  its  mouth  to  be  fastened  to  a  ring  securely 
sewed  to  seat  of  Green's  pants. 

Costumes  for  "Pleasant  Evening"  are  ordinary,  every-day  dresses  for  male 
and  female.  The  comedian  can  wear  extravagant  clothing,  misfit  or  in  colors,  to 
denote  a  very  countrified  fellow. 

SCENE  : — Plain  chamber ;  a  bed  R.  C.  up  stage.  Window  in  flat.  A  fire-place 
R.  2  E.for  Green  to  climb  into.  In  some  conspicuous  place  the  figure  "  25." 
Table  down  L,  C-  with  Hotel  register,  pen,  ink,  etc.  Furniture  R.  and  L., 
the  whole  representing  the  best  room  in  a  country  hotel.  Landlady  discov- 
ered arranging  chairs. 

LANDLADY. 

Every  room  in  the  house  is  taken  save  this  one,  and  I  had  to  put  a  bed  into 
it.  If  business  keeps  up  this  way,  I'll  soon  be  able  to  retire  and  live  on  the  in- 
terest of  my  money. 


*  The  part  of  Ebenezer  Green  can  be  played  as  a  darkey,  in  which  case  he  will  assume 
coon  dialect  and  his  name  will  be  POMPEY  JOHNSON.  It  can  also  be  rendered  in  German  dialect, 
and  the  character  can  be  called  HENNY  DINKELHEIMER. 


THE    WlTMARK    MINSTREL    GUIDE.  121 

Engine  whistles  and  bell  heard-  ouj.s;dc.  Use  bar  of  steel  hanging  by  stout 
cord — struck  by  small  hammer  for  bell — and  organ  pipe  for  whistle. 

Ah!  There's  the  express  train — and  more  visitors!  (Looks  L.  i  E.}  I 
don't  know  where  I'll  place  them.  Oh,  but  I'm  a  very  busy  woman.  I  will  have 
to  give  up  my  own  room,  number  ten,  but  I  don't  care  as  long  as  I'm  well  paid 
for  it. 

Enter  Gustavus  Wrench  and  Fanny  Thunder  in  traveling  costume  L.  i  E. 

WRENCH  (to  Landlady,} 

My  dear  madam,  will  you  have  a  room  prepared  immediately  for  this  lady  ? 
She  is  very  much  fatigued  and  wishes  to  retire. 

LANDLADY. 

Yes,  sir.  She  can  occupy  No.  10,  near  the  parlor.  It  is  in  order,  and  a  fire 
burning  brightly. 

WRENCH. 

Thank  you.  (To  Fanny.}  Keep  up  your  spirits;  you  shall  see  your  father 
to-morrow.  I  will  put  you  on  the  first  train  in  the  morning  that  passes  through 
your  native  village.  Say  nothing  about  our  elopement  to  anyone.  They  will 
think  you  have  come  direct  from  school  for  a  short  vacation. 

FANNY. 

I  will  do  as  you  say,  and  never  will  I  be  tempted  to  commit  so  foolish  an 
act  again. 

LANDLADY. 
This  way,  if  you  please,  Miss.     I  will  show  you  to  your  room. 

Exeunt  Landlady  and  Fanny  R.  2  E. 

WRENCH. 

Well,  I've  got  myself  into  a  precious  scrape,  and  now  I've  got  to  get  out  of  it. 
I  became  acquainted  with  Fanny,  old  Colonel  Thunder's  daughter,  at  the  young 
ladies'  seminary  at  Vassar  and  persuaded  her  to  elope  with  me.  On  our  way 
here  I  discovered  that  Colonel  Thunder  is  worth  only  about  $5,000.  It  won't  do 
for  me  to  marry  less  than  $30,000.  She  has  repented  and  so  have  I ;  and  if  I  can 
get  her  safely  home  without  her  father's  knowledge  of  what  has  happened  I  shall 
think  myself  a  lucky  dog.  But  I  can't  help  laughing  to  think  what  that  fellow 
will  say,  whose  pocket  I  picked  of  this  fat  wallet,  when  he  discovers  his  loss. 
Ha !  ha  !  I  told  him  I  was  a  cousin  of  Admiral  Sampson  and  he  swallowed  it  all 
down.  Now,  before  I  leave  this  house,  I  must  pick  up  enough  to  pay  my  expenses. 

Enter  landlady  R  2  E. 

LANDLADY. 
Now,  sir,  if  you  will  register  your  name,  I  will  give  you  a  room. 

WRENCH. 
Oh,  certainly,  certainly,  my  dear  madam  ! 

Goes  up  and  registers  his  name. 

LANDLADY. 
I  will  give  you  the  bed  room  I  have  vacant.    You  see  we  are  quite  full  to-day. 

WRENCH. 
Very  well ;  I  will  go  to  my  room  immediately,  if  you  please. 

LANDLADY. 
This  way,  sir. 


122  THE  WITH  ARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


Exeunt  landlady  and  Wrench  R.  i  E.  Enter  Colonel  Thunder  in  a  great  pas- 
sion L.  i  E.  Walks  up  and  down  greatly  agitated. 

COLONEL  THUNDER. 

The  impudent  puppy,  whoever  he  is  !  I  wonder  where  I  can  find  the  landlady. 
The  unprincipled  scoundrel  !  Here  I  was  going  to  see  my  daughter  at  school  and 
give  her  an  agreeable  surprise  when  a  boy  handed  me  a  note  from  the  principal  of 
the  school,  informing  me  that  she  had  eloped  with  a  stranger,  I  should  like  to 
catch  him.  Here,  landlady  !  landlady  ! 

Enter  landlady,  R.  i  E. 

LANDLADY. 

Here,  sir,  at  your  service. 

THUNDER. 
Any  new  arrivals,  landlady  ? 

LANDLADY. 
Oh,  yes,  sir;  quite  a  number. 

THUNDER. 
Any  females  ? 

LANDLADY. 
One. 

THUNDER. 
Ah,  ha  !  A  gentle  —  no,  he's  not  a  gentleman.  A  man  accompanied  herfr 

LANDLADY. 
Yes,  sir  ;  quite  a  good-looking  gentleman. 

THUNDER. 
Bah  !  They  are  all  good-looking  in  your  eyes. 

LANDLADY  (aside}. 
The  old  grizzly  bear. 

THUNDER. 
Madam,  I  must  see  that  man  immediately.  Do  you  hear? 

LANDLADY. 
I  have  ears,  sir;  I  suppose  I  can  hear. 

THUNDER  (shouis). 
Very  well.     Go  and  tell  this  good-looking  rascal  I  wish  to  see  him. 


LANDLADY 
The  old  Rocky  Mountain  buffalo  !  (Exit  L«.,;dlady  R.  j  E.} 

THUNDER. 

If  this  proves  to  be  the  villain  I'm  in   search  of,  I'll  kill  him  within  an  inch 
of  his  life.  (Enter  Wrench  R.  i.  E.  > 

WRENCH 
Well,  sir,  your  business  !    (Aside.   By  Jingo,  I'll  bet  that's  Fanny's  father. 

THUNDER. 

Ah  !  I've  found  you,  have  I  ?    The  destroyer  of  my  family's  peace  and  happi- 
ness !     Where's  my  daughter,  sir?   Oh,  that  I  should  live  to  see  this  day  ! 

WRENCH. 
But,  sir,  allow  me  to  explain. 


THE  WITH  ARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  123 

THUNDER  (walking  up  and  down}. 
I  shall  allow  you  nothing,  sir  !     I'll  allow  you  ten  minutes  to  live. 

WRENCH  (following  him.} 
But,  my  dear  sir — 

THUNDER. 

Don't  bui  me.  You  bare-face  scoundrel.  I'll  blow  your  brains  out,  if  you 
have  any. 

WRENCH. 
My  dear  Colonel — 

THUNDER. 
Don't  dear  me.     I'll  have  you  hung. 

WRENCH. 
Allow  me  one  word  of  explanation. 

THUNDER  (stopping short}. 

Well,  proceed.  I'll  give  you  five  minutes;  at  the  expiration  of  that  time, 
sir,  I'll  give  you — thunder 

WRENCH  (aside}. 

Now  for  a  lie.  Invention  befriend  me.  (Aloud.}  My  dear  sir,  be  calm  until 
I  give  you  the  particulars  of  this  most  melancholy  affair.  You  have  no  idea,  sir, 
the  injustice  you  do  me.  No,  sir,  I  am  the  preserver  of  your  daughter's  honor 
and  good  name.  I  was  seated  behind  your  daughter  and  the  man  you  seek,  in 
the  car  and  overheard  their  conversation.  She  had  already  repented  of  her  fool- 
ish action,  and  was  expostulating  with  him,  entreating  him  to  take  her  to  her 
home.  He  refused  to  do  so,  villian  that  he  is,  when  I  interposed,  sir,  and  rescued 
your  lovely  offspring  from  the  clutches  of  as  vile  and  contemptible  a  scoundrel  as 
ever  breathed  the  breath  of  life.  I  brought  her  here.  She  is  now  enjoying  the 
sweet  repose  she  so  greatly  needs,  and  to-morrow  it  was  my  intention  to  restore  her 
to  your  arms. 

THUNDER  (cooling- down}. 

My  dear  sir,  how  can  I  thank  you  ?  Will  you  overlook  the  hasty  words  I 
uttered  a  moment  ago?  I  can  never  repay  you.  Ask  me  for  anything  I  possess; 
you  shall  have  it  and  welcome. 

WRENCH. 

Oh,  my  dear  sir,  I  did  but  my  duty.  You  think  too  much  of  it.  There  is 
nothing  I  can  ask  of  you.  But  say — during  the  tussle  the  villain  and  I  had 
together,  I  lost  my  pocket  book,  and  I  have  every  reason  to  think  he  abstracted 
it  from  my  side  pocket.  If  you  could  favor  me  with  a  small  loan  until  I  return 
to  the  city,  I  should  feel  that  I  was  amply  repaid. 

THUNDER. 

Certainly,  sir,  certainly  !  The  smallest  favor  you  could  ask.  (Takes  out 
wallet. )  How  much  shall  I  have  the  pleasure  of  loaning  you  ? 

WRENCH. 
Oh,  the  small  sum  of  fifty  dollars  will  suffice  for  present  needs. 

THUNDER. 

Fifty  dollars  !  Of  course.  (  Gives  money.)  Fifty  thousand,  if  I  had  it.  Now 
sir,  may  I  know  the  name  of  my  benefactor? 

WRENCH. 

Yes,  sir;  my  name  is  Napoleon  Gustavus  Wrench,  formerly  a  stock  broker  in 
"Wall  street,  but,  at  present,  Councilman  from  the  'Steenth  Ward,  New  York. 


124  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


THUNDKR. 

I  am  happy  to  form  your  acquaintance.  It  is  an  honor  of  which  I  feel 
proud.  But  what  has  become  of  the  scoundrel  who  sought  to  injure  me  so 

deeply  ? 

WRENCH. 

From  what  I  could  learn,  he  intended  to  stop  at  this  very  house.  He  is  dis- 
guised as  a  countryman.  You  wouldn't  know  him.  I'll  keep  watch  and  when 
he  arrives  will  inform  you  of  the  fact. 

THUNDER. 

Thank  you.  And  now,  let  us  adjourn  to  the  next  room,  and  take  a  little  hot 
water  with  some  sugar  in  it,  and  talk  over  what  has  happened. 

WRENCH. 

With  all  my  heart,  (^s  they  go  off  arm  in  ami,  H'renc/i  over  Thunder's 
shoulder  to  audience)  How  are  you,  fifty?  (Exeunt  R.  i  £.) 

Enter  Ebcnezcr  Green  L.  i  /:.  id  Hi  carpet-bag,  etc.,  speaks  off  at  wing. 

GREEN. 

I  tell  you  it's  a  swindle  and  I'll  have  you  arrested.  I  shan't  pay  it.  (  To 
audience. )  The  idea  of  charging  a  man  sixteen  dollars  to  ride  a  square.  They 
may  think  I'm  green,  but  I'll  make  some  of  them  black  and  blue  if  they  come 
any  of  their  fooling  over  me.  I  wonder  where  the  boss  of  this  house  is.  I'm 
mighty  tired  and  would  like  to  go  to  bed. 

Enter  landlady  JR.  i  E. 

LANDLADY. 
I  presume,  sir,  you  wish  accommodations. 

GREEN. 

Well,  you  presume  about  right.  I  do.  I'd  like  to  have  a  nice  big  room  full 
of  sophys  and  cheers  and  first-rate  fire,  and  I  want  it  as  cheap  as — well,  in  fact,  I 
don't  want  to  pay  anything  for  it  if  I  can  get  it  for  nothing. 

LANDLADY. 

I  guess  we  won't  overcharge  you.  Will  you  register  your  name,  if  you 
please  ? 

GREEN. 

Certainly.  Anything  to  please  a  feminine  gander.  Write  my  name  in  this 
book? 

LANDLADY. 
Yes,  sir. 

GREEN.     (Enters  his  name  with  considerable  flourish. ) 

I  guess  that  gal  thought  I  couldn't  write.  There  it  is — a  G  and  an  R,  two 
K's  and  an  N. 

LANDLADY. 

Very  well,  sir;  I'll  give  you  this  room.  There  is  a  very  nice  gentleman  in 
the  room  next  to  yours. 

GREEN. 

I'd  like  to  get  about  fifty  winks  before  the  next  train  comes  along.  I've  got 
to  be  in  Albany  to-morrow.  I've  got  a  little  business  with  the  Legislature.  Now, 
where's  the  dining-room,  so  I  can  get  a  sandwich  ? 

LANDLADY. 
Follow  me,  sir,  and  remember  this  is  your  room,  Number  25 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  125 


GREEN. 

I  won't  forget  it's  on  the  book.  Get  the  sandwich,  and  cut  the  bread  and 
meat  thick  as  you  can  for  five  cents. 

(Exit  landlady  and  Green  R.  2  E.      Enter  Wrench  R.  i  E. ) 

WRENCH. 

Well,  I'm  in  luck.  I  left  the  Colonel  sipping  his  hot  water  and  sugar,  as  he 
calls  it,  and  made  a  short  trip  through  the  house.  I've  collected  two  or  three 
watches  and  as  many  pocket  books,  and  now  I  must  throw  the  victims  off  the 
scent.  (Goes  up  to  register. )  Hello !  another  fresh  arrival .  I  guess  I'll  change 
rooms  with  this  fellow  and  throw  all  the  blame  on  him.  (Changes  number  in 
register.}  There,  old  fellow;  now  I'll  see  if  you  have  any  stamps. 

(Exit  R.  i  E.      Enter  Charles  Howard,  L.  i  E.) 

HOWARD. 

I've  tracked  the  villain  to  this  house.  The  landlady  said  the  gentleman  that 
came  with  the  lady  was  in  No.  25.  I'll  teach  him  better  than  to  run  off  with 
another  man's  intended  wife.  I'll  find  the  rascal  and  fight  him  a  duel. 

(Exit  Howard  JR.  i  E.     Enter  Moneypenny  L.  i  E.} 

MONEYPENNY. 

No.  25,  is  it?  I'll  teach  the  rascal  how  to  rob  respectable  people.  He  went 
into  my  room  and  took  my  watch.  I'll  send  him  to  jail. 

(Exit  R.  i  E.  Enter  three  or  four  boarders  together  L.  i  E.  talking  about 
robbery,  saying,  "  He's  in  the  room,  Number  25,"  and  exit  R.  i  E.) 

(Enter  Green,  R.  2  E .  eating  loaf  of  bread,  slice  of  pie  in  the  other  hand — 
carpet  bag  under  his  arm.  Landlady  follows  in  with  tray  on  which  is  a  bottle  and 
c  glass.  She  places  it  on  table. ) 

GREEN. 

That's  it !  Now,  don't  let  me  be  disturbed.  I'll  eat  my  lunch  and  then  go  to 
bed. 

LANDLADY. 
Very  well.     Good  night,  sir.  (Exit  L.  i  E.) 

GREEN. 
Good  night,  Miss.     That's  a  nice  girl. 

(Puts  down  carpet-bag,  sits  at  table.  Bus.  eating,  talking,  all  the  while.  Gets 
up  with  pie  in  one  hand  and  beer  in  the  other,  looks  about  the  room,  sees  No.  25. ) 

Hello !  That  gal  put  me  in  the  wrong  room.  She  said  No.  24  was  my  room, 
but  I  don't  suppose  it  makes  any  difference. 

(After  eating,  puts  what  is  left  in  his  carpet  bag. ) 
This  will  do  for  a  lunch  on  the  cars  to-morrow.     I  guess  I'll  go  to  bed  now. 

(Bus.  taking  out  night-cap,  night-gown,  etc.     Pulls  off  his  boots,  places  them 
oot  of  bed.     Hangs  his  coat  on  chair  near^ 
pocket-book  under  the  pillow .    (This  scene  all 
funny  as  posi" 
bed,  saying-, : 

All  I  want  now  is  to  get  about  fifty  winks. 


at  foot  of  bed.  Hangs  his  coat  on  chair  near  foot  of  the  bed,  etc.  Places  watch  and 
pocket-book  under  the  pillow.  (This  scene  all  rests  with  the  comedian.  Make  it  as 
funny  as  possible.  If  you  can  introduce  good  Bus,  do  so.)  Green  finally  gets  into 


(Enter  Boots,  whistling;  wakes  up   Green,  who  sits  up  in  bed.     Boots  takes 
Green's  boots  and  is  about  going  off.) 

Here,  bring  back  my  boots. 


126  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 

BOOTS. 
I'm  only  going  to  black  them,  sir. 

GREEN. 
But  I  don't  want  them  blacked. 

BOOTS. 

You  must  have  them  blacked.     It's  the  rule  of  the  house. 

GREEN. 
I  don't  care  about  the  rule.    I  want  my  boots. 

BOOTS. 

Can't  help  it,  sir.     Must  obey  orders. 
(Boots exits  L.  i  E.  whistling.} 

GREEN. 

That's  a  nice  trick.  Take  a  man's  boots  away.  I  wonder  if  I'll  get  them 
again. 

(Lies  down  again.  Enter  Waiter,  dancing  up  to  bed.  Takes  Green* s  coat, 
throws  it  over  his  shoulder  and  is  going  off.  Green  starts  up  again. } 

Here,  where  are  you  going  with  my  coat  ? 

WAITER. 
Going  to  brush  it,  sir. 

GREEN. 
I  don't  want  it  brushed  ! 

WAITER. 

Yes,  but  you  must  have  it  brushed.     It's  the  rule  of  the  house. 

GREEN. 
Oh  !     Confound  the  rules.     Put  that  coat  down. 

WAITER.  . 
Can't  do  it,  sir.     You  must  have  it  brushed. 

(  Waiter  dances  off  L.  i  E.) 

GREEN. 

Well,  I  never  seen  such  a  house  as  this  One  takes  my  boots,  another  takes 
my  coat.  Suppose  there's  a  fire  in  the  middle  of  the  night,  what'll  I  do?  I'll 
never  get  my  fifty  winks  this  way. 

(Lies  down.  Stage  darkened  a  little  Wrench  puts  his  head  in  L.  i  E.  Then 
enters  cautiously,  with  dark  lantern} 

WRENCH. 

All  right.  I  guess  he's  asleep.  Now  to  see  if  he  has  any  valuables.  Of  course 
he  put  them  under  his  pillow. 

(Goes  to  bed  and  takes  Green's  watch  and  pocket-book  from  under  his  pillow. 
Green  awakens  and  starts  up} 

GREKN. 
Hello  !     What  do  you  want  ? 

WRENCH  (Pulls  pistol  on  him.} 
Another  word  and  you  are  a  dead  man. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  127 


GREEN. 

{Frightened  to  death.  Pops  his  head  under  bed  clothes,  then  out,  then  under 
again,  etc.  Feels  for  his  watch,  etc.} 

Here,  where's  my  watch  and  pocket-book  ? 

WRENCH. 

If  you  speak  above  a  whisper,  I'll  let  day-light  shine  through  you.  Have  you 
any  more  money? 

GREEN. 

No?  You've  got  it  all.     I'll  holler  murder ! 

WRENCH. 

If  you  do,  I'll  shoot  you.  Lie  perfectly  quiet  for  five  minutes  or  I'll  kill  you. 
I  shall  watch  you  through  the  key-hole . 

(Backs  off  holding  pistol  at  Green.  Bus.  of  coming  on  every  time  Green  puts 
his  head  out. ) 

GREEN. 

Oh,  Lord !  Oh,  Lord !  What'll  become  ot  me  ?  Boots,  coat,  watch  and 
money,  all  gone.  Rule  of  the  house  !  They'll  take  me  next.  I'll  never  get  my 
fifty  winks. 

(Lies  down  again.     Enter  Howard  L.  i  E.} 

HOWARD. 

Where  is  the  man  that  would  make  me  miserable  for  life? 
( Goes  up  to  bed,  shakes  Green. ) 

I  shall  expect  you  in  the  morning  to  give  me  the  satisfaction  of  a  gentleman, 
sir,  a  gentleman  !  There's  my  card  ! 

(Rushes  out  L.  i  E  ) 

GREEN. 

His  card.  (Looks  at  his  card.}  I  don't  want  to  call  on  him.  I  don't  know 
him.  He  seems  to  be  pretty  well  acquainted  with  me  the  way  he  tossed  me 
about.  If  I  can't  get  my  fifty  winks  this  time,  I'll  get  up  and  go  to  some  other 
hotel. 

(Lies  down.  Col.  Thunder  enters  L.  i  E.  with  a  horse-whip.    Goes  up  to  bed.} 

THUNDER. 

So,  you  rascal !  I've  found  you,  have  I  ?  Run  away  with  my  daughter,  will 
you  ?  Take  that,  and  that ! 

(Horse-whips  him  over  the  bed.  Green  bounces  out  of  the  bed  around  the  stage 
once  or  twice,  the  Colonel  after  him.  The  Col.  goes  off  L.  i  E.  Green  gets  up 
the  chimney.  (  This  is  accomplished  by  having  a  short  step-ladder  back  of  set  fire- 
place.) Two  or  three  rush  on  stage  with  brooms,  hoes,  pitch-forks,  etc.  Search  all 
around  the  room.  Finally  Wrench  fires  pistol  up  the  fire-place ,  which  brings  Green 
down  all  in  dirt.  As  they  make  for  him  he  rushes  out  through  wing.  Dog's  barking 
is  heard  and  Green  comes  on  with  a  dog  fastened  to  his  back  ;  rushes  off  into  one 
wing  and  on  from  another,  crossing  stage.  Everybody  after  him.  Finally  goes 
through  window  in  flat.  Crash  outside,  and) 

QUICK  CURTAIN. 


128  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


THE  WAR  CORRESPONDENT. 

SKETCH. 
CAvST. 

JAKE  BLOTTER,  {  Two  American    War   Correspondents  for  the  "Daily  Pre- 

PETE  PENCIL,     f  mature." 

AGUINALDO. 

JUAN,  a  soldier. 

INEZ,  a  waiting  maid. 

FILIPINOS,  SOLDIERS,  ETC. 

PROPERTY  LIST. 

Large  box  for  man  to  hide  in,  with  hinged  lid  on  top  and  marked  on  front 
"  Coal."  (A  large  chest  will  answer. ) 

Two  chairs,  large,  old-fashioned  cradle,  pillow  and  short  sheet  for  cover, 
"prop"  rag  baby. 

Table  and  table-cover  with  few  dishes,  knives  and  forks,  tin  pudding  dish 
with  bread  reduced  to  a  soft  pulp,  large  spoon.  ("Horse"  effect  explained  in 
Section  2 ) . 

Guns  for  Juan  and  soldiers. 

Document  with  red  seal  for  Aguinaldo. 

Baby  cap  in  cradle  to  fit  Jake. 

Bottle  on  table  containing  water. 

Two  revolvers  for  Aguinaldo. 

A  "baby  cry,"  or  have  someone  in  wingt  imitate  a  baby  crying. 

Two  American  flags  for  Jake  and  Pete. 

COSTUMES. 

Jake  Blotter  and  Pete  Pencil  are  attired  as  "tramps"  at  opening.  They 
disguise  themselves  in  eccentric  military  coats,  hats  and  accoutrements. 

Aguinaldo  is  attired  in  burlesque  Spanish  military  costume. 

Juan,  Filipino  soldier,  white  pants,  white  blouse,  large  sombrerro  and  gun . 
Soldiers  same  attire 

Inez,  Filipino  girl.     Spanish  costume. 

SCENE — Cottage  near  Manila.  Plain  chamber,  door  and  window  in  flat.  Large 
box  ivith  hinged  top,  marked  "Coal,"  L.  C.  Table  C.  with  two  chairs. 
Large,  old-fashioned  cradle  R.  C.  with  " 'prop"  rag  baby.  Inez  discovered 
arranging  table 

INEZ. 

War  is  going  on  between  this  country  and  the  Americans,  and  I  don't  know 
what  I'll  do.  I'm  engaged  to  Juan,  who  will  have  to  go.  {Mournfully. )  I'll  be 
a  widow  before  I'm  married. 

(Enter  Juan,  door  in  flat,  greets  Inez. ) 

JUAN. 

I  just  ran  in  to  tell  you  that  I've  got  to  be  on  guard  to-night  at  the  castle, 
but  I  will  be  here  about  eleven  o'clock. 

INEZ. 

Be  very  careful,  for  you  know  that  Aguinaldo  has  this  house  fitted  up  like 
a  military  fort.  He's  a  crank  on  the  subject  of  soldiers  and  military  affairs.  So 
look  out. 

JUAN. 

Ill  be  careful  He  won't  catch  me  over  a  bomb-shell  or  in  a  powder 
magazine  !  So,  good  bye.  We're  on  the  lookout  for  Yankee  spies. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  129 


INEZ. 
Good  bye,  Juan,  good  bye. 

(Bus.  lovable  parting  ai  door  and  Juan  exits  ) 

The  baby  is  quiet,  so  I  can  sneak  out  for  a  few  minutes  and  buy  something 
for  Juan's  lunch.  Master  would  be  angry  if  he  knew  I  left  that  baby  alone,  but 
I  can't  help  it.  Love  before  duty. 

Exits  door.  Lid  of  box  is  raised  and  Pete  Pencil  looks  out,  comes  from  box 
and  whistles  as  if  calling.  Jake  Blotter  also  whistles  and  peers  out  from  under 
table-cloth  and  emerges  from  under  table  very  much  frightened,  hungry  and  faint.) 

JAKK. 
Oh,  take  me  home  !  Don't  let  me  die  in  this  place. 

PETE. 

Shut  up  !  Do  as  I  do.  Be  brave  and  die  for  your  country.  They  can  only 
shoot  you  once. 

JAKE. 

But  I  don't  want  to  get  shot  and  die.  I  want  to  live.  Oh,  why,  why  did 
you  bring  me  over  to  this  place  ? 

PETE  . 

To  get  news  for  the  papers.  We  can  make  a  lot  of  money  by  sending  over 
all  kinds  of  war  news.  (Jake  shivers.}  Stop  trembling  !  Remember  you  die  in 
a  glorious  cause. 

JAKE. 

You  go  ahead  and  die.  I  want  to  live.  I'd  rather  have  them  say  "there 
he  goes  "  than  "here  he  lies."  You're  always  blowing  about  bravery.  I'm  not 
brave.  I  acknowledge  that  I  was  never  cut  out  for  a  soldier 

PETE. 

Listen  to  me  !  We  are  here  surrounded  by  a  million  blood-thirsty  Filipinos. 

JAKE.     (Faints  ) 
Oh,  dear!  Tell  them  I'm  innocent. 

PETE. 

You'll  be  shot  before  me  !  There's  no  use  deceiving  you.  We'll  never  see 
the  United  States  again. 

JAKE. 

Oh,  dear  !  Oh,  this  is  awful.  You  kidnapped  me  from  home.  You  lured  me 
over  here  and  now  I'm  going  to  be  shot  by  Filipinos.  I'll  tell  our  President  on 
you. 

PETE. 

You  know  we  sneaked  into  this  house  to  avoid  the  Filipino  sentries.  Now 
we  must  make  the  best  of  it.  In  that  room — (Points  R.) — I  saw  some  military 
costumes.  We  must  disguise  ourselves.  It's  our  only  hope. 

JAKE. 
You  stay  here  and  I'll  run  over  to  the  dock  and  see  if  I  can  swim  home. 

(Horse  effect — horseman  gradually  approaching — effect  louder  and  louder  un 
til  he  halts  outside.  Jake  and  Pete  listen  in  fear. ) 

PETE. 

Too  late.  I  hear  someone  coming  on  horseback.  Quick  !  into  that  room,  ami 
put  on  the  soldier's  clothing. 


130  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


(Pushes  Jake  into  R.  2  E.  as  he  protests  and  shakes  with  fear  and  follows  after 
him.  Enter  Aguinaldo,  a  military-looking  crank,  L.  2  E. ) 

AGUINALDO. 

Where  is  Inez?  Not  here  !  Confound  that  girl  !  She  is  always  running  after 
the  soldiers,  and  here  we  are  at  war  with  the  Americans.  Every  man's  house  is  a 
fort,  and  every  man  is  a  walking  arsenal.  Ah  !  the  baby  is  quiet;  that  is  a  good 
thing,  for  it  seldom  sleeps.  Let  me  see — (Examines  document.}  American 
spies  in  the  Philippines.  Why,  of  course,  and  how  can  we  prevent  that  ?  The  way 
is  to  find  them  and  shoot  them.  Here's  the  description  of  the  two  who  have 
been  followed  by  our  soldiers. 

(Reads  as  Pete  and  Jake  enter  R.  2  E.  in  misfit  miJitarv  costume.  Aguinaldo 
looks  up. ) 

Ah  !  a  pair  of  military  gentlemen  !  What  seek  you  in  my  house  ? 

JAKE.     (Shaking. ) 
He  told  me  to  put  these  on — (Pete  checks  him. ) 

PETE. 
Shut  up,  you  idiot !  (  To  Aguinaldo. )  We  came  to  your  house  to — to— 

JAKE. 
Yes,  the  two-two  of  us  to-to  find  out  where  is  the  kitchen  ! 

AGUINALDO. 
The  kitchen  ? 

PETE. 
My  friend  means,  has  your  kitchen  been  searched  for  spies  ? 

JAKE      (Aside.} 
Yes,  for  pies,  slap  jacks,  ham  sandwich,  anything. 

AGUINALDO. 
To  what  are  you  attached,  the  Army  or  the  Navy  ? 

JAKE. 
Yes,  we  belong  to  the  Army  and  the  Navy  and  the  Infantry  on  horseback 

PETE. 
We  are  with  the  fresh  regiment  just  arrived  from  Iloilo. 

JAKE. 
Yes,  we're  oily  and  very  fresh  !  Fresnest  lot  of  ducks  you  ever  saw. 

AGUINALDO. 
Cavalry  or  Artillery  ! 

JAKE.     (Patronizingly.} 
Both  !  If  we  can't  get  that,  we'll  take  beer ;  we  don't  care. 

AGUINALDO. 
Where  are  you  stationed  ? 

PETE. 
Cavite  Castle. 

JAKE. 
He  is;  I  ain't.  I'm  on  my  own  hook. 

AGUINALDO. 
I  believe  you  are  a  pair  of  imposters. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  131 

JAKE. 
That's. right,  mister;  give  it  to  him.    He's  an  imposter. 

PETE.     (To  Jake.} 
Shut  up ! 

JAKE.     (To  Pete.} 
That  man  knows  you. 

AGUINAI.DO. 

If  you  are  soldiers,  you  have  nothing  to  fear.  But  if  you  are  spies  or 
Americans,  you  must  be  looked  after.  I'll  notify  the  guard.  {Exits  L.  2  E.) 

PETE.     (Angry.} 
Do  you  see  the  trouble  you've  got  me  into  ? 

JAKE. 
You  got  me  into  trouble,  bringing  me  over  here. 

PETE. 

Quick  !  we  must  hide.  He's  gone  after  the  soldiers. 
(Runs  for  box  and  gets  into  it.  Jake  tries  to  follow.} 
Get  out  of  this.  There's  room  for  one  only. 

JAKE. 
Where  will  I  go? 

PETE. 

Into  the  cradle  with  the  baby. 

(Jake  runs  over  to  cradle,  puts  baby  cap  on  and  throws  baby  to  Pete.    Jake 
gets  into  cradle  and  covers  himself  with  sheet  which  is  short  and  exposes  his  feet. } 
Cover  those  feet.     I  hear  somebody  coming. 

(  Jake  rocks  cradle  and  almost  spills  himself  out  of  it.  Pete  yells  to  him  to  be 
quiet.  Jake  sees  bottle  on  table,  dashes  out  of  cradle  in  spite  of  Pete' s  warning  and 
gets  the  bottle;  returns  to  cradle  and  drinks  from  it  and  then  covers  himself  with 
sheet.  Aguinaldo  heard  returning.  Pete  closes  lid  of  chest  and  Jake  remains 
quiet.  Aguinaldo  enters  ivith  tin  dish  of  bread  pulp  and  large  spoon. } 

AGUINALDO. 

The  soldiers  are  as  hard  to  find  as  the  police.  However,  I've  fixed  everything. 
I've  got  my  revolvers. 

(Shows  them  as  he  sits  at  table.  Pete  looks  out  of  box.  Jake  in  cradle  alarmed.) 

Where  is  the  bottle  I  left  upon  this  table  ? 

(Looks  under  table.    Jake  drinks  ad  lib.} 

Well,  never  mind.     It  wasn't  fit  to  drink.     It  was  poisoned  ! 

( Jake  looks  amazed. ) 

It  was  poisoned  for  an  American  spy,  in  jail  next  door. 

(Jake  spits  out  water  which  he  drank  from  bottle. ) 

And  a  deadly  poison  it  is. 

f  Jake  spits  out  more  water  and  groans.  Pete  laughs  heartily  from  his  hiding 
place. ) 

I  wonder  if  these  revolvers  are  in  good  condition. 

(Examines  them.    Levels  one  at  the  box.     Pete  slams  the  lid  down*) 

I  guess  they  are  all  right. 

(Fires  a  shot  as  if  by  accident. ) 

Hello  !  That  went  oT  accidentally. 


132  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


( Pete  is  heard  to  groan  and  baby  in  box  to  cry.  Agninaldo  has  business  of 
looking  around. ) 

I've  awakened  the  baby. 

( Comes  over  to  cradle  and  rocks  it.  Jake  cries  like  a  baby  and  Aguinaldo  tries 
to  hush  it.  Goes  and  gets  pap  to  feed  it.  As  he  comes  over  he  suddenlv  discovers 
the  ruse  and  winks  to  audience. ) 

(Aside.}  Ah,  ha  !  Playing  off  the  baby,  eh?  I'll  give  him  the  baby's  food. 
(Aloud.)  Little  Sancho  wants  some  dinner? 

JAKE.     ( Cries  baby  fashion. ) 
Sancho  is  hungry. 

AGUINAUXX 
Here's  some  dinner  for  you 

(  Throws  three  or  four  spoonfuls  of  pap  into  Jake's  face  and  then  the  remain- 
der of  it  in  one  mass,  smearing  it  all  over Jake 's 'face  as  he  bellows,  etc. ) 

Sancho  likes  his  dinner? 

JAKE.     (Sobbing.) 
Sancho  ain't  hungry  now. 

AGUINALDO. 

(Aguinaldo  goes  to  box  and  raises  lid;  aims  pistol  into  it  and  orders  Pete 
out.  Pete  emerges,  holding  on  to  baby.  \ 

I've  got  one  out  of  that  box  ! 

(  Then  with  pistol  orders  Jake  out  of  cradle.  Jake  and  Pete  try  to  get  behind 
each  other  to  avoid  Aguinaldo'' s  pistols.) 

Now  then,  you  both  die  ! 

(  They  fall  on  knees  R.  shotiting  "  Spare  us,  spare  us."  Inez  enters  door  in 
fiat  followed  by  Juan  and  4  to  6  Filipino  soldiers,  ivho  range  quickly  L.) 

There's  a  couple  of  Americans.     A  pair  of  Yankee  spies.     Down  with  them  ! 

(As  Filipinos  level  guns  and  are  about  to  fire  Jake  and  Pete  pull  small 
American  flags  out  of  bosoms  and  wave  them  at  soldiers. ) 

BOTH. 
Fire  on  this  if  you  dare  ! 

(Music  Yankee  Doodle.  Jake  and  Pete  dancing.  Soldiers  ana  rest  are  cow- 
ering. On  this  picture  oj  astonishment  a":d  of  Filipinos  baffled. ) 

CURTAIN. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  133 


\ 


ILL-TREATED  TROVATORE* 

BURLESQUE  OPERA  SCENE. 

Suitable  for  After-piece,  white  or  black  face,  male  or  mixed  minstrels.     If  y>1ayecj 
by  all  males  would  advise  black  face. 

CAST. 

MANRICO,  the  imprisoned  lover. 
LEONORA. 
THE  COUNT. 
THE  SENTRY. 
SERVANT. 

Opera-struck  ruffians  by  rest  of  Company. 

Set  prison  piece  R.  2.  E.  which  in  asks  in  a  step-ladder.  There  is  a  grated  window 
in  this  prison  piece  and  the  step-ladder  must  be  high  enough  for  MANRICO 
to  peer  over  out  window  and  sing.  Wood  scene  at  back  and  wings  used.  At 
opening  a  funny  sentry  in  eccentric  armor  is  parading  before  the  prison. 
Lights  half  doivn,  music  pizzicato  at  opening,  which  changes  into  march 
as  enter  COUNT  DE  LUNATIC  and  his  servant  MIASMA.  Sentry  salute* 
them  and  stands  at  "present"  with  spear, 

COUNT. 
Is  everything  quiet  ? 

SENTRY. 
You  could  even  hear  a  gum  drop,  your  Highness. 

COUNT. 

'Tis  well.  Guard  the  prisoner  and  see  that  he  does  not  eat  his  way  out 
through  those  granite  walls.  {Servant  exits  L.  2  E.} 

SENTRY. 

I  will  shoot  him  with  this  spear  if  he  attempts  to  bribe  me  or  come  out  of 
that  window. 

(Clattering  of  feet — Horse  effect  can  be  introduced— noises,  etc.,  heard  L.  2  E. 
and  servant  dashes  in  with  a  large  document  ivith  large  red  seal  dangling  on  end 
of  it.} 

COUNT. 

Well,  fool !    What  is  this  ?     ( All  three  frightened. ) 

SERVANT. 
Take  it !    Take  it ! 

COUNT  (timidly}. 
Who — who  sent  it? 


134  THE  WITH  ARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


SERVANT. 
I  think  it's  from  Washington. 

COUNT  (to  Sentry}. 
Take  that  document  and  examine  it. 

SENTRY. 
No,  sir  !     I'm  on  guard  and  can't  leave  my  post-office. 

COUNT. 

Cowards}  I'll  take  this  office  myself.  (Takes  document  gingerly.}  I'm 
not  afraid  of  an  investigation  or  a  court  martial.  (  Trembling. }  All  that  they 
can  do  to  me  is  to  retire  me  for  six  years  on  full  pay  !  ( Opens  document. }  Go 
get  me  some  gas. 

SERVANT. 
All  right,  your  Highness  !     (Exits  L   i  E.} 

COUNT. 

It  is  addressed  to  me,  and  of  course  must  be  for  me. 
(Servant  enters  with  lighted  candles.} 

SERVANT. 
Here's  your  electric  light. 

( Count  begins  to  grimace  as  if  reading  the  document.  Servant  peers  over  his 
shoulder,  reading  it  aloud  also. } 

Two  pairs  of  paper  collars,  one  cuff,  one  bosom  and  a  piece  of  suspender. 
( Count  turns  on  him. } 

COUNT. 
How  dare  you  read  my  letter  ? 

(Begins  reading  again.  Servant  peers  over  his  shoulder  as  before.  Count 
turns  and  they  peer  into  each  other's  faces. ) 

SERVANT. 
He  writes  a  beautiful  foot,  doesn't  he? 

COUNT. 

Mind  your  own  business  !     Hold  up  the  light. 
(Servant  raises  it  over  Count" s  head. } 
No  !  no  !     Lower  down  !    Lower  it. 

(Servant  lowers  it.  Count  reads  until  Servant  ignites  a  fire-cracker  or 
two,  which  are  wired  securely  into  the  cardboard  seal.  Soon  as  they  explode 
Count,  Sentry  and  Servant  fall  in  eccentric  manner,  sprawling •,  ad  lib.} 

SERVANT. 
The  candle  busted  ! 

COUNT  (rises}. 

Get  up  !  There  is  danger  ahead  for  us.  (Sentry  rises.}  There  is  a  plot  to 
steal  these  woods  and  kidnap  the  jail,  but  they'll  never  do  it. 

(Servant  and  Sentry  repeat  all  the  boastings  of  Count  as  he  paces  stage,  they 
imitating  him. } 


THE   WlTMARK    MINSTREL    GUIDE. 


T35 


I'll  have  the  life  of  the  first  one  daring  to  trespass  011  these  lands.  I'll  show 
them  I'm  not  a  cowardly  Spaniard.  I  am  a  New  York  politician.  They  can't 
get  anything  out  of  me.  I  wonder  what  they  take  me  for?  No,  no,  no,  never! 
Follow  me,  follow  me  to  death  if  needs  be  !  (Dashes  out  L.  i  E.) 


To  death  if  needs  be  ! 


SERVANT. 
(Imitates  Count's  exit.} 


SENTRY. 

I  don't  care  to  stay  here  alone.     I  wish  I  knew  of  some  saloon  with  a  side 
door,  but  there  isn't  one  in  this  city, 
i  Enter  Leonora  L.  2  E. ) 

LEONORA. 

i  he  cruel  Count  has  incarcerated  the  only  one  I  love  in  that  cruel  prison. 
(Peculiar  noise.}  I  hear  him  breathing  in  his  cell  and  fighting  mosquitoes. 
(  Coyly. )  Ah,  there  !  Manrico. 


MANRICO. 

Ah,  there !  Leonora.     It's  no  use,  I  cannot  slumber,  although  I  sigh  to  rest 
me.     (Chord.) 

(Music — Introduction  to  duet  from  "//  Trovatore"  tower  scene     MANRICO  sings. 
Situation  as  per  above  illustration,} 


136 


THE    WlTMARK    MiNSTREi,    GUIDE. 


MANRICO. 


Oh! 


1      have  srrh'd    to        rest. .. 


me;. 


ttie      soft     side      of         a         plank, 


•  ^_      i ^ 

M I ^  ^  I  ^  ^ 


rats       all        o    -    ver      me       creep, knee 


deep, they    creep,  So     stand-in?       up 


have       to 


sleep. 
LEONORA 


MANRICO 


Yes,  he      is       in        jail  he      is       in     jail. 

LEONORA. 


1        can't     get 


MANRICO 


Yes,         he    is      in       jail,          he    is     in      jail.  I       can't     get     bail. 

^      mm 


bail. 


Here  must       stay,         day        af    -     ter        day,         be    -    hind       the 


ggEEEEgE5EEEf^5E^E^EEEp£E^ 


bars,    with  -  out       ci    -    gars.  Beer          and  cl      -      gars. 


WlTMARK  MlNSTRKIv  GUIDE. 


137 


(As  they  conclude  Servant  enters  L.  2  E.    Sentry  is  asleep  leaning  on  spear 
during-  duet,) 

SERVANT. 
Do  you  want  to  get  him  out  ? 

IvEONORA. 

Yes  ;  but  how  can  you  get  him  out  ? 

SERVANT. 
I'll  move  the  jail  ! 

( Takes  hold  of  prison  piece  and  runs  it  into  R.  2  E.  exposing  Manrico  seated 
on  the  step-ladder.     IManrico  sees  Leonora  L.  C.) 


MANRICO  (descending-). 
Leonora  ! 

lyEONORA. 

Manrico  !     (  They  embrace  and  separate. ) 

MANRICO. 

Once  more  !     (Embrace  again.} 
(Chord  or  discord.     Count  and  funny  soldiers  enter  L.  2  E. ) 


i38  THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


COUNT. 
What's  this  ?    Treason  !     Seize  the  prisoner  !     (  Two  soldiers  seize  Manrico. ) 

LEONORA. 
Oh,  Count,  spare  him,  spare  him  !     (Kneels  to  him. ) 

COUNT. 
Never  !     (She  rises. )     He  dies  !     (Servant  puts  sword  into  Manrico' s  hands. ) 

SERVANT. 
Defend  yourself  with  that . 

COUNT. 
Traitor ! 

(Slashes  at  Servant  who  hides  behind  Sentry^ 

MANRICO. 
I'll  fight  for  my  life  ! 

(Short  sword  combat  between  Count  and  Manrico.  Servant  puts  on  muzzle 
and  umpires  the  fight  as  though  it  were  a  prize  fight,  and  Leonora  advises  Manrico 
to  stab  Count,  cut  his  nose  off,  carve  him,  use  a  razor  on  him,  etc.,  all  ad  lib. 
during  fight.  Finally  Count  disarms  Manrico  and  runs  sword  under  ///.<•  arm. 
All  exclaim:  "Oh!"  Count  tries  to  pull  out  sword,  but  cannot. ) 

COUNT. 
His  blood  is  rusty  ! 

(Pulls  and  tugs,  puts  foot  against  Manrico' s  bosom  and  is  thus  enabled  to  pull 
out  his  sword  accompanied  by  a  long  discord  in  orchestra,  made  by  violins,  as  he 
does  so,  and  Manrico  falls  dead.  Leonora  runs  to  him  and  kneels,  sobs  and  cries 
in  wild  terror. ) 

IvEONORA. 

Oh  !  you  have  killed  him  and  he's  dead.  Speak  to  me,  Manrico  !  Speak  to 
your  Leonora,  who  is  leaning  o^er  you  ! 

MANRICO  (looks  up). 
I  can't  speak;  I'm  dead.     (Lies  down.} 

COUNT. 
I'll  bring  him  to. 

SERVANT. 
Bring  three;  I'll  have  a  drink  myself. 

COUNT  ( commandingly?) 

Bring  the  anvils  and  the  hammers. 

SERVANT. 
Oh,  he's  going  to  "  knock  him." 

(Soldiers place  an  anvil  on  a  box  or  pedestal  R.  C.  and  two  more  place  an 
anvil  L.  C.  in  same  manner.  As  they  start  to  do  this  the  music  of  Anvil  Chorus 
begins,  the  introduction  being  kept  up  until  all  are  ready  to  sing.  Manrico  rises 
as  anvils  are  in  position.  Count  and  Servant  are  at  anvil  R.,  servant  having  a 
bar  of  red-hot  iron,  end  of  it  painted  red,  and  Manrico  and  sleepy  Sentry  are  at 
anvil  L.  They  have  large  or  small  hammers.  Soon  as  all  are  in  position  the 
Anvil  Chorus  begins.  There  are  no  words  used,  merely  a  "gibberish  "  of  supposed 
Italian.  Leonora  and  soldiers  are  at  ends  of  circle.  With  the  final  strokes  of 
hammers  the  curtain  descends.") 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


(Here  are  the  Italian  [/]  icords  f/iat  can  be  sung  as  chorus  proper  begins.} 

;;a  /•((',.  .  (  VOICES.) 


Sold      to    me      the    bour  -  ba  -  zee,     De 


Piaro  or  Orchestra. 


La  -  ger  Beer  from   Kr.n  -  Uu  -  kcc;      Sold      to    me,      do     Ju    -    bi  -  lee,      De 


Da    -    go   loves      de  "M.ic-cu  -  ree:    Hand  case,    Switz-er    case,   Kara  case, 


Dutch  case      in     a     tin       case,  Co  pound  de    ten  -  der  steak,        Go  pound  de 

D- 


-q--- 


E^M 


ten  -  der  steak  and    call       the        board      -     crs  1:1. 

N.  B. — If  desirec,  a  large  or  small  choris  oJ  courtiers,  nobles  and  indies  i;i  "vstume  can  be 
introduced  in  this  fini?^. 


Section  X* 


,40 


SHADOW  PANTOMIMES. 

This  very  humorous  but  mystifying  performance  will  be  explained 
in  a  simple  manner,  and  the  amateur  can  produce  the  effects  as  well 
in  the  drawing-room,  with  its  folding  doors,  as  the  professional,  with 
all  the  stage  accessories  of  height  and  space.  No  scenery  is  needed, 
but  plenty  of  "  properties,"  so  arranged  that  their  shadows  will  be  cast 
upon  the  white  sheet  or  curtain.  With  the  electrical  appliances  and 
calciums  of  the  present  time  the  shadow  pantomime  is  easily  gotten 
up,  and  will  be  a  source  of  wonder  and  plenty  of  laughter  from  your 
audience.  ^> 

The  first  thing  needed  is  plenty  of  light.  In  the  absence  of 
these  lights,  however,  a  good  substitute  for  drawing-rooms  can 


be  had  in   a  powerful  lamp   or   reflector.      This  light  is  placed  on  1 
the  floor  about  six  feet  away  from  the  screen,  sheet  or  curtain.     This! 
sheet  is  secured  between  your  folding  doors,  and  made  very  taut,  top, 
bottom  and  sides.  •    In  a  hall  or  theatre,  it  is  best  to  have  it  of  muslin 


THK  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDK.  141 

with  small  seams,  and  fastened  top  and  bottom,  also  sides,  by  tacks  or 
battens  ;  or  in  the  shape  of  a  window  curtain.  Let  it  come  flat  to  the 
stage,  so  the  feet  of  the  shadow  performers  can  be  distinctly  seen. 
The  sheet  or  curtain  will  then  look  like  illustration  on  opposite  page. 

The  audience  must  be  seated  in  the  dark;  no  lights  can  be  used  in 
front  of  the  curtain.  Behind  this  curtain  get  as  strong  a  light  as 
possible  by  means  of  a  powerful  lamp,  calcium  or  elect:  ic  (carbon ) 
such  as  are  used  in  picture  machines  or  magic  lanterns  of  the  modern 
style.  Having  arranged  your  lamp,  light,  curtains,  etc.,  you  are  new 
ready  to  begin  your  pantomime.  Remember  that  coming  near  to  the 
curtain  and  in  front  of  the  light  casts  your  shadow  on  the  curtain  life- 
size  only.  Going  nearer  to  the  light,  and  away  from  the  curtain,  you 
become  larger  and  assume  gigantic  proportions.  Step  over  the  light 
from  behind  it.  (Care  must  be  taken  during  this  not  to  turn  lamp  over. ) 
You  then  appear  as  dropping  from  the  clouds,  or  space  above.  Jump 
over  the  light,  from  in  Iront  of  it,  with  your  back  to  the  curtain  and 
audience,  and  you  appear  as  if  leaping  up  into  the  clouds,  or  space 
above,  and  you  totally  disappear  in  gigantic  proportions.  The  "  prop- 
erties "  used,  if  signs,  they  must  be  of  cardboard  with  letters  cut  out, 
so  the  light  will  shine  through  the  cut  places  thus  : 


DENTIST 


Instruments,  brooms,  hats,  fish  and  articles  well-known  are  easily 
recognized  by  their  shadows  and  need  not  be  specially  made,  except 
when  spoken  of  in  the  pantomimes  as  "  special."  Then  they  will  be 
described.  It  is  always  best  to  draw  off  a-front  scene  to  reveal  the  cur- 
tain illuminated  by  the  light  behind  it,  in  order  to  begin  the  pantomime. 
In  the  absence  of  scenes,  you  can  open  the  doors  and  get  the  same 
effect.  Remember  to  darken  the  space  in  front  of  the  curtain,  leaving 
your  audience  truly  "  in  the  dark  "  before  you  begin.  Music  is  essen- 
tial. An  overture  of  popular  melodies  enlivens  the  pantomime. 

Most  important. — Be  sure  and  stand  sideways  or  iu  profile,  during 
the  important  business  of  the  shadow  pantomime,  as  facing  the 
audience  will  not  show  the  outlines  of  your  features,  but  when  you  are 
sideways  the  entire  profile  is  distinctly  seen.  Participants  can  talk 
audibly  to  each  other,  to  convey  the  meaning  of  action  and  simplify 
matters.  Not  loud  enough,  however,  for  the  audience  to  overhear  the 
speakers.  Advise  plenty  of  rehearsals  so  as  to  get  positions  and  ges- 
tures just  right. 


142 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  145 

THE    LOBSTERSCOPE. 

PROPERTY  LIST. 


Axe. 

Imitation  log  of  wood. 

Gun  for  soldier. 

Soldier  costume. 

Purse  or  wallet  with  money. 

Horse  pistol. 


Chair. 

Lot  of  old  tools — hammer,  saw,  axe, 

auger,  etc 
Stiff   cardboard  arm  to   be  sawed  off 

from  Cripple's  body. 
Long  link  of  imitation  sausages. 


Tinker's  furnace  and  soldering  irons.  Lady's  bustle. 

Box,  with  strap  for  tinker  to  carry  on  Tin  pump  with  live  cat  inside  of  it. 


his  back. 
Dummy  baby. 
Tin  dish  of  sawdust  and  large  spoon. 


Basket,   with   imitation   crabs   and  a 
lobster. 

(See  descriotion  in  pantomime.) 


Police  outfit.  Cardboard    skeleton    with    legs    and 

Crutches  for  Cripple.  arms  loose. 

Money  for  Cripple. 

Music— Either  a  6-8  two-step  or  waltz,  very  piano. 

Clown  enters  ft.  Pantaloon  L.  Clown  yawns  showing  he  is  lazy  and  sleepy. 
Pantaloon  motions  to  Clown  to  get  his  axe  and  chop  some  wood.  Pantaloon  gets 
the  axe  from  L.  puts  it  into  Clown's  hands  and  tells  him  to  chop.  Clown  begins 
chopping  at  log  of  wood  C\  Pantaloon  starts  L.  Clown  falls  asleep  with  axe 
raised,  Pantaloon  turns  and  comes  to  Clown  and  slaps  him  on  the  back.  Clown 
begins  chopping  rapidly,  and  Pantaloon  exits  L.  Clown  gazes  after  him,  and  in 
so  doing,  allows  the  axe  to  strike  his  toe,  (apparently)  and  he  drops  the  axe, 
hopping  about  in  pain.  Enter  soldier  with  gun  R.  Clown  about  to  run  away 
when  soldier  levels  gun  at  him,  and  orders  him  to  return.  Soldier  says  Clown 
has  got  to  enlist,  to  go  and  fight  for  his  country  .Clown  says  he's  brave,  and  only 
too  glad  to  go.  Demands  the  gun,  to  show  soldier  how  he  can  drill.  Gets  the 
gun  and  after  few  movements  with  it,  levels  it  at  soldier,  and  commands  him  to 
take  off  soldier  hat,  then  coat,  and  orders  soldier  out  very  bravely.  Soldier  exits 
R.  Clown  puts  on  coat  and  hat  and  paces  stage  with  gun.  Pantaloon  runs  across 
from  L.  to  R.  Clown  puts  out  his  foot  and  trips  Pantaloon,  who  falls  on  his  face, 
then  rises.  Seeing  soldier  he  is  afraid,  and  about  to  run  when  Clown  orders  him  to 
halt ;  then  he  orders  him  to  "hands  up  "  and  throw  down  his  money.  Pantaloon 
throws  purse  on  ground,  then  Clown  orders  him  to  leave.  Pantaloon  frightened, 
exits  L.  Clown  laughs,  puts  down  gun  and  begins  to  count  money  in  the  purse; 
as  he  is  seated  C.  Pantaloon  returns  L.  sees  clown,  and  gliding  behind  him  takes 
the  gun  and  levels  it  at  Clown,  who  is  busy  counting  money.  Clown  turns  his 
head  and  peers  into  gun  barrel,  drops  money  and  starts  to  run  R.,  when  Pan- 
taloon orders  him  to  halt.  Pantaloon  compels  Clown  to  take  off  hat  and  coat, 
which  he  does.  Then  they  agree  to  divide  the  articles,  put  down  gun  and  seat 


up  gun 

Tinker  L.  with  furnace  and  soldering  irons  in  it.  Box  upon  his  back.  He  pauses 
C.  Clown  runs  out  from  L.  and  greets  him.  4  Pantaloon  enters  R  They  engage 
in  conversation.  Clown  steals  a  hot  iron  out  of  the  furnace,  then  Tinker  turns  to 
talk  to  him  and  Pantaloon  steals  one.  Clown  puts  his  iron  into  his  pocket  and  it 
burns  him.  He  capers  about  and  yells,  then  takes  out  iron,  and  hands  it  to 
Tinker,  who  burns  his  hands  as  he  is  'seizing  the  iron.  Pantaloon  burns  himself 
with  his  stolen  iron,  and  then  burns  the  Tinker  in  trying  to  return  it.  The  Tinker 
with  the  hot  iron  burns  both  Clown  and  Pantaloon  on  arms,  legs,  back,  etc.,  then 
in  great  anger  exits  R.  threatening  them.  Clown  and  Pantaloon  feel  the  burnt 


144  THE  WITH  ARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


parts  of  their  body  and  show  grief  and  pain.  Enter  woman  with  baby  L.  They 
halt  her  C.  While  she  is  talking  to  Pantaloon,  the  Clown  steals  her  bonnet  and 
puts  it  on  himself.  They  both  admire  the  baby.  Woman  asks  Clown  to  hold  it. 
He  says  "No;  Pantaloon  likes  to  hold  babies."  She  turns  to  him  and  asks  him  to 
hold  the  baby,  puts  it  in  his  arms  and  exits.  Clown  laughs  at  Pantaloon  and  the 
baby  begins  to  cry.  (Use  baby-cry. )  Clown  is  in  great  glee  over  Pantaloon's 
troubles  with  the  baby.  He  paces  the  floor  with  it.  Clown  says:  "The  baby 
is  hungry;  let's  feed  it."  Clown  gets  a  tin  dish  of  sawdust  and  a  big  spoon 
from  R.  and  shows  that  the  dish  is  full  of  "stuff"  by  stirring  it  with  spoon. 
Comes  to  baby  and  tries  to  feed  it.  Baby  cries  very  loud.  Clown  becomes 
very  angry  and  forces  spoon  down  the  baby's  throat.  Pantaloon  upbraids 
him  for  *it,  when  Clown  throws  contents  into  Pantaloon's  face.  Pantaloon 
throws  baby  at  clown  who  throws  it  back  again  at  him,  but  misses  Panta- 
loon, who  dodges  it,  and  it  strikes  a  policeman  who  is  entering  L.  Clown 
and  Pantaloon  scamper  off  R. ,  pursued  by  policeman.  Woman  runs  in  L.  picks 
up  the  baby  and  starts  in  pursuit  also,  R.  Cripple  enters  L  ,  comes  to  C.  and 
pauses.  Clown  and  Pantaloon  rush  in  from  A*,  bump  against  Cripple  and  knock 
him  down.  They  aid  him  to  arise  and  pick  up  his  crutches,  apologizing  and  try- 
ing to  soothe  the  Cripple's  ruffled  feelings  Cripple  says  he  wants  to  see  the 
doctor.  Clown  says  "there's  the  doctor,"  pointing  to  Pantaloon.  Cripple  says 
he  needs  doctor's  attention  at  once  Pantaloon  says  "five  dollars  in  advance." 
They  get  the  money  from  Cripple  and  Clown  demands  half  of  it.  Pantaloon  gives 
him  a  coin  and  orders  him  to  get  a  chair.  Clown  brings  a  chair  to  C.  Cripple 
sits  down.  Pantaloon  orders  Clown  to  get  his  instruments.  Clown  returns  with 
hammer,  saw,  axe,  auger  etc.  Drops  them  at  Cripple's  feet  who  in  terror  rises 
to  escape,  but  is  held  in  chair  by  Clown.  Pantaloon  examines  Cripple's  legs,  and 
concludes  that  the  pain  is  in  the  Cripple's  arms.  Takes  the  saw  and  amid  much 
bustle  and  fright  on  the  part  of  the  Cripple,  Pantaloon  saws  off  one 
of  his  arms.  (This  is  done  by  Cripple  holding  his  A*,  arm  close  to  his 
side  and  using  a  stiff  cardboard  arm,  which  Clown  slyly  brings  in  and 
holds  close  to  Cripple's  side,  or  shoulder,  while  he  is  seated  looking  A*.) 
They  saw  off  this  arm  and  Clown  holds  it  up,  then  throws  it  over  the  light. 
Cripple  demands  his  crutches  ;  Clown  gives  him  but  one,  telling  him  he  has  but 
one  arm  and  needs  but  one  crutch.  Cripple  exits  L.  Clown  and  Pantaloon 
congratulate  each  other  on  their  surgical  skill.  Enter  fat  man  running  and  in 
great  pain,  L.  They  capture  him  and  ask:  "What  ails  you?"  Fat  man  motions 
he  has  terrific  cramps  from  eating  something.  Clown  and  Pantaloon  demand 
money  for  treatment.  Fat  man  gives  money;  both  grab  for  it.  Pantaloon  gets  it. 
They  order  fat  man  to  sit  down;  they^peer  into  his  mouth.  Pantaloon  runs  his 
arm  (apparently)  down  the  fat  man's  throat  and  pulls  out  long  links  of  sausages 
(made  of  muslin. )  Then  Clown  puts  his  arm  down  the  fat  man's  throat  and  pulls 
out  a  lady's  bustle.  These  articles  are  all  under  fat  man's  coat  and  pulled  out  to 
seem  to  come  from  his  open  mouth.  Clown  holds  up  the  bustle  and  then  throws 
it  over  light.  Fat  man  squirms  and  kicks  again  saying  he's  worse.  They  com- 
pel him  to  lie  on  the  floor.  Clown  gets  a  tin  stomach-pump.  A  tin  pump  large 
enough  to  hold  a  live  cat.  The  thick  wire  as  a  pumping  rod  or  piston  can  be 
on  the  outside  of  the  cylinder.  They  force  the  lower  end  of  the  pump  into  the 
fat  man's  mouth,  then  Clown  pumps  They  raise  the  pump  and  open  the  lid  and 
spill  out  a  live  cat.  Fat  man  rises,  thanks  them,  says  he  feels  better,  shakes 
hands  with  the  doctors  and  exits  R.  much  relieved.  Doctors  put  away  the  '  'prop. ' ' 
used,  and  shake  hands  with  each  other.  Fish-horn  is  blown  off  R.  and  enter  a 
fish  peddler  with  a  basket  on  R.  arm.  He  comes  C.  They  stop  him  and  demand 
price  of  fish.  The  peddler  says  he  is  selling  live  crabs  and  lobsters.  They 
express  delight  and  say  they  love  crabs  and  lobsters.  As  peddler  talks  to  Clown, 
Pantaloon  steals  a  crab  and  puts  it  in  his  pocket.  Then  peddler's  attention  is 
taken  up  by  Pantaloon  and  Clown  steals  a  crab  and  puts  it  in  his  pocket;  then  he 
puts  his  hand  into  the  basket  and  slips  his  finger  into  a  ring  sewn  into  claws  of  a 
large  (linen)  lobster  and  withdraws  his  hand  with  the  lobster  clinging  to  it 
Yells,  capers  and  expresses  pain.  Pantaloon  comes  over  to  aid  him  and  gets  the 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  u.S 


lobster  fastened  to  his  band.  He  yells  and  jumps  and  sbrieks  for  help.  The 
peddler  tries  to  rescue  his  lobster  and  gets  it  fast  to  his  fingers.  He  yells,  jumps 
and  in  wild  antics  exits  R.  with  lobster  clinging  to  his  fingers  or  hand  Clown 
and  Pantaloon  laugh  at  peddler's  misfortune,  when  suddenly  the  crabs  in  their 
pockets  bite  them.  Clown  strikes  his  pocket,  jumps,  yells  for  help,  etc.,  and  then 
puts  in  his  hand  and  takes  out  crab  from  pocket  and  flings  it  out  AJ.  Pantaloon 
strikes  at  his  pocket  and  takes  out  the  crab  after  a  violent  struggle  and  flings  it 
out  L.  Policeman  followed  by  peddler  enters  R.  Lively  music  as  chase  begins. 
Clown  and  Pantaloon  run  off  L  .followed  by  policeman,  peddler,  woman  with 
baby  and  soldier,  all  running  in  eccentric  manner.  Then  Clown  returns  by 
jumping  down  over  the  light  from  behind  it  and  running  down  close  to  sheet  and 
off  R.\  Pantaloon  next,  then  Policeman,  Peddler,  soldier  and  \\oinan  last.  Soon 
as  all  are  off  R.  Clown  returns  close  to  sheet  from  K.  at  C.,  he  turns  and  runs 
up  stage  and  jumps  over  the  light  going  upwards.  Then  Pantaloon,  then  police- 
man, then  soldier,  and  last  of  all  the  woman.  Soon  as  she  jumps  over  the  light, 
Clown  and  Pantaloon  jump  back  again  downward  and  roll  down  towards  the 
sheet.  Get  on  their  knees,  praying  for  mercy  as  a  cardboard  skeleton  is  dangled 
before  the  light,  by  someone  stationed  there.  The  skeleton  will  be  of  huge  pro- 
portions and  when  shaken  will  appear  to  be  grasping  Clown  and  Pantaloon  by 
the  hair  of  tlirr  heads. 

CURTAIN. 


146 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


FROLICS  IN  THE  MOON* 

A  SHADOW  PANTOMIME. 
PROPERTY  LIST. 


Sausage  machine. 

(See  description  in  pantomime.) 
Sign  ' '  Sausage. ' ' 

(Letters  cut   to    allow    light    to    shine 
through  them.) 

Money  for  Pantaloon. 

Imitation  or  live  dog. 

(If  imitation,  have  it  on  a  thin  board  to 
glide  along  when  pulled  on  by  string.) 

Link  of  sausages,  6  or  7  feet  long. 

Link  of  two  sausages. 

Sign  "  Dentist." 

Chair. 

Old    tools  —  hammer,    mallet,     saw, 

auger,  plyers   and  a  large  wooden 

tooth. 
(See  description  in  pantomime  itself.) 


Five  profile  fishes  on  a  platter  or  in  a 

pan. 
Hoop  skirt  and  dress  to  be  pulled  oft 

tThis  dress  is  made  like  a  large  apron. 

Woman  unties  the  string  and  "walks  out 

of  it"  as  dress  is  pulled. 

Cot-bed. 

Axe. 

Knife. 

Cardboard  hea  -t. 

Cardboard   skeleton,    to    work    arm* 
and  legs. 
(See  description.) 

Broom. 

Boxing  gloves  for  Clown  and  Panta- 
loon. 

Policeman's  outfit  for  two  persons. 


NOTE. — It  must  be  remembered  that  almost  everything  expressed  must  be 
done  in  pantomime  and  as  noiselessly  as  possible. 

(Music—  Waltz,  Very  Piano. ) 

Clown  and  Pantaloon  enter  L.  meet  C.  and  shake  hands  ;  point  to  R.  and 
say:  "Hello  !    Somebody's  coming."    Enter  two  men  R.  with  a  sausage  machine, 


a  narrow  box  about  ten  feet  high,  and  with  a  wheel  to  turn  as  if  grinding.  The 
men  place  the  machine  R.  C.  and  Clown  speaks  to  first  man,  asks  nature  of  bust- 
ness  machine.  Man  says:  "  It's  a  sausage  machine, "and  holds  up  a  sign,  show- 
ing letters  "Sausage."  Then  hands  the  sign  to  his  partner.  Clown  asks: 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTRKL  GUIDE.  147 


"How  much  for  it?"  Man  shows  with  fingers  that  he  wants  fifteen  dol- 
lars. Clown  and  Pantaloon  search  their  pockets  and  find  money  ;  pay  it  to  man, 
who  exits  with  his  partner,  jR.  Clown  and  Pantaloon,  delighted  over  their  pur- 
chase, begin  to  look  for  "material."  Enter  a  woman  /,.,  leading  dog  by  a  string. 
Pantaloon  engages  her  in  conversation  and  Clown  sneaks  behind  her  and  unties 

the  dog  and  takes  it  in  his 
arm.  Lady  exits  A*.     They 
put  the  dog  in  the  machine 
and   Pantaloon     "grinds" 
it.     Clown  pulls  out  a  link 
of    sausages,      about      six 
or  seven  feet  long.     They 
are  delighted.    Clown 
throws   sausages   over   the 
light.    A  fat  man  enters  1^ 
They  are  delighted  with  hi 
size,   and   motion   to   ead" 
other  that  he  will  make 
great  lot  of  sausages    The? 
invite    Fat    man   to    come 
over  and  inspect  the  ma- 
chine ;   they   coax   him   to 
peer  into  it ;  then  they  seize 
him,  and  amid  much  bluster 
they    force   him   into    ma- 
chine, or  rather  behind  it, 

where  he  crouches  out  of  sight.     Pantaloon  "grinds"  but  no  sausages  appear. 
Clown  orders  him  to  grind  faster,  which  he  does.   Clown  peers  into  end  of  machine 
and  pulls  out  two  sausages  ;  shows  them  to  Pantaloon  and  both  are  disgusted  and 
shove  the  machine  off  into  I\ .     Fat  man  creeps  off  with  it.    Knter  dentist  L    with 
sign  "  Dentist  "     He  calls  for  assistance  and  Pantaloon  enters  R.t  takes  the  sig~ 
and  exists  with  it /..     Dentist   rubs   his   hands   as  if   expecting  business.    Ento 
victim  with  toothache  L.     Pantaloon  brings  a  chair  and  victim  is  forced  into  it  L 
Both  peer  into  victim's  mouth.     Dentis-t  sends  Pantaloon  after  tools  and  he  brings 
in  auger,  hammer,  plyers,  etc.  ;  drops  them  at  victim's   feet,  who  lumps    up   l 
alarm  and  seek?-  to  escape,  but  they  force  him  into   chair,   and  demand  money 
Victim  pays  ;  then    Dentist  puts  auger  into  his  mouth  and  works  at  tooth  ;  thej, 
gets  a  chisel  and  ham- 
mer and  works  at  the 
tooth  again  ;    then  he 
gets    the    plyers    and 
puts  them  into  man's 
mouth   and  secures  a 
large  wooden   tooth, 
which    Pantaloon  has 
brought  in  and  holds 
ready.      The  plyers  x 

catch  the  tooth  by  a 
nail  in  it's  head.  Dent- 
ist  pulls  and  tugs  in 
all  shapes  at  the  tooth; 
Victim  squirms  during 
this  tugging.  Then 
dentist  puts  his  foot 
against  the  man's  chest 
and  with  this  brace  he 
gives  a  long  pull  and 
draws  out  the  tooth  ; 
bolds  it  up  to  view. 


I48 


THE  WITH  ARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


Victim  exits  R  ;  shaking  head  over  successful  operation.  Enter  Clown  A*.,  Pant- 
aloon /,.,  motioning  that  someone  is  coming.  Rnter  woman  with  pan  on  her  head, 
containing  four  or  five  profile  cardboard  fishes.  They  halt  C.,  engage  her  in  con- 
versation and  Clown  steals  a  fish  and  Pantaloon  steals  one,  until  pan  is  empty. 


Then,  as  woman  (man)  starts  to  exit  A*. ,  Clown  takes  hold  of  her  dress  and  it 
comes  off,  exposing  her  hoops  worn  over  tight  pair  of  pants  ;  Clown  laughs  and 
throws  skirt  (or  dress)  over  the  light,  also  the  fish.  They  now  show  signs  of 
being  weary  and  want  to  sleep  Pantaloon  gets  a  cot-bed  from  L  ,  places  it  L.  C. 
and  gets  into  it.  Clown  pulls  Pantaloon  out  of  the  cot  and  gets  into  it  himself. 
Pantaloon  pulls  Clown  out  and  gets  into  bed.  Clown  exits  A".,  and  returns  with 
axe  ;  hits  Pantaloon  several  times  on  head  with  axe  ;  then  he  gets  a  knife  and 
pretends  to  cut  into  Pantaloon's  breast,  and  pulls  out  a  cardboard  heart  and  holds 
it  up  to  view.  (The  heart  and  knife  were  on  the  cot  when  brought  out.)  As 
Clown  holds  up  the  heart,  a  skeleton  dangles  before  the  light,  grabbing  at  Clown, 
who  in  great  terror  sees  it  and  runs  out  L .,  partially  pursued  by  skeleton,  which 


now  returns  and  frightens  Pantaloon,  who  rises.  In  great  terror,  he  shoves 
cot  out  /,.,  pursued  and  beaten  by  skeleton  This  skeleton  is  of  cardboard, 
about  three  feet  high,  and  the  arms  and  legs  are  jointed  like  a  "Jumping- 
Jack ; "  this  makes  the  arms  and  legs  work  in  all  shapes.  A  stout  wire 


THE  WJTWAKK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. 


149 


fixed  to  a  block  of  wood  in  skeleton's  head  serves  to  hold  it  out  over  the 
light  Soon  as  skeleton  drives  Pantaloon  out  /,.,  a  ballet  dancer  runs  out  from 
J\.  and  dances  a  "Highland  Fling,"  C.  The  dancer  wears  short  skirts  like  a 
ballet  girl.  Afier  the  short  "fling,"  the  dancer  runs  out  L.  in  eccentric  manner. 
Then  a  man  (dentist)  enters  R.,  woman  /..  They  meet  C  ,  and  begin  to  embrace 
each  other  ;  then  they  kiss.  When  they  kiss  for  the  second  time,  a  woman  (sup- 
posed to  be  girl's  mother)  runs  out  from  B.  with  a  broom  and  beats  the  man  and 
woman  off  L  Then  enter  Clown  and  Pantaloon  R.  and  /,.,  with  boxing  gloves. 
They  meet  C.  and  begin  a  prize  fight.  They  spar  and  dance  away  from  each  other 
several  times.  Then  Clown  strikes  Pantaloon  an  upper-cut,  and  Pantaloon  becomes 
a  "Giant"  in  size  and  strikes  down  at  Clown  ;  then  he  conies  nearer  to  curtain 
and  becomes  natural  size  again.  More  sparring,  and  Pantaloon  strikes  Clown  an 
upper-cut  and  becomes  gigantic  in  size.  Clown  kicks  and  steps  upon  Pantaloon's 
head. 

Then  comes  close  to  curtain  and  becomes  life-size.  Both  strike  each  other 
and  both  become  giants  ;  spar,  and  come  down  to  life-size  ;  suddenly,  Clown 
strikes  Pantaloon,  who  falls  R.  C.  Then  there  is  a  shout  of  "  Police  !  "  Clown 
and  Pantaloon  run  out  A'.  Two  policemen  run  across  from  L  to  R.,  followed  by 
a  woman  in  hoop-skirt  Then  Clown  comes  down  over  the  light,  runs  down  to 
curtain,  then  off  into  L.  Pantaloon  comes  down  over  light  and  exits  same  way. 
Then  the  first  po'.iceman  and  the  second  policeman,  then  the  woman  with  hoops. 
Soon  as  she  is  out,  Clown  leturns  L  ,  comes  to  C.,  and  runs  up  stage  and  jumps 
over  the  light ;  then  Pantaloon;  then  first  policeman;  then  second  polictman  ; 
then  the  woman  in  the  hoop  skirt.  Soon  as  she  jumps  over  the  light,  a  pair  of 
hands  (one  of  the  policeman)  is  held  over  the  ligh'  ;  one  each  side  of  it,  and  they 
•will  appear  of  tremendous  size  upon  the  sheet.  Agitate  the  fingers  as  if  grasping 
at  an  object,  as  the  curtain  descends.  (  "  Hurry"  music  throughout  the  finale.) 

CURTAIN. 


"In  the  Far  East" 

4  Japanese  First  Part 

Scene  represents  an  oriental  fete  for  which  a  plain  "  interior" 
can  be  used,  or  it  can  be  given  on  a  platform  without  scenery, 
but  where  a  practical  curtain  can  be  hung.  The  "oriental 
atmosphere  "  must  predominate  and  to  accomplish  this  it  is 
advisable  to  follow  out  the  scheme  of  decoration  given  in  opposite 
illustration.  Such  accessories  as  ^Japanese  lanterns,  fans, 
screens,  mats,  panels,  bamboo  floor  cloths  and  curtains,  small 
dolls  and  figures  can  be  purchased  at  a  most  moderate  price.  Add 
to  these  electric  drop  lights  and  small  bulbs  and  the  scene  will 
be  orientally  beautiful.  All  the  members  of  the  first  part 
appear  in  Japanese  make-up  and  Kimonos.  The  principal 
characters  are  drawn  from  "The  Mikado,"  as  follows: 

(NOTE  —  This  first  part  is  suitable  for  male,  female  or  mixed  minstrels.) 

1  '  Other  Maids  from  School"  Katisha  '  '  Other  Maids  from  School" 

(Female)  -f  (Female) 

Wandering  Minstrels  Mikado  Wandering  Minstrels 

(Male)  Interlocutor  (Male) 


Circle  Circle 

Pitti  Sing  -f  Pish  Tush  Pitti  Sing  -f  Pish  Tush 

Yum  Yum  +  Poo  Bah  Yum  Turn  -f  Poo  Bah 

Peep  Boo  4-  Ko  Ko  Peep  Boo    -f    Ko  Ko 

(Female)  Ends  (Male)  (Female)  Ends  (Male] 

It  is  suggested  that  this  first  part  be  given  in  Mongolian  make-up,  although 
the  ends  can  black  up  if  so  desired.  It  is  not  necessary  to  introduce  all 
oriental  musical  numbers,  but  it  is  more  effective  to  "  remain  in  the  picture" 
as  much  as  possible.  <[.  A  surprise  effect  showing  "Old  and  New  Japan" 
can  be  realized  by  having  the  singers  (not  ends  or  middle  men)  underdressed  in 
Tuxedo  (dinner  coat)  suits,  black  ties  and  vests,  and  at  a  certain  cue  or  during 
first  refrain  of  song  in  the  middle  of  the  first  part  cross  stage  and  exit  in 
short-step  Chinese  fashion,  remove  kimono  and  return  on  next  refrain  of  same 
song  a  la  young  College  Jap  in  cake-walk  steps  to  seat.  Lady  singers  in  the 
female  first  part  can  do  the  same,  using  as  underdress  white  or  light  colored  while 
shirt  waist  and  dark  skirt.  Mongolian  facial  make-up  and  wig  is  to  be  retained 
for  these  changes 

Ideas  for  programs  will  be  cheerfully  furnished  for 
either  male  or  female  performances  on  application. 

*A11  this  material^  including  electric  lighting,  can  be  fur- 
nished by  The  Crest  Trading  Co.  See  directory  on  following  pages, 


DIRECTORY 

Japanese  Specialties 

We    can    supply    at   reasonable   prices 


Kimonos  Scrolls 

Lanterns  Incense 

Fans  Gongs 

Umbrellas  Parasols 

Screens  Sandals 

Mats         Napkins        Dolls 


We  will  cheerfully  give  further  information 
regarding  Japanese  decorations  for  entertain- 
ments, social  gatherings,  etc.,  on  application. 


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"The  Amateur  Entertainer" 

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MINSTREL  OVERTURES,  (A 

The  First  Impression  Generally  Counts ! 

The  first  impression  of  a  minstrel  show  is  its  opening  chorus.  Realizing  this,  we  have  devoted 
a  great  deal  of  time  and  thought  to  this  particular  subject,  with  the  gratifying  result  that  the 

WITHARK  MINSTREL  OVERTURES  AND  OPENING  CHORUSES 

are  built  on  the  most  perfect  and  practical  systems  known. 

They  are  compiled 
on  original  lines  of 
'catchy,  popular 
and  specially  com- 
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appropriate  "busi- 
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these  overtures 
veritable  musical 
kaleidescopes  o  f 
interest  to  all 
classes. 

The  Witmark 
Minstrel  Over- 
tures and.  Open- 
ing* Choi  uses  are 
really  a  long  felt 
want  satisfied.  The 
Piano  and  Vocal 
Scores,  ( ha  ndsome- 
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yet  comprehensive 
manrer,  full  in- 
structions and  di- 
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tambos,  so  as  to 
derive  "  surprise  " 
effects  from  them. 

'"Cues"  for  inter- 
locutor and  ends. 
Particular  atten- 
tion is  paid  to  the 
voice  arrangement 
of  these  overtures. 
as  demonstrated 
by  the  improve- 
ment in  Nos  'Z  and 
3,  where  the  male 
and  female  voice 
parts  are  printed 
on  separate  system 
of  staves,  thereby 

freatly    simplyfy- 
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study.      The   num- 
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have  been  used  uy 
hundreds  of  organ- 
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greatest      vossible 
success.   L,etu  rs  i,f 
endorsements  galore.    Not  one  dissenting  communication  ever  received. 

Each  Overture  is  also  specially  arranged  and  printed  for  full  orchestra,  in  a  manner  m  t 
too  difficult,  but  effective. 

Each  Overture  also  contains  separate  voice  parts  in  octavo  form.     Handy  and  ex  pen. -.e 
saving.     Only  25c  per  part. 

Each  Overture  is  so  arranged  that  it  can  be  used  for  female  minstrels. 
To  arrange  an  Overture  similar  to  these,  would  involve  a  cost  of  at  least  $25. OO. 

Price  of  Overtures  for  Piano,  Nos.  1,2,3 $1.1 0  each.  , 

Price  of  Overtures  for  Orchestra,  Nos.  1,2,  3 l.UOeach." 

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No. 


Best  Quality    of    Heads 

The  Best  in  the  Mar- 
ket   for    the    Money 


1.  10  inch  Calfskin,  3  sets 
Jingles,  Maple  Rim,  Fancy 
Painted  $0.85  each 

No.  2.  8  inch  .Calfskin,  3  sets  Jin- 
gles, JNickel  Plated  Rim 
(Boys'  or  Ladies'  Size) 1.35  " 

No.  3.  10  inch  Calfskin,  6  sets 
German  Silver  Jingles,  Nickel 
Plated  Rim,  Professional.  A 
fine  article 2.50  ** 

No.  4.  10  inch  Calfskin,  12  sets 
Jingles,  Maple  Rim,  Painted 
Red  i.oo  " 

THIS  IS  OUR  BIG  SELLER. 

No.  5.     8   inch   Calfskin,   12   sets 

Jingles 1.25    " 

No.  6.     10  inch  Calfskin,  14  sets 

Jingles,    Skeleton  Model 1.60    " 

Postpaid  on  receipt  of  price 


THE    CREST 

BURNT  CORK 

There  is  Cork  and  there  is  what  some 
call  "Cork."  Good  Cork  is  healthful  for 
the  skin,  while  the  other  is  very  injurious. 

We  make  only  the  best  that  is  used  by 
the  most  prominent  professionals.  The  dif- 
ference in  price  is  trivial,  but  the  satisfac- 
tion obtained  is  worth  three  times  the  money. 


The    Crest   brand 'is    especially    prepared 
from  the  best   possible   ingredients   and    we 
stand   ready   to   guarantee   every    box   pur- 
chased. 

Price  per  Box,  50  cents 

Add  7  cents  for  postage. 


BONES 


Of  various  well-seasoned  woods,  and 
weights,  as  used  by  well-known  professional 
end  men. 

PRICE  LIST 

No.  1.     Black  walnut,  boys'  size, 

5%  in.,  in  sets  of  4  pieces. $0.10  per  set 
No.  2.      Rosewood,    boys'    size, 

£>y2  in.,  in  sets  of  4  pieces.  .    .20       " 
No.  3.      Rosewood,    men's   size,    7 

in.,  in  sets  of  4  pieces 25       " 

No.  4.     Cocoawood,  boys'  size,  5l/2 

in.,  in  sets  of  4  pieces 30        " 

No.  5.      Cocoawood,    men's    ::rs, 

7  in.,  in  sets  of  4  pieces..  ...   .8*       * 

No.   6.     Ebony,  boys'  size,  5J/2  in., 

in  se.'s  of   4   pieces 35        "• 

No.   7.      Ebony,  men's   size,   7   in., 

in  sets  of  4  pieces 10        " 

Add  6  C  nts  per  Set  for  Postage 

CLAPPERS 

Patent,  Flat  Walnut,  with  2  Flappers. 
Especially  recommended  for  boys  and  ladies. ! 
Price  per  set  of   «      1  ">  <*-**•„    •  -><;tpaj<ll 


THE  CREST  TRADING  COMPANY 


144-146  'West  3*-th  Street,  New  York 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.  —  Directory. 

'The  Crest"  Minstrel  "End  Collar 

An  ABSOLUTE  NECESSITY  for  the  "corner  comique" 


are  tne  only  manufacturers  of  an  end  collar  for  the  general 
demand  and  carry  all  regulation  sizes  in  stock.  €[,  Patterned 

after  the  kind  used  by  Lew  Dockstader  and  other  minstrel  stars. 

who,  by  the  way,  were  obliged   to  have  theirs  measured  to  order 

until  we  made  up  "  The  Crest  "  for  them.  €£  Made  from  the  best 

three-ply  linen,  laundered,  ready  for  use. 

PRICE,  FIFTY  CENTS  EACH 

Any  size  and  quantity 

"The  Crest  Minstrel  Tie 

ANOTHER  specialty  that  we  make  up  for  the  special  accommoda- 
tion of  our  patrons.  They  are  just  the  thing  to  match  The 
Crest  Minstrel  End  Collar  and  to  materially  aid  the  appearance  of 
the  first  part.  Made  of  first-class  goods.  Colors  :  Red,  White, 
Black,  Blue,  Orange,  Green.  Special  attached  neck-band  and 
catch.  Easy  to  adjust.  Grand  effect  if  entire  company  in  first 
part  wear  these  ties,  singers  wearing  black  ties  and  stand-up  collars  ; 
middle  man,  white  tie,  stand-up  collar;  end  men,  orange,  green, 
red,  or  blue,  or  alternate  with  Crest  Collars.  If  all  wear  dress 
suits,  ends  and  singers  wear  black,  middle  man  white. 

PRICE,  FIFTY  CENTS  EACH 

The  Crest  "Stage"  Diamonds 


"  Headlights"  do  not  begin  to  show  the  magnitude  of  these 
gems,  which,  when  worn  by  the  "  mirth  provoker,"  make  the 
"electrics"  look  like  Christmas  candles.  €£  Generally  worn  by 
End  Men,  Cakewalk  Swells  and  Character  Impersonators  of  both 
sexes.  H  No  end  of  fun  is  created  with  them,  and  with  the  aid  of 
the  calcium  or  stage  lights,  present  as  dazzling  an  effect  as  the  real 

RING,  SCARF  PIN,  STUD 

Made  in  three  sizes.    No.  J,  25c  each;  No.  2,  35c  each  ;  No.  3,  50c  each 


THE   CREST  TRADING  COMPANY 

144-146  West  37th  Street  New  York 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. — Directory. 


SKETCHES,   AFTER   PIECES,   ETC. 


"AUTOMOBILE  CRAZY" 

Burlesque  in  One  Scene 
by    FR^NK     DUMONT 

7  Males — i  Female 

A  successful,  up-to-date  Burlesque,  which 
calls  for  vigorous  action  all  around.  It  is 
always  received  with  tumultuous  applause. 
Price,  25  Cents. 

"AMUSING  THE  BABY" 

A  Sketch  by  FRANK  DUMONT 

CAST  OF  CHARACTERS. 
George  Henpeck,   a  muchly  married  man.. 
Willie  Rounder,   George's  bachelor  friend. 

The  Baby % 

Talk    about    poor,    hen-pecked    husbands  I 
This  lively  act  portrays  "one  of  the  boys" 
getting  it  squarely  "in  the  neck." 
Price,  2ft  Cents. 

"WHEN  WOMEN  RULE  US" 

Burlesque  Court    House    Scene 
by  FRANK  DUMuNT 

20  Characters 

This  satire  is  arranged  specially  for  ladies 
wherein  all  the  characters  are  assumed  by 
them;  the  two  husbands  being  represented 
by  the  ladies  also. 

This  burlesque  may  be  used  by  gentle- 
men who,  attired  in  grotesque  imitation  of 
female  wardrobe  and  fads  can  create  any 
amount  of  laughter  by  imitating  the  gentle 
sex  in  mannerisms. Price,  25  Cents. 

"MY  NEW  TYPEWRITER  " 

Sketch  by  FRANK  DUMONT 
CAST  OF  -CHARACTERS. 

Fine  A.  Silk,  A  Busy  Agent 

Mrs.  Silk,  His  Wife,  assuming  disguises 
of  Tough  Girl,  Old  Maid  and  a  Gush- 
ing Girly-Girly  Typewriter 

A  "screaming"  sketch  for  one  male  and 
one  female.  Most  excellent  for  a  clever 
woman  who  can  do  character  parts.  In  this 
sketch  the  female  character  is  obliged  to 
assume  three  distinct  roles,  all  of  which 
lead  up  to  complications  that  are  ludicrous- 
ly funny.  Plenty  of  work  for  the  male 
character — always  busy.  "My  New  Type- 
writer" is  a  satire  on  a  popular  topic.  The 
theme  is  carefully  worked  out. 
Price,  25  Cents. 

"The  MATRIMONIAL  AGENCY" 

Or  Wives     and     Husbands     Supplied. 
Burlesque  by  FRANK  DUMONT 

5  Males— 8  Females 

The  title  of  this  burlesque  is  an  excellent 
recommendation  of  its  possibilities;  there 
is  no  more  interesting  subject  and  the  au- 
thor has  given  it  due  attention.  Used  with 
tremendous  success  by  some  of  the  best 
organizations.  Price,  25  Cents. 


"The  ST.  LOUIS  FAIR  HOTEL  " 

Sketch  by  FRANK  DUMONT 

4   Male  Characters 

Fun   galore   in    this   sketch.      It  shows  an 
avaricious  hotel  keeper  in  operation  assisted 
by  his  "faithful"  man  of  all  work. 
Price,  25  Cents. 

"DOCTOR    LOW-RENTS 

(Lorentz)  SURGERY" 

Or    The    Co -re -in    Twins. 
Farce  by  FRANK    DUMONT 

4  Male  Characters 

An  exceedingly  funny  act.  Can  be  played 
in  white  or  black  face.  Price,  25  Cents. 

"The  STAGE-STRUCK  BOARD- 

mo  HOUSE" 

Burlesque  in    One  Scene 
by  FRANK  DUMONT 

4  Males— 2  Females 

A  depiction  of  a  stage-struck  boarding 
house  with  the  consequential  amusing  out- 
come of  such  a  state  of  affairs.  The  expe- 
rience of  Mr.  Somerset,  who  has  been  in- 
vited to  come  down  for  a  visit,  with  the 
assurance  that  he'll  have  a  pleasant  time, 
is  very  interesting.  George  gets  more  than 
he  expected. Price,  25  Cents. 

"LITTLE  RED  RIDING  HOOD" 

A    Modern    Musical    Burlesque 
by  hRANK  DUMONT 

5  Males— 2  Females 

There  are  many  burlesques  on  "Little 
Red  Riding  Hood."  Mr.  Dumont,  how- 
ever, has  really  outdone  all  others  on  this 
occasion.  Ours  is  an  unusual  production. 
We  have  incorporated  all  the  musical  num- 
bers in  the  book  of  the  play,  including  the 
dramatic  or  cue  music.  Any  musical  soci- 
ety can  handle  this  version.  Contains  ex- 
cellent speaking  parts  and  abounds  in  good 
comedy  lines  and  music. 

Price,  50  Cents. 

With  complete  piano  score  of  original  vo- 
cal and  incidental  numbers. 

We  also  rent  manuscript  arrangements 
for  orchestra  when  desired. 

"McWADE'S  PLATOON" 

Burlesque    Dialect    Police    Drill 
Finale  for  First  Part  by  FRANK  DUMONT 
Several  nationalities  are  presented  in  this 
drill,  giving  splendid  opportunities  for  good 
comedy  work.      Songs  and  marches  are  in- 
troduced,   making    an    excellent    finale     or 
number  for  the  olio.      Something  new. 
Price,  25  Cents. 


COMPLETE     LIST     ON     APPLICATION 


THE  CREST  TRADING  COMPANY 


144-146  West  37th  Street.  New  York 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE. — Directory. 


NEW! 


NOVEL ! 


UNIQUE 


"FUNNY   FOLKS   I'VE   MET' 

A  Humorous  Dialect  Monologue  or  Lecture.  'By  FRANK  DVMONT 

Relates  a  traveler's  trip   across  the   continent,   describing  the   various  characters   he   came 

in  contact  witn.     This  monologue  is  very  amusing  and  can  be  made  more  effective  if  the  dif- 
ferent dialects  are  given. 

Splendid  opportunity  lo  introduce  a  novelty  in  facial  make-ups  and  wearing  apparel  to 
picture  the  characters  and  illustrate  the  mannerisms  of  each,  although  unnecessary  to  make 
the  monologue  a  success. 

NOTE. — This  lecture  was  published  by  general  request  for  such  a  work.  Price,   50   Cents. 


An  absolute  novelty  for  female  entertainers. 
Nothing  like  it  published. 

"BABY   TALK" 

A    Juvenile    Monologue    for    "Grown-ups"! 

By    FRANK    DUMONT. 
A    laughable    monologue    for    lady    min- 
strels,   high    school    entertainments   and    fe- 
male character   specialists,   in   which   can  be 
introduced 

Two   Very   Clever  Juvenile  Songs, 
"WHAT'S  THE  GOOD  OF  THAT,  HUH  ?  ' 
As  Sung  by  Lydia  Yeamans  Titus  of  inter- 
national fame  for  baby  specialties,  and 

"  WHO'LL  BUY  MY  DOLLY  ?  "    [Pathetic! 

As    sung    by    Leila     Mclntyre    in     "Mother 
Cioose,"    who   also   makes   a    specialty 

of  baby   impersonations. 
Price  of  Monologue,  25c.          Songs,  25c.  each,  extra 


" FOOTBALL " 

A  Monologue  by  FRANK  DVMONT 

A  screamingly  humorous  description  of  a 
first  visit  to  a  college  football  game.  What 
is  heard,  seen  and  done  is  told  in  a  most 
humorous,  racy  and  entertaining  manner. 
Full  of  real  laughs. 

Plenty  of  opportunities  for   local  hits. 
Excellent  for  Home,  Lodge  or  Church  Entertainment 

Price,  25  Cents. 


"GIVE  AND  TAKE" 

"HAT"   DIALOGUE   FOR  TWO   COME- 
DIANS. 

"By   FRANK    DUMONT 

The  second  series  of  "Get-Backs." 
Quick,  snappy  work  for  two  funny  men; 
an  up-to-date,  novel  and  interesting  act 
for  the  olio  or  second  part  of  a  minstrel 
entertainment.  Can  also  be  used  in  any 
other  performance.  Sure  to  please.  A 
laugh  in  every  speech.  to 

Price,  25  Cents. 


"GET-  BACKS' 

DIALOGUE    FOR   TWO    COMEDIANS. 

•By   FRANK    DUMONT 


This  is  not  a  farce — nor  a  sketch — nor 
an  after-piece — simply  a  "long  felt  want" 
in  the  shape  of  a  bright,  brisk  act,  con- 
sisting of  a  dialogue  of  crossfire  gags  and 
stories  especially  and  for  the  first  time  pre- 
pared and  arranged  for  two  comedians  to 
do  as  an  olio  number  of  a  vaudeville  or 
minstrel  performance. 

Price,  25  Cents. 


"HOW     I     DIED    AT 

An   Eccentric   Narrative 


SAN    JUAN' 

-By  FRANK   DUMONT 


Price,  25  Cents. 

An  "  absolutely  different "  monologue  or  story  from  everything  e'se  published.  The  entertainer 
wanders  through  a  "  dream  "  of  the  species  "  pipe  "  and  tells  some  of  the  most  fantastical  experiences 
and  achievements  imaginable.  The  surprise  finish  to  this  vivid  description  cannot  fail  to  create 
vociferous  enthusiasm  and  laughter.  Splendid  for  Miscellaneous  Programs  or  Minstrel  Olios. 


"  COURTING     UNDER. 

An  Absurdity  for  Story  Tellers. 


DIFFICULTIES  " 

'By  FRANK  DUMONT 


In  relating  this  tale  the  entertainer  shows  how  his  old  friend,  who  is  the  chief  officer  of 
a  prominent  organization,  endeavors  to  "pop  the  question"  to  a  buxom  widow.  He  starts  off 
all  right,  and  is  getting  along  famously  when  he  suddenly  becomes  excited  and  incoherent, 
and  before  he  or  the  fair  damsel,  at  whose  feet  he  is  prostrated,  realizes  what's  what,  he  finds 
himself  alternating  Uie  lines  of  his  proposal  with  the  speech  he  prepared  to  deliver  before  his 
organization.  The  "confusion"  that  follows  is  most  original  in  conception  and  cleverly  worked 
out.  The  right  novelty  for  a  bright  monologuist.  Price,  25  Cents. 

THE  CREST  TRADING  COMPANY  144-146  West  37th  Street,  New  York 


THE  \\ITAIAKK  MINSTREL  GUIDE.- — Directory. 


Great 

j\  timber 

for  an 

Olio 

Cftrrn 


ILL  \/S. 

T"RA  TED 

SOffG  ACT. 


Sample  Slide  from  Aboonce  Makes  the  Heart  Grow  Fonder. 

Absence   Makes  the  Heart   Grow   Fonder  .......................................  16  slides. 

All  is  Fair  in  Love  and  War  ..................................................  1° 

Because   You   \Yere   An    Old    Sweetheart   of    .Mm    ...............................  17 

Bridge   of    Sighs  ..............................................................  2~ 

Come    Home   to   Dad  ..........................................................  1" 

Dear   Old    Soul  ...............................................................  17 

Goodbye,    Little    Girl,    Goodbye  ................................................  J7 

Goodnight,    Beloved,    Good-night  ................................................  17 

In   Our   Home    Sweet   Home  ...................................................  17 

Just   as   the    Sun    Went    Down  .................................................  1 

Ma  Tiger  Lily  ................................................................  12 

Mountain's    Fairest    Flower  ...............................................  .....  1 

Nobody    Ever   Brings   Presents  to   Me  .......................  ...................  15 

Passion     Flower  ..............................................................  18 

Place   a    Light   to    Guide   Me   Home  ............................................  2 

She's    All    We    Have    Today  ..................................................  16 

Side    By    Side  ................................................................  15 

Sing  Me  a  Song  of  the   South  .....................  ............................  15 

Somebody's   Waiting   'Neath    Southern    Skies  ....................................  18 

Songs  the   Boys  are   Singing  in  the   Camp  Tonight  ..............................  15 

Stay  in  Your   Own  Backyard  ..................................................  17 

Tying    the    Leaves  ............................................................  18 

When   You    Were    Sweet    Sixteen  ..............................................  16 

Where    is   My    Boy   Tonight  ?  ..................................................  1' 

While    the    Moon    Shines    Bright  ..............................................  16 

Why   Did   They    Sell   Killarney?  ...........................................  ......  16 

You  Ain't  Changed  a  Bit  from  what  You   Used  to  Be  ..........................  17       ^ 

You    Needn't    Say   the    Kisses    Came    from    Me  ..................................  17 

You're  the  Flower  of  My  Heart     Sweet   Adeline  ................................  17 

You  Told  Me  I  Need  Never  Work   Xo  More  ....................................  16 

Sold  in  Sets  only.      Price  75  cercis  per  slide. 

Deduct  one  from  number  of  slides  given,  for  title  slide,  for  which  no  charge  is  made. 
We   can    furnish  stereopticon   lanterns   to    those   who   d?=ire   to   use  this   style   of   act   and 
are  unable  to  procure  a  machine   without  considerable  trouble.      Prices  on   application. 

RENTING      OF     SLIDES 

The  above  slides  are  the  best  made,   we  do  not  always   have  them  on  hand,   therefore,  it 
may   be  .several   days  before   we   can    forward    the   sets   ordered.      If   you    desire   to   rent   a   set 
of   slides,   you   can   do   so,  provided   we   have   the   ones   you    wish    on   hand.      Terms   for   rental 
on  application.      Slides  are   made   to  order  only  when   purchrsed  outright. 
TKE  CREST  TRADING  COMPANY  144  146  West  37th  Street.  New  York 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE, — Directory. 


Valuable  for   Minstrel    After  Pieces   or  «vny  Style   of 
Dra.maLtic      Entertainment 

"THE      W I T  M  A  R  K  " 

INCIDENTAL     MUSIC 

ftiblijhed  for    "Piano    or   for    Orchestra 

Tne    Ba.no      of     the     Amatevir     OrcKestra,      Leader     Removed, 
The  Worry  of  tne  Professional  Musical  Condvictor  made  Lighter. 

Specially  composed  and  arranged  for  Piano  and  Orchestra  by 
AL.    HENDERSON       • 

Contains  melodies  in  every  known  tempo  for  every  kind  of  entrance  and  situation,  including  : 
Lively  Music,  for  Rise  of  Curtain,  Change  of  Scene,  Entrance  of  Characters,  etc. 
MeurtiaJ  Mvisic,  for  Processions,  etc. 
Tremolo  Music,  for  Pathetic  Scenes  and  Situations. 
Hurry  Music,  for  Melodramatic  Scenes  etc. 
Pizzicato  Mvisic,  for  "Sneaky"  Business,  Burglar  Scenes,  etc. 
Mysteriovis  Mvisic,  for  Apparitions,  Ghost  Scenes,  (Straight  or  Burlesque). 
Choral  Music,  for  Church  Scenes,  Weddings,  etc. 
Combat  Music,  for  Sword  Fights,  Battles,  etc. 
WaJtz  Music,  for  Entrance,  Curtains,  Magicians,  etc. 
Funeral   Marches,  etc.,  etc.,  etc. 

About   Thirty   Numbers   to   Suit    Almost   Any   Scene 

No  more  is  it  necessary  to  ask,  or  ponder  over  as  to  :  What  shall  I  play  while  the  "  Heavy" 
and  the  "  Hero"  are  dueling?  Or  during  a  Stage  Storm?  Or  at  the  death  of  the  "Leading" 
Lady?  Or  the  dozen  other  situations  that  present  themselves  in  an  Amateur  or  Artistic 
Production.  It  is  all  included  under  one  Handsome  Cover,  and  all  that  is  necessary,  is  to 
refer  to  it  to  be  able  to  give  atmosphere  to  the  situation.  Not  alone  is  the  gap  filled 
in,  but  it  dovetails  perfectly. 

Price  for  Piano,  $1   OO 

(  10  Parts          14  Parts          Full  Orch.  Piano  Ace. 

Price  for    Orchestra  |  $|-OO        $1-25  ^  ^ 


NOT    DIFFICULT 


Printed    Voice    Accompaniments 

For    Orchestra 
A  greact  saving  in.  time  aund  expense 

An  orchestra  used  in  an  amateur  p'rformance  greatly  enhances  the  success  of  the  evening- 
Besides  making  the  musical  numbers  more  effective,  it  adds  tone  to  the  affair.  A  great  draw- 
back is  the  difficulty  in  procuring  orchestration*  for  the  songs  desired,  without  paying  the  big 
price  asked  for  them  on  account  of  the  necessity  of  arranging  them  to  order.  We  issue  a 
limited  number  of  copies  t )  our  most  successful  songs  and  oner  them  at  the  extremely  low 
price  of  SO  cents  each.  Each  number  is  effectively  and  simply  arranged  for  ten 
instruments  bv  a  competent  man,  and  is  absolutely  correct,  for  we  send  you  the  same 
arrangement  that  is  made  for  our  professional  clients. 

Send   for   complete   list 

The    CREST     TRADING     COMPANY 

144-146     West     37th    Street  New     York 


THE  WITMARK  MINSTREL  GUIDE, — Directory. 


A  Favorite  with  Readers  and  Recitationists 

Jim  Marshall's  New  Planner 

and  other  Western   Stories 

By  the  late 

WILLIAM    DEVERE 

"Tramp  Poet  of  the  West" 

With  illustrations  by 

DOLPH  LEVINO  and  J.  MORNINGSTAR 

Specially   Adapted  for  Public  Reading 


Charity,  Justice,  Brotherly  Love 
and  Fidelity  (Elk's  Poem) 

You're  Jest  Like  Yer  Mother, 
Mandy 

Black  Hills  Sermon,  A 

'Ceptin  Ike 

Give  the  Devil  His  Due 


CONTENTS 


Jim  Marshall's  New  Pianner 

Kinder  Susp'shus 

Oofty  Gooft's  Methuselahism 

Queen  of  Hearts,  The 

Spokane 

Two  Little  Busted  Shoes 


Higgins 
His  Letter 
What  T'ell 

The  Book  of  a  People: 


B.  P.  O.  E.  (Elk's  P 
Case  Equal,  A 


Price  One  Dollar 


AN  ACQU:SIT:ON  TO  ANY  LIBRARY 


Hey,  Rube 

He  Can— Like  Kelly  Can 

Horse  Philosophy 

Jeff  and  Joe 

No  Opening — Write  Again 

Parson's  Box,  The 

Roger 

That  Queen 

Ten  Mile  or  Bust 

That  Beautiful  Snow 

A  Book  for  the  People 


Lent  postpaid  on  receipt  of  price 


"Good  Things" 

Drummer's  Tales 
BY  JOE   KLEIN 

A  choice  and  varied  collection  of  Hebrew  and 
other  dialect    stories,    sayings,    recita- 
tions,  etc..    selected    from    ten 
thousand  prize  diamonds 
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CONTENTS  No.  1 

My  Gal  Is  a  High  Born  Lady. 

The  Picture  that  Is  Turned  toward  the  Wall 

The  Irish  Jubilee. 

Her  Eyes  Don't  Shine   Like  Diamonds. 

Africa's  400. 

My  Girl   Is  a  Winner. 

I  Love  You  Best  of  All. 

God  Save  America. 

You  Had  Better  Stay  at  Home,  Lad. 

Pumpkin  Pies  that  Mother  Used  to  Make. 

At  the  Old  Home  To-Night. 

Give  Me  Your  Eye. 

Think  Once  Again  Before  We  Part. 

I  Spy  You. 

As  I   Sat  upon  my  Dear  Old  Mother's  Knee 

Oh,  Clementine. 

Bring   Back    My   Fisher   Boy. 

In  Harlem. 

I   Wonder  If   She  Ever  Does  Remember. 

And  the  Poor  Little  Maiden  Went  Crying. 

Johnny,  My   Old  Friend  John. 

The  Whippoorwill's  Call. 

You  Never  Loved  Your  Mother  Half 
Enough. 

Blow,  Blow,  Softly  Blow. 

The  Village  Choir.  |Love  Me. 

Maym,    Maym,    Come    Tell    Me    that    You 

Just  Think  of  Your  Mother. 

If  Donovan's  a  Better  Man  Than   J  Am. 

He  Reminds  Her  of  His  Father. 

Sights  in  a  Dime  Museum. 

Back  Among  the  Old  Folks  Once  Again. 

They  Are,  I  Don't  Think. 

Keep  a  Place  at  the  Table  for  Jack. 

Her  Father  Has  Turned  the  Dear  Pic- 
ture Again. 

Wedding  of  the  Lily  and  the  Rose- 

Christofo   Columbo. 

I  Don't  See  Why  They  Should. 

Oh,  You  Great  Big  Darling. 

I'm  in  Love  with  the  Man  in  the  Moon. 

McKenna's  Insurance. 

Stories  Mother  Told. 

You  Gave  Me  Your  Love. 

Roses  To-Night. 

Always  Together. 

Little  Willie. 


CONTENTS  No.  2 

Always. 

All  Bound  'Round  with  a  Woolen  String. 
All  Coons  Look  Alike  to  Me. 
Because.     •; 

Be  Good,  Be  Good,  My  Father  Said. 
Bom-Ba-Shay. 

Cake-Walk  in  the  Sky.  |  Nice. 

Daddy's    Gwine   to    Bring   Yer    Something 
Darktown   Is  Out  To-Night. 
Dear  Old  Mother. 
Did  He  Get  There? 
Everybody  Takes  His  Hat  Off  to  Me. 
Fireman's   Dream. 
Good-Night,   Baby   Darling. 
Go  to    Sleep,    My   Honey. 
He  Got  Plenty. 

Her  Memory   Brings  Me  No  Regret. 
I'll  Sing  Thee  Songs  of  Araby.       [of  Wales. 
I'm   the    Bosom   Friend   of   Albert,    Prince 
Tes'    a    Misunderstanding    with    My    Lady 
Lime  Kiln  Club.  |Love. 

Little  Church  that  Stood  Upon  the  Hill. 
Ma  Rainbow  Coon. 
Ma  Tiger  Lily. 
Maybe. 

My  Little  'Lasses  Candy  Coon. 
My  Pretty  Mountain  Maid. 
Naughty  Banana  Peel. 
Nobody  W'ants  Me  Now. 
Only  One  Girl  in  the  World   for  Me. 
Open   Your   Mouth   and    Shut   Your   Eyes. 
She  Knew  a  Lobster  When  She  Saw  One. 
Sweet.   Sweet  Love. 

Take  Care  of  the  Old  Folks.  [plained. 

There    are    Things    that    Cannot    Be     Ex- 
It's  a  Maid.  Sweet  Maid. 
What  Would  Your  Answer  Be?i 
When    You    Ain't    Got    No    Money.    Well, 

You   Needn't   Come   'Round. 
You   Ain't  Changed  a  Bit  from  What  You 

Used  to  Be. 

Who  Dat  Sav  Chicken  in  Dis  Crowd. 
You  Got  to  Play  Ragtime. 
You  Were  the  One  I  Loved  the  Best. 
Yew-Ra-Liarty. 
Young  America. 
Fisherman's  Bride. 


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